Age 33 - 180 Day Report: NoFap in Co-Op mode, NoOrgasm and Karezza
This is my 180 day report. In this period, my life and my relationship have both changed dramatically for the better. It's a tale about NoPorn (for ~190 days), NoFap (for ~180 days) and most importantly NoOrgasm (for 170 days).
Previously I would masturbate at least once a day, often with multiple ejaculations per session. I wasn't very healthy, and felt like crap most mornings -- as if I was hung-over. (I erroneously attributed this to growing old.) I'm also married and would also have regular, but somewhat unfulfilling, sex with my wife. In the space of a few weeks, I transitioned to not masturbating and then to having /r/karezza style intercourse with my wife without ejaculating or orgasming since.
I'll post details about the Karezza / tantric sex below, but here's my high-level take away from this experiment that has become a lifestyle for me. The benefits are on three levels:
- Not watching porn has helped me appreciate my wife so much more. When she gets dressed or undressed I'm all over her like a teenage boy. I miss her when she's not around and greet her passionately when we meet again. I've noticed that women around me pay more attention to me than before, and I feel more comfortable with my interactions in general as well.
- Not masturbating has benefited my physical health significantly. I've had a few accidental wet dreams in the past 180 days, and each time felt worse in the mornings. I find my health is also improving over time as well. I had my gallbladder removed last year and had a fatty liver which is noticeably improving since I stopped wasting my energy on masturbation. Now I wake up feeling great, energized and full of life.
- Not orgasming at all has made a great difference to me psychologically. I've become more calm over the past 180 days too, and less angry also (e.g. when bumping into things or hurting myself). I'm more patient with my kids and with employees in the office. Switching to Karezza-style sex has shifted my hormones from dopamine to oxytocin, and I'm noticing the difference more every day.
On the topic of Tantric sex and Karezza, here are more details about what I've learned for those of you who are interested. I don't think of myself as very experienced in this domain, but I'm enjoying every moment and wouldn't consider going back.
- Frequency — My wife and I now have intercourse on average once a day. Some days it's twice and a couple days a month we avoid connecting during her period. I wouldn't have believed it possible, but after we shifted shift our emphasis from friction and insemination-style sex this feels very normal and sustainable. My erections and her natural lubrication are not a problem as they would have been otherwise.
- Timing — Often we'll "hook up" in the evenings and relax together for an hour or so, reading a book, just chatting, or occasionally watching a TV show. Sometimes we connect in the mornings for 20-30 minutes while waking up, and it's an amazing way to start the day. Tender and invigorating at the same time.
- Positions — Our main positions are now spooning and scissor. These are comfortable positions where we can remain still, PIV, with little effort and just lie connected together. Most of the time there's no movement, I occasionally move my pelvis a bit when it feels right -- e.g. to sustain an erection longer as it goes on for a while. When we change to other positions, we remain connected together and it becomes a slow/smooth rotation (see the book Tantric Sex for Men).
- Meditation — Once or twice a week, we'll have slightly more intense intercourse where we take our time, focus on breathing and very slow penetration. I try to remain conscious of every inch as we hook up. We're still beginners when it comes to tantra, but I've had a couple of "full body" sensations that make me very curious to experiment more.
- Contraception — Not ejaculating has become our primary form of contraception. With daily practice I'm very confident, and I encouraged my wife to quit the pill due to its many down-sides. My wife tracks her temperature, and we're more careful when she is "egging" -- using a condom, avoiding the most stimulating positions, getting close but not penetrating, or falling back to manual caresses.
- On Practicing — At first, we both fell asleep multiple times while hooked up together for an hour or so! I've read that many people carry around sexual trauma even from what's considered "normal" sex, and just being connected together completely still for the first few weeks was incredible. We've both grown and feel like we've healed some of those trauma and are moving on to the next level -- and we'll probably keep going deeper and deeper into our connection with each other.
