Age 19 - HOCD: Do not underestimate porn addiction

Printer-friendly version

Hi guys, this is what I consider a half-success story. That means that I no longer have HOCD, sexual tastes reverting to normal, erections greatly improved, but porn addiction is nowhere near gone - I would describe it as a wounded beast. Sorry for bad English, any triggering content I will write, and sorry if anyone gets insulted by any words and statements I have - I don't want anyone to get insulted, but I want you to learn from what I have learned, and not to make the same mistakes I did. I will begin mine story.

After months of continuous agony due to this so called "HOCD", I finally managed to accept myself as a homosexual now I have sex with other men and I love it. NOT!

To all of you who got spiked while reading this, welcome to HOCD sufferers club. Yes, I know, HOCD is hell, it blurs the line between world of obsessions, or should I say world of nightmares and the real world. As a long time OCD sufferer I know a thing or two about it. I suffered due to OCD for about seven years or so, but I am being under treatment now and finally after all those years I can see the world cleaner.

So, you say it feels so real, yeah bro, welcome to the club.

You say that maybe we are all living a lie and that our obsessions are real, yeah man, tell me about it.

You are going to google it in order to get some assurance about your obsessions, been there done that, it doesnt help man.

If you are seeking knowledge about a method that will make you 100% sure about your sexual orientation, you aint going to find any because no such thing exists.
The thing is, even if the God himself came down from the heavens and gave you the answers you were looking for, it would just give you temporary relief and in ten minutes you would find yourself back at square one.

Do not underestimate OCD, it is mind cancer. OCD thoughts CAN and WILL overpower you, here you can see how screwed up i was http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-19-ed-hocd-getting-better

If you believe you have it - go and seek help immediately. If I had only went to psychiatrist seven years ago mine life would be so much better, I literally  lost seven years of mine life to OCD.

Something worth mentioning is that HOCD could be porn withdrawal. For me it definitely was - after few days of no porn I would be plagued by HOCD thoughts, I would be in constant panic attack mode, then I would go back to porn and after binging I would just say to myself "oh man I am such an idiot, I cant believe I fell for the same trick again". Also, there is lot of guys claiming that HOCD is indeed a part of porn withdrawal syndrome. Oh, did I mention that I had no sexual orientation doubts until I tried to quit porn and then the HOCD began - coincidence ?

Porn use escalates in different ways for everyone. For me, it went like this.

  • At first I was aroused by anything that included nude girls, or atleast partially nude. At that time it was mostly photos.
  • Then I moved on to videos, same pattern, I liked everything with girls in it. I was able to whack of even to music videos if the singer was hot.
  • About five years ago I developed "pussy licking fetish", I was crazy about licking female genitalia.
  •  moved on to lesbians, I loved them.
  • Then I got bored by vaginas, I started to watch exclusively anal porn. Vaginas were just boring to me.
  • At this point the material I was watching was starting to be more and more humiliating for a girl, two girls one cup video was something I fapped to at that point.
  • After some time classic hardcore porn was boring to me, I wanted to see that girl being choked by huge dick in her mouth while being double anal penetrated. I wanted to see that girl suffer
  • Then, after being desensitized by all "normal" porn I got into shemale porn world. It was a whole new world. I was desensitized to Asian girls, black girls, anal porn, oral porn - but not to kathoeys, black shemales and so on - it was a whole new world of porn to explore. This fetish held out for quite some time - two years or so.
  • Six months ago I found myself completely desensitized to shemale porn, there literally wasn't a video of a good shemale being fucked that I havent fapped of to atleast twice - I literally whacked off just for a sake of it to videos that weren't even getting me off. I knew how deep I was in this shit when I started browsing Heavy-r.com for porn.
  • When I realized I have so-called "penis fetish" - this was the rock bottom. Mine theory is that after years of shemale porn mine brain started to recognize penis as a female sex organ (after all, I     though of shemales as a CHICKS with dicks). There are a lot of guys with same fetish and this is considered the rock bottom of porn addiction, only thing worse than this is acting out on porn       addiction - that opens the world of hookers, financial problems and STDs.

