Boyfriend Quitting Porn? 5 Tips

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couple kissingUnderstand your partner's porn challenge and how you can help

You have no particular objection to porn, but you love your partner and he has decided to give up Internet porn after using heavily for years. Here are 5 ways you can support his effort:

1.  Understand why he's quitting

For your partner, porn isn't just a harmless past-time. If you want to understand, have a look at the kinds of problems users report, such as sexual performance issues, loss of attraction to real partners, morphing sexual tastes, concentration problems, social anxiety, moodiness, and so forth.

Said one young woman,

Reading about the brain process in addiction really helped me understand that his porn use wasn't a personal insult to me and that it truly is an addiction. It's the high he was after rather than actual other women.

Porned Out, an informative little ebook by an ex-porn user, explains what's behind these symptoms, as does this TEDx talk. The Your Brain On Porn slideshow series offers more detail. (Also see this new, short, user-friendly video on the science of porn addiction.)

Sure your partner is lucky to have you—but giving up his daily fix could be one of the toughest things he does in his life. And he must make the decision for himself. Here's one guy's advice to partners:

Having that habit of fapping to fall back on is a great comfort to him, as with anything an addict uses. So even if he says he understands that it isn't helping the relationship, he will still feel like that comfort is being taken from him, and he will rationalize reasons that it's not so bad, reasons to keep doing it. Try not to come at him in a way where he might feel threatened.

There may be another issue. How sexually active are the two of you? Are there any hang ups in the bedroom, any things you know of that would cause him performance anxiety or stress? A lot of times people fap because they think they need to keep their equipment "exercised" and healthy. Sometimes they do it right before sex in order not to ejaculate so quickly. I would try to talk to him on a deeper level about what he feels in the relationship and about your intimacy. If he has no fears about performance and things relating to that, he'll be more willing to give up the habit and devote all of his energy to your sex life.

Respect his courage and determination. Keep in mind that addictions have rightfully been described as "cunning, baffling and powerful." Here's what one guy said:

I've found the best things she can do for me are:

  1. Forgive me when I fail.
  2. Always expect more from me.
  3. Congratulate me when I succeed.
  4. Distract me when I'm having a bad day.
  5. Remind me that WE are worth it, and that she thinks I'm super-sexy.

These things help boost my self-esteem and remind me to do the best I can for the best woman I ever met.

2.  Know the benefits you can expect as a couple

Read men's actual observations about how they became better lovers after giving up porn, how they find their partners more attractive, how much more they enjoy intimacy, and how much better sex feels:  Guys Who Gave Up Porn: On Sex and Romance Read the posts under the article, too. You will be amazed. Here are sample comments:

  • I haven’t fapped since a week ago (sex-real, thrice since then). - Initial response - HOLY SHIT this feels so much better now. Your hand can make you O, but it isn’t 'erotic' and doesn’t feel good like something erotic can, like [intercourse]. I told my SO that she was beautiful (spontaneous outburst) during a recent encounter. From her reaction, I apparently didn’t do things like this that often. I feel closer to her intimately.
  • I've had my share of empty hook ups in college. Forced, unsatisfying, centered around the orgasm. [Last night's] kind of tenderness is completely alien to me, and yet it felt hardwired; a natural part of myself I'd just never explored.
  • When I got back from a conference yesterday I was exhausted physically and mentally. But this time I discovered an inner reservoir of energy I never expected to find. The sex was incredible, passionate, and unbelievable. I felt like I was 20 years old all over again. After 5 years of being "too tired" to have sex in times like these I now know the problem isn't about fading chemistry but about wasting my sexual energy fapping all the time.
  • Only a matter of weeks ago I had almost resigned myself to never being able to achieve climax during penetrative sex. Last night I had sex with my partner twice and reached climax both times! Once we started kissing and touching each other, I couldn't hold back on my urge to penetrate her. It felt so natural, the sensitivity in my penis has definitely returned, plus I feel there's more to come.

3.  Learn the timing and "map" of recovery

It can take months for an ex-user to reverse the brain changes related to excessive Internet porn use. Those recovering fall into two groups: those quitting due to sexual performance problems (erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, lack of arousal during sex) and those quitting for other reasons (escalation to disturbing tastes, desire to feel more attracted to current partner, social anxiety, brain fog).

