Age 18 - ED cured, but still battling HOCD
Hey guys, this is the first time I tell you about my reboot, even though it is not my first attempt on noFap.
In short it´s been 3 month ago since I started to reboot. I relapsed after one entire dry month. It had been a long way through desert, and the first time I thought to see the oasis, the first time I recognized my great progress, I edged at first, then MO´ed, stopped a couple of weeks, then PMO´ed. (I´ll explain that later). Yesterday it´s been three weeks since my last MO, today I masturbated and I decided to share my journey with you guys and do it right now, because TODAY is the best day to stop!
I´m 18 years old and I masturbated for 5 years, watching porn couple of times a day, edging, all the stuff. The year I turned 16 I truly fell in love for the first time. It has been a very good time due to the fact that both of use where emotional connected to each other. She had a great humor and was very good looking, so after a couple of month our sexual experiences were very tense and fulfilling. I don´t want to talk about this relationship that much, just to state that there been also tense and arousing sex in my life, not to mention that I didn´t PMO the time we been together.
When we broke up because she moved to another country for a year, I fell in a depression. I didn´t know what to do in my life, anxieties raisin up and I also started to watch porn again. After some time I met another girl, which I at first used to get me out of my depression. You can´t compare the relationship to my first one and also the sex felled suddenly wired. She told me that she never came during sex before, so combined with the lack of real arousal I set myself into huge pressure to pleasure her. It didn´t worked from the beginning and owing to my erections getting weaker and weaker every time we had sex, I started to question my sexual orientation.
With the things I know about HOCD now because of the time I spent on YBOP I would tell the past-me to calm down, quit porn, maybe to quit a false relationship, because you can imagine what happened:
I started to masturbate every day couple of times checking my arousals, convincing myself strongly that I haven´t turned gay suddenly, thoughts like: “Oh, why me, I always loved girls, WTF, this can´t be true”. So after a month of anxieties I created a kind of constant HOCD, making me question my sexuality in every situation, when looking at girls and boys in school, checking – masturbating – anxiety. It was a terrible spiral which fucked with my brain leading to strong and arousing gay thoughts and the fear of changing every time I heard the word “gay”.
But it all kind of felled wrong – I always knew that, but in this time I could not explain these creepy mindset and I didn´t know what to do, so 24/7 masturbation to lesbian porn seemed to keep me in the straight world.
This was the time I stumbled on YBOP. I watched all the videos and read all the posts about porn inducted ED. At first I wasn´t quite convinced because the stories of other people weren´t that similar to my case, but reading how the brain is connected with my penis, both the psychological and physical aspects of the coolidge effect and stuff like that, made me realize that pornography was definitely connected to my strange progress and I decided to quit immediately. I told my girlfriend about my thoughts on our fucked up sexlife and she was good with it. I blocked all the forbidden websites in my browser and in the internet connection. I started to do sports and learn for school. After the first two weeks I was in a pretty good mood and also the now non sexual relationship with my girlfriend seemed to relief the stress we put us in.
Then I read a post about HOCD and it was an epiphany. It was like somebody was standing behind me all the time writing about my behavior, my thoughts and my habits. All the strange stuff happening to me suddenly made sense and I was really motivated to continue my journey. My goal was at least two month. When I was at day 40 I had sex and it was better than I imagined. I was rock-hard and definitely aroused and looking back at all the things that changed so far, (mood, anxieties, motivation, sexual pleasure) I kind of subconscious thought it was done. I think the biggest mistake was to be disregardful when I marked the days in my calendar. As a result of that I wasn´t keeping the basic thing of my reboot, I stopped counting the days and the way it is in every reboot there are this days and also those days.
If you think you are done, especially when you have HOCD, do another month! – Your prostate won´t explode if you do! ... I promise!
