I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up?

Are you struggling with feelings like this?

I seriously thought I was turning gay. My HOCD was so strong at that time, I was contemplating taking a dive off the nearest high-rise. I felt so depressed. I knew I loved girls and I can't love another dude, but why did I have ED? Why did I need transexual/gay stuff to shock me into arousal? Now that I understand why I was suffering, I have gotten so much better. I am looking for girlfriend, while rebooting at the same time. I am so relieved to understand why it is, and what it is.

While you may not be absolutely confident about your underlying orientation until your brain returns to normal sensitivity (and the new tastes you've wired in due to excessive stimulation deteriorate from disuse), there's one test that might answer the question right now: When it comes to deep kissing, which gender do you prefer? Here's what one guy (who was feeling totally messed up from wiring his his brain to transexual/gay porn for years) said:

I use the same test all the time, and I ALWAYS do not want to kiss a guy. For some reason, a guy's saliva is so nasty, and a girls is just so perfect. A guy's saliva is just so disgusting, almost seems germ-filled. A gal's saliva seems almost sweet to me for some reason

However, OCD of any kind is a sneaky disorder. It can turn any test into a reason for anxiety because the test can cause you to start obsessively examining your reactions to the test--no matter how obvious the answer was when you first asked yourself! In other words, however certain you were at first that you didn't want to kiss a guy...the more you worry and ask yourself the question the more you link the resulting anxiety to intense feelings that feel like sexual arousal. (Fear releases dopamine and adrenaline, which feel like horniness to a desensitized brain.) 

If you fall into a pattern where each new "test" just makes you worry more, your brain is using your fear as a sexual cue. In this case, you may find the Schwartz method of overcoming OCD the most useful technique. One HOCD sufferer said:

I have done exposure therapy for my HOCD, and I am currently using the Schwartz method. Exposure in my opinion works best when the obsessions and compulsions are weak, that is when HOCD issues are merely a question in the back of a person's mind.

Schwartz's technique is better suited in my opinion for a person in the late stages of HOCD. It takes discipline to conquer the delusions and anxiety to not reassure oneself. The Schwartz approach is a very difficult technique to start, but once a person is successful at stopping obsessing, it becomes easier, as they are able to go through the day without obsessions...until an intrusive thought hits them again.

Now, is the critical point for Schwartz's technique to kick in. One must shift to a different activity/thought/visualization immediately. Because once a person investigates the intrusive thought it becomes a runaway train as anxiety arises. So let it go! In effect, the person has to figure out a new reward system for himself. For me, the reward is being rid of anxiety as long as I ignore the thoughts.

Exposure therapy at this intense stage, where my anxiety is engulfing and delusional, is pointless. It only feeds my  OCD. Exposure therapy works best when the person is still able to realize rational and irrational thinking, to realize that their fears are irrational. When rationality becomes replaced by anxiety delusions, IMO exposure therapy feeds OCD. Just my opinion.

Another guy was feeling philosophical as he put the pieces together:

(Day 13) I'm flatlined - so no hardness, and no sexual interest in women. I once abstained while in college. It lasted 3 weeks. But I relapsed because I thought I was turning gay - since I had no sexual feeling toward the girls walking by. I thought, "why don't I feel like banging them?" I got worried. I also noticed that I had no libido. I then had a long bout with HOCD, which is now fading as I don't think about it. It's absolutely facinating how our minds work, both for the good and the bad.

Here's a discussion between some other guys:

"A friend and I were talking about confusions of sexual orientation. He said, 'I've been having trouble figuring it out. I go on the internet and I see something that makes me think I'm heterosexual; then I see something that makes me think I'm homosexual; but then I see something else that makes me think I'm heterosexual. I've come to the conclusion that I'm pornosexual!'"

[Another guy] Then I started thinking it's definitely not about orientation but about functionality. Finally, I started researching things, and then I luckily ended up here.

[Another guy] It's almost as though the producers know what they're doing trying to turn guys on to transexual porn. I read somewhere that a guy with PMO issues would only get turned on with gay porn. Now I never got to that stage, but once on holiday I tried one of those flic booths. A transexual scene came on (screen flicked random channels every few mins/secs) and although I never had that "I wanna be there feeling", it was beginning to get arousing...in a strange, curious way.

