After 30 years of PMO - I kept an an erection during intercourse for the first time ever in my life
82 days is a weird number to post about, but I hit a big milestone today. Quick background. I'm divorced and had married my first girlfriend (and first sexual partner). That lasted over a decade and I am ashamed to admit that PMO caused me to have almost no sex life.
The divorce wasn't solely due to PMO but I can tell you that a relationship with no sex life is a bad relationship, period.
After the divorce settled I went through a lot of changes, including losing a LOT of weight, changing my job, car, attitude, everything. But I didn't change PMO, even though a marriage counselor correctly told me I was addicted to porn (I just didn't see the reason to quit -- I had no GF and it was so comforting).
Fast forward a year after the divorce and I meet a beautiful caring girl and you can already guess the story -- I couldn't get it up. And just like during my marriage I started thinking hey, I'm just broken and this girl will have to live with the fact that I'm a great boyfriend EXCEPT for the sex.
She was very supportive and said we'd 'work through' my issues -- and that made me really think about what my issue was. And since I had been given a preview of what the problem was nearly a year ago, I started reading about it, found this forum, YBOP, and other sites. And one day when I was on vacation and instead of going outside I was going to look at porn on my laptop and pleasure myself, it hit me -- this was the problem. I needed to stop.
That day was 82 days ago and I am proud to say I've been perfect on no masturbation and no orgasm. I am not as proud to say that I do relapse on porn every few days it seems -- usually just a few minutes of bikini/soft core but I know its still wrong. This is the battle I still fight.
However, at least for me, it seems that nofap is the core of the solution, because the problem I had was desensitization due to deathgrip - I felt nothing from PIV or BJ or anything other than my hand. By completely eliminating my hand I can slowly (very slowly, but surely) feel again.
About 45 days in I could definitely feel the PIED going away, but it still wasn't perfect. I told my GF about my problem then, which is another thing up for debate here; at least in my situation it was very helpful to tell her so she understands the things she has to do to help me get better.
And to get to the light at the end of the tunnel -- which is hopefully just the FIRST light -- this morning I was able to keep it up during PIV so for the first time ever in my life (and I'm in my late 30s) I gave a girl an orgasm just from that. I also felt a lot more (obviously since I was able to get in and keep going) but I still have a ways to go before I'm fully rebooted.
So yes, this is somewhat of a brag post, but I enjoyed reading other people's brag posts because their success gave me hope for my success. I still have a ways to go, but if I can summarize the points of my journey:
- Long time PMO addict that let a marriage rot from the inside due to it
- Finally confronted my addiction about three months ago and been 100% good on nofap (no edge or masturbation) but not so great on porn (greatly reduced, but not pornfree)
- Shared all details with new girlfriend. So I'm on 'easy' mode rewiring at the same time as rebooting.
- Much reduced PIED (replaced with some performance anxiety) about 45 days in
- Was able to complete PIV 82 days in
- Been over 90 days without my own orgasm, and I'm not going to explode - so its not necessary for all guys
tl;dr PMO addict who never been able to complete PIV was able to do after 82 days NOFAP. Reboot is definitely not complete but very much in progress and worth the sacrifices made
My four month nofap anniversary is a couple of days ago. It is exactly one month after I met my current girlfriend, who was the straw that broke the camels back on me finally breaking the PMO cycle. She was so sweet and understanding and I wanted her so bad but could not perform and for the first time in my life I said I want to be better, not just for her, but for myself. And then I read, read, read and decided to undertake the program.
It has not been without its bumps. I've been completely free of fap -- no edging, no masturbation -- but not pornfree. I've learned that its not because I am not satisfied looking at my girl, but its because of the novelty of seeing something new.
My main symptom was terrible PIED; while I was married for over a decade (to my first girlfriend and only sexual partner ever) I can't say I ever successfully had PIV sex. I just assumed I was 'broken' at sex and that the PMO cycle was not the problem.
During the divorce I saw a counselor who told me I was addicted to porn, but I was going through a LOT of things and chose to ignore it, thinking whats the problem with PMO when you don't have anyone. Looking back it was so stupid, but in my own defence, I was able to lose a LOT of weight and change my attitude towards women even before I quit PMO.
At around the 30 day mark of the program I told my girlfriend what I was going through. She was supportive and I stuck with 'easy' mode in the sense I still had sexual activity, just didn't O, and still had PIED issues. At around the 90 day mark I for the first time in my life had PIV sex where I gave her an orgasm, and a few days later, I actually had an O inside a woman for the first time EVER. It was such a different experience that I didn't even know it was happening till it was done.
Suffice to say I felt pretty good (even though like any one who is having first time sex, it was sooo quick). Then I think I fell into a flatline, or something happened. For the next two weeks I couldn't get it up at all, and I was despondent. I felt like I did in my first relationship, that I was broken. But unlike last time, I felt horrible because I wanted to be better, because I know myself and my girlfriend deserve a normal sex life.
