Age 19 - (ED), HOCD: both finally gone, but still struggling with porn

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I am 19 years old and I am addicted to porn, and I would like to share my story with anyone who could find it helpful. I am not sure for how long I have been addicted to porn, I started watching it when I was 12 or 13, and I think it wasn't long before i got hooked so you can say i am addicted to it for 5 or 6 years.

I haven't realized that i was in that much of a mess until half a year ago. I went on a trip for a week and i didn't have access to porn, during that week I DIDN'T GET A SINGLE ERECTION !!! I was like whoa, I am only 19 something isn't right here. It was long ago when I noticed mine erections are getting weaker and weaker, but since I was so absorbed into porn addiction I never really wanted to admit to myself that it was caused by the porn. Two months ago, somewhere around Christmas I finally admitted to myself that I definitely have porn issues and that I should try to get away from it. Since then I am unsuccessfully trying to stop watching it and i have been experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms, most notably the dreaded HOCD.

Since I have many things I want to share with anyone going through the same or similar situation, I have to warn you that this will be long and hopefully, helpful story.

PERSONAL HISTORY

I never had much luck with girls due to low self-esteem and social anxiety, that is one of the main reasons i got into porn. It was too easy, with a few clicks i would see anything that I ever wanted to see without making any notable effort and having to approach girls. I always thought that it was a brilliant solution and that I would never need a girlfriend, I believed that all I ever needed is porn. It was only a few months before I realized how damn pathetic I am and then i decided to get off porn for good, I thought it will be easy, how foolish of me.

OCD IN THE PAST

I have always suffered from OCD, i had some serious health issues as a kid and because of it, i got PTSD. After some time the PTSD disappeared (It went away by itself, i have never been to psychiatrist because of PTSD or OCD), and then OCD flared up, it was mostly cancer related, but since then I had several other types of OCD (Relationship, HOCD, you name it). As you can conclude, I self diagnosed myself with it and you might doubt mine judgement, but believe me I am 100% sure it is OCD.

TASTE ESCALATION

As you can guess, with time mine porn tastes got more and more deviant, I will try to chronologically sort them as they progressed and try to explain why did they get me off.

  1. ANYTHING INCLUDING GIRLS (Pictures, videos, even music where the girl singing had hot voice)
  2. Vanilla porn (I remember the time when i felt guilty after fapping to uglygirl video)
  3. Lesbian (Think i didn't want to watch men in porn, in the beggining it was only licking videos, but it evolved to extreme stuff)
  4. Double penetrations
  5. Anything anal
  6. Rough gangbangs
  7. Only the most extreme straight stuff imaginable (Extreme domination, double/triple anal... These stuff get me off even today even thought it was somewhere around two and a half years ago)
  8. SHEMALES (I only ever watched shemales being dominated and they were always feminine, just like girls with penises. This one is mine biggest fetish and the source of my HOCD, since i sated mine hunger for extreme straight porn, i moved on to not-so-straight stuff. The reason i found it hot was because i found it to be so degrading and humiliating to the shemale. It was basically male being that is stripped of last traces of manliness and dominated by another man, and the thing was that the shemale looked better than most of the real girls. So I think this was mine final form of sadistical fantasies.)
  9. After more than two years of shemale fetish it just bored me because i watched every single video of good looking shemale being f***ed, so i started slowly reverting to the straight porn, but guess what: it was barely a turn on for me!

SHEMALE PORN ADDICTION

For two years I fapped almost exclusively to this genre, at first I never really wanted to see the shemale doing anything with her gear, even touching it would be a turn off for me. But as mine addiction progressed I got more and more into c**ks, to the point when I couldn't fap to shemales that had ugly genitals and at one point I even started to think like "I would so suck her off". Although I never wanted to see the shemale dominating the man. I got so deep into it that i even imagined the girls i liked having penises, that is some f***ed up stuff man, honestly, at one point i preffered shemales over girls. Luckily, mine interest in shemales is diminishing the more time I spend away from shemale porn, and i find female genitals more and more attractive. (45 days no shemale PMO)

SUMMARY OF ESCALATION

I am just thankful that I never got into gay porn, I can just imagine how bad mine HOCD would be if I escalated to it, it would probably spell suicide for me. But the thing that worries me the most is that with time mine sadistic urges simply got depleted, and something in my brain clicked and I started getting off at thinking how would it be to be the shemale that is being dominated. As you can guess it completely horrified me and caused a lot of sexual orientation and gender indentity confusion.

CURRENT HOCD

Mine HOCD started few days after i decided to get off porn (thus i firmly believe it is withdrawal symptom), after a few days of no porn I decided to try to get off on fantasy which i hadn't done in long long time. I tried every single fantasy where I was in dominant position and simply mine penis wasn't responding. Then i tried fantasizing about something that i would find unimaginable some time back - me being bottomed, and guess what, I got and erection in a matter of seconds - I WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED !!! It felt like just first time i watched porn, or when i first discovered shemale porn, it was like a mix of adrenaline rush and horniness. I will try to describe it, although you won't be able to understand how it feels like because I think only OCD sufferers can truly understand it (I hope you are not one). It feels like you are battling your own mind, you are desperately seeking some kind of affirmation that your opsession (in this case being homosexual) isn't true, but the affirmation is completely unobtainable. Even when you get some kind of affirmation of your straightness, your mind just discards it in a matter of minutes and shoots another burst of questions at you.

I was terrified of being homosexual and not being to fall in love with a girl ever again. At the worst point i had panic attacks that lasted for 10 days, I spent 6 hours per day googling for "Am I gay" tests! It was like i am trapped in a nightmare and i had no way out. At one point i even said to myself "Oh man i will even turn gay if it will make this nightmare go away". If anyone with HOCD is reading this i will say the following: just let it go man, I know it sounds hard, but seeking reassurance about your straightness will only get you deeper into it. HOCD is SATAN ITSELF, it will play illusions on your mind, it will get you into game where you play against yourself and whatever you do will turn against you in the end. Only way to win this game is to not play it !!! If it started at the time you first tried to get off porn, you can be 100% sure (sounds impossible if you have OCD - nicknamed the doubting disorder) it is withdrawal symptom. The moment you relapse and masturbate to porn again it will go away, only to come back few hours ago.

FALSE ATTRACTIONS

I simply have to devote a separate paragraph to this phenomena, I was never into men before of all of this HOCD stuff started. But when it started i simply had an urge to check out men and women and compare them to each other in order to figure out who am I attracted to, and you can guess what - mine mind started to make me feel kinda attracted to men.

