I relapsed or am in danger of relapse. (EMERGENCY MEASURES)

Sound familiar? A forum member wrote:

• Come on, you’ve lasted so long without porn, it’s time to reward yourself.
• Let’s just look at some porn, no masturbation, and see how much progress you’ve made.
• You feel miserable, porn will make you feel better.
• Porn isn’t that bad, every guy views it at some stage, you’re a drop in the ocean, etc.
• OK, no hard porn, just nudes, that’s not so bad.
• Right, make that no nudes either, just bikini models.
• Come on, one more video, the last one ever!
• You relapsed yesterday, a Tuesday in the middle of the month. Let’s watch porn either until Sunday or the end of the month, so you can start recovery on a fresh week/month, that’s how all successful recoveries start
• Etc, etc…

They all basically boil down to “let’s watch one more, one last time”, and it’s never, ever the last one. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

One guy posted this to himself on his blog:

Remember how terrible you felt when you started your reboot? You were hanging out on that suicide channel on mirc. Anxiety due to lack of fapdom is worth it over chronic depression. Over time things will only get easier. Plus there's no doubt you experienced a surge in confidence, a desire to go out more and significantly improved gym performance when you skipped the porn. There's no room for error here. One fail always seems to result in binging and a horrid state of mind. You don't need that.

Another guy posted this:

Almost relapsed. Luckily, I'd made a list of reasons for avoiding porn at the start of this reboot. Without it, I probably wouldn't have been able to reason myself out of it. Even though going over the list reduced my desire by a large amount, I still had doubts, so I switched off the computer and lay in bed for a while thinking things through until the cravings had almost completely subsided. After that, my brain was way too active for me to fall asleep so I thought I'd spend some time typing up this experience for future reference.

Another guy:

After I relapsed on sunday my mood has been swinging like a rollercoaster. For you guys who are tempted, DONT DO IT!!! It's not worth it at all. You are just going to feel like shit. And it's no fun feeling like that.

Another guy:

A binge must be very different than just a relapse. For the almost 4 months I've been rebooting I have never had the urges or withdrawal symptoms I've had this past week (after a binge). All of my prior relpases were short / one-off type situations and all of them caused much less of an urge afterward than I have fought off this whole week.

What if it's already too late?

One of the most often asked questions is: "I've just relapsed, does this mean I am starting over at Day 1?" The simple answer is, "no." The days you spent not using porn have altered your brain in positive ways. Every time you say "no" to your porn habit, it strengthens your executive-control brain circuits and weakens your addiction circuits. Is an obese dieter back to day 1 because he pigged out on the weekend? No. Neither are you. Simply learn from the relapse, expect a strong chaser effect for a few days, take steps to prevent a similar one in the future, and start again.

Another question is, "Once I relapsed, I decided to binge because it makes it easier to resist porn for several days. Is that the right approach?" Rebooting is all about rewiring and you'll have to rewire the "urges" part sooner or later, meaning that the sooner you take the urges head on, the sooner your brain is back in balance. So a binge slows things more than a slip. Since the goal is rewiring your brain in the face of resistance (cravings), it's best to get on with it as soon as you can. Binging to quell cravings doesn't make the task any easier, and may, in fact, intensify your addiction. Said one guy:

I usually have more success in resuming my reboot when I hold out after having just one orgasm. Three days ago, I binged and had four O's within a few hours' time. I almost always relapse again quickly if I binge (watch porn several times and go several sessions as soon as my refractory period is over).

Another guy:

When I first started this process, my feeling after a relapse was a very big low. And even days following. These times are crucial to avoid PMO even more. Train your brain to not want another "hit" even after you relapsed. It was hard to do no doubt, but it is SO worth it. Even now, after my last few relapses, I didn't get down on myself and said "All right, messed up, no big deal, try again and move forward" rather than "I messed up, I hate myself, why am I like this? I'll never recover." All these things will try to invade your mind, but they become more and more distant.

It's a rare addict who does not relapse during a recovery period. I suspect that a higher percentage of porn addicts relapse than do those recovering from other addictions. Cues and triggers are everywhere. Most users spend hours on their computers. And masturbation is a normal part of most (Western) existences.

Imagine a recently sober alcoholic taking a job as a bartender. Not a good idea. Still, the alcoholic has a choice as to whether s/he will consume alcohol. You have no choice. You will see sexy pictures. You are like an alcoholic taking little sips all the time, and yet you resist. Give yourself some credit, and keep going.

A relapse is just a "fresh cycle." Yes, it may produce some neurochemical ripples for a few days, which may show up as intense cravings, and "I don't care anymore" attitude, irritability, discouragement, brain fog or a desire to isolate. Yet, it's only a big problem if your brain succeeds in pushing you into a binge.

Be watching for strong urges over the next few days. See Do You Need a Chaser after Sex?

Others have found the techniques listed below helpful in avoiding the urge to binge. Find the combination that works for you. As one guy said,

"Edging" didn't ease my urges. I'm feeling much calmer and quieter on the inside without it. What helps when urges arise are: touching myself in a different, non-erotic way, cold showers or just dripping water softly on my penis and balls, breathing, and distraction (doing something different).

DISTRACTION is your friend right now. This guy explained his technique:

When you give yourself permission because you have a strong urge, relapse IS automatic. It's definitely true once you've said "OK, I'm horny my boner is stiff, I can MB." That's when you've already failed. The most important thing I can suggest to anyone at any level in this addiction is shift your focus. That is so important. So So So important. As soon as your focus has correctly been shifted, your urge has disintegrated at least 50%.

