Fapped to porn for 40 years - ED & PE gone

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LINK - 40yearfapper

Day 101 - no porn, 23 - no MO: YBOP says the reboot isn't linear and that mixing in sex, orgasms, relapses, can slow you down. I guess I qualify for all the above. After 3 years of limp dick, it got hard within 7 days of nofap. Yet, here I am 90-something-days after that "steel pipe" I wrote about with a limp dick and full-on-ED AND flatlining. My mostly average equipment gives new meaning to the term twig and berries as it has mostly shrunken into my belly. I haven't been able to get hard for my lovely SO in over two weeks... despite a couple of 'college tries' that ended in major failure.

So I've resigned myself to just sit back and wait for my wires to get unscrambled. (I have not looked at porn in 101 days, but my shit is still so fucked up.)

I finally broke the cycle of MO relapses that started at day 56, then 3 days later, then 2 weeks later, then 1 week later...now at 23 days.

Yet, today I had Motivation (to 'test' which yes, I know, is a very bad thing to do), Method, and Opportunity and started rubbing my twig and berries in a mostly comforting manner...which led to some external cowper's gland/prostate massage and some precum.

A thought occurred to me, specifically: "You fuckin' idiot. You're just making this flatline take that much longer. STOP!" Which I did.

So now I'm sitting here with blueballs, and a limp dick (that didn't even get all the way hard during the above) and an SO who has been though enough so I'm not asking her for anything until I can give her the hard dick she craves.

I've read about some guys' reboots taking 120 days. I guess mine is just going to take a very long time...

I can't believe I actually posted my reboot was complete almost two months ago.

tl;dr: If somebody comes along behind me who has been trying hard not to masturbate for nearly 4 months -- and in fact only masturbated 4 times during that period, and thought his ED was cured, only to be in a major flatline at this point, I hope this post helps him know he's not alone -- and I sincerely hope I emerge from this flatline (and soon) and can provide that encouragement as well!


 Day 29 What I know for sure is:

 ·       it is NOT a medical issue. I have had some steel pipe erections since I started my reboot. The plumbing in-and-to my dick works just fine.

 ·       I AM attracted to my SO and want very much to have sex with her.

 I just think this is going to take a while, obviously longer than 90 days, but sitting here at 29 days since my last fap I am really, really, no-bullshit, only 29 days into my reboot.

 During my 'first' reboot, I felt a new energy, most-or-all of the nofap benefits, cured ED, the whole-nine-yards.

 Now (in addition to the physical flatline symptoms) I also feel like my 'positive' attitude is wavering, my 'everything will be OK' attitude is fading, my new-relationship-infatuation with my SO isn't there any more, and now I'm just the same guy I was before nofap except that I haven't fapped in 29 days or had an orgasm in 21.


 Day 56 For me, fapping was always kind of a comfort drug. Taking it off the table the first time was really difficult, but once it was off the table it got easier.

 My #1 trigger point is a fight with my SO -- especially if I felt like she was unfair to me (i.e. I didn't deserve anything of what she was mad about.) I had successfully resisted that trigger a couple of times over the 56 days; but when she started nagging me the night we were going to have sex I broke down and fapped.

 After that I fapped 3 more times over the month...each time rationalizing I had reset anyway, so WTF difference would one more reset make.

 Since then over the last 30 days I've edged a few times... and each time I could feel myself getting sucked down the drain to the point where I wouldn't be able to stop. But now, I've finally put it in my mind that I can keep fapping, and I can keep rebooting forever, while my hot, sexy, ready, willing, and wanting SO lies beside me frustrated. These thoughts have been powerful enough to get me to back away despite a pounding heart and an urgent need to finish...and to deal with the blueballs and go forward.

 Also, that in truth, given the choice between her vagina and my hand, I'd pick her vagina almost everytime. But for some reason, the more I pick my hand, the less I have the option of her vagina.

 It is my extreme hope that our posts collectively provide eternal documentation of what happens when you get addicted to Internet PMO and that we help millions to avoid this terrible trap.


 Day 108

 On ED: I was 'cured' within 3-7 days of starting NoFap. At 57 days I was so convinced that I was cured that I started fapping (light touch, no porn, no fantasy). ED came back hard (or should I say soft?) I've been flatlining for about 3 weeks with no chance of PIV sex until just this morning. Here I sit at 108 days since starting and 30 days since last fap and I haven't been able to have sex for three weeks.

 All reboots are different. All brains are different. There are no guarantees.

 On PE: It's worse than when I was a virgin. When I do manage to get it in, I bust before she even gets started.

 I think there is a huge disconnect in what our BRAIN needs to send the signals to our penis to retain blood and what our PENIS communicates to our brain about what it is feeling.