The good news is, If you have acquired some fetishes that do not match your sexual orientation/moral beliefs, you can revert them. If you just give your brain a rest from overstimulating material it will start to rewire itself to its natural preference. If you have HOCD and penis fetish at the same time, then I will just say that I am sorry for you man, I was there and it wasn't pretty. But look on the bright side - you WILL be better.

Now, lets talk about the forever questions - is watching shemale porn gay? This question has no definite answer, but I will try to answer it the best I can.
Transsexual people do not fit in male/female binary so it is hard to answer are they male or female. Basically, MTF (male to female) transsexuals are women, except for one part, same works in reverse for FTM (female to male) transsexuals.

Also, it is important to understand that genitals are only body parts, people like other people, not body parts. Good example is that a lot of straight people that loves feet will be attracted to both male and female feet.

Gay men like masculinity.

Straight men like feminity.

Gay men like female to male transsexuals.

Straight men like male to female transsexuals.

Gay men do not LIKE men because they have penis, they like them because they have male body and mind.

YOU do not LIKE girls because they have vagina, you like them because they have female body and mind.

Note that I wrote LIKE not chase. You like someone and fall in love with them because of what they are, and you chase someone because of sexual intercourse with them.

Bottom line is - transsexual porn is a delicacies. Not everyone likes it, it is mostly open minded and desensitized people that do.

Erections? What erections? - This is what I would have said four months ago. Only time I was able to get erections was when I watched porn. There isn't much I can tell about erectile dysfunction problems except that staying away from porn and cutting back on masturbating is going to cure it. How long will it take you to cure it - no one knows, but it will.

Mine erections are getting stronger and more frequent with every day I spend not watching porn. But after relapsing to it I notice that I don't get any erections for two to three days. So, staying away from porn definitely does the trick. Mine erectile dysfunction has decreased a lot, but is still there.

Other effects of porn addiction I have noticed are

  1. Acne
  2. Lethargy
  3. Social anxiety
  4. Depression

So, after cutting back on porn and masturbation mine acne decreased, and it decreased A LOT. For me there is a definite link between porn addiction and acne. I did a small experiment once. I had no sugar intake for a few days, no alcohol, no tobacco, I cut out everything that could aggravate mine acne. And then I binged on porn. Watched it for four hours, whacked off 5-6 times. For the next three days I was breaking out all over. Atleast four cysts appeared on mine face, six on mine body, and I wont even mention smaller pimples. After 10 days of no PMO, mine face was almost crystal clear even though I smoked, drank and ate a lot of chocolate.

Acne is a disease that is determined by many individual factors, is porn one of them ? Check it out.

Lethargy and depression come together - sexual energy is the energy of life. The purpose of life of every human being is to spread it genes and continue the existence of human kind. The thing is that the evolution has not prepared your brain for porn. So, for our "primitive" brain - ejaculating while watching sexual act on screen while imagining you are there is the same thing as having sex. Did you ejaculate? You did. Was there a female in sight? There was. Did I fertilize it? NOT. But your brain thinks you did.

So,after fulfilling your life purpose of course you will be lethargic. Your goal is fulfilled, there isnt a thing on the world that could satisfy you more. So you get a false feeling similar to "feeling that you saw everything there is to see". Plainly speaking you just get desentisized to everyday stuff. There isnt anything that you need to work for in order to get satisfaction - satisfaction is just two clicks away. When you reach this stage, then you will also get depressed because you will feel that life is not worth living anymore. Atleast this is what I and a lot of other guys on the net felt. If you feel this way, cut out the porn - it could be the reason of your depression.

