- Rebooting Basics
- Tools for Change
- Porn FAQs
- ED & Porn
- Gary's Page
Submitted by Gary Wilson on Sat, 12/04/2010 - 12:46
YourBrainOnPorn.com does not have a "porn recovery program." We simply pass along suggestions by men who have recovered from Internet porn addiction and porn-induced ED. If you are looking for a set of rules you will not find them - other than: "No artificial sexual stimulation during your reboot." By artificial I mean pixels, audio and literature. If it's not real life, just say 'no.'
I really encourage you to pick and choose what works for you. Please do not get caught up in, "Am I doing this right?" The goal of rebooting is to discover what you are like without porn in your life.
- You will find numerous rebooting accounts here, and many links to accounts of porn-induced ED and recovery on the ED-FAQ page.
- See Porn FAQs for answers to nearly any question you can think of.
- See Tools For Change for tips on overcoming a porn addiction.
- See Rebooting Advice & Observations for pages of tips, advice, and motivation from those who have been there
"It's amazing what you learn doing this. I think I now fully understand the saying that 'knowledge is power.' Once you know how something works and how it affects you, it's much easier to muster the willpower to make a change if you so wish."—Recovering porn user
People arrive here with with lots of different symptoms, which they're not always sure are due to their heavy porn use. Confusion is understandable because the symptoms look so different. (Also see What are the symptoms of excessive porn use?) For example,
- copulatory impotence (can get it up for porn, but not partners)
- growing erectile dysfunction, even with extreme porn.
- frequent masturbation, little satisfaction ("feeling like a lust-ball all day")
- morphing porn tastes that don't match sexual orientation (HOCD)
- severe, worsening social anxiety
- fatigue, irritability
- lack of motivation, depression, anxiety,
- inability to concentrate, brain fog
- distress about escalation to more extreme porn
It's important to realize that addictions alter the functioning and chemistry of the brain's reward circuitry. The reward circuitry is home to evolutionarily ancient centers responsible for influencing or controlling all bodily functions, perceptions, moods, emotions, drives, urges, learning, memory, and of course - libido and erections. Your autonomic nervous system and most major hormones are controlled through reward circuitry structures and chemicals. Additionally, nearly all emotional and mental disorders arise from imbalances in these same structures and neural pathways.
It's no wonder so many differing symptoms can arise from a reward circuitry altered by porn addiction. Although very complex alterations in brain structure and functioning occur in all addictions, the following three categories comprise many of the major changes:
- A numbed pleasure response (desensitization of your reward circuitry)
- Formation of addiction pathways (sensitization)
- Inhibition of executive control and decision making (hypofrontality)
- See desensitization for a deeper understanding of a numbed pleasure response
- See Unwiring & Rewiring Your Brain to understand sensitization, hypofrontality, and suggestions for addressing both.
- Porn-induced conditions, or the benefits reported by rebooters, have nothing to do with blood testosterone levels (See- Any connection between orgasm, abstinence, and testosterone levels?).
If an addiction is underlying your symptoms, you need to reverse the process by giving your brain a well deserved time-out. Rebooting is our term for recovering from porn addiction and associated symptoms, including erectile dysfunction. We call it rebooting so you can envision restoring your brain to its original factory settings. Obviously, you cannot go back in time to restore point, or erase all the data as you would when you wipe clean a computer’s hard drive. However, you can heal many of the brain changes that lead to your porn addiction. (See: Does porn addiction cause irreversible damage to the brain?)
The quickest way to reboot is to give your brain a rest from artificial sexual stimulation—porn, porn fantasy and for some - masturbation and orgasm. Most guys eliminate or drastically reduce orgasms during their reboot period. On the other hand, sensual contact with a real person can be beneficial, as long as you don't fantasize about porn. In fact, some guys engage in gentle intercourse, in which they avoid getting close to the edge or orgasming.
If porn is the addiction, you may wonder why it helps to eliminate masturbation and orgasm during the temporary rebooting period. The short answer is -"that's how most guys have done it." All suggestions for rebooting come from men who have successfully rebooted. Nearly all discovered that mixing in masturbation or orgasms slows, or in some cases, entirely derails, the rebooting process, especially if you have porn-induced ED.