There was a c*ck, some t!ts, a woman's face, kissing, w*nking, bl*w jobs. It was like a strange collage of independent cues all whizzing around that didn't make sense entirely to me as I'm not that way inclined. But there was a weak underlying link between all the pertinent cues that was making it arousing. I assume the associations were making my mind think more (about sex) to try to work it out subconsciously, so my mind was getting a new high without me realising. I never watched the stuff again, but it's amazing how this stuff can affect you. I know some people, for example, even get to the extreme of beastiality, but surely they don't walk around thinking "Wow check out the udders on that cow!"..do they?" In short, excessive PMO is a real mindf*ck.

Much porn is mind manipulation that "creates" tastes, not an appeal to existing sexual tastes. Said one guy:

I've dealt with HOCD since I was 15. It first occurred after watching female pee/scat porn and then reading an article stating that this fetish was popular in the gay community. It became an obsession from that point forward...especially after starting to view tranny porn. I'm fairly confident that I would have never developed HOCD if it wasn't for Internet porn. I think the two are linked.

See:

• "Can You Trust Your Johnson?"
• "Losing at Porn Roulette" Also see his recovery report
• Study finds that OCD is a typical *result* of this addiction
• Your Brain On Porn Series.

Unfortunately, the brain can register "anxiety-producing" as exciting, and therefore rewarding (and thus addictive). See Desperately Seeking Sensation: Fear, Reward, and the Human Need for Novelty for details. Here's a tip from one who struggles with this anxiety:

My HOCD has always controlled my porn-related activities. It used to follow a simple pattern: 

1. See porn image/something arousing

2. HOCD starts up, makes me begin to worry

3. HOCD gets stronger, starts to make me doubt my sexual orientation

4. HOCD convinces me to prove to myself I'm not gay by viewing porn

5. I finish to the porn, HOCD vanishes and feel like an idiot for falling for it.

I followed these steps:

- Ignorance: Don't research anything on HOCD. Don't learn about it. Don't study other cases. LEAVE IT ALONE. I know some therapists suggest challenging the HOCD. That's probably a good thing to do, but when you're a porn addict who has HOCD as, shall we say a side-symptom of it, or an integral part of the addiction, you CAN'T "challenge the thoughts" because it makes them worse, and you relapse on porn eventually. To be quite honest, you won't have a cat-in-hell's chance of beating this while you're addicted to porn. For you, because you escalated to gay [or whatever] porn, "gay" is connected to your porn use, so "embracing" the spike like many therapists suggest probably isn't a good idea! At least until you've kicked the porn, and by then the HOCD will have faded a lot.

- Time allocation: Study when you are most likely to spike with anxiety about HOCD, for me it was during the evening (because that's when I usually went on a 5-hour porn binge, coincidence? I doubt it.). During that time, make sure you have something planned. Sit talking to a family member away from the computer, or call a friend or relative, go for a long walk/exercise, etc.

- Spiking: If you are starting to spike, you need to apply some safety measures immediately. "OCCUPY MODE" is my main safety measure. I put it in capitals because when I spike, I say "OCCUPY MODE" in my head and imagine a big neon sign with it written. I then do something—ANYTHING—that requires physical and mental energy. Like doing sit-ups while solving a math problems, even counting while lifting weights would work. Enter OCCUPY MODE for around fifteen minutes. In the back of your head, imagine the "OCCUPY MODE" sign and do whatever you have to do. After a while, the spike will be over.

Avoiding transexual porn and fantasies has completely obliterated my arousal for it. Like literally, I feel nothing for it anymore. I remember the "feelings" I got from it, but they just aren't there anymore. It's hard to believe that two years ago, I had gotten to a stage where the main thing that got me off was transexual porn, but now it's hard to put into words how the change has occurred. Arousal for real women has boosted to a level I'd forgotten due to years of viewing porn.

I've found the HOCD curbs at around 4 weeks for me. The end of week 2/start of week 3 is ALWAYS the hardest. I'm 110% convinced that HOCD+Porn addiction is one and the same. As you kick the porn, the HOCD isn't as strong because the pull of porn isn't as strong, and with time it will more than likely fade completely.