What do you like to do besides porn? What entertains you? Go on YOUtube and watch a video of that. I like to watch guys lifting weights that almost seem inhuman. By the time, I'm done watching that video, I watch another one relating to that video. Before you know it, I'm in "sports performance mode" and thinking about how I can add 5 lbs to bench press. And not in, "Shit, is this gonna be another relapse?"

There's gotta be some type of group of videos (besides porn) that can get you into a different state of mind. Put whatever "hobby video" in "priority one" mode ALL the time. Always put it in "priority one." Give yourself no choice but to watch "priority one" FIRST.

If you definitely are going to watch porn and MB without a doubt in your mind, and you've given up, then I recommend telling yourself, right after you watch one "hobby video" you can watch a porn video. First things first.

Other Suggestions:

• Cold water (on genitals in the sink or tub) or cold showers seems to calm the body down (see instructions below this page)
• Try the Red X Technique
• Talk to a friend that knows about your addiction (by phone or in person)
• I use a breathing technique... Basically I put my hands on my knees, semi-bent over, and get rid of all the air in my lungs. I then straighten out, with my fists on my hips, and count to 10. I then take a deep yoga breath in (breathing through the diaphragm, not the shoulders) and relax my hands to my sides. Do that a few times, and I find it helps control and dissipate erections... Along with just calming me down.
• Find a nonsexual Internet video, such as watching surgery, or something "gross." Said one guy, who strongly recommended this "gross" video, when you see something gross, you have no desire to do anything sexual.
• Give your pet a massage, rub down or grooming
• Install a porn blocker on your computer
• Write all of your experiences down as they happen
• Isolate the trigger for your relapse, and figure out ways to get around it in the future. For example, rehearse what you will do the next time that trigger shows up. "The next time an arousing erotic image pops up in a music video, I will close it and take a 10-minute break from my computer."
• Experiment with one of the rewiring tools
• Get up and go away from your computer. Now. Take a walk. Hang out at a Starbucks. Do something.
• Whatever happens happens, but do not beat yourself up
• What you should be paying attention to in the long run is to see if you are progressing. The worst thing you can do is to get depressed after a relapse and binge on it, thinking "Oh well, I failed, it doesn't matter anymore". It matters, and don't ever fantasize on porn, it's a certain road to relapse. When the urges come, just tell yourself a loud "NO!" (even say it aloud, ha ha) and start thinking/doing something else.
• Stand upright, with a good posture, hands at your side. Now looking straight up, really bending your neck (of course no strain here, just look directly on the ceiling above you). Now stand on one foot and close your eyes. Hold this for a minute or so. That sounds a little bit weird, maybe, but it offers some obvious benefits (at least for me):a) enhanced balance/coordination and therefore enhanced athleticismb) you can’t help, but stay in the moment (especially kinaesthetic awareness), so absolutely no room for cravings/porn thoughtsc) transfer meaning: struggle for balance (in your body and your brain), feeling, that you can struggle without falling, feeling of control

Note: Internet porn is a superstimulus—like nothing our ancestors' brains ever encountered. If you feel out of control, rather than looking at porn, try masturbating/orgasming without porn (or porn fantasy...which activates the same brain pathways). (If you can't climax easily without porn and/or vigorous friction, then your horniness is not true libido; it's your "addict brain" screaming nonsense. Do your best to distract yourself using the ideas above.)

The less intense the initial stimulation (no Internet porn) the less intense the fallout over the days following masturbation. Progress comes down to managing your neurochemistry.

Remember, you are not a bad person just because a primitive part of your brain grabs the neurochemical rush of endless, novel, synthetic stimulation now available on the Internet. This result is just a fluke of our current environment clashing with the way our brains evolved. So even on bad days, be very gentle with yourself.

Keep in mind that the content of the things you viewed is immaterial to the primitive part of your brain. It is just looking for a neurochemical fix—which unfortunately only makes your state of mind worse, after the immediate relief. Bad feelings drive people to self-medicate, so try not to spend any more time feeling bad.

You can't pound this ancient part your brain into submission. It's too big a part of your gut-level decision-making in daily life. When you want one thing and it strongly wants something else, pounding leads to intense inner conflict. As one guy said,

I've noticed that the slip ups can be a common occurrence, but they start to be spread further and further apart from each other. Like I used to think that 5 days was a big deal and then 6 and 11 and now I can envision myself going months and maybe years. So stay strong, chin up, and remember there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Instead, you have to gently coax your limbic system by indirectly—by staying away from superstimuli to the extent possible and watching the gradual improvements—or setbacks after you try the reverse experiment. Setbacks can teach you as much as successes. Detours don't matter as long as you get your inner GPS working right.

You can also reduce inner conflict by steering for those things that help regulate mood: exercise, friendly interaction, time in nature, meditation, etc. These quiet the screams (cravings), making it easier to steer for your chosen goals. As balance returns, inner conflict eases.

And, if you relapsed, ask yourself if you are being overly self-critical. Remember you’re only human. Everyone struggles with willpower challenges and everyone sometimes loses control. Can you think of other people you respect and care about who have experienced similar struggles and setbacks? This perspective can soften the voice of self-doubt. What would you say to a friend? Consider how you would comfort a friend who experienced the same setback. This perspective will point the way to getting back on track.

There is a serious learning curve to this rebooting process. For example, I never connected the dots between feeling insecure and worthless, and withdrawals. I never understood that I would MO out of feeling bad about myself. I also never would have realized that I still had to learn how to connect with women, and that I was afraid of being vulnerable. I learn something each time, and each new attempt I go in with a different perspective. You simply can't take it all in at once.

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