Social anxiety, this one is the easiest to explain. After watching those girls getting satisfied by muscular guys with 25 cm penises. You will subconsciously start to believe that you are unworthy of those girls, because what could you - average looking teenager with acne and 17 cm woodpecker - do to satisfy those girls. They can do better and they will. NOT. Just be yourself and you will get your share of girls. Remember that even the ugliest motherfucker out there had or has a girlfriend.

Now, the most important part. How to cut out porn addiction?

Just don't fap bro, sounds easy, right? NOT.

Porn addiction is greatly underestimated, because of the following:

- It is socially acceptable (everyone watches it, friends, girlfriends, parents, it is okay I guess)

- It is not a substance (bro that cant do a shit to me, it is not even palpable, there is no way that something that doesn't even psychically exist can harm me)

- It is claimed to be a good thing (it gets you rid of stress, it is healthy, you should do it daily man)

First of all, if something is socially acceptable it doesn't mean it is a good thing to do. During 1930's beating up non-germans in Germany was acceptable, it was cool. Was it okay? Nope.

It is not a substance so it is not dangerous? Okay, it isn't palpable so it cant do you any psychical harm, that is true. But it cause a lot of mental harm, porn isn't palpable, but your mind and thoughts are not any different. It will corrupt your mind and expectations about sex. Third argument is partially correct. Yes, it is a good thing in small times, but so is alcohol, and a porn addict is not much better than alcohol or any other drug addict. Yep, porn can be good, but since you are reading this article that means that you are probably addicted, so it is bad for you. Even as much as a peak is bad for you.

I hope you understand how serious situation this is, because there is no getting out of this mess with "this is going to be easy" mindset.
For months I have been trying to get out of porn addiction by trying not to watch it for as long as I could. But anyway I craved it all the time and I was thinking about it all the time. The bad thing was that I had HOCD at that point. So it wouldn't let me stop thinking about porn because I constantly had to check with porn in order to reassure myself about mine sexual orientation.

This was the toughest battle during mine war with porn addiction (that is still nowhere near over). I believe this is the first phase of withdrawal., because if you are trying to get rid of any addiction of course you are going to go through withdrawal. But the key to beating porn addiction lies in not thinking about porn. About changing your lifestyle.

I had to cut off mine internet connection in order to make a breakthrough in mine combat with this addiction, even now I am writing from other persons computer. Most of us guys with porn addiction also has internet addiction, which makes you prone to triggering content. And once you get triggered relapsing is just a matter a time.

What are the triggers?

Triggers are anything that your brain can connect to your porn abuse. For example, the things that trigger me are reading about someone being sexually abused, reading about a transsexual celebrity, seeing a photo of a hot girl posing in bikini, basically any internet content that reminds me of titles of videos I watched or their content. Hell, even writing this article almost got me triggered.

Once a person is triggered, even if the person had no porn cravings that day, it will start getting insane urges. At this point I can go days without porn, but then something triggers me and on most occasions I end up binging. Mine main goal at this point is avoiding any triggering content, which is not easy. Mine no PMO record is 22 days, two months ago I relapsed every three to four days, now on average I relapse every eight to nine days (mostly because I let mine guard down and then I get triggered),

What can you do when you get triggered?

You got triggered?

  • Get as far from internet and other porn sources as possible, go out, workout, just get out of the house.

You did it but still have cravings?

  • Divert yourself, study, try to sleep, just try to break the enchanted circle of craving-resisting-craving.

You cant shake it off even a day after being triggered?

  • Then go and binge man, it is way better to fap to porn and get in over with in 20 minutes than to spend next three days thinking about it. You might call this defeat, surrender, but I call it tactical retreat. Do not use this as an excuse to give in to your cravings, that would be surrendering - use it only and only as a desperate measure.

So, if you read mine rebooting account you can see how messed up I was, but I managed to get out of it. I was near sucide at one point, but I won, and I will keep winning. You can do it also, just be patient and be determined to achieve your goal of being free of porn addiction.

If you have really bad HOCD, I know how bad it is, please go and get some treatment for it - for me seeking treatment was a turning point.