By the way, this isn't just a one way street. It isn't uncommon for gay men to develop straight or even lesbian porn fetishes. I've seen them all over the web on various porn addiction websites. I think that is probably even worse than our situation. For us it's a tiny, annoying worry that makes us doubt our sexual orientation. For a gay man, who has never fancied women, who has hid his true feelings from society, and then had the courage to come out to find that he may be attracted to women after all (!!!). Well, that's got to be downright horrible.

But the truth is, the guys in question aren't turning straight. They aren't *really* attracted to women. They're just in the same boat as we are, but in reverse.

[Another guy] I had to deal with HOCD and am still dealing with it a little bit. It's something that you know isn't real but rather a stimulation from your brain because of random factors. The way I've learned to deal with it is either to ignore the thoughts, don't brood on them or try to analyze and justify and tell your self that your actually straight, just let them come and go. It's like if you would have a random thought of punching someone in the face, you wouldn't do it so just let the thought pass by. Another way is just make fun of it. Say you're with your friend and you randomly think of kissing him or something, just say to yourself, "Oh man I'm so gay I totally want to kiss my friend". Honestly, HOCD is something difficult I've had to deal with and made me look inside much more. I know I'm straight; ever since I started all I've thought about was the opposite sex. I'm positive it was just the over stimulation of porn that got to me. The farther in my reboot I go the more HOCD does not affect me at all, and when I am relaxed on days I don't even remember having it.

An experiment:

I drank too much one night and got the idea in my head that I needed to experiment with a trans to find out the truth about my sexuality/attraction. While still inebriated, I talked to one online and met up. I was somewhat aroused if I imagined trans porn, but the whole experience didn't feel right and I became disgusted. I couldn't go through with anything and had to eject.

After that occurred, I was around a few girls who were into me. I felt aroused and I enjoyed the entire experience of just flirting/talking with them. It felt right. So, while I shouldn't have needed any reinforcement, I think it further proves that the trans attraction is porn-derived and doesn't carry over well to real-life experiences. I should've known this from the last time I gave up porn and stopped feeling attraction to anything trans-related.

Ultimately, any sexual taste is driven by dopamine. If you climax to something that is not consistent with your underlying orientation, but it releases enough dopamine and adrenaline in your brain (because you find it exciting or even anxiety-producing), your brain will wire it up to your reward circuitry as "valuable." It evolved when intense sexual arousal meant a potential fertilization opportunity was around—and that was always worth wiring up.

Now, however, extreme, synthetic Internet porn can make most any sexual scenario fool your brain into perceiving it as a fertilization opportunity (especially as your brain grows number from extreme stimulation). And if your brain becomes desperate enough for stimulation, you may even act out, as this visitor did:

For my part I've never been afraid of "turning gay" as I have WAY too much appreciation for the female form in all of its sparkling varieties. BUT I've been having fantasies about sexual relations with other men and I've even acted on these fantasies. Thing is, the male body does nothing for me in terms of getting turned on, but the "forbidden" aspect of it makes my dopamine-craving mind play with the idea anyway.

The additional wiring from "hot" stimuli of any kind can cause intense inner conflict when it doesn't match your fundamental sexual orientation. But it all comes down to dopamine as the articles below this item will help you understand.

Restoring the dopamine sensitivity in your brain so you quiet the loud signals from your reward circuitry will make it easier to steer according to your underlying tastes. This will take time. Start by rebooting.

Meanwhile, the anxiety produced by withdrawal or other stress is likely to push you to "test" yourself by looking at the anxiety-producing images. Sure enough, they've been artificially wired to your orgasm reflex, so they will "work" (arouse you), and you will believe you are stuck forever.

