177 days - ED & HOCD, with a girlfriend's help
I post extremely infrequently and have been but a quiet observer of the things that have gone on in these forums, but after reaching my goal I feel compelled to share with you my experience with the worst and possible greatest challenge I will face for a long time to come. My goal was to have successful, non forced, non drug assisted sex with my GF, and in that I succeeded twice after a long 177 day wait.
So, to begin I started going solo since about the age of 12 and actually reached a pretty bad HOCD habit at about 15. I kept it extremely secret and never got caught ever. It added to the excitement by being sure to never be caught. It was taboo, but from everything I could see in life jerking it was clearly a positive thing. Hence this went on and on. I dated in HS, but frequently they were religious and had reservations about sexual activity so lets just say I doing nothing but batting practice to some pretty seedy things on the Internet. HOCD is a bitch and screws with your mind
Fast forward to a handful of time I failed to achieve anything close to enough of an erection to get the job done in college and you get one hell of a frustrated and confused man after that. I am quite healthy, work out a lot, and am not the worst looking guy in the world. Laughter is my saving grace, but these failed attempts made me anxious and I pulled back from trying much for a while. I still had a great time. I don't blame anything else on my habits. I was by no means doing it multiple times every day, but needless to say I couldn't get hard from literally anything after a while. I lived life though a few lies here and there, parties where I would just ditch girls unexpectedly, and pull back after things got too hot. Really kind of a shame, but it ended up being for the best.
Fast forward to my last year when I began being interested in my current GF. There were many extremely awkward nights, hurt feelings, really depressing evenings of me starring into a mirror sad as hell, but I literally stumbled upon an article about porn induced ED and from that day onward I threw everything I had at it. I grew the balls to tell her what was up with me... one of the harder things I have ever done in life. Hard... Haha, but in all reality it was the only way to make things right, and the best part is she stuck with me. Make sure they know it is you and not them. Repeat this many times, and mean it.
She judged me as a man not for my ability to screw anything with a skirt, but for the other aspects i had control over. I am a successful person in school and career wise now, but at the time none of that was set in stone. She empathized with my issue and we have used it to grow as a couple ever since. It is something I can never thank her enough for and I owe so much of my recovery to her. Not to say we didn't have our fun while this was all going on. Lets just say our mouths were plenty busy when we had the chance to see each other after I finished rebooting 90 days later.
I didn't find any issue with rebooting. I stopped cold turkey right away. I have extreme motivation when I can actually identify the problem. Having a goal like sleeping with the woman you love doesn't hurt. Forgot to mention, we admitted our love for each other roughly a month before I had to go long distance for work. So to those of you with long distance ladies fret not, you can get to where you want to be with skype, the occasional dirty text, and a general lack of physical contact from her. I feel that that is important to say. I'm not perfect, we would sext every now and again, share some lude pictures and so forth, but I am ready and kicking now.
Things I concluded; people tend to ball together low energy, low motivation, and general problems with life to this. I say that is a bit of a cop out, but to each there own. I have somehow managed to graduate with honors in engineering and get a job while this was all going on. I also managed to attract the opposite sex regardless. I think a majority of that is in our heads, but the placebo effect is strong enough that if you believe it hard enough you'll at least think you are less lazy. It did however make me focus on my health even more. I've put on muscle, changed my diet, and taken every measure possible to make sure this never happens to me again.
After the reboot I truly believe that resentization is a must Taking a few min every day to literally focus on nothing but the feeling on light and non goal oriented self touch is critical to the last leg of recovery. For a while there I was going nowhere, and I was one of those people who was past the 150 day mark. I felt like absolute hell because I thought i was doing everything right. Rebuilding those connections is important. Stay away from porn and focus on the sensation of it all.
Also, I did MO a handful of times in this time period. It is not the end of the world. How could it possibly undo everything? It slows you down, sure, but not much. just stay away from P and you'll get closer every day. If you have a lady friend I encourage you to ask them to "taunt" you for a while. Have them slowly massage you in the below the belt area and just absorb everything in. Feel as much as you can. I promise this is the last leg of the recovery that so many are missing. Just ignoring your junk is not way to take care of it.
There are some really shitty times ahead. I have been weeping on the floor a few times because of this. Trust me, I freaking get it. There is so much pressure to define manhood like this and to see ourselves as failures, but you know what? Taking all that time that i would have fruitlessly perused sex like an empty minded animal has given me some rewards. I used that time to study, I delayed my gratification which has rewarded me immensely. I am now in a loving and open relationship with spectacular communication. We started with mental compatibility, love, and a focus on being able to communicate what we want for sex. Any awkwardness about sex vanished with me revealing my issue to her. Everything became so open after that. We could non judgmentally connect to one another as i had come out with such a powerful challenge for us to face.
I have learned so much about what she feels, what she like, and I have become quite talented with the tongue and fingers. So screw feeling sorry for myself, i think this has given me a unique way to approach a relationship... Like a self induced chastity belt. Regardless, you can have a relationship with the right woman. I am sure there are some who will drop men like a bad habit if they cannot do the deed... Well they can go find somebody else, because that should not be the only focus of a healthy relationship. If they truly care for you they will understand and be willing to help. Help from a woman can make all the difference.
Fellas, stay away from the drugs. Trust me, I was sitting there starring at the screen looking at possible fake viagra on the Internet too. Don't go down that path. You don't need it, and your gonna feel like Lance Armstrong if you do. You want this victory to be yours, not a drug companies. You can do it, but you have to be strong enough to fight through the day ahead and get what is rightfully yours.
After so long, after 177 days of recovery, for no reason in particular I got to a point where i made that night the night. It wasn't spectacular, nor was it long lived, but that next morning on the other hand I buried this issue with a fucktactular morning of passion. Shit YEAH! Everyone's day will come to them in time, and until that day focus on the good, focus on improving yourself, and make sure to realize you are not defined by this issue. You are still in control of 99% of your body and 100% of your life. Don't let this cripple you, and do what a real man would do. Take life's challenges head on and never look back. I could sit here and regret the times i have missed out on, or keep my eyes forward on the next day.
Here is a link to me ranting about how much society is bashing on men. I am anyman. Worth a read. The article this guy wrote pissed me off.
Everyone can do this! Don't let setbacks distress you! Take time to enjoy life!
May the force be with you!
LINK TO HIS POST on YourBrainRebalanced