Age 27 - ED: 180 days - rewiring with masturbation/fantasy
Hi guys! I wan’t to tell you all my story and what I’ve learned about this awful addiction.
I use to have a strong sexual drive and high libido since I remember. I started with porn at 14 years old through some video tapes and magazines. Little by little my escalation grew up with Internet pictures sites, downloaded porn films, and after that streaming videos websites. My sexual tastes became distorted as the years went to sort of women prototypes that really shocked and embarrassed me so deep. I thought many times that it was something rotten and depraved on me.
Poor and limited. I met my girlfriend at 18 years old. My first time was a disaster because of the anxiety, lack of sensations and a mild erection. After this episode I instinctively prepared a training: I masturbated every night moving my body in instead of my hand and fantasizing about her (I tried to approach to a actual sex occasion), and also I kept away from porn. The result of that was that we enjoyed a great sex together. Along four years we hold up our relationship in the distance, and of course I kept PMO’ing which lead us to loose interest on intimating. Despite she was a really really cute girl, and I knew that more than 95% of the heterosexual men on the planet would like to have sex with her, I wasn't attracted, but I blamed it to the routine. I broke up with her and problems came. Two weeks later I met another girl and my ED problem strongly appeared. I fixed it giving up porn again and I could have the best sex of my life!! The same was repeated again and again for three years and my porn addiction, ED problem, anxiety, depression and lack of motivation were getting worse. In some way, I always knew that porn wasn’t a benefit for an actual sex life, but I never realized it in a conscious level.
Found the problem:
After the last embarrassing sexual experience I felt terrified thinking about being a 26 years old, good looking, healthy, strong, courageous, funny and intelligent guy with no possibilities about having a regular sex life with a regular girl. At this stage my confidence and self esteem were knackered. The simple approach of a girl triggered on me a very bad feeling that made my brain drive me to scape from a dangerous situation. I found yourbrainonporn.com and started reading up with tears in my face figuring out what my problem was.
From that day I quit PMO’ing, jut MO’ing occasionally, and three months later I met a very sexually experienced cute girl who got known about I had some sexual issues. After having a our first sex she freaked out and literally asked me if I was kidding her about the sexual problems. My instinct was playing in my team for first time in years!!
After this successful experience I committed a mistake coming back on porn for three days (probably chaser effect), and I paid the bill. One month later being away from porn and masturbation I tried to have sex with the same girl but i was in a very clear flatline period and my performance was like when I was deeply addicted. Keep all of you deep in your mind! “Just a little fix” is not an option. I’ve been binging on PMO for too much time, which means that my porn habit is a highway compared with the dirt road of the actual sex habit.
• Lack of dopamine is the root of our problems, not the penis. Stay away from nicotine, alcohol, Internet and video-games. I clearly noticed that those rushing dopamine artificial ways are as harmful as watching porn. We all need to get up our baseline dopamine level to be able to fully enjoy sex and life again as overcome the hypofrontality made by our several addictions (if any).
• Rewire your brain to good habits. I saw benefits practicing sports, meditating, socialising, eating healthy (Paleo diet brought me being in the best shape of my life, six pack rocks!). The most amazing thing is that, for example, once you brain accepts that trash food is not longer available, healthy fat, protein, vegetables and fruit are much more enjoyable, and you stop craving for unhealthy food, you really don’t miss it. This is all related with overstimulation. Just downgrade the reward circuit stimulation level of anithing involved on it and wait. First of you will go through a flatline, lack of satisfaction, but this is great! Is your plastic brain missing the party, healing itself and adapting to the new situation. This is the most important lesson I’ve learned!! We are not prepared to live in this abundant environment, so the most intelligent decision is to accept it as a fact, and figure out that unlimited access to primal gratifications is something so sweet at the beginning, but erases on you the interest for everything else than get your easy reward.
• Rewire to real sex after rebooting: I finished my reboot and binged, but after 3 more months away from porn, knowing that porn wasn’t present in my mind I saw that my libido and attraction for girls was so weak, as my sexual anxiety was still there… again crappy feelings were hitting me. It supposed for me a real concern, and I decided that it was time to explain to my brain what is my sexual focus, and reinforce it. My problem is that there are no women around me now, so I decided to start masturbating, once or twice a week, fantasizing about kissing, touching and being completely aware of the physical sensation, doing it smoothly and slowly. I’m now seeing that my desire to intimate with a girl is coming back and replacing my old ED-related fear feeling. I’m also noticing that my erectile response is improving and I can keep it up harder and harder for longer and longer and the pleasure is insane. The idea is becoming sexual again with a low stimulation degree until I can have real sex.
• Don’t compare your recovery with others. I learned a lot of rebooting accounts comparing it with what was happening to me. I’ts not a good deal, and made me feel worried. Is very important to understand that each one is unique, our timing is different, and the best thing that we can do is listen ourselves wisely and observe which thoughts or behaviours are helping us or not. Also knowing that our brain will resist changes at first, but it will hopelessly change to learn something new if we speak to it in it’s language: Replace behaviours, repeat them, and be patient.
QUESTION: So you are completely fine and rebooted now, a success?? Lack of dopamine is the issue yes ; would you still say the odd cup of coffee everyday is OK?
I'm rebooted, I really feel that I have overcome porn addiction and probably the ED (I need to prove it again with a girl soon).
In one hand I think that there is no a yes/no answer to this question. I will keep the memory of all my old bad habits all my life, those are part of me and I must be careful, and avoid rewire them in order to make them weaker. In the other hand I'm still fighting with other addictions:
- Alcohol: I drink one time per week and I notice that it induces a decline in my mood and my optimism. Hangovers are so heavy and I don't want to pass through them.
- Cigarettes: My first enemy to keep my dopamine levels stable. I know that it affects me specially because of my dopamine instability.
- Caffeine: I replaced coffee with green thee, much better, even though I think that the best choice is to drink just water, but is not bad at all.
Now my goals are give up smoking cold turkey, reduce dramatically the alcohol intake to a beer or two when hanging out, and keep drinking thee.
Anyway my mood now is much better than before and I truly believe that an ex porn-addict can get the same performance in bed or even better than a non-addict. It takes time to learn the new way to be sexual again, and develop the ability, but is doable!! So don't worry, we have the chance to heal this addiction and learn how the brain works to be aware of the rest of our bad habits!! This is a great opportunity that the rest of the people will never have!!!
BY - jessiepinkman