The chances are good that you are not stuck. But do yourself a favor: don't test. And stay away from ALL porn. In a couple of months, you'll feel much clearer and less confused. Here's one young straight guy's experience with rewiring his brain. (He had escalated to gay porn, but knew he was straight.) Each time he had an anxious doubt he bit his lip. After only a couple of weeks:

I find that the biting the lip technique in the middle of class is working extremely well. I didnt have a gay thought all day except this morning I had one over a thought ever so small. But I am not worrying about it because that was 1 over the last 24 hours. It will take longer for this habit to be fully be gone but at least there is a sign that I'm almost there. I also have no urge to return to gay porn, which is a huge reliever. The only type of porn I crave sometimes is lesbian or straight porn.

Thoughts on transexual porn

Peculiar as it is, a taste for transexual porn is common in straight men. Here's an excerpt from an article talking about a recent book on porn tastes:

The authors say, "if you categorize the sites on the Alexa Adult List by the names of the sites, then T-girl sites are the fourth most popular category of adult Web site." Also, "'shemales' is the sixteenth most popular sexual search on Dogpile, more popular than 'butts,' 'threesomes,' and 'interracial sex.'" So who's doing the searching? Ogas and Gaddam quote Housekeeper, operator of several transsexual porn sites:

My main audience, and the audience for most shemale porn, are straight dudes. That's how it's always been. I will say that all of the visitors to transsexual sites are straight.

Also see The strange new science behind “A Billion Wicked Thoughts”.

So where does the appeal of transexual porn come from? Gay guys generally don't want to see it. Transexual isn't a "sexual orientation." It isn't found in nature, so humans wouldn't have evolved to want to see it. It's not a thing that most users would go looking for...unless they've strategically been manipulated by porn site makers.

What transexual porn is...is a way to combine powerful sexual cues that normally can't be combined. It's a strong message directly to the limbic system of the brain. It combines viewers' favorite sexual cues: breasts, erect penis, BJ, masturbation, etc., in one visual.

The limbic brain, which can't reason and doesn't know such a thing doesn't exist in nature, just says, "Oooh! Oooh! Our favorite cues for sexual arousal! This is extra HOT!" On top of that, like homosexual porn for a straight guy, or straight rape porn for a gay guy, it's shocking and therefore exciting. And, *cha-ching!* The porn makers pocket the advertising revenue from your visits.

It makes sense that daring, novel experiences "stick" in your mind and later continue to fire off all kinds of exciting neurochemical "DO IT!" messages - especially when your pleasure response is below par (perhaps due to excess). The real key is whether the experience really satisfies...or just leaves you hungry for more.

The light went on for one guy when he binged:

Porn binges for 4-6 hours the last couple days. On the plus side, it did become more obvious that the transexual porn is unrelated to my sexuality. After spending 30+ hours over the past 5 days watching porn, transexual porn started to become boring! I began searching for other more disgusting and shocking stuff.

Other guys said:

• I used to get turned on by anything remotely feminine when I was 13, but that steadily changed as I watched more and more porn. I started to get anxious about my sexuality because I knew I was straight based on history, but at the same time I could not physically respond to the old cues. Sometimes when I was especially relaxed or drunk, I would respond like how I did when I was younger. It was very confusing because I never had any homosexual fantasies or desires. I never would have attributed this to porn/decreased dopamine sensitivity if I hadn't stumbled upon this site, so thank you! [My reboot] has completely eliminated any doubt because now my libido is almost too much to handle. Even women I would not normally glance at, I would definitely be able to have sex with them. More responsive to women, and responded to more by women.

• I haven't been struggling with HOCD long, and it's definitely too early to say I'm "cured", but these sites seemed to help me out quite a bit:
  • http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
  • http://yousetmefree.weebly.com/

  I had searched for HOCD before and found some other people posting about it, but their accounts didn't really seem to help. It was reassuring that I wasn't the only one suffering from it, but it did not make the attacks any less severe.

  For whatever reason, those two sites helped me out. Since I've read them, I haven't really had any HOCD thoughts, although I do get a little anxious when I think to myself "Oh hey, I'm not thinking HOCD thoughts anymore." LOL

  The second site basically recommends p/m/o abstinence as well, so I'm sure with time the HOCD will clear up completely. Cognitive techniques and exposure are typically how obsessive compulsive disorders are treated. This is no exception, EXCEPT do not expose yourself to pornography (duh). I think it gets weaker and weaker until it's completely gone.