The process of creating false attraction goes like this:

  • First you check out someone to figure out are you attracted to them
  • Out of 20 men you check out you will conclude for atleast one that he is good looking
  • Then you will go in panic mode because you will fail to differentiate between being attracted to someone and concluding that someone is good looking
  • After that, as a cherry on top, comes you mind that makes you think that your anxiety spike is actually true attraction you feel towards that person
  • Next thing is your mind throwing in intrusive thoughts like "would you suck his c**k" or "would you like to be his little wh**e"
  • Then comes depression and suicidality, atleast for me THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW ABOUT HOCD IS THAT IS FEELS LIKE IT IS REAL, IF IT DIN'T FEEL LIKE THAT THEN IT WOULDN'T BE THE SATAN ITSELF. I am currently in no HOCD mode because i relapsed again few hours ago, if I tried to write this while I was under full influence of it, it would be impossible to do because of huge amount of doubt. While typing this i would probably be thinking thigs like am I really thinking like this or am I in denial etc.

MY REBOOTING ATTEMPTS

I am trying to reboot for two months now, but I never got further than 8 days of no PMO. I am having huge problems stoping with porn since my HOCD is making me check mine reactions to straight/shemale/gay porn all the time. But anyways, 8 days of nofap is something I haven't done i 7 years, so it is a huge success to me. As for weird fantasies, they arouse me less and less, now they are even slightly disgusting. Shemales arouse me waaaay less than they did before I first tried no PMO and I can finally get erections to normal straight porn in a matter of 20-30 seconds without any hand stimulation, that was UNIMAGINABLE three months ago. Also mine HOCD is getting weaker and weaker, then when it peaks I just have to relapse and then it goes away again for some time before it gets back again and forces me to test my sexual orientation by watching some more porn, which inevitably ends up in another relapse.

RELAPSES

During relapses I just feel like I have been possessed, mine willpower just implodes and I feel like i am being in cage forced to see another relapse. Best description is that mine mind just goes in zombie mode, but instead of saying "BRAAAAINS" it says "JUUUST ONE MOOORE TIMEEE". I laugh when an ignorant person writes something like "porn addiction is not real get a girlfriend wankers", i now truly understand how narcotic abusers feel like. I have some friends with drug issues and i can now fully relate to their failed attempts to get off drugs, every time I relapse I fully indentify mine zombie mode with theirs ("JUUUST ONE MOOORE TIMEEE").

I also noticed that after relapse I feel exhausted both mentally and physically, mine mind feels like it is out of focus and i get a slight headache and mine body just gets weak and I have strange sensation in mine chest that I can best describe as something between emptiness and lack of breath.

This is all I can remember at this time, if anyone identifies with mine situation, you are welcome to ask any questions you have. Good luck and I hope we will get out of this.

Comments

I haven't planed to update so quickly, but i do this more because of things I want to add to mine first post.
As for mine current situation, I can say I feel like a shell at the moment - I am without motivation to do anything, just plain lifeless. Mine last relapse contained of 2 PMO sessions and after that I have lost all energy I had gathered during last short reboot attempt. I noticed that is usually day 3 or day 4 on no PMO when mine energy and confidence starts to build up, at that time I can't recognize myself - I get literally hyperactive, I spend two hours a day working out, and three to four hours learning or doing something usefull in contrast to "zombie mode" after PMO when all I do is play video games or some other time wasting activity.
Well, that update on mine first post that I wanted to write about is about withdrawal.
Mine withdrawal symptoms are following:
INSOMNIA
I used to have some sleeping problems anyways, but I "cured" them by masturbating. For me masturbation is like natural sleeping pill, if I couldn't fall asleep i would just whack off and be sleeping like a baby 15 minutes later.
HOCD
I wrote about this in mine last post, this is probably worst OCD case in my life along with testicle cancer OCD I had last year. I have mild HOCD at the moment but I guess it will press up on me really bad somewhere around day 5 or 6 no PMO.
As I said, it was mostly caused by shemale porn, interesting thing is that while it gave me the boost I needed I never had HOCD - If I would hear someone saying that watching shemale porn means that you are gay I would probably say something like: "than I am the gayest gay on the planet earth, I damn love them", but when they stopped giving me the boost and there was no more porn turning me on the HOCD kicked in with full force.
Mind is simply more than the most astonishing thing and I think that we humans will never be capable of understanding it, I can't believe mine mind is using HOCD as a tool for making me feed its addiction. I have a 7 year experience with OCD and I truly know all of its horrors and I can barely cope with HOCD, I can only imagine how does it feel to someone who has never experienced anything similar.
URGES
During the times when I have troubles at abstaining from PMO I would describe the urge more as the urge to watch porn and masturbate than true horniness. I would also add that I probably damaged mine penis sensitivity because of rough techniques used during masturbation (sometimes I squeezed it so hard i couldn't ejaculate). I cant remember the way it was before but now sometimes it feels like it is not mine part of the body, although during rebooting attempts I think I regained some sensitivity.
ACNE
Since I kicked PMO and expelled sugar from mine diet mine acne got really really really better, I think that both of those things aggravated mine acne but I believe that the porn did most of the job. At some times of my life when I had the worst acne outbreaks i remember masturbating averagely three to four times a day.

CONCLUSION
I really messed my life up, it is funny how the addictions sneak up on you from the sides you would never expect it to come. Because of mine OCD and traumatic past I was always prone to addictions but since I am very self aware person (atleast I consider myself so) I easily kept alcohol, nicotine and weed addictions at check, sometimes allowing myself to get hooked and the moment I would feel it is gripping me too tightly I would simply stop until I feel there is no more addiction, but I never ever considered the possibility that I am hooked to porn.
I can remember that at some points I became aware of that but I would deny it to myself because I didn't want to get rid of it.
I remember one time I tried to get off porn, I barely held out for three days, and then I decided to discard the fact I was addicted and I went back to porn (at that time I didn't even have HOCD so it was way easier to abstain than now).