- My Thoughts — I find this form of intercourse very rewarding; the deep sense of unfulfilled sexual longing has mostly gone. When a penis spends such long periods of time in a vagina (on a regular basis) it's like being able to truly relax "at home" and not worry about when the next sex will happen. It feels like /r/Karezza regulates my body and spirit at the same time. Of course I still get occasional reptilian urges to "fuck" my wife (e.g. in doggy-style hehe), but when that happens I try to relax into the position and not move -- channeling that strong energy into my or her body instead.
Some other random notes and observations:
For the first few weeks of NoFap, I used this sub-reddit a lot, and focused much of my attention on not masturbating or watching porn. Over time, I focused this energy on improving other aspects of my life instead. It's why I missed my 90 day report :-)
- I switched to /r/keto a few weeks after starting NoFap, and that's been more of a challenge. Controlling each meal multiple times daily for carbohydrates is more work than not masturbating, and in a way that made NoFap easier by taking my focus off it!
- The skills I learned with NoFap helped a lot with /r/keto and I'm also noticing other patterns of instant gratification and addiction that I will deal with incrementally too. For instance, reducing my use of reddit :-)
- The temptation to open NFSW links/reddits (for example) has not fully gone away, but when I get a glimpse at a Men's magazine in the store (for instance) it feels much more disconnected. I'm actively training to look away from forms of stimulation and overly sexualized content.
- I appreciate real women much more, for example as the walk by. Whereas before I would stare at their body parts now I smile and make eye contact -- and find that much more fulfilling. Women that I previously would have found attractive seem empty and/or unhappy to me now.
- I've had 4 wet dreams, and most of those were caused by triggers that I could learn to prevent. For example, I once dreamed of relapsing by masturbation and this caused an ejaculation in my sleep. Another time I was invited to a topless pool bar (didn't go), but relapsed that evening with a dream anyway.
- Overall, the impact of channeling my sexual energy instead of wasting it has been huge, both physically and psychologically. I'm noticing significant impacts in my relationship, familly and business. Looking at it this way, it's an easy decision to continue this lifestyle!
Anyway, I think that's a good place to finish. If there's anything I missed don't hesitate to ask.
I've been lurking here for couple weeks and felt compelled to post my story. My situation is a little different than most others here, but I thought it might be interesting and/or useful.
I'm now in my early 30s, but like most young men, I've been into porn on and off since my late teens, and masturbating about once a day on average. I've been married for ~5 years. The sex has been great and tends to happen every week or two, with some blowjobs/handjobs in between. My wife is generally amazing, but somehow I wasn't fulfilled -- for reasons that are more obvious to me now. After sex I'd often stay up and masturbate to porn a couple times, and the same after blowjobs. I'd watch porn on some other days too when I'd have to work late while she was in bed. (My libido is very high and my wife is very hot so I haven't had any performance problems or ED -- yet. :-)
After finding /r/nofap and YBOP about two weeks ago, I stopped the porn immediately and the masturbation. I saw some great results in a few days only (no PM), feeling significantly better emotionally and physically, but a handjob & orgasm from my wife left me feeling empty again so I relapsed and masturbated afterwards again. The day after, I told my wife I intended to cut out the orgasms (no PMOs at all), and she was a bit surprised! She, like most, presumed that masturbation is a good way for men to release tension, and probably let me indulge because I'd be too high maintenance to "service" this way -- as there can never be enough :-) (We hadn't talked about this and while I presume she knew about the porn/masturbation she never mentioned it.)
Now I've been PMO free for 7 days, and my wife and I since found out about Karezza-style sex. I did a lot of reading, she was open to the idea, and we've been experimenting daily since. It's quite amazing! For the first few days I was a bit clingy and more attached to my wife, but she finds that cute anyway :-) I realize how empty and unhappy I felt before (in comparison) and I now feel truly fulfilled. My energy levels are higher than I ever remember them being, so is my creativity, confidence also. (Not that I felt uncreative or lacking confidence before, but reaching a new level makes me realize how bad it was relatively.)
This way of being feels very sustainable to me, and glad I found out about it now rather than later. The difficult part is that I'm away on business for a whole week, so it might be tough without the karezza hook-ups ;-) You single/younger guys out there have my utmost respect for pulling this off alone!
If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask. I'll try to reply over the next day or two when I can.