(A year later, to another forum member) I had serious HOCD. It's gone now, though. "Women are sexy, men are plain." As you said, that, my friend, is the KEY point to all of this. Men wouldn't be plain if you were bisexual or gay. You would want to cuddle up with them on the sofa, caress their body and have romantic walks with them, IF you were bisexual or gay. Do you think people who escalate to beastiality worry that they are secretly a goat lover? Do you think they worry that now because they escalated to beastiality all can do is date is goats or something?  Of course they don't, and this form of escalation (from excessive porn use) is NO different.

• Here's what worked for me: I imagine other totally improbable scenarios (such as murdering my mother or running out into the highway in high traffic) and realized that *they* had no potential for becoming sources of compulsive worry. That way, I showed myself that thoughts about HOCD didn't have to either. Try it. Think about killing yourself by running out in the middle of the highway. Take a minute and imagine it in detail. You now just had that thought. (Just as you have a gay thought.) You gonna walk around scared as shit that you'll kill yourself from now on? Nope. You won’t. You’ll probably never imagine the scenario again. Even if you do, you’ll laugh at it. Same idea here.Really, getting over HOCD is learning to not care. Anytime it starts to flare up, I imagine it as an annoying little dog. Maybe like a shih tzu, yapping away. The more attention you give it, the more it will yap. Gradually, it will lessen and lessen until it's very easy to ignore completely. Mine is at most times really under control now, but the libido flatline can really mess with me. It's the ultimate combo. I think once I get my libido back and build healthy sexual relationships with women, that will be when it gets truly eliminated.

• [Age 22] I just want to mention how my pornography tastes have changed over the last few years. First it was very soft. Then lesbian porn did it for me, and then, a few years ago I stumbled into shemale pornography, and over time I realised I was turned on by this. Then it got worse, occasionally I would masturbate over gay pornography became more and more frequent. It turned me on but after it felt so wrong. I know I'm straight, when I'm socialising, men is the last thing on my mind. I am very attracted to pretty girls, I notice them from a mile away, so this pornography has morphed my tastes to the extreme. I was confused whether or not I was bisexual, but now I look back and I realise I'm not bisexual, it's just that my brain has been re-wired by pornography. Then earlier this year I had erectile dysfunction. The girl was amazingly attractive and she was full on up for it. However it just didn't work! And then a few months ago it happened again, except this girl was even more attractive. So I realised that something must be seriously wrong.[A month into reboot] I had an awesome experience last night, I was at a party and made out with a girl at the end (she was not that pretty) and I had a massive erection pretty much instantly. I was like, "oh my god," and it felt awesome.I work as a software developer, spending many hours in front of my computer. This is why it's so easy for me to masturbate over pornography...but now I have been doing this I am tempted to give up computers all together. Facebook, BBC News, emails are all things that consume my time. I just want to meet girls! Why have I spend the last 4 years of my life masturbating over porn and spending my time in front of a computer? I'm now going to focus on meeting new attractive girls, playing my favourite sport and keeping healthy.

• HOCD is a BITCH. You have to understand that what you are feeling is related to the anxiety and not sexual orientation. I have had to deal with that shit during flatline and I know I am not gay. The bottom line is, if the HOCD feelings are disgusting to you and they make you feel anxious. They are lies and you are straight. Worry and anxiety can cause the mind to play tricks on you. It took me some time to realize that when I experienced HOCD, the sensations were produced by the fear, not the actual presence of another dude. You have to just ignore it. It is anxiety related. As you get better at ignoring it and going about your business, you will find that you will FORGET about it. It's important to realize that it is an OCD - its like you are standing on the edge of a cliff and your mind says jump. You know you don't want to but you cant stop thinking about it. Trust in yourself and persevere. You and I both know that you don't want to have gay relations anymore than you would want to jump off a cliff!

• Luckily I never diverged into gay or tranny porn or I do not know where emotionally I would be right now. It was more like OCD when some dude would pop up on the TV, and my brain would be like, "Well since you can't get it up to girls, check that out." Of course I was never arroused by the male body but the anxiety it produced made it an addictive thought process in my head thus leading to a nasty bout of HOCD, which my porn-induced inability to perform fueled just splendidly. Was an awful time for me, but I found this site, stopped acknowledging those thoughts, stopped watching porn, and poof they literally disappeared.

