Age 19 - ED, reflections on changes
High point: a week about 40 days in when I found myself going around school with the bravado to engage with almost every beautiful girl I saw. Knowing those "superhuman powers" for the first time and aspiring to them ever since.
Low point: the week right after, when I hit a flatline. Depression, darkness, and self-doubt on a new level. Didn't leave my dorm. During that period I rationalized that edging would be healthy by waking up the sexual part of my brain but that likely just set me back.
Things I learned about myself: I had/have porn-induced ED and a variety of negative associations with orgasm: anxiety, being alone, boredom. That's what I think is so scary about internet porn: we physiologically associate humans' best feeling with a really negative state of mind that mixes guilt, shame, and lust. Don't think I ever achieved a full erection until now...
Things I learned about the world: Pheromones.
New activities: working out at the gym, trying to meditate, cooking.
Advice to new fapstronauts: don't edge + fantasize. I figure whatever slight dopamine kick I got from that slowed progress rate by about 50%. Part of why I think I need to go at this again at some point.
Where I was 90 days ago: Apathetic. Interested in romance on an abstract level but no drive to go out and make contact with girls. Living in a fantasy world.
Where I am today: clear-minded and hard-working. Being around girls makes me feel more like myself. Still working on achieving a gf/PIV. Feeling kind of flat and tired today to be honest.
IMO biggest myth on nofap: for males, 0 masturbation turns you from a weak beta into a strong alpha, enabling you to go out and "get" girls. Yea I think nofap helps get you in tune with your nature-- alpha or whatevr-- but placing girls "out there" assumes a distance that must be overcome with a particular set of skills. What's truer to say is that nofap makes interacting with the opposite sex simply fucking natural. It's nothing to worry about
Questions: For non-"no fap forever" people: what's an ideal masturbation schedule and what should the mind do during masturbation? Is "healthy masturbation" eventually part of reaching that highpoint again? Or will that always be a contradiction in terms?
Concerns: I worry that I have been fapping for so long that my sexual health and experience is not unlike a middle-schooler's. I.e., still virgin but only really starting to feel like it. I wonder if I haven't fully reset.
Plans: Never going back to porn. Thinking I'll go off facebook, for related reasons. Might try and ease into a healthy masturbation schedule. Still would like to reward myself with one healthy, clear-minded fap but afterward I might head into a stricter nofap challenge. Treat this as a warm-up.
The takeaway: last 90 days was probably the most dramatic period of self-improvement in my life, w/ tangible emotional and physical results. At best, I feel like nofap was a passage into manhood. If not, then abstaining at least gave me a remarkably clear sense of the healthy and unhealthy things around me, and a way to go forward. Each time I fell back was an opportunity to isolate a weakness and overcome it.
LINK - 90-day NoFapRundown