I spent two months thinking I am gay, then I spent a month thinking I was bisexual, then I spent 15 days thinking I am transsexual - and now I know I am straight.
I love girls, they look beautiful, mine attraction towards them is stronger than it has been in years. Ask me do I like a girl and I will rant out a dozen of names of girls that I like.

This is it, I hope I helped you and gave you some answers you were looking for. Now I have to get as far as I can from this damned internet, writing this has triggered me. Do not let your guard down, and be diligent!

Thank you Gary, thank you everyone.

Comments

How to know If you are addicted?
Well, that is a damn tricky question - reason for that is the fact that when you are addicted to something, you are the last person to realize it.
Most people tend to go in denial about their addictions, in other words they know they are addicted, but they dont want to do anything about it because they lack the willpower and then they just mask the whole situation with excuses.
When I was in denial about mine porn addiction, mine excuses were:
- So what, everyone watches porn, I am just a very sexual person.
- Porn is good, it allows me to get rid of stress.
- It is some kind of sexual education, I will be better at real sex.
- Mine porn tastes escalated? So what, it is not a big deal.

Point is, if you are browsing this site you most likely have some level of addiction in your brain, so we will concentrate on trying to prove to you that you are addicted.
Yes, I know I sound like bad merchant trying to sell you a bad vacuum cleaner - but if I only had someone to help me open mine eyes and break me out of denial two years ago or so things would be so much easier.

There is no diagnostic criteria for porn addiction, but they say that the best test for checking out whether are you addicted to something or not is to try and go for three months without the thing you suspect you are addicted to.
This is a bit extreme, maybe we should cut it down to ten days?
So, friend, try to last 10 days without porn, not even a peak. You can masturbate as much as you wish - once per day, twice per day, even one hundred and fifty five times a day if you wish.

Your reaction will probably be something like: "are you insane dude, I wont deprive myself of porn for ten days".
If someone told me to do this a year ago, I would probably think that that person is some feminist or hardcore christian fanatic that has some odd beliefs about porn industry.
The truth is, I am 19 years old young man who has suffered a lot of sex drive and sexuality damage due to long term porn addiction.

Well, back to the point.
If you last 10 days without porn, without having any anxiety spikes or heavy porn cravings - you are clean.
If you last 10 days while having anxiety and cravings, consider yourself lucky that you havent found out about your addiction too late.
If you cant last 10 days even after two or three attempts, welcome to the addicts club mate, take your place.

Please be honest with yourself while taking this test, no excuses, no denying the facts - If you are going to lie to anyone, you are going to lie to yourself.

I can describe mine experience of combat with porn as having an angel on mine right shoulder, and a porn demon on mine left shoulder. Their conversation would probably be something like this:

D: Hey, do you remember of that video that got you off back then, would you like to watch it one more time.
A: No, I want to stop watching porn, I am not relapsing this time.
D: You are going to relapse sooner or later, it doesnt matter when but you WILL relapse.
A: Better later than sooner, there is no chance that I will relapse again.
D: Come on, take just a peak at porn, it will make both of us happy. You wont relapse and I wont bug you anymore.
A: Okay, here you go, are you satisfied now?
D: But that is not enough, you can whack off to it now - you have basically relapsed.
A: Oh man, okay I will relapse, but this is the last time I swear.
D: Now I feel a lot better, lets repeat it, it wont hurt.
A: But you said this is the last time.
D: Do you really believe me ?

