131 days - I've seen my painful past for what it is. I only see it getting easier.
Everything I ever worried about... slipping away forever. This is what it's all about.
Quitting pointed me more to my other major insecurity. Turns out mine was dental. I have a few gaps and I think they make me look goofy and disgusting. The thought creates awkwardness, and I withdraw, into depression, fixation or excess. Looking back I see that my teeth were dogged a lot. If and when another human being said something about my mouth, it was that my breath stank, my teeth were yellow and I was snaggletoothed.
"Wigga, I can drive a truck through that gap!" "Yo Bref STANK!" "I don't mean to be mean but you need some Listerine. Not a sip, not a swallow, the whole damned bottle." "Yo teef so yellow you smiled up at the sun and it turned around with a face and said WASSUP BROTHA??"
And that happened all through my childhood. I remember my mother, who was only granted brief visitation every snowy day in south Texas made a comment on how bad they were. THIS, ladies and gentlemen is where my "issues" in life really started to take form. But I was young and my dad was never around; and I never thought to talk to any other adult present, because MY family doesn't do that. Everything with them has to be a secret. There are no open lines of communication, because there is never anyone who says,
"here's the key, whenever you need me I'm here..."
Anyway... My self esteem plummeted every time I would catch fire about my grill. And My family is just a bunch of actors... We lie without saying a word. So I pushed the feelings down (very strong pun- think chakra) and I kept moving. It didn't slow me down at that moment. But If I was a car, talking would be the oil in my engine that lubricates my powerful mind and emotions, that was the most important aspect of the growth stage. People may have been intentionally being demons. Others wanted to teach me to preen. When it was done I ended up leaking. First I started being an A$$hole in my Kindergarten class (yes I remember every word of it). I started getting into fights, same year, still turning further inward. An older male that I somewhat looked up to noticed my darkness and decided to show me my first porno film. I watched the VHS repeatedly while I was alone. I then started being shown porn mags by my peers, I guess when you cross any line people can sense it. A steady drip would lead me to seize in shock! I got some brand new headlamps, 20 inch rims, a new body kit... but never any real maintenance. And that's why I lost myself. Hell, I can argue that I never had myself. I was too busy feeling f%&ked up about the next insult I would get.
I swear it only got worse. 3 years ago I swore that I went insane... SNAPPED. Anxiety... But it was the result of ignoring the initial problem; and from there, I was in a way still demanding life to be the way that it would have been had I gotten these things taken care of in the past. I created an illusion. I buried myself in excess of video games, sports, movie nights and pornography, gangster rap music and anger for my parents and siblings. Trust, that is enough to keep anyone fully submerged. I forgot all about my damned teeth. Thank mother earth for my opportunity to abuse MJ as an adolescent. That was what shattered the mirror. I've heard many things about it. But among the most interesting is that using doesn't create new psychological problems, it just highlights ones that you already have. For me, it's one of those truths that makes you want to scream and cry for joy. Feels good... then sad. :) That's what happened. I used at least 3 times a week for a year, then I realized that I was using every chance I got. The "nervous breakdown" happened when I was purchasing my own stash. Of course I was using every day at that point. I used to complain about the details that came with the change. Nothing was the same. I'm glad though, because if nothing ever changed I wouldn't have either... I knew the road I was heading down. I never could have admitted it to myself at the time though. I would have been unhappy. Doomed to repeat the life of a baby daddy to 30 women, a man whore.
I wanted to die SOOO OFTEN after that. My life was a nightmare. I couldn't scratch my neck without somehow tripping the panic button.
After a couple of weeks of waking up in a frenzy I started to use GOOGLE for EVERYTHING, trying to put into words what I was feeling so I could fix it. I just knew something was very wrong. And the more people said "there's nothing wrong with you, you're fine" Or some variation of that message that I'm just trippin, the more I search. I was ADVANCE searching! I decided,
"okay I have social anxiety. So, how do I get rid of it!?"
I started researching that. In a few days I was walking into grocery stores, parks, parties and sporting events all with the intention to talk to as many unfamiliars as possible. I don't know where I got it from; but I was a fighter! I told myself, "I'm gonna BEAT THIS SHlT! You can fix other things about you, but in the end you will plateau because that wasn't the most important thing for the stage you're at in life. Keep looking. I tried antidepressives for half a year, felt the change but I knew something still wasn't right. Found research about inner ear dysfunction because I was waking up falling over and felt OFF walking around, like I could fall very easy if I wasn't very attentive to how I was walking (this stuff is real people, I was off the grass and I didn't drink! This is what my body/ mind was doing to get its point across!).
Went to see an ENT, he said my ears are fine.