Hello, during the last five days I discovered some very important things about coping with HOCD. I will share them with you.
GETTING THE THOUGHTS OUT
Since I opened mine rebooting account I realized that things are a lot easier when I write them down, so whenever I get HOCD spike I start to write down the feelings affecting me. Mine philosophy behind this is - if you think over and over about the obsession the thoughts stay in your head and get stronger and stronger with each moment, but when you start getting those thoughts out of your head, even in a form of a virtual confession the things get way easier. The conclusion is, every problem gets less serious when you share it with someone.
TRUE CAUSE OF OCD
But even more important conclusion, if not the most important conclusion about OCD I came to is - OCD IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL.
That conclusion was really in front of mine nose for the last seven years, but I was never aware of it until I started analyzing mine OCD and its roots. Again, writing down mine feelings was of a BIG help.
The thing is that the obsession itself is not nearly frightening as the thought that you might lose control over your life. Think about it:
- The HOCD sufferer is not afraid of being gay, he is in fact afraid of losing control over his sexuality and his life being altered in a way he doesn't want to, specifically his sexual orientation being changed against his will.
- The person with health related OCD is not scared of being sick as much as it is afraid of getting their life being taken over by illness.
- The person with relationship OCD is not being afraid of actually losing the relationship, they are being afraid of possibility that they may not be able to fall in love ever again after being hurt or not finding another adequate partner, thus living their lives alone, which is their life being altered in a way they don't want to.
These claims are completely foolish (well, except the health one - our health is mastering us, not the other way around) because my friend, YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!
Lets talk about HOCD for example, obviously if you are on this thread there is great chance of you being afflicted by it.
Read this very well, and of course try to not over analyze if you can or it WILL backfire.
You may truly be gay, straight, pansexual, asexual, bisexual or any other possible sexual orientation, but you MUST realize - sexual orientation is expressed through sexual behavior which is controlled by guess who - YOU!
As I said few sentences ago HOCD sufferers are actually being afraid of their sexual orientation being changed, this happens because they love women and want to be with them and still they are afraid of the possibility of not being attracted to them, but attracted to men instead.
The OCD is an illogical illness and the sufferer in the time of spike will never realize the following:
- If you want to be with women, then no force on the earth will make you to turn your back to them against your will. If you want to be with them then go and be with them, if you want to be with men than go and be with men (the second part of the sentence sounds horrifying, yeah I know). Do what you want to do because you control your behavior, not HOCD.
- If you were truly gay, would the thoughts cause you so much distress and discomfort? If you were gay you would just enjoy these thoughts and go with the flow. You would realize you like men and accept it just like you accepted your unwanted fetishes when you got hooked on porn.
- Also (I think I wrote this before, but reading it again won't hurt) when on HOCD spike, you must understand that feeling is so real only because you try to resist it. For example, try not to look at your feet and repeat this few times in your head - in a minute you will feel significant urge to look at your feet. Same thing is when it comes to checking out men in order to determine whether you are attracted to them or not. Few days ago I was doing exactly the same thing and looking for an answer to the forever question for HOCD sufferers - "am I attracted to him", and at one point I just said - I am tired of this, I don't care anymore. I spent the next hour staring at women and not checking out men and finding them attractive.
HOW I REALIZED ALL OF THIS
Well, I guess that a person with really stubborn HOCD case like mine will eventually read this post and say "how does this guy know all of this, is he making it up?". I will answer you question.
I found these answers when instead of asking questions about mine obsession I started to ask myself questions about mine OCD. I was literally pounding mine OCD with questions even more vigorously than it pounded me. For every "why?" I found the answer, and after thousands of questions answered, I finally found the root of everything - the obsessive wish to control every aspect of mine life.
Before continuing I want to add a little more of mine personal history. I find it hard to talk about but after all these years I have to get over it because I am young and there is life ahead of me and I don't want to drag this with me forever.
When I was kid I had Leukemia, and the treatment lasted for eight months. As you can guess the treatment was long and painful. I had absolutely no control over mine painful and miserable life at the moment. When it was all finally over I swore to myself I will never again allow myself to lose control over my life like that even if the cost of avoiding it meant suicide. Since then, the wish, no that is not the right word - the NEED to control mine life slowly started to become the part of mine personality and subconsciousness.
There I found the root of mine OCD problems, I always knew there was the connection, but couldn't really place mine finger on what was it exactly.
I know that this is not the OCD help support forum, but I think this story will be of vital importance to someone somewhere.
That is it for mine OCD, I won't be talking any more about it because I think I wrote everything that needed to be written and now that I made these breakthroughs I feel that things will be a lot easier from now on in mine life.
If someone has more questions about it, post your question in a comment.
REBOOTING PROCESS
I recovered from last relapse and mine energy levels are getting back up again. Mine last rebooting attempts and significant cutting down on porn and masturbation improved mine ED a lot. On average day I get 3 to 4 hard erections, with exceptions on few days after relapsing when I get one of two erections if any.
But the catch is - I can look at a hot girl and feel some sexual attraction, but nothing happens. Best description is a car with no gearbox, motor is working at full strength but the car isn't going anywhere. I believe this is called flatline. I sometimes get urges to watch porn, somewhere I would read or hear something that reminds me of some porn star that I used to get off to and I would get an erection and big urge to masturbate. I guess I must wait for mine brain to lose all wiring to porn, and then wire back to real women which I guess will take very very very long time.

This is the period when mine energy gets back up again, today I was hyperactive when compared to last few days. I studied for five hours, went out and planned to go to the gym but didn't had enough time to do it. Also, mine HOCD is coming back up along with mine energy. Since I had those breakthroughs about mine OCD that I mentioned earlier it was a lot easier to cope with it, but still I did some compulsions, the result is - I almost relapsed.
HOCD COMPULSIONS
I took a look at a screen while a friend of mine played World Of Warcraft and I caught a glimpse of his characters thighs, it was the first place mine eyes fell on and I thought wow, that's some good thighs - then I realized it was a male Elf. I didn't like the Elf as a whole, it was just he had well developed thighs that looked feminine. Anyways, that was more than enough to trigger another HOCD spike. When I got home I googled some Elf pictures to re-check whether am I attracted to them or not (I know how ridiciouls this sounds, but if you have HOCD this is a serious situation, I could have skipped this story but I find it important to be completely sincere), of course I didn't find the Elves attractive and then I googled the female Elf pictures and I found them attractive. Even though I fulfilled the compulsion I went on and checked out whether I like the emo boys or emo girls, again the same thing - I liked females (even got an erection) and disliked males, but anyways I went on until I looked at some straight sex and gay sex pictures and then I luckily snapped out of it. It felt like it snapped out of a dream, mine reaction was "WTF MAN HOW THE F**K I GOT MYSELF INTO THIS SITUATION AGAIN". I immediately closed the browser and moved on to doing something useful. If I hadn't installed the K9 safe browser on mine computer and phone I would relapse for sure because I would have moved on to checking with porn which is a point of no return.
After viewing those pictures mine HOCD went down for a few hours - which is another proof that HOCD is porn withdrawal symptom, if I stopped at the non-sexual pictures it wouldn't go away, but after viewing those sex pictures it went away.
Another spike was after the manic phase of high energy, which I used for studying and doing some chores. When I had literally no more things to do, mine HOCD came back again. While taking a shower I had urge to try out anal stimulation in order to check whether or not I am gay. I tried it out - the feeling was okay eventhough I didn't like it. The physical sensation was the same if I would stimulate any other body part which had a million nerve endings like fingertips, lips or anything similar. I tried to imagine that it was the man penetrating me, but still nothing - it was purely physical, nothing more than taking a toothbrush and tickling mine feet with it. There was no magical feeling of being turned on like masturbating to a thought of a girl. So, again I concluded I am not gay and mine HOCD went away after the stimulation (another example that HOCD is just mine mind looking for ways of making me sexually stimulate myself). Bottom line is - I find it hard to resist HOCD compulsions even though I learned a hell of a lot about OCD. I am a bad example, and I will repeat one very important thing again -
RESIST THE COMPULSIONS AS MUCH AS YOU CAN AND DONT LOOK UP TO ME!
CONCLUSION
This rebooting attempt is going way better than the last one even though I relapsed on porn pictures, I am trying to resist the HOCD but failing although I am resisting 75% of it. In the following days, I can expect it only to get worse as I spend more and more time away from porn. But this time I am hell-bent to get past the fifteenth day of no PMO, the period after which most people report PMO urges to get weaker - after that I think that HOCD should diminish significantly. That's it people, bye and good luck with your no PMO efforts :)