To our surprise, very few men successfully recover from porn-induced ED while continuing a regular masturbation/orgasm schedule (see - Porn & ED). The few who continue to have orgasms, and successfully recover from porn-induced ED, are men who didn't start early on Internet porn. Most are in their late 30's to early 50's, and have a significant other. This doesn't mean that you will never recover if you continue to masturbate, orgasm or relapse into porn. In fact, most guys "relapse" back into porn use during their reboot.
It's very confusing at first because the process is nonlinear, and each brain recovers differently. Some people have intermittent cravings and flatline periods. Some have their worst cravings in the first two weeks. Some feel good for a short time and then go into a more challenging period. Some feel horribly anxious. Some feel *less* anxious overall, but also have sluggish libido for weeks. Others don't find out their libido was recovered until they get with a real partner after several months.
Again: Some guys with ED can get away with orgasms, although they drastically reduce the frequency. Those men are almost always older men who did not start with Internet porn. They wired their sexuality to the real deal before diving into the Internet. Most have a significant other in the picture.
"To masturbate, or not to masturbate, that is the question"
As stated, we have only two "rules': 1) Stop using artificial sexual stimuli, and 2) Do what works for you. Many guys have discovered it is helpful to eliminate or drastically reduce masturbation/orgasm during a reboot. (See these threads on whether to masturbate or not and the pros & cons of masturbating, and this thread by a nofapper who thinks no masturbation is too restrictive).
Possible reasons to drastically reduce or eliminate masturbation during a reboot:
- If you have porn-induced ED, your brain is saying: "I can't do this anymore". Understand that your urge to masturbate is not true libido - you are addicted to porn, or your sexuality is conditioned to pixels. If you need porn to masturbate, or have a partially erect penis when you do, you are not horny or in need of "release". You are addicted and in need of a temporary dopamine high.
- The majority of men with porn-induced ED need to drastically reduce masturbation and orgasm. When you have a pathology, you usually need to do more than just eliminate the cause - in this case porn use. You don't generally break a leg by putting weight on it. However, once it's broken you have to cast it, use crutches and eliminate walking while you heal. Same goes for porn-induced ED. You don't have to wear a cast, but you need to give your brain time to heal, free of intense sexual stimulation.
- Masturbation and porn use are tightly wired together. Like Pavlov's dog that salivated when it heard the bell, you will start drooling for porn when masturbating. Time is needed to weaken the neural connections intertwining wanking and watching.
- Recovery may be easier without masturbation/orgasm. Remove masturbation/orgasm from the equation and most guys experience a sharp decline in sexual desire, we call the flatline. (See: "HELP! I quit porn, but my potency, genital size, and libido are decreasing")
- When you also eliminate orgasm/masturbation, not just porn, it seems to precipitate a more complete and deeper withdrawal, and thus healing.
- Masturbation and orgasm strongly reactivate cravings to use porn. It has been surprising to witness that most men have an easier time eliminating masturbation than they do porn. For most guys with porn addiction, masturbation is simply not that interesting without porn, and they are amazed to discover that porn, not their libido, was driving their constant search for relief.
- Caveat: All the above is based on the current feedback given to us by successful rebooters. It is subject to change.
- Caveat 2: Some guys with porn-induced ED need to orgasm in order to jump-start their brains after a reboot or extended flatline
- Masturbation is NOT a relapse, but intentional porn use is a relapse (I don't like the word relapse).
This is NOT an anti-masturbation website. I need to shout this, because I've read this nonsense on many forums, where debates over Internet porn degrade into masturbation debates. The name of this site is "Your Brain On Porn." Confusion occurs because 1) this generation sees masturbation and porn use as synonymous, and 2) men who recover from ED do so best by also eliminating masturbation/orgasm.
Temporarily eliminating masturbation, or reducing your frequency, is all about recovering from an addiction and porn-induced ED - nothing else. We do not advocate abstinence as a permanent lifestyle. A few comments from guys:
"It's remarkable how common it is for MO (masturbation to orgasm) to lead to PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) in fairly short order. It becomes obvious real quick why most people should abstain from MO during the "reboot" period—something which didn't even occur to me before I came to this site, but now seems obvious."
"Abstain from masturbation for as long as possible. I went cold turkey on everything and I strongly feel it accelerated the recovery process."
"I can tell you that masturbating doesn't have the bad cravings that PMOing does. You also cannot do it for hours on end."
