Age 16 - Addicted for 5 and half years, suicidal

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young lifeguard

I have been apart of this subreddit for 11 months and participating in NoFap for 3 and half years. Porn took me to the brink of suicide multiple times in the past year. I had almost had enough. I felt like I was a disgrace, and weak, and I started hated myself. But I never lost hope in the idea of who I could become.

I came here to say that you can do it. I promise that you can. When everything seems at its darkest, don't lose hope. I was an addict for 5 and half years. I'm 16 years old. I was lucky enough to discover this community before I took my own life, and I was lucky enough to have a family that I loved too much to lose. I know how that depression feels: like your drowning while everyone around you is enjoying the fresh air, like you have a singularity in your soul that envelopes everything that should bring you joy, and it only gets bigger the more you dwell on it.

I came here to say that fighting is not futile. I may be just a young buck, but I fought like hell against my addiction and against my depression. And I started to find joy in the simplest things, like fifties music. I just love to dance to old music now. I do every night while I brush my teeth. I love sports, and I'm pushing myself to get better every day. I used to love reading but as I became depressed I started to see it as a chore. I'm about half way through 1984 by George Orwell at the moment, and I love it. For the first time in my life, I can say I can grasp the idea of what it feels like to be alive. And while I still get very upset at the fact that the US government is a load of hypocritical bigots who are more worried about profit than the lives of it's own constituents, eh ehm, I am started to enjoy living more and more every day.

And so I came here to say that life is worth living. I am now an American Red Cross certified lifeguard, and I am currently working my first job where I am meeting awesome people who I actually look forward to seeing. I am teaching little kids how to swim, and I love working with them. Little kids are so happy and so eager to experience, even if that means just putting their face in the water for the first time. I can see today that my actions have impact, and that I can put a smile on the face of almost everybody I meet. That, to me, is more important than anything. I can see my worth in the faces of other people.

And now I look back and think that I may have not been here to write this today had I made the decision to end my fight. I'm glad I held on to hope. This fight is hard and darn near impossible, but not completely. It probably took me a thousand relapses or more before I got to where I am today. So please, don't ever give up. I know you can do it! And please, if any one ever wants to talk about anything at all, feel free to PM me! I love talking to people and I'm pretty wise for my age!

This journey is not about superpowers, gentleman. It's about tapping into the ability you always had.

Btw, tomorrow evening I'm going on a hike around sunset with a gorgeous girl. Seriously, she's a solid 8.5/10. And shes got the most beautiful smile.

LINK - I really want to say this to you all!

by ShaggyTheJesus