If one thing I've learned as a side effect of giving up PMO is that your emotions pour out of you like no one's business. And this weekend after some progress in the right direction a few things happened that led me down a deep, dark path of self doubt. I can say honestly I never thought about relapsing, but I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I also read the forums and we all know that in addition to the success stories we have stories of struggle, and there was a post yesterday that was something like "I just want to cry". And I'm a typical guy, was told never to cry, and then you add on PMO which masks our emotions, I never cried. But I just cried about where I am, and cried in front of my girlfriend, just because the emotions were pouring out and I wasn't bottling it up anymore and I wasn't resorting to fap either.
As someone who PMOed for 30+ years and didn't cry for 30+ years I can say that both things are definitely wrong. I can only wish someone I trusted had told me this. I can't say that crying on its own felt better, but confronting my emotions, my insecurities, my fears, with someone I trusted was a big step of the process.
So after being reassured that my girlfriend and I would work on it as a team, and us talking over some things that normal couples do (such as being more expressive during sex over what we like, etc) we tried again the next couple of days. The next day, I was able to have PIV sex and have an O (so yes, the second time in my life inside a woman). Since I was aware of the sensation I was able to actually delay the O for a few minutes, but still not enough for my GF to O. The day after, I can say that it was a normal (still brief) sexual encounter .. I brought my GF to O and then I O afterwards.
In any regular life this is not something to write home about, because the sex was just 'normal'. But after all this time, being normal is all I want. I now have regular issues - having to time my and my GF O, different sexual libidos, etc. And I'm not completely out of the woods. I am still so insecure about this and know that doubt will come into my mind again.
But I only know one thing -- PMO is no longer an option. I just can't do it anymore. One last aside. A couple of days ago my GF and I watched the movie Thanks for Sharing. That movie is about sex addiction but there's a LOT in common with our problems (as porn and masturbation addiction are often also problems of sex addicts). My GF told me after watching it she felt a lot more understanding of the journey I was going through. Since she was sitting next to me she also said I was sweating a lot through the movie. I believe that was because it was uncomfortably accurate. So we had some more serious and frank discussions about the addiction and the recovery process.
I told her that while I've been tempted to fap I didn't do it because I didn't want to fail you guys online, fail the fellow soldiers in the nofap war, fail her, or fail myself. I think about all of those folks I'd let down if I fap and then I don't. I told her the truth that I've had much more difficulty with porn and that I want to give it up for good too. And then she asked me, very sweetly, to give that up for her too. And you know, I'm glad she asked me. Some guys might take it poorly (like the Don Jon character did in that movie) but I know she did it because she loves me and now every time I'm tempted to click a link I don't want to let her down.
tl;dr After four months with some severe ups and downs, many of them emotional, am able to have normal sex with all the normal issues that normal people have. The reboot isn't complete but the journey is the ONLY option I have.
So, I've had a big problem with porn all my life. My best friend introduced me to it back in high school and I was a geeky, nerdy kid so I remember spending hours trying to download GIFs from my 1200 baud modem and hiding it from my dad (side note: my parents approach to just tell me its bad without ever explaining why DOESN'T work. You also have to assume your kids are smarter than you -- if they want to do something you don't approve, they will do it).
My relationship with porn predated any real relationship I had with women. It didn't really affect how I treated women, but it treated how I treated SEX. And the bottom line is I preferred sex with no judgement and on demand rather than the ups and downs of real sex.
So while I had no reservations about having 'sex' before marriage I remember how piss poor it was and how I almost immediately went back to porn. Didn't have sex on the wedding night, and then for fourteen years I would dread my weekly sex night with my (now ex) wife, making up excuses to avoid it, and then instead wanting to go to the other room and find some porn to jack off to.
While this wasn't the only problem in my relationship, in hindsight it was a huge portion of it -- probably 90%. And its not even the lack of sex, it really was the lack of intimacy. And while at the time I was floored when my (now ex) wife asked for a divorce, right now I'll think why the hell did she wait that long, why did I allow it?
So during the divorce proceedings I did see a marriage counselor who correctly diagnosed my issues with porn. But I still ignored it, especially since I was newly single for the first time in twenty years, and porn was the comfortable thing I've known my whole life.
And then I met a perfect girl, and we had sex. And it was so frustrating. It went poorly again. But this time, I wasn't going to just assume 'that's the way it is'. I needed to figure out what was wrong, because I had assumed with my ex-wife that 'sex wasn't necessary if you have love' or some bullshit like that. I now knew that a happy, fulfilling sex life was a requirement for a long term relationship.
That's when I came across the nofap and pornfree forums and read some stories about people just like me. And it's been a LONG road with relapses in between, but I have been trying to give up porn and fap for nearly a year. The current girlfriend knows about my problem and has been supportive.
Since I've been trying to give up both, I've had much better sex (not perfect by any means) and been able to orgasm with her (I never did with my ex-wife). And the long and short of it is that I am engaged again, with this time a healthy sex life without porn and fap as part of the plan.
tl;dr First relationship of nearly twenty years rotted from inside due to PMO addiction and led to divorce. Was able to turn it around and build a new relationship (** I'm ENGAGED **) after giving up PMO.
So for those who feel like you are at a low point, a lot of us have been there. You can turn it around, no matter where you are.