I got some poor man's insurance and started getting cavities filled. Then I started to get each of my wisdom teeth pulled. One tooth per visit no matter the procedure. That sucked!
Then I got some REAL money and went to see the big boys. I got an exam and was shown my x-rays. And BAM, gum disease and bone loss due to gum disease. BAD BREATH?! No SH%T Sherlock! I was shocked and ashamed. But I was determined to pursue these problems. Got a full treatment plan. Cleanings, fillings, 2 crowns, DEEP cleaning and gum therapy... It changed my life. You won't EVER catch me with my breath smelling anything but fresh or neutral. I don't play that junk. Not any more. I spent over $5K on my mouth to clean it up. There IS no going back for me. Next I'm getting good insurance and goin ORTHO baby. And when these gaps get closed... ahhh I can feel it. I can feel it for a short moment... what life will feel like without this one major insecurity. Quitting porn was the last thing I needed to do in the beginning; but I will be just fine working backwards.
My father used to see me all shaky and confused and with his condescending cold tone he would ask,
"What are you running from?"
It would piss me off.
My fellow Fapstronauts... here is to you shining light on your ugliest demons and striking them down with the blade of truth! PEOPLE, you don't have to run anymore!!! Turn around!!! And face it head OOONNN!!!
NO porn, No fapping, no regrets.
INITIAL POST - I stopped counting after day 5.
Tehe. No fap is so fun. I know that I am at the two month mark. And add a few days to that because I quit a couple of weeks before I first signed in. Who cares. I don't ever want to fap again. I have enough reasons to choose otherwise, being with a woman, man. The ride is nice. During one of the times where I was intentionally ignoring a woman bending over showing her underwear I saw two men having a conversation standing very close. Their faces were 12inches apart at most. I can't recall ever seeing anyone other than intimate couples do that. It taught me a lot. I figured out that my anxiety was due to my unconscious need to distance myself from people when I was speaking to them. Habitually talking to people from distances creates tension in my body. It's the same as holding everything in. It feels unnatural. And when I feel this way I start thinking in circles at high speeds and give myself room for doubts. Then I sweat, anxiously. It sucks. I also figured out why I distanced myself from people. It was my breath and the overall presentation of my teeth. Mostly my breath. But in order to promote intimacy and trust I will have to get close and be comfortable there too. When I saw the two men talking I swore that my breath would have to be MINTY fresh before I would even consider speaking so close to someone's face. I also worry about the bit of spit that comes out at the perfect inopportune moment, just as things are getting good. Whenever it happens I cover my smile with my hand, say excuse me and I continue on. It is still embarrassing though. To make my way around these social road blocks and I am brushing and flossing after every meal (unless the foods are acidic in which case I will wait no longer than 30 minutes, this is to allow the enzymes in my saliva to break the acids down so that I am not stirring them into my enamel with the toothbrush and thus sort of defeating the purpose of brushing my teeth in the healthy sense). Mouthwash is a must too. I think I will start chewing sugar free gum, but I don't like to be restricted and there is the chance that it may fall out of my mouth. I'll figure it out. And as for the social showers, I will keeping those away by keeping exceptionally hydrated.
Other things that I have noticed while flying in a NoFap zone are: +More determination to learn from mistakes, which include -Allowing other people to dictate my actions with dominance (oooh, no fap make me hate dat sheeee!!!) +More awareness of who is watching, when someone is watching... -People still almost always turn away from me though. There is a lot of frustration here, I can't seem to pin point any valuable movement (social cues either) that will alert me of when I am making contact with someone who will in turn maintain it. I am so used to people looking at me and then looking away if they even THINK I am about to turn to face them that when I do make eyes with someone who wants further contact I impulsively look away. As if to say, I am used to people not wanting to talk to me. So I don't even try. Just thinking this now, but what if the quick look away means, "Yes, come talk with me..." ? I am not very confident with the use of punctuation sometimes. I also notice that sometimes my imagination gives the illusion that people were looking, are making movements and even SAYING that that they are not. I would like to gain control over this. No more boners, because I am not constantly chasing skirts. Less porn = less awareness of naked parts. Don't get me wrong, I get aroused quite easily; but with the absence of porn and lots o fappin I am less inclined to automated fantasizing, though I still do that from time to time.
I've got to end this. It is getting late and I have to set the trash and recycling out, tie up the dog, shower... I currently hate my job and I believe nofap has equipped me with the tools I needed to get hired as a medical assistant. Communication is key.
Many familiar smells are popping up here and there bringing back the memories that are attached to them. Good memories. I need to get out and get more of a social stripe. I want to say this site helped me save my life!