Mysteriously, young guys with porn-related ED tend to recover more slowly than older guys. It's likely this is a function of whether highspeed porn was on tap during their adolescence (or not).

A very typical pattern of recovery (for those with ED, DE) starts with a week or two of crazy libido (higher than before quitting), which is followed by a temporary "flatline." Guys describe the flatline as "total indifference about sex and hotties, lifeless genitals, and no morning wood"—sometimes accompanied by depression. The flatline can go on for a couple of months, and even recur. Here's an interview with a guy describing a 9-month recovery. He explains which behaviors slowed his recovery. Expect a recovery period of 2-6 months or longer. 

Said one guy,

My GF and I hadn't had sex for 2-3 months. The relationship was near death. Things weren't easy. When I quit, there was an initial period of renewed sexual interest on my part, but there then followed the flatline period, which was fairly prolonged for me. I'm through it now, and sex life with GF is much healthier, and improving all the time.

Mood graphNot every guy experiences this unnerving flatline, but almost all report some unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. Typical symptoms include: insomnia, irritability, brain fog, headaches, anxiety, restlessness, depression, desire to isolate, and of course cravings. You can read many self-reports of withdrawal symptoms. The first two weeks seem to be the worst, but it may take two months or more for his mood to stabilize.

Guys without porn-related sexual dysfunction can sometimes continue to have affectionate sex during recovery. Others find it slows them down. Young guys with ED almost always heal faster if they avoid orgasm until their libido reawakens naturally.

In any case, recovery is not linear, which means he may be doing well one day and feel rotten the next, even though the overall trend is positive. Be patient.

4.  Stay confident about your attractiveness and don't seduce him (prematurely)

As you have seen, his libido may drop off alarmingly for weeks during his recovery. This has nothing to do with you. It's related to healing changes going on in the sexual/appetite centers of his brain. No need to doubt your attractiveness. Wait with confidence.

Traditionally,  both men and women assume that turning up the sexual heat is the solution to sexual sluggishness. However, in the case of most guys quitting porn the problem is the reverse: They are often numb to everyday sexual pleasures due to overconsumption of synthetic erotic enticements. They need to reboot, free of sexual performance demands.

One man described his girlfriend's support:

She has been so amazing and I would never have got through this without her. I told her that I would occasionally use porn fantasy to stay hard, and she told me that she'd rather I went soft than use porn. Knowing that actually made it easier, and I haven't even thought of porn since we had that convo a few weeks ago. She also refused to let me take any sort of ED drug, as she wanted me to sort this out naturally. Here's my advice:

1. Talk to your partner. It is by far the biggest help.

2. Take your time and go at a pace you are comfortable with.

3. Supplements had no effect what-so-ever.

4. Don't fall into the trap of looking at porn even if you don't plan to binge.

Funnily enough, my girlfriend went through a similar phase a while back of viewing too much porn and ending up finding that only girl-on-girl action would get her wet even though she is not lesbian at all. So she also had to give up the porn. I guess this in some way was good for me, because she fully understood what I was going through.

Sure, we've had some lows. She's had some insecure feelings. I've had some terrible evenings of feeling inadequate and useless, but in the end we talked through each moment and came out stronger. Then this last weekend I managed to actually get and stay hard enough for sex. This is a huge step forward for me. And I mean HUGE. This is the start of a new sexual adventure for me and it's fantastic. I'm sure it is only going to get better. My confidence is already a lot stronger.

While he is recovering, if orgasm sets off noticeable neurochemical ripples or even sends him back into a binge, don't push him to finish. Keep the sexual activity gentle and low key, that is, free of all performance pressure while his brain returns to increased sensitivity naturally. (For the science behind the brain changes occurring in connection with porn-related ED, watch the Erectile Dysfunction and Porn Video Series). It may seem counterintuitive, but it's often better to leave him wanting more than to try to exhaust his sexual desire. (Even healthy men may benefit from not overdoing it.)