"I could really tell that no PMO [porn, masturbation, orgasm] is a far more powerful reboot tool then just no masturbation. The difference is huge! I was so happy when my morning wood started to return after the first week. I'm definitely going to keep on continuing the abstinence streak. My normal masturbation schedule would be a minimum of once to 5 times a day with porn. During the first part of the reboot I managed to go 4 days without masturbation. Now I've gone 3 weeks without, and I had an orgasm without porn."
If temporarily reducing or eliminating masturbation seems a bit weird, you may want to read the following articles.
- WEIRD Masturbation Habits
- Rethinking the Wonders of Adult Masturbation
- Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause A Hangover?
Although there is nothing wrong with masturbation, it may not be the all-around health panacea touted by the media. Nor is masturbation comparable to sexual intercourse, as not all sex is created equal. Moderation may be the key - as it is for most things in life. From The Archives of Sexual Behavior - The Relative Health Benefits of Different Sexual Activities. Journal of Sexual Medicine (2010)
"What do I do if I can't quit masturbating," or "I have a girlfriend/wife/partner?"
Relax. The last thing you want to do is to become so "anal" that you never attempt to give up porn. Check out this thread on The Orgasm Reboot, and this thread on a cult being developed around masturbation being unhealthy. The take away from both threads is that guys quit trying because they think they believe that rebooting is all or none: "If you masturbate you have failed". Complete nonsense.
Apply black & white thinking to your porn use, but not to masturbation or sex with your mate. Porn is the problem. Porn use is what altered your brain and caused your sexual dysfunction or ED. If quitting porn is all you can handle, then simply stop using porn and gauge the results.
As stated, sexual stimulation with a partner can be a good thing, although orgasm can cause cravings, and may slow ED recovery. In fact, fooling around with your partner is great as it wires you to the real deal. Some guys suggest gentle intercourse with no ejaculation, while others mix in ejaculation. If you have ED and decide to regularly orgasm, do no compare yourself to rebooting accounts where guys abstained from orgasm.
If you are trying to reboot and have a partner see the following FAQs:
How long should I reboot?
Many websites that link to YBOP say we suggest 60 days, or 90 days, or 8 weeks, etc. We don't have a program or a set amount of days, as the time is completely dependent on the severity of your addiction, how your brain responds, and your goals. Time frames found in rebooting accounts are all over the place because brains are different, and some men have porn-induced ED. The men who reboot reverse porn-induced ED use their erectile health as a barometer (see: How long will it take to recover from Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction? ).
Guys without ED must use other benchmarks (see: How do I know when I'm back to normal?). It's not uncommon for younger men to experience improvements long after the end of their rebooting phase. Think of a reboot as discovering what's you and what was porn related - whether it be ED, social anxiety, raging sex drive, ADD, depression, etc. Once you have a clear understanding of how you were affected by porn, you can steer your own ship.
I think every guy undertaking this journey should read this post by the creator of YourBrainRebalanced.com: The Top 3 FATAL MISTAKES Rebooters Make
What's allowed during a reboot?
This is probably the number one question we are asked, other than "How long will it take for my ED to be fixed"? Again, we have no program, only insights from men who have recovered. If your only goal is to unhook from porn, then stopping porn may be enough. That said, most men eliminate all artificial sexual stimuli and masturbation/orgasm (if you have a partner see the above links). Some have to eliminate sexual fantasy as well.
It's important to understand that recovery is not about porn per se. It's about reversing dopamine dysregulation and addiction. Your reward circuitry knows exactly what cocaine is, but has no idea as to what porn is. For behavioral addictions such as Internet porn and gambling, your reward circuitry only knows squirts of dopamine. For example, the lesbian porn that jacked-up your dopamine last month may no longer give you a buzz today. Now you need transsexual porn. As odd as this may sound, there's no such thing as (a definition of) porn. It all comes down to whether you are reactivating addiction pathways, and whether you are overstimulating your brain's already desensitized dopamine system.
We receive daily questions about what's "approved", or what's a "relapse", or whether X, Y, or Z, will slow someone's reboot. Such questions cannot be answered. A better question is, "What type of brain training leads to addictive changes in my brain, and am I repeating it?" Your fundamental problem is that you are hooked on artificial sexual stimuli, and need to make a change if you want to return to your normal sexual responsiveness. See Porn Then and Now: Welcome to Brain Training to understand this concept.
A short list of what it helps to avoid includes: (Also see this FAQ - What stimuli must I avoid during my reboot - Did I relapse?)