Other signs of porn addiction are:
- Escalation
- Loss of sex drive
- Erectile dysfunction

Escalation of addiction can happen in two ways, escalation of time you spend while watching porn, and escalation of deviancy of material you watch.
In this article we will talk about the escalation of deviancy.
When you enter the world of porn, you will quickly find some stuff that you like more than other stuff. The stuff you prefer over other stuff in porn is called fetish.
I have to mention that once your tastes start to escalate you wont have control over them and they will be extremely unpredictable.
For example, I started with pussy licking fetish, had black girl fetish, asian girl fetish, anal fetish, gangbang fetish, shemale fetish and then penis fetish.
If you realize that you find the videos you first got off to boring, unarousing, mundane, you probably have experienced some taste excalation.
For example, at the peak of mine porn addiction - non-shemale porn was boring to me - I saw hundreds of hot girls doing everything you can imagine - they were as arousing as a Sponge Bob cartoon.
Luckily, the tastes are reversible, now when I relapse and binge I mostly relapse on non-shemale porn.
Escalation is a subtle process, you will notice the difference between your acquired tastes and your natural tastes only after half a year or so.

Loss of sexual drive - ironically, your libido will be shrinking, but your hunger for porn will be increasing. No amount of porn is satisfying enough.
Again, I will make an example out of myself. At the peak of mine porn addiction, I had almost zero interest in real sex, the porn was everything I needed.
But there is another irony here, porn was everything I needed but it wasnt sating mine hunger for porn.
I have to write this in upper case letters, that is how seriously you have to take this.
THERE WAS NO VIDEO THAT WOULD GAVE ME THE KICK I NEEDED.
THERE WAS NO AMOUNT OF TIME SPENT ON PORN THAT WOULD SATISFY ME.
THERE WAS NO WAY TO SATE THE HUNGER FOR PORN.
This was the moment when I hit the rock bottom, addiction wasnt able to sustain itself and I was in constant limbo.
I was whacking off just for sake of it.

There isnt much to say about erectile dysfunction, I already said everything I had to say in the last post.

You might ask me what is mine current situation.
The answer is better, I am better but nowhere near good.
I am on day eight of no PMO, and I am in a flatline since the last time I relapsed. I will attempt to take advantage of this flatline and break mine current streak, maybe even go for thirty or forty days.

Man, last three to four days are unbelivable.
I cannot describe how good I feel when I go a week without the damn porn. I am currently on day 11 and at this point I can describe myself as confident, cheerful and suprisingly charismatic person!

All of that hesitation, anxiety and shyness I had went away.
I can be partially thankful to the anti-anxiety meds I have been taking for a month now, but I believe it is mostly no PMO doing its job.

I will try to describe how do the mood and cravings behave after relapse (atleast for me):
- Days 1-3 - Cravings, HOCD, reclusivenes
- Days 4-6 - Silence before the storm, average mood and cravings
- Days 7-8 - Insane cravings, HOCD, depression
- Days 8+ - Low cravings, no HOCD, feeling absodamnlutely great!

The rest of days are kinda uncharted territory for me, I had only one streak that was longer than 15 days - so I dont have enough experience to talk about days past day 15.
That one time I made it past day 15 I felt great, but there were some days with hardcore cravings for porn - but I can blame HOCD for them, I had to check with porn to make sure I havent turned gay in 10 days (Sounds funny, but I wasn't on OCD meds back then).

Anyways, this time I am determined more than ever to make a noticeable streak.
I am aware of how convincing those cravings can be so I am not making any promises to myself, for now I am just living day by day trying not to get myself triggered.

Another thing that I wanted to say is,
GOD DAMN IT GIRLS ARE HOT.

Earlier I was really picky when it came to girls.
It didnt matter if the girl was the hottest girl in school, if she had only one almost unnoticeable flaw - a tiny mole or some freckles she was unattractive to me.
Now I see why I was so picky about them, it was because the damn porn spoiled mine brain.
Now some of those flaws look cute on girls, even the average looking girls are somewhat attractive to me now - and it was only 10 days without porn!

The fact that 21st century generations are greately addicted to porn is so sad, now that I am starting to break out of shackles of porn addiction I can understand why so much guys are that passive, not only when it comes to girls, but to everything life has to offer.
You may ask me why am I so sure that porn is the cause of this, the answer is that when I look at those guys I see mirror image of myself six months ago.
When I see them I see the numbness, the lack of that spark of life.
They have no aura around them, they look lifeless, it is like they live the lives of 90 year old people, not teenagers.
Ofcourse, the porn is not the cause of everyones misery, but for me and a lot of guys out there it certainly is.