I think if I would had accomplished three month, maybe it would have been the right way, not thinking about the reboot and your life goes on the right way, but my brain was definitely not balanced from porn arousal, nor from HOCD. So one of those days came and I had a hard urge to masturbate, even thinking about gay stuff. It hit me in the back with a knife and I was on the ground. I MO´ed, after a couple of days I watched porn, both straight and gay… The crazy thing was that both didn´t aroused me the way even one of them should (of course I could have forced an orgasm, but it wasn´t actual pleasure). I think it was kind of a placebo effect, caused by my total confusion and disappointment.
I realized that my reboot need to be continued and I also realized that forbidden thoughts aroused me more than actually seeing these things trough pornography. It gave me a little boost due to the fact that HOCD is a bitch, but I didn´t get the full message of HOCD research, that questioning and checking is the worst thing which keeps this unwanted mindset alive. So I had still anxieties. (As a little side note – my first girlfriend came back to my school, and the fact that she don´t want me anymore, is hard, but when I see her, it kind of turns me on)
What I learned from the month after my first relapse is very important:
Smoking weed can destroy your aims!! – Or at least makes you touch your penis carelessly.
The next weeks had all the same structure: during the week I felled good, making great progress in my renewed reboot (No PMO, wet dreams with girls I know, spontaneous erections, morning wood), but on the first weekend I smoked weed with my girlfriend, being extremely aroused ended up having good sex in public – not the worst thing you may think. The case is that the other following weekend, when no girls were around, I would end up masturbating (both straight and gay thoughts) – I have to add, that I´m, as I read, in contrast to many of you guys very sexual when I´m high (even MO’ed in public, which is a other deep point of my PMO career) – being extremely angry about it right after I did, promising to myself I´m never going to be that stupid again, end up smoking weed the next weekend again…
Three weeks ago I realized that I have to get over my fears, to live with it, to accept that I may be bisexual or not but at first be calm and to come to terms with my reboot to explore the real me. I didn´t PMO for three weeks. During this time I had only two gay thoughts and they couldn´t harm me with my new confidence. My girlfriend and I decided to stop sleeping together for at least two month because we read an article about the reboot with a girlfriend, about save re-sensibilation methods and all these kind of stuff. I also made good improvement in talking to other girls, the kind of flirty playful way and I experienced a very intensive situation by doing so, and I was kind of disappointed that I am too faithful to fuck random girls, even though she really impressed me with her look and with her snappy way of challenging me on a clever and even sexual way. This particular situation was so good that my scumbag brain may have thought to give me some strong urges afterwards, so strong that I could not resist even though I told myself the whole time not to do! I am still angry about this stupidity, because getting to know this girl plus getting real arousal for her is such a great thing, I was really proud of myself until I did. I was so disappointed about my lack of willpower that on the third day –“hey nice to meet you!” – My HOCD kicked in, and I watched porn to check – As you can see HOCD can kick in on multiple ways.
Anyways, now is the fourth day and I decided that I need your support. You guys are great and every time I read posts on YBOP I see real heroes that struggle with problems I know and even achieve what I couldn´t achieve yet. There is so much willpower on this site and although I told my friends and girlfriend about my porn problems I think that I am not able to disappoint you guys like I do to myself! I won´t PMO today and not tomorrow, day by day, and if something important happens I´ll definitely let you know! I will do this reboot that long that my anxieties are gone and I am able to experience sex in the way it is meant to be, which is definitely going to need some time, although I´ve already vanished the worst ED.
To all the guys who have a similar amount of relapses I would say that you shouldn´t worry about an amount of relapses you can count on your hand. What you can accomplish and what you maybe already accomplish won´t vanish – just think positive and continue your reboot stronger than ever before! - buy a chastity belt if you need one – haven´t found one for men,… yet :D… I think that all of you are doing an important job for yourself and for the fucked up porn-society we are living in and you are doing well! Feel free to ask me everything Ps.: please be patient with my language skills, I´m still learning English in school – so to all the grammar Nazis --- I´m German :D