In short, don't play porn star in an effort to heat him up prematurely. Although your dazzling foreplay and fantasy skills may produce the desired fireworks in the short-term, they can ultimately hamper his healing. You can make up for lost time once he returns to his studly self. Meanwhile, keep an eye out for these signs that he is truly back on track.

5.  Understand the power of soothing bonding behaviors

Although performance-driven sex will not speed your partner's recovery, regular affection can help enormously. Daily bonding behaviors can keep both of you glowing while you wait for his brain to return to normal sensitivity. Said two recovering porn users:

First guy: What helps me is as much tender touch and kissing as possible. I suffer from intense anxiety, and touching her or her touching me is so healing.

Second guy: I always was comfortable with women, kinda social, and a quite happy person, but my love story with porn was too old and too strong to let me be a 'normal' person. Daily masturbation, sometimes up to 5 times, multiple tabs, edging for hours until my dick felt nonexistent and my brain burnt like crazy. Was I single? No! The girlfriend was always asking for sex, but I would fake orgasms just to get the real "rush" with porn when she's gone. One time I had an orgasm with her, was fully satisfied, but couldn't resist porn after she left the house like an a hour after. Then it happened: my girlfriend was like disappearing. In bed she would look like fog. My brain was full of other images. I'd be thinking about porn images while [having sex], feeling foggy, sleepy, absent, like my girl was ten miles from me, so naturally, ED hit.

Denial, didn't want to stop my other love story, my longest affair ever! So I kept fantasizing while with her trying to get it hard, and my lovely girlfriend became barely another masturbation tool. I became sad, depressed, irritable, and felt I was living in a sort of bubble. The ED got worse, even fantasies weren't enough, so I looked for a solution. Decided to start the journey. Felt horny for 2 days, then big flatline. I was sleeping all day, dead dick, etc. But I talked to my girl of the goal. After a week, my girlfriend started to look real again, she gave me massages which helps the resensitization. I thought I needed weeks, even months. But yesterday we were on the couch watching a movie, and she started kissing me. I was hard, and I knew it was a different erection, an old erection, a healthy, awake one, and guess what? We made love, without any ED, without any fantasies, and it felt like she was a new person I was discovering. Even I felt like a new person. Sex was not foggy anymore, and even after orgasm I didn't feel any sadness, just plain healthy satisfaction.

Communication is also a bonding behavior:

My wife makes herself available to me as much as possible, and I don't mean this sexually. I mean that she makes herself open to talking.

Another husband wrote this after talking with his wife about his porn habit:

Couple in bedShe got it and was very supportive, we talked a lot about what I was going through and what to expect. I'm a very lucky man, as she is very understanding. She thought that I was looking at porn because she isn't attractive enough for me, but then I showed her the Coolidge effect and remembered about Hugh Grant who cheated on Liz Hurley, and at last she understood the novelty lure. After the talk we both felt like we were getting closer than ever. And you can't imagine how great a relief it was. 

Flirty behavior that makes him feel attractive is also helpful, but keep your flirtation on the playful side of passion.

Bonus tip: Explore non-goal-oriented intercourse

Rather than trying to ease your sexual frustration yourself, or via oral or digital orgasms, why not experiment with containing your own sexual energy for a bit? Some women find that a timeout from sex toys and porn ultimately increases their sensual pleasure too. You may also wish to experiment with some ancient solo practices for cultivating your sexual desire to boost your energy and stabilize your mood.

If you're both feeling bold, explore karezza (non-goal-oriented intercourse) or gentle tantra together. Relaxed intercourse can assist your partner's recovery by offering all the benefits of intimacy without any neurochemical ripples after climax. Here's a discussion between two guys who are experimenting with this during recovery:

First guy: I'm twenty days in, my girl and I have been practicing modified Karezza (she finishes, I don't), and we've been having some of the best sex we've had in our year-long relationship. Whereas before I would have weaker erections and sometimes have trouble finishing, now I could f*ck a hole in the hull of a submarine, and I'm constantly having to flex my pelvic floor muscles to avoid finishing.

Second guy: The same thing happened to me and I was so shocked by the reversal. I used to finish every time and she did half the time. Now I don't need to finish. I don't think I would have even believed that was possible before starting this recovery.