Your brain on porn, if you ever decide to start a cult or something like that - sign me up, I am a believer.

Lot of things changed in the last five months, lets sum them up.

ED is 75% gone, I even started to get some random semi-erections, considering that half a year ago I couldnt get it up without really extremely deviant porn this is a wonder for me.
But yet, there are days when mine penis is simply dead, luckily there are just a few days per week like that (one or two days), although those days tend to happen when I am exausted so that is one of contributing factors.

HOCD is also gone, but I get a few short lasting spikes from time to time - and yes, I am completely convinced that HOCD can be caused by sexual confusion due to porn addiction and withdrawal that the addiction causes.

Unwanted fetishes faded a lot, tried fapping to shemale porn the last time I relapsed and it doesnt work, simply put they look odd. Although I can still get erections from shemales I dont get bothered by it, honestly if something has boobs and round butt I will get aroused by it even if it has tentlaces instead of vagina.

But the thing that I am fascinated by is that I get aroused by sexual thoughts that most of people would consider normal.
I am being aroused by thoughts of normal vaginal intercouse, oral sex, even the thoughts about light sex with an average looking girl can get me off.
I am so fascinated by this because these kind of thoughts were unable to arouse me for about four years(since escalation started).
In contrast to the thoughts that I mentioned, the only thing that could get me off in the past was thinking about sex with a girl that would be really painful and humiliating for her.
For all there years I though I was just a freak, a psycho, now I can see that I was just corrupted by endless stream of hardcore porn videos.

I cant manage to get rid of porn completely, but I am working on doing that. Currently I have about three porn sessions per month, but comparing it to three porn sessions per day five months ago, the progress is outstanding.

So, reducing porn eventually caused me to be a hell of a lot confident, almost acne free, agressive when it comes to making moves on girls (and making moves about pretty much everything) and I got to the phase when I am horny all the time and can get erections.
Simply put, it made me a player.

I met a hell of a lot of girls since things started to get better, and I will have an empty apartment in the summer...
I have a feeling that this will be a good year thanks to nofap :)

I have been thinking about this for quite some time now, the thing is that I believe that "porn oriented" should be added to sexual orientation list.

Yep, you read it right. It may sound idiotic, but think about it. Straight people like opposite sex, gay people like same sex, porn addicts like porn. Yes, most porn addicts do have attractions to real people but in most cases they would choose a porn session over real sex hiding behind excuses.

For quite some time I thought that porn only influences our sexuality, but now after losing shemale fetish and looking back on it I realize that porn HIJACKS our sexuality. I mean, whatever your sexual orientation is, once you get hooked to porn it will take you to any content that could feed it regardless of your sexual tastes. Hell, it may even take you to cartoon animal porn if it will get fed by it.

So, that was the random thought that was trapped in mine head for a few days, now back to me. Progress aint good, I relapsed two times in the last seven days, the thing that conforts me is that now I get on off normal porn, and that shemale fetish now lies in the past. Anways, the conclusion is that I wont be getting through this addictions without a girl. Every time mine erections start getting hard again and when mine libido starts working again I simply dont have anywhere to go with that energy, so eventually I fall back to porn...

Is it true libido or plain porn addiction? There is no clear line between those two when you are addicted because after all of those years of extinguishing your sex drive with porn you simply cannot make a clear difference between porn cravings and being horny.
Eventhough I cant make a clear line between the two, I believe it is both, because I start craving being intimate with a girl, I start craving closeness both emotional and physical and then I become a lot less resistant to porn cravings.

Anyways, mine new plan is just holding out against the porn cravings until I find a girl. I hope I get rebooted until the end of the year...