- Porn: all types. If you need to ask, then the answer is, 'bad move.' If it's not a real person, don't use it.
- Avoid behaviors that mimic YOUR porn addiction. Which usually means behaviors that substitute the synthetic and the two-dimensional for the real deal.
- Eliminating artificial or synthetic means don't engage in "cam to cam" or chat rooms.
- Surfing Facebook, YouTube, or dating sites for pictures and sexual stimuli is like an alcoholic switching to lite beer.
- Fantasizing about porn is nearly the same as watching it, as you are activating your brain's addiction-related pathways.
- "What about fantasizing about real women?" See this FAQ for a full discussion: What about fantasizing during a reboot?
- Reading "erotic" stories counts as porn fantasy.
Right now some readers may be thinking: "Must I avoid all dopamine-producing activities?" Of course not! Quite the opposite. You want to replace your addiction with as much fun as possible, especially exercise, socializing, meditation, even touching and smooching. A few couples employ slow, gentle intercourse and avoid orgasm (see: Another Way to Make Love). Research shows that these activities actually help regulate your dopamine levels and your mood (unlike intense video games, TV, junk-food and so forth). The difference comes down to subtly different neurochemical effects that involve activation of the reward circuitry through oxytocin and opioids. When in doubt, steer for the kinds of activities your brain evolved to pursue, and which your ancestors regularly engaged in.
What is "allowed", and encouraged, is contact with a real-life partner. In fact, rewiring to the real deal may be a necessary step for some guys, as sexual conditioning, not addiction is the primary challenge. Kissing, touching, fooling around are all "allowed. For some guys, even intercourse with orgasm is beneficial (note - some men, especially those with porn-induced ED employ gentle intercourse without orgasm to start). Erections are great, but should not be forced through vigorous stimulation or fantasizing, as the goal is to rewire to real life sexual scenarios.
A related question often arises: "If too much dopamine caused the problem, won't dopamine producing activities desensitize my reward circuitry?" This question is too simplistic as addiction is far more than low dopamine signaling. Sexual conditioning, or sensitization, seems to play a larger role for porn-induced sexual dysfunctions in young men. But to answer the dopamine question: Dopamine levels produced by old-fashioned natural rewards should be OK. In fact, guys have recovered from porn-induced ED while taking prescription medicines such as antidepressants, ADD drugs, and anti-anxiety meds. A few have recovered while regularly using pot or alcohol, though they seem to report more relapses. Some guys think that replacing Internet porn with hours of video gaming or mindless surfing may have slowed down their rebooting process. Who knows? Certainly, Internet addiction does exist. See: Recent Internet Addiction Brain Studies Include Porn
The process of rebooting
Obviously, this process is very difficult at first. Your brain is still seeking to rely on the artificially intense "fix" of neurochemicals associated with heavy porn use. It has strengthened the neuronal connections that link your distress with the short-term relief of Internet porn—and with any other cue it associates with porn, such as being home alone, seeing a sexy image, anxiety, arousal and so forth.
The only way to weaken this subconscious link is to stop using (reinforcing) that brain pathway, and seek your mood medicine elsewhere. Gradually, the neuronal connections to porn and porn fantasy weaken. We call this "unwiring & rewiring," and you will find that many of the tools here can help with that.
One guy described the process this way:
"When you remove a source of pleasure from the brain, it is like taking away the leg of a table. The whole thing becomes rocky and unstable. The brain really has two options: one, to make you hurt like hell in every way it can think of to 'encourage' you to put the table leg back again, or two, to accept that the table leg is really gone, and figure out how to re-balance without it. Of course, it tries Option One first. Then, after a while, it starts to get to work on Option Two, all while still pushing Option One in the meantime. Eventually, it seems like the brain re-balances, giving up on Option One, and fully succeeding at Option Two."
Rebooting not only stops activating the old pathway, it also helps return your brain to normal sensitivity. Remember: Numbed brains are desperate for stimulation. This is why your free will lies in restoring normal brain sensitivity. Said another guy:
Something I think helps: set an amount of time to reboot and stick to it. You will maybe feel depressed, anxious, annoyed, frustrated, start doubting if it "works", etc etc etc etc. It's normal. It's your brain wanting its feeding. Accept you will feel like it and keep going. Just keep saying to yourself: "I will do this for this amount of time and in the end I will see, at least I will be sure if this works or not. If I wanna screw up again after that, 3 months of my life won't kill me".