CURRENT PROGRESS
Hi guys, mine efforts with no PMO are doing much much better than the last time. I owe most of it to YBOP, whenever I get near relapsing or when I am on HOCD spike I just come here and read mine day one post and instantly think about how much is the "first day rebooting" me going to be angry at myself tomorrow if I relapse.
I am doing my best to resist looking at porn pictures in order to reassure myself - or should I say feeding mine HOCD. I still cant resist checking by fantasizing, but I hope I will be able to resist it soon. Today is day seven of no PMO and I desperately want to reach day fifteen, it will be such a triumph.
COPING WITH HOCD
I found one more way of beating HOCD spikes. There is this one girl at school that I fancy - she is so cute that I can't imagine her smiling without me starting to smile as well, so whenever I am overrun by HOCD thoughts I just think about her and get better in a matter of seconds.
I also educated myself on hormonal causes of OCD, apparently cause of it is lack of serotonin and extra dopamine in your brain.
Dopamine is a hormone of motivation, it gives you the feeling of needing something, and also it is the hormone responsible for developing addictions.
Serotonin is a hormone of pleasure, it gives you feeling of pleasure when you accomplish something.
Well, basically HOCD is an urge to seek out proofs that will reassure you heterosexuality, but the thing is - if the God himself came down from heavens and said to you that you are not gay you still couldn't be convinced that you are straight for more than ten minutes.
In other words dopamine causes you to seek our reassurance but when you finally find it there won't be enough serotonin to make you feel pleasure, so you get stuck in a never ending torment.
As a proof to this statement, I would add that when I workout (working out releases loads of serotonin) I never get HOCD spikes. Mine mind is simply not in "OCD mode", when I finish working out I try to self induce a HOCD spike but I am simply unable to - I just say something to me like "OMG cut it with the crap already you are not gay" and that's it, no intrusive thoughts, no need to check it, no more secondary questions. I also noticed that when I sleep more i am less prone to HOCD spikes. I decided to sleep regularly and workout and study more because those activities definitely suppress mine HOCD.
ATTRACTIONS
Now that mine HOCD is getting weaker I am finally able to think more clearly.
As for romantic attraction, I am most definitely romantically attracted to girls - I love thinking about cuddling with them, holding hands, having intimate talks with them, I would love to have a woman with which I would raise kids with. Thinking about doing those things with a man is simply wrong, there is no warm fuzzy feeling just plain awkwardness.
As for sexual attraction I am still kinda confused and I believe I owe the gratitude to shemale porn. I love big boobs and curves and I am turned off by masculinity. When trying to think about being with a hairy sweaty manly man it just feels gross, man skin is just filthy. On the other hand when I think about sweaty girl it is hot.
The catch is, I love femininity, but I am attracted both to male and female genitalia and I firmly believe it is caused by shemale porn.
Before shemale porn I had absolutely no attraction to male genitalia, but after two years on it I find s**cking off a shemale rather arousing.
THOUGHTS ON SHEMALE PORN
If vanilla porn would be beer, I would say that shemale porn would be heroin. It messes with your head so bad because it makes your mind confuse sexual cues of men and women, I would warmly recommend to anyone watching shemale porn to lay off it before it screws with their mind.
I remember seeing a shemale porno when I just started with porn, back then it was just not right to see woman with a penis. If someone back then said to me I will be addicted to it I simply could not believe it. I just hope that I will back in normal after the reboot, mine mind is so f**ked up.

Hello, there isn't much to tell except that HOCD is pressing really hard on me. I have urge to PMO. I had several HOCD spikes today, it is funny how the mind always finds a way to make everything look like you are gay.
First spike happened when I woke up, I had a dream of a girl pushing boobs in mine face and I was grossed out because the boobs were wrinkled and had huge nipples. They kinda looked like granny boobs. When I woke up mine mind bombarded me with thoughts like "why were you grossed out, this proves you are gay". To mine mind it didn't matter that I love boobs and that when I am next to a girl I always try to find a way to touch her boobs, and that was the beginning of mine first HOCD spike today.
Second HOCD spike occurred in a waiting room, I got a random erection (I will talk later about ED improvements) and in the room there were a woman with a child and an old couple. I was happy because of the spontaneous erection, but mine mind was like "you got it because of that old man over there". Luckily I was distracted few moments later. Again, mine mind discarded the fact that I eyeballed like 30 girls on the street on mine way to the doctors office and tried to convince me that the erection was because of the old man which I was attracted to equally as I am attracted to chairs and newspapers in the waiting room.
Third spike began maybe two hours ago when I started checking with photos over and over again. I almost relapsed when I got erected to photos of some girl but I managed to snap out of it before the disaster occurred.
As I supposed, the HOCD is getting progressively worse as I spend more and more time away from PMO.
Day eight is the longest time I went without PMO, I was two times before on day eight and I sadly relapsed due to massive spikes of HOCD. I think I won't relapse tonight and I hope that in seven days I will be on long awaited day 15.
The good news are that I am getting mine erectile health back. I am still only able to get erected to pictures and fantasies, but I am getting spontaneous erections more and more often. I get most erections about two hours after waking up, under condition that I wake up early in the morning.
As for PMO urges, they got way weaker than they were. I believe that is due to the fact that I installed K9 blocker on mine laptop and phone and even if I tried to PMO I would have hard time getting material extreme enough to get me off.
I have absolutely no attraction to men. But mine mind sometimes convinces me that I am attracted to men because I have some kind of attraction to older men who are successful in some way that I want to be successful at also (etc. some martial arts trainer that knows hell of a lot about fighting, and I am into martial arts etc. etc.). The attraction isn't like sexual or emotional attraction, but more like the feeling that I want to know them better and learn from them. I think that this is exactly what is called worship or respect, but when you have HOCD this is more than enough to give you HOCD spike which will last for hours.
Anyways, I hope that you don't mind that I am writing so often, I am doing it because it helps me a lot at staying away from PMO and coping with HOCD.