You may also want to play around with passing up orgasm yourself during sex. Some women find it helps ward off subsequent mood swings.

Whatever your choice, recovery is a unique period during which the two of you have an ideal opportunity to test non-performance oriented intercourse. Some men say it is a very useful tool in overcoming a porn addiction. 

At the end of the day...

You may both be glad that you went through this experience together. Sharing a challenge like recovery builds trust and authenticity. Think of the support you give now as an investment that will return to you when you need help or extra understanding. (Obviously, women can also be the ones who need patience and understanding while they unhook from today's erotic enticements. Guys, be patient!)

Relationships are precious. Treat your partner as you would want to be treated if you were the one whose sexuality were temporarily out of kilter. If you need to process angry feelings, do it outside your relationship with a trusted counselor. Trust that he's doing his best, and that his courageous choice to let go of porn will benefit you both. (If he behaves in bad faith, however, be ready to move on. Recovery must be his choice, and many an addict thinks he wants to recover before he is truly willing to face the pain of withdrawal.) 

Finally, even when his libido kicks in again, it can take some time to regulate lovemaking. Take it easy at first. (See Age 21 - Sex with girlfriend may have slowed reboot (ED).) Both premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation are not uncommon when intercourse enters the picture. Guys continue to see improvement for months.

Here's a young couple's account of a reboot: Age 23 - (ED): A guy and his girlfriend both describe reboot, 130 days

And here's a short one by a guy: Age 23 - ED: As the days go by, my performance exceeds what it ever has been

Also see "Why It’s A Good Thing That Men Are Reflecting About Masturbation" (article by woman).

Comments

For this guy, the relationship was a problem:

I had a serious girlfriend (a very sexually active one, ha) for the first 5 months of my NoFapistry. This greatly hurt my recovery. She was okay with us avoiding sex, but she would always walk around the apartment naked, would want to take showers with me, and was generally just turning me on without meaning to. Which would've been great, if my dick wasn't a dickhead.

She'd turn me on, then I'd try to have sex, go limp, and I'd feel like I was starting from square one again. And when I did get it up, I'd find myself THINKING about sex, to get off, rather than focusing on the sex I was having. It was just a very difficult situation to overcome. For me, and the type of personality I am, this challenge is something that I have do on my on, and isolate myself, to some degree, in order to succeed.

I have been with my bf on and off for 4 years now. We recently rekindled in August after not speaking for a little less than a year. We talked through txt and at one point it got pretty hot and heavy through txt and he invited me over to have sex. I declined...that wasn't the sort of reconnection that I wanted to make.

After declining, he said he was glad that I did because he began to feel guilty about it. He said about two months prior he decided to give up porn and masturbation.

I kind of poked fun and was a little turned off by it. I like, society plugs in our brain daily, have always thought of porn and masturbation as a part of every day life. I always knew my bf looked at porn regularly and although I didn't like being compared to those women, I thought to myself, well at least he isn't pursuing other women and cheating! WRONG WAY TO THINK! He got really upset with me for not supporting his goals and I felt bad.

So I took some time to do some research on it myself and decided that it was probably one of the best things to do. for the both of us. So I too decided to give masturbation up...I really wasn't into porn, I mainly would just fantasize to masturbate or focus on the feeling. And I really only masturbated when lonely or when I was unable to see him...he lives an hour away and works a lot. 60+ hours a week.

At first he insisted on us not having sex at all, and to me that just seemed so unreal and impossible. I always thought that part of being in the relationship was to have sex? So I objected saying that it was a way we connected. He was rather upset with me, but I kept saying what's the point of being in a relationship? Which, now I'm seeing that is so wrong.

I'm not saying that I don't feel a bond to him because I do. I love him for his mind, his humor, the way he seems to understand me...everything. But I've never had a relationship that wasn't so focused on orgasms and sex. So I guess it was just scary to me.

After coercing him and telling him that sex with me was fine, we had sex. Several times over months. At first he would try not to orgasm and I kind of got angry over it....it made me feel like it wasn't worth it or that he just didn't want to have sex. I think he did just to please me and satisfy my "needs".