 The former seems to take forever to 'heal' and the latter seems to heal very quickly (i.e. recovery from deathgrip.) I've become so incredibly sensitive that one time all she did was touch it and it exploded all all over her (still soft).

 This whole process FUCKIN' SUCKS but I did it to myself with OCD-PMO and I just have to get through the process.

 I got hard as a telephone pole this morning, but circumstances were just that it was not going to happen. I believe that if she had the time I would have been able to easily penetrate her.

 Sadly, I would have also cum within seconds of said penetration.

 Once everything balances out and erections are not an issue, I plan on allowing myself more orgasms via her vagina, mouth, hands (in that order) and maybe even an occasional fap if that's what it takes to not pop-off when put-in.

 From everything I've read, we will all be OK, but there are some uncomfortable symptoms between now and OK, and we just have to gut them out.


 Day 145 History

 I'm the highly sexed one. Don't get me wrong, she loves sex; but has never wanted it more than once per week, and if we go two or three weeks that's OK. It's only after about 3 weeks does she even hint that maybe she would like to have sex.

 Actually the above is not quite fair. When we first got together she initiated almost every night, and had no problem doing almost anything. I can remember for the first time in my life actually not being the one wanting more.

 After a few months of that I missed masturbating; so I did. I told her and she became very hurt, angry, and upset. She told me that was her job. I thought that was some kind of sick, overly religious, bullshit. (I wish I could go back with the understanding I have now because I now believe she was right. And whether religiously motivated or not, I'm finding lots of things with religious roots come from centuries of wisdom and are not totally stupid -- or bullshit.)

 The above caused a fracture in our sex life where I fought for control of my own body and she shut down to the above behavior of wanting frequent and slightly kinky sex. As she shut down I pushed, begged, threatened, belittled, compared her to other women, and destroyed her sexuality... only THEN did the first paragraph come to be my reality.

 I did chose to stay with her, because I've seen broken homes and very, very few men will ever love a child like their own. I wanted my kids to be raised by two loving parents... so I retreated into a world where I fapped my way to ED. (And now I'm so very, very sorry for what I did to her... and not in a 'how it affected me' way but in an 'I am such an asshole and do not deserve her' kind of way.

 Then we had a dead-bedroom for quite some time.

 Things I wondered about:

 ·       why PIV sex [intercourse] was so amazing when around the time I lost my virginity; but became progressively less stimulating until it didn't do much for me?

 ·       why the shower nozzle could get me off in less than a minute, and progressively got to the point where I felt NOTHING at full blast on my frenulum?

 Lots of stuff like this, both mentally and physically. Sadly PMO is a 'silent' killer of good sex. Every day you jerk off, you squeeze a little harder, jerk a little faster, look at a little kinker porn.

 Then I found NoFap.

 Now things are healing. We do it once per week like clockwork, and I suspect it will be more often on vacation (only because she won't be so tired). We are back to things happening other than missionary position, and we are slowly healing.

 The most important thing I want to say here is that: I would not change my life. Yes, if I could go back and leave her I would have had a tremendously more fulfilling sex life, and nowhere near the relationship with my kids (and now grandkids). My life is awesome, and from this side of the fence I see clearly that the sex was not nearly as important as the love and the relationships with kids, spouses of kids, and grandkids. So please don't ever leave just for want of sex.

 Maybe it will never heal? I know my lovely SO will never be able to fully heal from the wounds I caused and therefore never be back to the 'any time, any where, any thing' girl I met. Doesn't matter. We are deeply in love and have an incredibly fulfilling life... even without lots of kinky sex.


 Day 147

 The main problem is that it takes a LONG time for your brain to reset. I was also hopeful that I would see immediate and lasting signs that I was cured. However, that was not to be.

 It is said that those of use who are older (I'm 50) and learned to masturbate with pictures in magazines were forced to use our imagination to place ourselves in the picture with the naked girl...and who have had a great deal of actual experience having sex with women tend to be 'cured' faster.

 This is somewhat the case with me. I experienced my first successful PIV sex after only 7 days of nofap. However, I've come to learn that my brain gets a HUGE flow of dopamine from masturbation and a tiny flow of dopamine from PIV sex.

 So if I fap at all, it tends to make sex more difficult. And there is an irony here, because now that I fap less, when I DO fap, the dopamine rush is even that much larger! So, the first 7 days leading to sex was how I reacted 148 days ago when I started this; but now when I fap I can destroy my ability to achieve and maintain an erection for several weeks!

 It is all very difficult because the PIV orgasm leaves me horny for more (i.e. the 'chaser') and it is very difficult for me not to fap after sex. When I fail and fap after sex, I pay the price between her legs with a limp dick. However, when I can manage to not fap, I can get hard (even if it takes a little effort) and stay hard long enough to have an orgasm inside of her.