I finally broke the eight day record and I am very confident about mine rebooting attempt, I fell that I will manage to get to the day 90. At the moment I have no urges to watch porn and I believe I am entering the flatline, it has been all day and I didn't get a single erection. Three days ago mine erections were peaking, but after that they began to decline in quantity, and here I am today.
HOCD IS FINALLY DYING
About HOCD, since I opened the rebooting account it is a lot easier to cope with HOCD. Every day of the last nine days I had a mini breakthrough in defeating HOCD.
Today, I can freely say after 64 days of horror that mine HOCD is in dying phases. Yesterday I realized that mine "desire" for penis is actually false, I remembered that few months ago I had OCD spike about being alcoholic and during that period I regularly craved alcohol. After the alcoholic OCD went away and another cancer OCD began I had no cravings for alcohol whatsoever. At that moment something in mine mind clicked and I just said, "God damn it I can't believe I fell for the same trick twice". I was aware that OCD can cause false sensations (brain cancer = daily dizziness, testicle cancer = daily testicle pain, and so on and so on...), but I never thought it can create false desires. I had few mini HOCD spikes today but I was able to shake them off in a second, mine mind just simply went out of the HOCD mode.
I lost seven years of mine life to PMO addiction and HOCD, and I am hell bent to deal with them now. I going to reboot and stay the hell away from porn now that I learned how destructive it is, but OCD is a whole another story and I swore to myself that next time I feel OCD about cancer, sexuality, relationship or whatever I will go and seek help immediately.
OTHER CHANGES
I know it is early to talk about changes, it is only day nine of mine reboot (if I count out 7-8 failed rebooting attempts) but I already feel some changes. I used to look at women like sexual objects, the only thing on mine mind was how to make a woman mine anal sex slave, but now I feel the focus of mine relationship with a girl shifting from sexual to emotional aspect.
Also, some of the things I used to get off to now seem slightly disgusting to me:
- Shemales seem kinda unnatural
- Anal sex is damn filthy
- I can't believe that few years back (even before I got into shemale stuff) I got off to two girls one cup video, the one man one jar also seemed like something I could get off to but I couldn't because it was a man doing it, I simply cannot believe that I was able to get off to so wicked stuff.
- Now imagining girl getting pleasured feels a lot better than imagining a girl getting ripped apart.
CONCLUSION
I feel that I am getting better, most of these improvements are probably caused by me entering the flatline, I am glad that it is finally happening because that means that mine brain is repairing itself from damage caused by porn addiction. I also had some POCD spikes in last few days and I am afraid of healing HOCD and then getting POCD, it sounds ironical but I want mine good old cancer OCD back :D

Well, I believe I am definitely hitting the flatline. I have no PMO urges, although I did get a porn flashback and had short lived urge to PMO (like 2 mins). As for erections, I had one semi erection this morning and another one when a girl I like sat on mine lap.
HOCD
It is like two steps forward one step back, it seems that I go two days with very very mild HOCD and then I get some bad spikes. As for today, spikes were not so bad. I had one this morning but nothing special.
I was glad that I got an erection from the girl sitting in mine lap but still I have that damn HOCD telling me like "what if that was false erection and what if once you accept your homosexuality you will start getting erections for guys and you will lose all attractions towards girls". Another thing that fuels mine HOCD is that about a week ago I read a statement of another guy talking about how he thought he was straight but after the reboot he realized that he was gay, that just creeps the hell out of me.
CHANGES
I realized that I have some other changes other than sexual tastes returning to normal and the things that turned me on before now seeming slightly disgusting.
I noticed drastic decrease in alcohol consumption. Before cutting back mine porn I used to get literally wasted about twice a week. Now I drink no more than once a week and drinking sessions contain no more than four to five beers per night (you can barely call it drinking session). Maybe this has something to do with mine alcoholic OCD spike that I got about 10 days before HOCD, I believe I had slight addiction to alcohol at that point because me and mine friends were drinking twice a week for about three months. The alcoholic OCD thing scared the shit out of me so I can't say for sure whether no PMO or the mini trauma from alcoholic OCD caused me to lose interest in drinking.
The other thing I noticed is that before no PMO I was always pale, like I was Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter. Now that I lost that paleness I regained some blush in mine face and now look like a healthy person instead of looking like a damn vampire.
Another thing that is definitely linked to OCD is lack of sleep, funny how I never thought before about it. During the summer I think I haven't had a single OCD spike because I had enough sleep at the time. Since the school started (thus I had to start getting up early and never had enough sleep due to insomnia) I had the following: throat cancer OCD, brain cancer OCD, oral cancer OCD, alcoholism OCD and finally HOCD (all in last five months), not to mention minor OCD spikes. When I decided to experiment with sleep, I noticed that whenever I am tired I get OCD spikes - on the other hand I noticed that whenever I am well rested I am able to shake off the thoughts.
So, to all OCD sufferers out there - try sleeping better, maybe it helps you a bit.
CONCLUSION
Since I got past day eight that was a breaking point for me (last three attempts relapsed on day eight) the things got a lot easier, I don't have those insane PMO urges and the need to constantly check HOCD with pictures, so I believe I will be able to get to day 15 - and after that sky is the limit. That is it for today's report. Goodbye and good luck.

