What do I say to my mate?

Said a friend, who discovered that her otherwise upstanding husband had begun using risky Internet pornography in his seventies:

Women need to deal with their feelings of anger, disgust and rejection. In my case, and I am certain I am not alone in this experience, it is the denial, counter-accusation and lying that fuel my fury.

Is it really that hard or impossible for a man to say to his woman something like:

• I feel sorry. I understand your feelings.
• I realize I was on the wrong path. I will stop it.
• I honor and love you, and I will contribute whatever I can to heal our relationship.

In my case, that would help to create some kind of a connection.

However, your mate needs to understand that rebooting and rewiring your brain will take time and support. It will also take time and your support to heal her hurt feelings and restore the trust between you. (Read Love You, Hate the Porn for a road map to this process by a man who has been a marriage therapist for years.)

Encourage your mate to use the resources at this site to understand that stopping porn is not necessarily a simple matter of willpower. Someone who has never been hooked cannot understand this without education. Here's what I explained to a woman who was not against porn, but couldn't understand why her partner was masturbating before and after their time together to "satisfy himself sexually":

The first thing to understand is that the porn is not satisfying him...either. For the moment, he cannot be sexually satisfied, because this is not about sex. It's an addiction. Is an obese person eating because she is hungry? Cravings are not hunger or libido. They're cravings born of low dopamine in the brain.

Internet porn is more akin to video games than it is sex. It’s all about getting constant dopamine fixes, and his most reliable source is now porn. In other words, this has nothing to do with you. His brain has changed, which leads to the inability to control use - the hallmark of all addictions.  Have you watched my video series that explains all this? It should give both of you comfort to understand what's happening in the brain.

So to answer your question, "Shouldn't a happy, sex-rich, relationship make porn use unnecessary?" Absolutely not. No more than it will prevent smoking, overeating, or any other addiction. This has nothing to do with "sexual satisfaction," because an addiction is defined as the inability to experience normal satisfaction. It's likely he started long before you arrived, as most boys are now starting at ages 11-12.

 I strongly disagree with your premise that "Porn should be a substitute for sex." All young boys are now rewiring their brains to hyperstimulating, constantly novel, porn in an effort to "substitute for sex," and many are finding real partners are not arousing.

 If he wants to stop have him visit our site, and start with Tools for Change, and have him watch the videos, and read Rebooting Accounts.

Here's one man's account of explain his porn addiction to his wife:

Yesterday, I told my wife the whole thing. It went very well. It just happened by itself, kind of. It happened to be her birthday. I know this sounds brutal. Like "Happy birthday, darling. By the way, I'm a porn addict" but it wasn't like that. And afterwards she said to me that telling her was the best birthday gift I could have given her. It started as a usual nice birthday, with gifts, hugs and kisses from me. Really nice. I then went to work and when I was back we decided to go to the movies. The one she wanted to see was "Shame".. of all movies.  I had told her about that movie a while ago. That it was about sex addiction and that I wanted to watch it some time. I guess I wanted her to learn more about the subject, so that it would be easier to tell her sooner or later.

I was a bit concerned that seeing that movie might trigger a porn relapse or masturbation but I decided to take the risk, because I wanted to have a discussion about it. One possibly leading to a confession. Anyway, the movie didn't trigger a relapse. There was sex and nudity, alright but I didn't get horny. To be honest, I feel a slight urge today because of it, so it was a crazy thing to do, but it won't make me relapse. Besides, the movie made me tell everything to my wife. I'm glad I did that, so it was worth it. As for the film, I think it was good. Sad, of course, but I think they tried to present that addiction in a realistic way. I don't know what an expert would say about it... it'd be interesting to hear. I guess sex addiction and internet porn addiction are different things, but I could recognize myself in some parts of the movie. Mostly in that feeling of emptiness, numbness and isolation. And of course the porn surfing, the porn stash and so on. It was unpleasant to see but important, too, I think.

After the movie we started a discussion about it. I guess my strong interest in the subject made her wonder a bit, so at some point she asked me whether I had had had any experiences with such an addiction in the past. And then I just told her the whole thing. Everything. Also about yourbrainonporn.com. What I have learned about the addiction and so on. I also recommended her to watch that six-part series (which she did today). It took us several hours to talk all this over of course, but it was a good, calm discussion.

She always thinks before she speaks and she knows a lot about psychology, so she didn't get angry. Of course it was a shock to her but she has had a rough life and is a very strong person. She has got no illusions about anything but she is able to enjoy life a lot anyway, which I admire her for. Anyway, instead of getting emotional, she asked me a lot of questions about everything and I answered them all honestly. I must have said "I'm sorry" a million times that evening, and I meant it, but she didn't even want me to apologize or anything, because she understood. She even said she's proud of me because I told her and because I decided to get out of this. Which makes me very lucky, I know. I told her I wasn't worried that she might not understand but that she might lose her respect for me. She said she won't. My own self-respect is somewhere in the garbage because of all this. I feel like a selfish asshole who has got a wonderful wife that I don't deserve. Pardon my french. I know, addiction is something you slip into without being aware of it, but at the end of the day I have that guilty feeling.

She was a bit angry about those "phases when I just didn't feel like sex". Because in truth I was watching porn and masturbating a lot in those heavy phases. I just couldn't have real sex. It was hard for her not to have sex for several weeks and she was frustrated over my lying to her. And it was a lie, no doubt about it. But my head was a mess at that time. I was addicted and I didn't fully understand it. And I couldn't talk about it. I told her this. Not as a justification but it was just what was going on. Anyway she felt relieved after the discussion because many things suddenly made sense to her. I am relieved, too, because finally there's nothing to conceal anymore and that gives me even more motivation for my reboot. Like I said, I feel guilty about having screwed up in the past but it feels great to do the right thing now.

As far as sex is concerned, she knows that it might be better not to have any for a while in order to make it easier to recover. She treats me with a lot of affection and says we'll do whatever it takes to help me get rid of the addiction. I know it would be hard for her without sex for such a long time and I'm not sure it's necessary. I guess we'll just give it a very careful try sooner or later and see what happens.

Women want to understand what's going on, and it can really relieve their minds:

I eat healthy, exercise regularly and absolutely love sex! Over a year ago, the sex with my boyfriend dropped off dramatically. We went from 3-5 times a week to  once or twice a month at best. The passion from him is completely gone. I have to initiate and he definitely struggles to get hard then keep it up. I spent lots of money on lingerie and sexy clothes. Didn't push him on it for fear of making it worse.

He admits to watching internet porn occasionally. I checked his computer history, and he is viewing porn several times a day every day. I know it is bad to snoop, but
I was desperate. He denies watching that much porn and refuses to discuss the issue.

Until reading this material, I assumed I was no longer desirable. It had to somehow be my fault. Even though, I am in excellent shape was considering plastic surgery. I'm heartbroken that I have the same amount of solo sex as when I was single. I love him but lost as to a solution. At least, this gives me insight.

As you restore your brain to balance, strengthen the trust between you with daily bonding behaviors.