December he told me that he began to notice girls a whole lot more. That average every day girls were very appealing to him and he'd fantasize..in all sort of ways. He said he also began to have wet dreams of other girls, that the dreams were never of me. I was bothered by it but read that its a part of healing and kind of brushed it off. He seemed to feel guilt and anxiety over it. as if he were going to act upon the thoughts and dreams. I said, "they are dreams, and all guys seem to notice other girls....if you and I are together, what I mean to you should stop you from acting upon those things and this is part of you getting over the years of porn that you watched."

He said he wanted new, and exciting...so I said well if there are things you want to do, then why don't we do them?? Why not have sex with me when you have the urges. I thought that this was helping the problem, but after finding your site, I realize it wasn't. We never made that bond...it was all focused on the excitement and orgasm. But I found that out too late it seems.

He and I kept having sex after that talk, and the sex became more raunchy. He was playing out his fantasies with me. There was no hand holding, there was no cuddling, barely any kissing. It was just rough, raunchy, kinky sex. Afterwards, I felt horrible. This went on for a few months and I mentioned him not being very affectionate. Then he began to withdrawal some.

One day he said he wanted to talk to me. That his dreams and fantasies were reoccurring and were more frequent. He felt that he didn't get a "dopamine rush" from me anymore. It hurt me so bad to hear that, but I feel as though I'm at fault for encouraging sex or allowing the sex to be a means of him playing out his fantasies.

I don't know if this his him still recovering or if its a hangover from us having sex, or all of the above, or that we aren't meant to be. He keeps saying that if he stays with me he feels it will turn out bad, that he will end up cheating on me because of the dreams he has been having. He keeps saying, "Obviously I am attracted to other girls."

He said at this point he doesn't want to cuddle, he wants some new excitement. that that is what his brain is craving. It sounds to me like he is just manifesting his addiction to porn by fantasizing. He keeps telling me that he's over his addiction.

I think before, we would see each other on a Saturday, have sex, he go home, look at porn to deal with the chaser effect/porn hangover, and then the following weekend he'd see me and the cycle would repeat.

Now, there is no porn and with his new position at work, we don't get to see each other as much. So of course instead of turning to porn, a human being becomes appealing...any human being.

I wanted to try Karezza but right now he is furious with me. At first he argued with me that he was over porn and his addictions, then he said I set him back and that he's now at square one because of me coercing him to have sex. I feel horrible. I told him we could try again, that after finding this site and reading more, I'm understanding more and how sorry I was. He's just so angry with me. I don't know if I should let him go or if in fact it's worth the fight. He should be willing I know, but at this point hes mad. He doesn't take "failure" well.

I will say that years ago I thought to myself, I WISH there was a guy out there who didn't focus on the superficial things, who wasn't obsessed with porn or checking out girls constantly....but I let it happen.

My bf now is a great guy, he really is. He has always been there for me, would always do anything under the sun fo me...hes been so in tune with me for so long. He's always seemed genuine. He's been with few girls and the one girl that he did have a hook up with, he felt extreme guilt afterwards. He tells me that he feels guilty to just hook up and that that's not what sex is about or that I just want tp get my rocks off.

Yet, now he sounds like a dog in heat ready to hump anything. It's scary, I've never seen him like this. I feel like I'm losing him. I thought this was going to be great for us, but it has caused so much drama in our relationship. I've been so down about it all and I feel helpless.

 

Maybe my story will help someone else.

About four week ago, my boyfriend told me that he wasn't going to watch porn anymore or masturbate. I told him that's wonderful, but if you can't or don't, don't feel bad (I'm still here for you!).

Well, it's been 21 days and let me tell you, the sex is AMAZING. He has grown very confident and sexy. I call him my secret Alpha Male. Before, I would say I had a higher sex drive than him. Now, he is like an animal. Foreplay is amazing. He did my favorite role play last night. He gets turned on and loves turning me on. I've never had so much attention! He's even gotten a bit more outgoing.