Well guys, there isn't much to tell. Mine HOCD is subsiding, I don't have anxiety and panic attacks over it - it's like mine mind got use to it. I still do think about it over and over and over analyze stuff, so I go through periods of thinking that I am straight/bisexual/asexual/bicurious/turning gay. Now it feels more like confusion than real HOCD.
I have two good news for today, first one is that I got an erection from cuddling with a girl and the second one is that I had a long awaited spike of cancer OCD (HOORAAY!). Ironically, after this HOCD stuff I learned to appreciate mine cancer OCD - although it doesn't mean I won't seek help for it, it tortured me for long enough.
As for libido, I don't feel real sexual attraction towards anything or anyone. I mean I can conclude that someone is good looking but I don't feel any attraction, and that is fueling mine confusion at the moment because it makes mine mind easy to play by HOCD.
There isn't much more to tell at the moment and I will stop writing for a few days until I notice some more changes.

Hi people. There are lots of things that happened during the last two days that I want to talk about, also I found something that really helped me understand some things... Here we go.
THE WET DREAM
This was mine first wet dream EVER! Two nights in a row I had these sensations that I never experienced before, but the thing that worries me is that they were both about watching porn - or should I say I had a wet dream about PMO-ing, that just shows how strong is mine brain wired to porn.
First night I had dream of PMO-ing to shemale porn and when I was close to the finish I stopped and said "no way man, I said I won't do this ever again, I don't want to break the streak". It is funny that while dreaming I believed I was awake and in a middle of relapse. When I woke up I had insane urges and with it huge HOCD spikes but I managed to keep myself together. "It is the hard days that count".
Second night I had a dream of PMO-ing to straight porn and it was like "oh what the hell, I can do it just one more time", and I ejaculated. Then I woke up, still not aware of what is happening and I was like did I just relapsed or it was just a dream. Anyways, I won't count this as a relapse - if it counted this as a relapse I doubt anyone would manage to get to the day 90.
But the weird thing is that it left the same consequences as watching porn, lethargy, headache, no erections for the entire day.
HOCD
As for HOCD, it is getting weaker and weaker. The progress is slow but when you are stuck in this hell any progress counts.
Mine HOCD spikes are no longer me giving me the panic attacks they used to, although yesterday I had a minor spike over some nonsense that gave me panic attack that lasted for about ten minutes. Compared to the first HOCD spikes that gave me three to four hours of pure panic this is nothing.
The thing that spiked me yesterday was some laim joke about some guy coming back from college and telling his parents he is gay. The thing is I will soon go to college and I have a fear that I will turn gay there, honestly, I am afraid of going to college because of that.
As I said I just got used to the HOCD thoughts and they no longer give me the fear that they used to, I am kinda tired of them, when I get some intrusive thoughts about being gay mine reaction is like "oh, it's you again".
But, since the spikes stopped giving me the panic - I am constantly plagued by insecurity I will try to imitate mine train of thoughts when going down the street:
"oh man, I am repressed gay for su - WOAH SHE IS CUTE - now where was I, o yeah, I am repressed gay, that is why I don't like guys and everything I ever felt towards girls is fak - LOOK AT HER MAN, WOW -
wait, this wasn't fake am I bisexual ? Or is this HOCD just playing with me for the one thousand and first time and I am truly just straight? But I can't be straight what about --- INSERT RANDOM PROOF OF GAYNESS ---"
This train of thoughts just goes through mine head over and over again, but I guess it is just a phase mine HOCD has to go through before I die.
ATTRACTION TO MALE GENITALIA
Well, this is basically a part of mine HOCD but I had to give it a special paragraph. The thing is I am not sure what is this caused by, I know it wasn't a part of mine sexuality some time ago and that it is relatively new.
I believe it is caused by porn addiction, and there is a pretty good explanation for this. Let me copy the text that I found:
---
Those with HOCD- long term porn usage has conditioned your brain to associate the penis as a pleasurable object. You don't find men sexually attractive in real life but you think of a penis and your brain only knows to associate it with PLEASURE. So don't worry, you aren't gay, porn just fucked you up. It's healable. :)
---
This describes me pretty good - well shaped muscles, masculinity, nice beard and stuff like give me only the feelings of envy or admiration, they are not attractive to me (except when I am on a spike, then I could be attracted to anything mine mind throws at me)
Another thing that I noticed, when I am in no HOCD mode and I think of a penis it is nowhere near attractive, it is just another part of the body - but when I am on a spike it causes an explosion of anxiety in me and I get kinda aroused.
CONCLUSION
Tomorrow is the long awaited day 15 no PMO, I truly find girls more attractive and I don't turned off by small things like I used to (oh, look how hot she is - wait is that a mole on her neck, that is so disgusting, that is such a turn off).
I am not exactly in a flatline, but mine erections are kinda sporadic, I will get a few erections in an hour or so and then mine penis will shrink and go dead. I guess this is a normal part of the recovery.
HOCD, even in it's diminished form is still giving me trouble. I know I am not gay, I want to have a nice girlfriend with which I will cuddle all the time and be in love with her etc. etc...
The bad thing is that mine mind always finds a way to convince me I am gay, for example I will mentally check mine reactions to guys for the entire day and when I get a random erection it will go like "there you go, you are 100% gay, you got erected because of that checking two minutes ago". Or, while I was on martial arts class I was doing some wrestling with a friend that once gave me HOCD spike, at first mine mind threw stuff at me like "you will get turned on", while we wrestled it was all normal, nothing sexual or like that, just two friends wrestling. When I got home mine mind started to terrorize me again with thoughts like "you liked that didn't you". At worse, I believe I could be bi curious, but explain that to mine HOCD.

I finally got past the long awaited day fifteen. There are some new improvements and I am hitting the flatline.
FLATLINE
Looks like the wet dream I had four days ago threw me into the flatline, since then I have no urges to watch porn or masturbate, I also had very few erections and the only stimuli mine penis responds to is mine hand. Although, I have a lot of nocturnal erections and they usually happen before a wet dream occurs.
SECOND WET DREAM
Well, this is relatively new turf for me. I never had a wet dream before and now two wet dreams happened in four days, the good news are that the second wet dream wasn't about porn as the 10 previous ones were, this one was about me having sex with a girl. I guess things are getting back to normal.
HOCD
Since I entered the flatline I had almost no HOCD spikes, I only had about three to four minor panic attacks that didn't last longer than five minutes. After the HOCD horror I went through in January this seems like nothing.
The weird thing is that HOCD is still haunting me in my dreams. During the night I often find myself checking in mine dreams (wtf!?), for example I will have crazy dreams of solving math issues and mine sexual orientation depends on the result (wtf again!?). Last night was really tough for me, during the day I had no HOCD spikes but when I tried to sleep I found myself waking up every 30 minutes or so thinking about being bisexual. I had a weird state of a semi-lucid dream when I decided that it is the perfect time to check out am I bisexual or not - I dreamed about tasting mine own ejaculation and I was like "omg why the hell am I dreaming about this it is gross", and then I tried to experiment with a guy and every single mental image of a man mine mind projected caused disgust in me.
This is clear evidence that I am not into men - I mean how suppressed do you have to be in order to be disgusted about having sex with men even in your dreams. Anyways, I had a minor HOCD spike this morning about it - even though I was disgusted about it even while dreaming, mine HOCD was still trying to convince me that I am bisexual ("your reaction doesn't matter, if you were truly straight you wouldn't have dream like that").
CONCLUSION
I am getting better and this flatline thing will only help me to get through this easier. I am on day 16 and I have no plans of going back to porn - ever.
I witnessed how destructive and addictive this porn can be, with things like that you can never be to careful and I believe that even after a year one video could easily send me on a binge and bring me back to the addiction.
As for masturbation, I have nothing against it because it is completely natural thing to do, and if you separate it from porn use I believe it can't cause you any harm (if you are moderate with it).