Take one day at a time and do other stuff. See what are the worst periods when it is harder to resist and do something about it right now, plan ahead. You are an addict so it's not JUST about will power, you have to make sure you have the right environment to do this. And you have the power to do this if you really want it, if for nothing else, at least for your girlfriend.
After about 2 months it gets really easier, and after 3, the urges are nothing but thoughts that pop up now and then, which you can easily block. More like habits you broke and which will take longer to forget, but no longer urges per se. No more need, craving, no more HAVE TO DO THIS. For me it was so.
You may feel huge changes even after just a couple of weeks, but don't let them fool you. You are addicted. You can't take one more drink, you will want to binge. You know this is true as you lived it yourself. Trust the process for an amount of time and you will be very very happy for it.
Needless to say, rebooting is only a critical first step, not a permanent cure. Human brains are vulnerable, and some more than others. If you're here, chances are your brain will always be somewhat vulnerable to supernormal stimulation. Too much of any intense stimulus can lead to a downward spiral. Moreover, your brain now has a strong porn pathway, which will always be easy to reactivate. Rebooting doesn't guarantee you can safely use Internet porn in the future. Moreover, sex is, perhaps, the most fundamental human drive. So your brain evolved to jump on, and wire up, sexual cues in ways that it didn't for, say, gaming or drugs. This is another reason why future porn use is problematic.
It took me 1 try to get to 1 month (where I am now). I first read/watched the materials here diligently. I spent about 2 weeks gathering knowledge, clarifying my motivations (revulsion and hope), planning how I would navigate rebooting. I also apply my experience from quit-smoking, wherein a 'slip' usually guarantees a full-blown relapse. I wonder if many dudes stumble on YBOP and quit PMO the next day with little preparation but a plan to be tough, and then relapse and don't see the results they want.
Once you've rebooted, masturbation without porn fantasy, based on real potential partners and realistic scenarios, is less problematic (and increasingly enjoyable). If frequency begins to escalate and you notice signs of desensitization, you can always reboot again. Sex with a partner offers even more soothing satisfaction.
Key point: If you choose not to masturbate during your reboot, there may come a point where you may need to start rewiring your brain to sexual touch, and masturbation. When it comes to abstinence, longer may not be better. See - Started on Internet porn and my reboot (Erectile Dysfunction) is taking too long
Recovery is non-linear (repeat this several times)
"You must have long range goals to keep you from being frustrated by short range failures." — Charles C. Noble
When you begin the reboot you may feel rotten...for weeks. Cravings and anxiety about all kinds of things may be intense, or paradoxically, your libido could "flatline" for a while, and it may be a couple of months before it bounces back. "Testing" with porn to make sure you're still functional tends to increase the time needed to reboot, so you have to brave The Void of not knowing how you're doing—or risk slowing your progress.
That said, people usually start experiencing good days, too, after a couple of weeks—especially if they use the other Tools to produce good feelings in new ways. But progress is not linear, and good days can be followed by miserable days. Miserable days can also precede excellent days.
It's almost as if there's a pendulum deep in the brain, which frequent, intense stimulation has anchored at one extreme. When you stop using Internet porn, the pendulum swings back and forth before settling in the middle. The process is disconcerting because the neurochemical fluctuations affect your mood, your perception of your life, your ability to socialize with others and even, possibly, your sexual responsiveness. Be patient and the situation will stabilize.
"Some tumultuous events happened in my family when I was in junior high, which was around the same time I first discovered a porn magazine. I think something snapped. I just stopped trying. I stopped caring. And I started to let my sexual impulses totally sabotage me for the next 20 years. Right now, I feel like I'm getting back that old junior-high self. I feel like I'm picking up where I left off and finally becoming who I was to become had I not lost my way: a disciplined, kind, intelligent, respectable, hard-working, strong, caring, gentleman."
Finally, try not to get too rigid. Be gentle with yourself. Rebooting is a funny thing. The people who do it the most smoothly keep a sense of humor, accept their humanness, love sex, respect their sexuality, and gradually steer themselves into a new groove. They don't bludgeon themselves, or threaten themselves with doom. Sex is a very fundamental drive. It's best to ease your way through this shift, to forgive yourself if you slip, try again, and so forth.
Bottom line: Rebooting requires a big commitment and a lot of courage. Is it for you? Read the stories of men who have used this method: Rebooting Accounts.