We've had sex nearly every night and he's gotten much more creative with it. This was his decision - I didn't pressure him into it. The thing is... I notice more girls checking him out! Just makes me proud to be with him. He pays more attention to me. He's kept me updated willingly because he seems quite proud of his accomplishment.

So, thank you http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/for the best sex of my life.

(Further explanation) I would have never said I was attracted to your "traditional" alpha male. My boyfriend is quiet and reserved in general. Now though, he seems like he is a man as men "should be" (I'm trying to use this phrase carefully).

What I mean by him being an alpha male is ED is not a problem, he is confident in everything he does (speaking, physically, in bed). What he wants in bed is so sexy. He desires things more. He has more of a "take-charge" attitude, but he's not a douche or an asshole. He's not like in the movies - he's still quiet and reserved... but it really seemed to add an additional layer of sexiness somehow.

(A guy) It's great to hear about stories like these where partners are so supportive. It's almost impossible for many to overcome, especially on their own, so that extra support could be the entire difference of whether or not someone remains a slave to this or not for the rest of their life.

__

(A guy) I've thought about how fun it would be to educate women in general about how positive it can be as partners. Then when they're with someone who suffers from ED/DE, or if he watches a lot of porn, they can say, "Yeah, my last boyfriend had issues, too. Then he did nofap and it turned things around dramatically."

Or we could give out t-shirts. "No Sex unless you No Fap!" Hahahaha!

 

From:

"Thank you, NoFap -Sincerely, satisfied girlfriend"

http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1917vz/thank_you_nofap_sincerely_...

The best part about having a gf through this is that you are able to talk to her about the problem. Girls are natural talkers so they wanna hear all about it :D Plus a girl loves it when you are trying to improve the relationship.

Last night, I told my wife I had joined an online support group for my PMO addiction. I told her about all you great people and how you encourage each other and share your success stories. She started crying, but it wasn't tears of sadness. She wasn't walking away, like she needed to when I first told her about my porn problem. They were tears of joy, and she was walking towards me, to embrace me. She was thanking me. Porn ostracizes you from your loved ones. It separates you. What we do here... it brings you together.

Original post

I'm a 19 year old lady and my boyfriend introduced me to NoFap, I've been lurking for a while and only decided to join yesterday. In the beginning of our relationship he was inexperienced, watched a whole lot of porn, and seemed to have a lot of self-doubt which really affected him getting (and staying) aroused. We called it his "bipolar" dick, and I never made him feel guilty about it but it seemed to really affect him. That coupled with it making me a bit insecure about myself, because I didn't know the cause of it, and I thought he found me unattractive, prompted him to try to change it.

He linked the cause of it to over-stimulation/too much PMO, and after about 3 months of NoFap was able to become and stay fully erect for a long-ass time, much to both of our delights. He's much happier now and somehow more confident and I really owe it to this subreddit.

As for myself, I'm sure this has been mentioned here before but schlicking (I really hate that term, guys, it sounds like something damp and moldy) can get pretty uncontrollable. There's no period of "down time" after you cum like there is for most guys, so you can pretty much cum as many times in a day as there are minutes if you're really ambitious. On "sick days" home from school I'd go on porn binges and cum about 30+ times in a day and feel pretty disgusted with myself.

Other than that, I want to stop having to imagine really degrading porn while having sex just so I can cum, it really detaches me from the intimacy of the situation.

http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1ax1wk/introduction_how_it_helped...

Subject: I have lost girlfriends because of porn induced ED Well, I know how difficult it can be for girls to cope with this. They suddenly discover that we men do crave for sex and that those pornstars can highjack their partner's brain. It must be really a disturbing experience.

However, let me make my point. I have been struggling for years with ED and only a few years ago I started to suspect it could be related to porn use.

I have had and lost two girlfriends in these years. And I really was in love with one of them. I think that their reactions are understandable and they also suffer along the process. But I wasn't even given a sympathetic ear to share my problems. A man fails once or more and then the woman panics. To my mind this exposes how women are also disconnected of men's realities and feelings.