Hi guys, all I can say at this moment that I am waaaay better than I was 10 days ago. I had one major HOCD spike few days ago, I was checking and checking and then I ended up on Empty closets site. Well, for person with HOCD it is like a waking nightmare. I got a panic attack that lasted for about three hours. During that time I almost relapsed while watching some girls facebook photos. Luckily I snapped out of it at the last moment, so instead of full blown relapse I can classify it as "edging". During the time I edged I noticed how tightly I held mine penis, it was literally a death grip. The good thing is, instead of breaking mine will, this near catastrophic scenario gave me even more strength to keep it up to the day 90.
FLATLINE
I am definitely in a flatline, I have days with no erections at all. It feels really bad, like all of mine masculinity was taken from me. At some situations when I would normally get erected I get the feeling in mine penis which I would describe as "a knocked out kickboxer which can't get back on his feet". There is a girl I am, well you can say I am in love with her and when I am with her I get this warm feeling of pleasure but there is simply no erection.
HOCD
Well, after that spike I mentioned, everything got a lot better. I even laughed at mine HOCD on one occasion. I could say that 99% of it went away, sometimes it tries to get back but I just say something like "go away bitch", and it goes away.
ATTRACTION TO MALE GENITALIA
All I can say is that it went away - why did it go away? Did it just fade away as I got away from the porn? Is it the flatline? Or was it simply all in mine head due to HOCD? Who knows, I guess I will never find out the answer - the important thing is that it went away and I hope it won't be coming back. EVER.
CONCLUSION
I am doing well, I guess I will be in a flatline for quite some time since mine addiction was a bad one. Flatline has its pros and cons, it is scary and I am in it for just a few days, but on the other side - how the hell would I get to day 90 with those insane porn cravings. I am looking forward to getting to the other side of the dark flatline tunnel, ONWARD TO DAY 90!

Hi people, I really don't have any news at the moment. I am making this post because I need to write about a topic that, I hope, will be useful to lots of people, so I need to write about it before I forget about it.
ACNE AND MO
There are a lot of topics on the internet that argue about existence of the link between acne and masturbation. For years I have been trying to find a reason of mine bad acne, I thought that it may be caused by PMO addiction but never gave it much thought - well, sincerely I was afraid that it is true and then I would have to choose between getting off porn or living with bad acne.
For me, the link between masturbation and acne DEFINITELY exists. As I mentioned I dropped sugar addiction at same time as porn addiction. Since then 90% of mine acne vanished. I ate sweets on few occasions and there was no outbreak, maybe one or two small pimples - but when I edged few days ago - HOLY SHIT ACNE INVASION.
Mine skin got oily in a matter of minutes, I cleaned mine face and took a shower but it got oily again. Tomorrow when I woke up, I had few big pimples along mine jawline and bunch of goddamn zits on mine back. I edged somewhere around four days ago, jawline acne disappeared, but those big zits on mine back are still there, and they hurt like hell.
Bottom line - Masturbation = Acne, certainly not for everyone tho, but I bet there is a lot of people who have the same problem.

I voluntarily relapsed to MO today. The reason for deciding to do that is that I noticed HOCD coming back, and the only thing that can temporarily kill mine OCD is - tobacco, alcohol, porn, or anything that will jack up mine dopamine and serotonine.
At this point, I can't talk about anything, I feel broken,doomed,suicidal. Everything I can say is that I will go on to day 90 no P(MO), and I will be posting here a lot less often than I used to because I am getting addicted to forums, we don't need another addiction at this point :)

After that relapse on MO I got the chaser effect and relapsed on porn, after that I relapsed few more times.
I am starting second attempt at reaching day 90, but this time I will be more realistic - I will give up porn, but I will stick with MO - although I will limit it to once in 15 days.
So, am I back to square one?
No way, I experienced a lot of benefits from no PMO. I got rid of HOCD and mine sexual tastes reverted (no shemale/penis attraction).
HOCD was easy to kill, the thing that kept it running was mild forum addiction I developed because of it - HOCD and forum addiction were two things that reinforced each other. I couldn't get rid of HOCD, so I got rid of foruming and BOOM - HOCD went away.
As for sexual tastes - I can now get off to completely straight porn, even solo girls, but the best thing is that shemales now don't get me off at all.
What are mine current goals and problems ?
As I said, I am shooting at 90 days no porn with occasional MO.
I consider occasional MO a necessary harm, it will help me get rid of some tension, but it will keep mine addiction alive longer and it could potentially spark another porn binge.
Erectile dysfunction and lack of libido are mine biggest problems at the moment, but I guess only time can heal those two.
I also have to keep an eye on forum abuse, every time I start looking up forums it results in foruming binge and inevitably, another HOCD spike. I will update mine rebooting account only once per week because of that.
What have I learned ?
Porn addiction is a true addiction, and anyone who claims differently is an ignorant blind man. I keep relapsing to it even though I promised myself to stop watching it for dozens of times, I am fully aware of acne breakouts it causes me and tremendous guilt and depression I get after relapse, but it still can't keep me from going back to it - that is how addicted I am.
That's it for now, you will hear from me in a week :)