 However, I do now battle PE and most often need to use my finger on her clit in order for her to get off because I simply don't last long enough to satisfy her.

 I sincerely hope that at some point the masturbation won't be such a dopamine rush so I can last longer in bed, but for now that's just not practical.


 Day 149

I purposely avoid any type of 2d arousal at all. If I'm browsing the web, in a movie or watching TV and the scene turns sexy I will avert my eyes. At first I didn't fantasize about anything, and the first time fapping like that was actually quite exciting. However, it became boring very quickly.

 Now I only allow myself to fantasize about my SO, and only about her doing things she likes to do -- keeping it real life and in an attempt to wire my arousal circuits back to sex with her. I try very hard to not fap at all, not fantasize when not fapping, not edge, etc. The more I can 'save it up' for actual sexytime, the fewer ED related issues I have.


Day 153

 I was flatlining at 80 days, and it lasted 3 weeks. (I'm not recommending this; but I fapped 3 times to pull myself out of the flat line).

 At about 120 things started really getting better; but by then I'd learned that PIV is a small dopamine rush (and doesn't mess up my system as much)... but fapping is a very large dopamine rush (and messes up my system).

 To the extent that I can not edge, fantasize, rub on things, wash too carefully, etc..... I do better.

 Although I have effed up and fapped 8 or 10 times over the 5 months I've been a noFapper (and have not looked at porn -- or any erotic 2d simulation (not even pretty FB girls) at all during this time; FINALLY at 5 months I can just recently...within the last 3 weeks or so... consistently really feel the 'weight in my dick' ... most girls look pretty... and my dick feels alive both in my pants and out with thoughts or possibility of sexytime.

 I read something recently that I think has helped as well: when you want it hard and you're with a girl, don't keep feeling it / testing it / thinking about it... just try to concentrate on her and the sensations you're feeling. It's natural for erections (and semi's / chubbs) to come and go during foreplay... just let it happen and when it's time to put it in, you get a dopamine boost that fuels a rock hard erection -- at least that is how it seems to be working for me now...

 Anyway, at 5 months I'm really starting to gain/feel some confidence that when I want my dick to be hard that it will be. And that is very cool.

 BTW, you do get huge boners from no fap. Lack of dopamine/receptors leads to weak (smaller, not as thick) erections. Getting past that by no fap leads to strong (longer, thicker) erections.

 I won't say that my dick has grown, but I will say that for years it never erected to its potential. It is now growing erect to its true potential!

 For me, there's two kinds of horny... broken and fixed. Broken horny is an emotional craving for sex without the 'weight in your dick', morning woods, and most especially, effortless erections that accompany sexual thoughts and/or situations.

 Fixed horny is a feeling of urgency, like when you get really, really hungry and IS accompanied by 'weight in your dick', morning woods, and effortless erections surrounding sexual thoughts and/or situations...


Day 155

Maybe I'm the exception, but 30ish years ago, I would get extremely excited and have my best orgasms from PIV. Masturbation was a poor substitute -- kind of like eating a hamburger when you wanted a steak.

Now, my brain is rewired, and even very little fantasy (and ONLY about my SO... with no porn whatsoever... and even zero fantasy)... and I get erect faster, harder, and have a much more powerful orgasm from masturbating than from PIV... and I'm at 155 days since I started my nofap journey.

I assume my brain will eventually completely rewire (especially to the extent I can avoid MO), but for now, a really good fap sets me back in the ED department (and even in my want/need for PIV sex).

When I abstain completely, PIV is pretty darn exciting, even now, and the orgasm (while not as good as MO) is still pretty darn good.

I really think I will get back, and hope very much that I do. Abstaining is very tough, and gets tougher however. At this point my libido seems to be nearly where it was before I was broken -- which is to say high. Yet I can't go crazy both out of not wanting to over do it, and because her libido isn't as high as mine.

And so we are coming full circle to the fork in the road where I went the wrong way (PMO). I must find a productive way to channel the extra sexual energy and avoid any type of MO.

This is all a good sign however, that things are healing; so yes, some day I hope PIV with her will become my most enjoyable sex, and MO a poor substitute, much less fulfilling, very rare event.


Day 160 161 days ago I could not feel anything while watching extreme porn, and using extreme measures (physically) to masturbate.

However, for the last month I have had PIV sex as often as I have wanted. I get erections by simply looking at or touching her sexy parts. My erections:

·       are of awesome quality: thick, long, pointed up

·       are impervious to things like: interruptions, changing positions, something going wrong (i.e. she gets a cramp in her foot), her taking extra long to get 'ready' (i.e. she is exhausted and just doing it for me), or even something I do wrong (i.e. accidentally pull her hair)

·       last as long as I want them to (this is only a very recent development as I have started having more sex...and have found the correct balance that eliminates my temporary-nofap-induced PE.)