So what I would tell women who are reading this: if you feel that your partner indeed loves you, support him. You don't need to become a pornstar. You just have to listen and give emotional support. This helps with the healing process and strengthens intimacy between you. Know that there are different levels in which attraction or bonding occurs. Addiction to porn is merely visual and animal. Sexual attraction coupled with bonding love and trust on an emotional and spiritual level is much stronger.

One of the reasons I didn't heal up to now is that I was waiting to find a supportive partner to help me along the process and I was not aware of the symptons associated with healing from porn addiction. Being left by already two girlfriends I continued to use porn as a crutch and I had a hard time dealing with the abstinence and without a supportive girlfriend.

Now I am more knowledgeable about it and I am confident I can be healed based upon the reports of other users. So I will try to "reboot" alone. But I wish I had a supportive girlfriend to be with me along the process, because porn has also always been for me a refuge of rejection and romantic frustrations. Hint: I am healthy, tall, attractive and smart.

So I think that the article is not about blaming women. But making them more aware of this widespread problem. And in doing so, they will more likely be able to deal with this challenge in their relationships.

Hey, Just wanted to say well done to everyone for trying to conquer their problems. My boyfriend has never joined this subreddit but we have both lurked here from time to time and I know it helps him. He's over 40 days in and his PMO is pretty much gone, which means as a couple in their early twenties we are actually able to have a healthy and satisfying sex life for the first time in our relationship. It's not been easy but he's made it!

Thank you everyone for providing support and inspiration. I'd really like to give something back to this community if I can. I know that for some people it helps to write out a post or just to read the posts of others.

But if there is anyone who would like someone to chat to for whatever reason about anything at all... I'm here. A stranger, but perhaps someone who can offer a girls perspective and knows a bit about the stuff you might be going through. Anyway, that's all really. Send me a message if you want.

I wish everyone good luck and I hope you all become what you what you were meant to be.

http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1mwrwr/bfs_pmo_is_gone_d_voluntee...

First of all - I am a girl so if you're against girls posting here please don't read further. It might contain triggers for some.

Secondly - I'm posting this because I seriousy believe this can help some people out there. Also English is not my first language, so pls forgive any mistakes I'm going to make.

Here it goes: I'm 26 yo. I have a wonderful boyfriend (32) and we've had a great relationship... until about a year ago something started to go wrong.

At first he started avoiding sex. We only had sex every 4-6 weeks... and ONLY because I was begging for it. He was always "tired" and uninterested; talked about "stress at work", told me "not to exxagerate". "Life is not all about sex you know" - he used to say... I started questioning myself, my looks, my worth. For me it wasn't even about sex, I wanted intimacy. I wanted him to be interested in me as a woman, wanted to feel WANTED. But that was non-existent. Colleagues at work complemented on how nice I looked, some men were still hitting at me out there, but at home, there was NOTHING. And when we had sex it was nothing like it used to be. Automatic, rough, very porn-like. No hugging afterwards. No kissing. No foreplay. Sex - orgasm - you got what you wanted, now leave me for 4 weeks.

Other aspects of our relation seemed OK, so I thought this is just a rough period we're going through and that eventually it will get better. I decided to be patient and understanding. I stopped asking for sex.

Soon after those problems started I've begun noticing my boyfriend was more and more cynical, distant, harsh on me. He made stupid comments. Nothing really nasty, but he just wasn't nice to me anymore...

Sometimes he would sit there and it looked like.....like he lacked soul. I'm sorry if this comparison seems horrible, but this is exactly how I percived him. He avoided other people, liked being on his own, didn't want to go out... I often made comments like "we're not 70 yet, let's enjoy life hun", tried to get him interested in different things but it didn't work. Everytime I gave him a hug, a kiss on the chick I would not get ANY reaction. When we were watching a movie together and I tried leaning on him gently, just to feel some sort of human contact, he would say " don't touch me honey, I was so comfortable on my own, just want to see the movie".

I had no idea what was wrong. Maybe he just wasn't that kind of "touchy" person? Maybe that was his nature? Maybe I want too much? Maybe next month/year it will change...

I hated the cold person he was becoming. We started arguing more and more often. And to have sex once every month, every two months was killing me. I often cried (usually in private, but sometimes in front of him to make him realise what this is doing to me. It didn't help).