Change of plans, damn I am so ashamed of myself! I simply can't go without porn for more than few days! I just relapsed again.
The thing is, I can't believe how hard is it to get off the porn, I am using all of mine willpower but I simply can't stop thinking about it. I have no problem coping with cravings, but about every few days I get a HOCD spike which compels me to check with porn
(If you never experienced HOCD you will probably think this is an excuse, but it's not, it is mental illness which I hope you will never go through). As you can guess, checking with porn gets things out of hands, all it takes is a little spark and mine willpower crumbles to dust.
On the other hand, I have great news!
It seems that I have lost shemale fetish. When I think of shemale porn and that gay fantasy that got me off and started this HOCD hell, I can't help but to ask myself how the hell did that arouse me!?
Also, last time I binged. I had no urges to watch shemale porn. But as the binge continued, I found the idea more and more appealing. The thing is, I didn't want to watch shemale because I craved it, I wanted to get that rush again - mine thoughts were literally "damn man, these chicks don't get me off anymore, lets try the shemales again". At that point I knew I was losing it again and I stopped the binge.
The thing that gets me off now is bondage squirt porn, after years of shemale porn and two and a half months of hardcore HOCD this seems like a paradise.
Anyways, even though it is way better than mine last fetish it is nowhere near good, I just substituted bad fetish with less bad fetish, and if I would let mine guard down now - who the hell knows how deep will I go next time.
So, what is the conclusion?
Conclusion is, there is no way that I will beat this addiction without solving some underlying issues. I need to get some meds in order to get rid of the OCD and I need to find a girlfriend, until then, best I can do is limit the porn use.
Basically, I am giving up the no PMO effort. But the fight isn't over, it is just beggining. As I promised to myself and Gary, I will get rid of this addiction sooner or later.
Thank you YBOP for helping me realize lots of things, I owe a lot to this community and I am so sorry for not being able to give anything back to it.
I am temporarily retiring from the site.
Next time I check in, I hope I will do so in order to write mine success story, and I hope that one day I will be in a position to contribute to this site.
Goodbye guys, best wishes to all of ya :)

Hey guys, I just wanted to share something with you.
I went to psychiatrist and he confirmed I have PTSD and OCD, anyways he prescribed me alpazolam (xanax). Now, I have very, very mild symptoms of HOCD. Now I can think way clearer, it improved myappetite and I had some of the best sleeps of my life.

Also, now I know I am not gay or bi.
The thing is that HOCD makes everything look like you are gay. It uses natural ability of every human being to perceive another same sex person as attractive or unattractive.
Think about it, when you see two cars you can conclude which one looks better, when you see two dogs you can again conclude which one looks better, why would you be unable to apply the same to other men?
If you think that if you perceive another guy as attractive that means that you would sleep with him, I will just ask you if you have close family member that you perceive as good looking would you bang him/her (sorry if you got insulted, I had to make a point).

The second best thing is that I don't get so much anxiety from porn withdrawal so it is easier to keep myself from relapsing. So, if someone asks you how serious is porn addiction, say them that you know a guy that had to get on xanax in order to go through the withdrawal.

Bye guys, best wishes to all of ya.

HOCD is a sort of "psychological illusion." It can be very challenging. I'll link to your comment from the HOCD page in the FAQs.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

It has been a while since I made mine last update.
Situation is following:
HOCD definitely gone for quite some time now, it is clear that it wasnt a part of "coming out" process, it was just a psychological illness caused by porn withdrawal. I wont write anything else about it, because honestly I dont even want to think about that part of mine life that I could describe as hell itself, and I wouldnt be exaggerating.
Erections are back at 100% (except for a few days after watching porn)... Damn I remember those times when I was hitting the rock bottom of porn addiction, there wasnt a thing in the world that would give me an erection. I couldnt get it up with hand stimulation, same thing with girls and imagination. I could get only semi-erections when watching porn. Now, I can get 100% erected with hand, thoughts, sometimes I even get a random erection. Also, a peck on the cheek from a girl is enough to get me erected :D
As for abstaining from porn... That is not going well. I significantly lowered the amount of porn I watch, now I watch porn maybe once per week or even less. The thing is I CAN do better and I WANT to do better, but the addiction is holding me back. Addiction is way weaker than it was few months ago, but it is still strong enough to interfere with mine life. Alcohol plays a big role in keeping the porn addiction alive. I can describe alcohol as a catalyst for mine other addictions. For example, if I drink as much as two beers I will probably end up smoking a pack of cigarettes, binging on porn, binging on alcohol and eating a ton of chocolate. Otherwise, sugar, tobacco and porn addictions are in check and I almost always consume them when I drink. I am trying to avoid alcohol but since it is a huge part of social life in mine area that is kinda a hard thing to do.
As for acne - there is a clear connection between porn and acne. More porn = bad breakouts - Less porn = paper clear skin.
That is it folks - Bottom line is I got off the rock bottom and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel :)

Dealing with porn addiction really opened mine eyes about my life. Since then I made quite a few decisions that improved quality of mine life - and few days ago I made a decision that I was hesitating to make for quite some time now - I dropped alcohol and tobacco. I finally acknowledged to myself something that I knew for quite some time now, that mine alcohol abuse wasnt simply a bad habit and that mine drinking patterns are most definitely risky. It was 15 days since mine last beer and cigarette and I am doing good at staying away from them. While struggling with porn addiction I managed to drop another addiction - sugar. It was more than a month since the last time I had a taste of chocolate or something like that.
Now, back to the porn addiction. Dropping alcohol and tobacco for the last two weeks definitely confirmed something that I already knew - that mine addictions are reinforcing each other. Porn cravings are maybe even 70% weaker than the cravings I experience when I smoke and drink.
I managed to get to know myself during the past seven months, and I concluded that besides obsessive compulsive disorder I definitely have obsessive compulsive PERSONALITY disorder. That basically means that whatever I do I get obsessed with it and after some time it changes into a habit that I cannot easily get rid of (you can call it addiction).
So, for you that dont know - getting rid of personality disorder is something that is near to impossible, it is simply a part of you, so instead of fighting it I embraced it and started replacing bad habits with good habits. So, since I dropped bad habits suprisingly I started learning and working out compulsively, I agree that doing anything compulsively is a bad thing - but it is way better to spend mine days studying and working out than drinking, smoking and binging on porn.
I am moving away from mine home in few months because I managed to get on the university that I dreamed of, so I guess that this part of mine life is a perfect opportunity to leave the shitty part of mine life behind and finally move forward.
I believe that somewhere on this site I read a statement that says something like "addictions are not the causes of you unhapiness, they are the symptom of it", at first I doubted it, but now that symptoms (addictions) are under control, I can clearly understand the reasons behind them and finally confront them.
So, basically in the last seven months I went from a hopeless, frustrated loser with major lack of esteem and confidence to somewhat confident, motivated and optimistic man.
Getting your life back to your control feels good, thank you YBOP :)