·       stay hard AFTER I cum, after she cums, and allows us to 'cuddle connected' as long as we like.

My sensitivity outside the bedroom is back... colors and music are beautiful again... food tastes incredible... I don't feel like I need alcohol to be happy... I don't feel like I need to over eat to be happy.

I'm losing weight and rarely drink alcohol.

Most girls are pretty to me, and especially my SO. While they are pretty, I'm not the slightest bit interested in girls who are 18-30ish... they don't even register on my radar. Even women who are 40-50ish, while I do find them more attractive -- which is very oddly strange as I've never felt that before -- they are attractive in more of an admiration thing than a lustful thing. The only woman who I feel sexual thoughts towards is my beautiful SO.

My business life has improved 1000%. I now work very hard every day instead of surfing porn, and the results are evident. My finances are turning around from declining to increasing. Finally, and here is the unexpected thing, I got my fap back. I can now fap a couple of times per week (always with zero porn, only thinking about her, and a light touch)... and:

·       I get hard instantly

·       It only takes a few minutes

·       It does not change anything about the above

I do not believe any of these changes are placebo. I believe they are all about getting your dopamine/receptor/reward system back in balance.

Hang in there, those who are starting... it took WAY longer (almost twice as long) as the 90 days I was expecting... but the benefits are SO

worth it!


 Day 182

Wow! Rounding the corner of 180 days of no PMO, leaving problems in a trail of dust.

ED? No issues whatsoever.

Wiring? Put it this way. Glimpses of 18 year old hard bodies in bikinis are fading into much less interesting and my SO now can get me hard walking around in her underwear.

Sensitivity? I never understood why I could not completely feel a girl gripping me like when I was a kid. Now I feel it completely.

Intensity? Whole body orgasms from PIV now the rule.

Refractory period? I can do it at night, and again the next morning if I want to...but...

Libido... Truth is I am happy with a couple of times per week.

Relationship? She is responding to the fact that I now act as though I believe that she is all I need, and our sex life is 100 percent fulfilling to me...meaning she is coming out if her shell and being sexier and less inhibited.

It took nearly six months, but we are almost fully healed as a couple, and I am almost fully healed as a man.

EDIT: I forgot to mention... PE? Gone. Urge to masturbate? 20% of all time high. Frustration if sex was supposed to happen 'tonight' and doesn't? Minimal. This is too good to be true... and by the way... who in the hell downvotes this? Somebody who WANTS to have PE, lousy orgasms, long refractory periods, shitty relationships, ED, and attraction to pixels instead of girls?


QUESTION - you have never watched porn during those six months?

No; and I believe this is a HUGE reason for my success.

As unpopular as this statement may be... my name says it all. I fapped for 40 years...to....porn!! And I never had an ED problem until the last 3.5 years. Interestingly the non-Internet-tube-site porn was causing MAJOR problems (more on that below), but I just didn't know it.

I thought it was age, or the fact that I'm out of shape, or boredom or whatever... until I found YBOP and understood how INTERNET porn overloads our limbic systems and causes us to become unresponsive to real girls and sex with them.

Now, I'm under no illusions that just because I've gone six months without ANY porn that I am now able to go back to non-Internet porn. I believe I have permanently broken that system. So I would no more look at ANY porn than smoke a cigarette as both would land me right back in chain-smoking/fapping land.

Here's the kicker. For the ENTIRE 40 years I was broken in non-ED types of ways.

· I expected all women to do everything and didn't care if they were not comfortable...for cryin' out loud, thousands of porn girls do it

· I expected all sex to be like porn sex (which makes objects out of women and does extremely little to provide them with love, dignity, respect, kindness, etc.)

· I was NEVER satisfied with sex with any woman... no matter what she did, how often she did it, etc. it was never enough

· I destroyed many relationships over the above

· I was never happy with my sex life

· I was never happy in relationships because I didn't work on them...didn't need to... if she got pissed or whatever, I had my porn harem to satisfy my sexual needs

· sex just didn't feel awesome like when I was a kid just after losing my virginity... I mean, it was very good, but not so incredibly awesome that I could actually feel every cell inside of her touching every cell on me and all of those cells firing electrical pleasure signals that explode all over me... now it does again...

· all things pleasurable in life (colors, music, touch, conversation, comedy, helping others, being kind, experiencing kindness from others, etc.) are now extremely pleasurable where for many, many years those things had become dull..

It's amazing...

Comments

I'm glad for 40yearfapper. Through his obstinate refusal to engage in viewing P he's finally escaped the "Control System" that ruled his life and kept him and consequently his relationships subjugated for those miserable 40 years. Salut!

Thank you very, very much. It makes it much easier for me.