I turned to ocasional masturbation. I didn't want to cheat on him and my sex-drive was high, so this seemed like a rational move. But I felt insecure and unhappy. I still wanted to have a "man" at home, not just someone who would do the shopping and drive me to work.

I started fantasising about other men. I would imagine a life with someone else, someone affectionate, warm. Someone who would hold my hand, someone who would hug me at night, someone who liked sex. I would think about it at night, lying next to my boyfriend - who by that time was more like a robot than a real man to me. For the first time in months I started noticing other guys interested in me. When I was happy I never paid any attention to their advances, but now their nice words helped me feel like a woman. I never went out with any of those guys, never cheated. They just seemed so caring and romantic comparing to my boyfriend.

Than, a week ago, I discovered that my boyfriend is seriously addicted to porn and masturbation. I borrowed his laptop and saw all those things... It became clear to me that all those months I was trying to "connect" with him... he spent looking at other women. Porn actresses. He was also registered on one of the adult "dating" sites and sent messages to some women there. Young, old... One of them was as old as my mum. She was not even attractive, not someone I woud ever feel treatened by in real life... Why on Earth would he do that to me? The beakdown I had at that moment is indescribable... :/// I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I confronted him. This is when he broke down and admitted he was a PMO addict. All that time I thought he was uninterested in sex... he spent nearly every morning masturbating in the bathroom watching porn. I remember he liked spending a lot of time in the bathroom but it ever occured to me that this was the reason why. It came as a shock - complete shock - because I never ever imagine him to be one of "those guys"... You see, I thought the only guys masturbating to porn are those who can't get "normal sex"... Masculine, successful, handsome men don't spend their mornings touching their genitals... That's what I though. It didn't make any sense to me.

His honesty was the only reason I didn't move out then and there. I cried and cried over the next days... I don't want to go into details of what I've been through but it was the most horrible thing to experience. As a woman I felt my world has collapsed. To know that he was arroused by "those women" and preferred them to me was just heart-breaking.

I looked for information about porn addiction and discovered yourbrainonporn, this forum, other sites... We talked a lot. A lot. And this is probably what saved the feelings I had left for him. He told me he is determined to beat it. It became obvious that this is the first time he realised he HAS a SERIOUS PROBLEM. I didn't understand why he hasn't noticed that earlier?! This was pushing him into a very dark place...away from me, his family and life in general. I thought to myself that if ever reached a point where looking at countless penises online would be my preffered activity... I would surely realise I had a problem, right? To be in the best years of your life and waste them like that... He must have known... Or so I thought. The more are read about porn-addcition the more I undestood...

I now believe him he might not have realised where porn was taking him. Why? Because I - too - started going in that direction and didn't notice any red falgs...: I was in a relationship and masturbated way more often than when I was single... I was unhappy but didn't know why.... I blamed others. Who knows where would it take me..

Up until last Saturday I never viewed porn as a negative thing. In fact, I've always been "open-minded" about it and thought it can't hurt you if you know how to use it. This is B*S. It will hurt you if you use it. It will make you sad, lonely, detached. Unhappy. There is nothing good that you can get out of your relationship with porn. I wish people spoke more openly about what PMO has done to their lives.

We've almost lost each other. I'm not saying we will definately get through it - it's only been a week and I know his problem goes waaay back. He was hiding it for years. There is no doubt he will find this journey hard. And I have to trust him again, belive in myself, stop comparing myself to other women... It will be hard :/ But his heart and mind are in the right place. And mine are too.

So we're doing this 90-days no PMO challenge together. I sincerely hope it will "rewire" our minds and bodies. I honestly don't want to spend my life like this. I know he feels the same.

I know we have everything we need to succeed. I'm wondering whether it would help anyone if I wrote here from time to time, telling obout our experience...

I hope you find it in yourself and realise you're so much better that this sh*t. Real life is waiting for you.Don't spend your valuable time looking at strange women spreading their legs and random guys getting between them... :/ :/ :/

I admire you all for being strong, for continuing on this journey and for wanting to change :)

http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1o7mt9/how_my_bfs_pmo_uknowingly_...