• Don't feed your OCD. If you are trying to CONVINCE yourself of the truth through analysis or other people's opinion, you are playing the OCD game. You are what you say you are, period. If something disgusts you, it doesn't matter if it causes arousal or not, it is not your true taste. I say forget about questioning and get your mind off of it entirely. If you are having pleasant heterosexual thoughts and HOCD rears its ugly head, I say at that moment stop fantasizing all together and put it away until a more healthy fantasy comes around. You don't have to fight OCD to win, all you have to do is be aware that it is a liar.
• When I first began worrying about HOCD, it seemed like the intense worry almost felt like I was turned on sexually, when I was not aroused physically in the least, actually quite the opposite.   I have done well ignoring my cues to check and double check, which at first caused more anxiety, but now I am beginning to worry a little less each day.
• My advice to other people out there: Even when things are going rough and your mind is assuring you that your turning gay, its wrong. I had times where I didnt believe this reboot technique and was already having thoughts of suicide, but it works honestly. If you give it time, not hours or a few days, over a long period of time you will get better, the longer you go the longer you will see yourself coming back to your old self. You will get better, its just a matter of time. Even if you relapse and you spiral into depression, you have to find that inner force to get you through the darkness and remind you that its all a matter of getting back on track.

Here's another eye-opening experience:

With porn I had become addicted mainly to shemales. It caused serious question about my sexuality when I immersed myself in such fantasies. Well, I decided to try one shemale escort just to see.

NOT my thing! I could not get past even seeing/talking to "her" for more than a few minutes and politely ended the evening. Talk about bursting ones bubble, LOL. So that part is settled.

It's hard not to conclude that "what gets me hard must be who I am," but that's not how the brain works. Watch the "Your Brain on Porn Series" for more. You are not your erections. If you were, your sexual tastes could not morph. You have inadvertently wired in this taste due to your need for more intense stimulation.

The bottom line is that you can't keep activating the brain pathways that link arousal with particular stimuli...unless you want to strengthen them. Your choice.

HOCD responds to the same treatment that works for other kinds of obsessive-compulsive disorder. To learn more, read these excerpts fromThe Brain That Changes Itself about the Schwartz Technique for Rewiring Compulsions. One man described how he employs the ideas:

when you are going crazy with obsessive thoughts, find something to do that will lead to better thoughts. A walk in nature, or a jigsaw puzzle, or something, art maybe. At first it feels like it is not working or is only distracting you from the thought, but it IS working. You will see over time, you are telling your brain to think of or do something else when these thoughts arise and it WILL sink in soon enough.

Think of it this way. Thoughts are a form of astral/etheric energy. Because they are made of energy anything you do with trying to fight them or change them only connects to them energetically and makes them stronger. Even your hate for them makes them stronger. Don't hate porn, it will make any relapses you may have even harder.

One thing I do that works well for me is to completely accept the fact I am having an unwanted thought. I do my best to relax and kind of ignore the thought, and refocus on a task or simply breathing and living in the moment I am in. This almost never works if I try to forcefully focus on something else. Just relax, realizing the thought is there and concentrate (relaxedly) on your task. Eventually I realise that I haven't been thinking the thought and was completely focused on my task. Of course, the thought comes back at this point because I remember I had it.

The very next thing I do is tell myself, "good job" and repeat above. Refocus. Reattribute. Revalue. as covered in Dr. Schwartz's OCD material. And yes, it didn't sound like it would work until I tried it.

You really need to treat yourself like a little kid. Every time you forget the thought, no matter how long, congratulate and pat yourself on the back mentally. Be nice to yourself. Violence toward the self, toward the body becomes outward violence, and vice versa. Be nice, patient with yourself. Force yourself to relax even if the thought you are having completely freaks you out. Whatever thought you are having is not as important as the will not to do it!

You may feel very anxious for the first few weeks of healing this, so get plenty of exercise. Take walks in nature. Listen to soothing, uplifting music. Eat healthily. Get support. Be gentle with yourself.