Age 19 - Virgin, short frenulum
History - 07-17
I've had enough of ruining my golden years due to this. I discovered porn at around 10 years old I think. I found some explicit material on my older brother's laptop and at first was just like what the hell? Who are these weird looking women with there abnormally sized breasts and bottoms, and what is THAT thing between her legs..ergggh? It took me about 30 minutes of curiosity to then realise that I needed to see more. I watched the same 3 or 4 little 50 second long clips that were on my brother's laptop when I could, which wasn't very often as he used it and I couldn't let anyone find out I had found the clips. He deleted them eventually. I remember the gutting feeling and going through his laptop checking the recycle bin and all the hidden documents to try and find those sweet videos again!
This introduction is to highlight how porn makes me feel, it gave me that rush of ecstasy, that feeling that nothing else could compete with, damn writing this now I want to load up a vid - but no way will I. It's also to highlight the shame and guilt I would feel if anyone in my family caught me with the clips. My family are not very open when it comes to talking about sex. My dad walked out when I was about 10 actually, in fact it must have been around that same time I discovered porn.
My porn journey continued and escalated, my older brother got some more porn on his laptop, and it was gold! I viewed it when I could behind his back when he was out. But I remember something happening, either he stopped letting me using his laptop or this could have been when he went off to university, or it might have been around that time he met his long term girlfriend and deleted all his porn, or he may have password protected his laptop - but I couldn't access his porn anymore.
Now I was visiting my Dad every other weekend and he had a computer, my dad was still on the guilt trip and was letting me and my younger brother (who both are my dads sons) do what we wanted basically. If I wanted to stay up all night on the computer I could, something my mom would never let me do. So I took my initiative and I started to get my own porn stash. I loved those years of my life, 13 - 16 years old on the weekends everyone went to bed and I would just sit in front of the lit computer in a darkened room and yes you can guess what I was doing. At my worst points I was doing it Saturday nights from 12 midnight till 5am probably, just watching and downloading porn. I would usually probably tease myself for hours with different clips before finally ejaculating for maximum pleasure - and then feeling like an absolute fool.
It's so funny, only writing this now I realise how addicted I was and how much of a problem it was and even worse, how everyone I thought probably didn't know, probably did know exactly what I was doing.
Anyway, now I'm 19 I've been off porn for quite a while, a couple of months I think, and have not watched porn or masturbated for 15 days.
My whole situation has effected me with relationships badly. I thought I knew how to talk to girls but I was so wrong, this is because ALL of my advice on girls has come from my mom! My brother and dad really have failed to show me how to be with women. I have scared so many girls off by trying to be too nice and even cried on the phone to one of them when she admitted to having slept with someone else!!! (even though it was before us, but it was the fact she lied about it really).
I'm having to re-learn how to act with women including improving my confidence but being myself, making eye contact but being myself, not worshiping the ground they walk on, not trying to be too sweet and mushy.
I go to university in September and it's my time to have a social life and just be better at interacting with women. I'm not that great as it is. And always nervous speaking to women.
My reactions from no masturbation or porn have been me just having weak erections really, I still imagine porn scenes sometimes and try to block them out most of the time. As I said I actually quit porn a while back and decided just to masturbate for a while, it was difficult to get an erection and they were often not that great, also my orgasms were a lot worse and I have also had urinary tract infections and even had to have a cytoplasty (not nice) to try and see what was causing my symptoms.
I'm sick of all this, I want to leave the past behind, find a beautiful girl (outside and inside) to be with for a while and have some sex with!
One of the things that could have contributed to my performance anxiety (haven't been able to get a full erection when in bed with a girl yet) could be that I have a real tight foreskin. I found out have a short frenulum and there may be an operation called a frenuplasty that could help. I haven't got round to looking at this further, but I am still a virgin so I may want to try sex before I get the operation.Abstaining I have made it one of my priorities to go to see my GP and book an operation to possibly loosen it up (frenuplasty). I'm not too keen on a circumcision.
I regularly stretched the foreskin for a while and along with masturbating it loosened up but not fully. Since I have abstained from masturbation however, it has tightened right back up again. Difficult and slightly discomforting to pull it back when I have an erection, and I can only just get it over the head. A bit annoyed because this has set me back from stretching my foreskin until I thought sex would be comfortable, this is another reason why I have wanted to have sex, just to see if my foreskin doesn't cause me discomfort and needs to be loosened (frenuplasty).
08-15 (Day 47)
The phone thing is the worst I reckon! You can literally just lie in bed, lights out and if you have an internet phone usually with a big screen, you can just google some porn and be watching within seconds! So easy to do before sleep and that was the final thing I had to knock on the head when I decided to abstain.
Jealous of all you guys who are having sex haha. I always read others blogs and they say "yeah had sex with a girl today, managed to O" or whatever. You guys make it sound like picking up women is nothing sometimes. Maybe it's not, I reckon I will be able to do it soon.
On that note, progress. I feel much better. More confident and comfortable. I really want to up my game with certain things. Clothes and appearance being the main one. I want to really get smart with buying clothes, and look good at suitable times. Also, I want to improve my grooming to do with my hair (which I'm currently growing) and just finer details that seem to make all the difference. You know the ones.
Still my past experiences of performance anxiety are there, and as much as I'm keen to move on, I have no clue what its gonna be like when I'm with a girl in a position where I could have sex again. I mean every time has been a shambles but somewhere along the line I've got to get it right. I wonder if me improving my image and confidence will help me with this, or will I crumble when it comes down to it. Hmm.
I still have the bad thoughts of having women as sex objects that pass through my head sometimes. I usually cancel them out, but sometimes I get aroused, hate it.
Seeing a lot of pretty women about, but still not getting aroused by them really. Maybe it will take a princess. I won't stop, too much to do and achieve while I'm abstaining from all of this. By the way, it's day 47.
I'm 19, nearly 20. I'm quite impatient; it's even to do with the fact a lot of my friends have had sex. Also I am attending University in September so I would really not like to have performance anxiety there. I mean a part of University is having sex I suppose - isn't it? Maybe I'm showing my age here. It's funny. I always was quick to point out that peer pressure doesn't affect me that much - yeah right.
08-16 (Day 49)
I am day 49 now. No not really to be honest! Still kind of a shriveled dick and no real libido. Seeing women in such a better light though, and feeling a lot more normal around women and girls in general if that makes sense.
I really need to work on body language and the eye contact/smile test. I was trying today, I walked past a few women, right when I got close I bailed! Was served by a real cute girl in a shop today. She seemed slightly interested in me i think. I just got the feeling. I made sure I went out quite well dressed (not too well dressed, just fitted clothes and thought about how I put together my outfit). I wanted to say something to her, but was completely lost for words as usual. I genuinely thought she was actually interested, but still I didn't know how to make something of it. I'll go back there sometime I think, need to try and think of what I'm going to say though if I see her!
A lot of this stems from school, when I got into my penultimate year, I had some female attraction. I got a lot more confident, but people wouldn't stop until all my confidence was knocked out. I was ganged up on and stood my ground but inside it DESTROYED my confidence, all this has made me realise that now. One of my best friends is really confident now, he wasn't then, I don't see people trying to take his confidence away though! I feel like people have it in for me sometimes. It's really weird and that's why I think no-one understands me a lot of the time, a lot of my friends have gained a lot of confidence over the years, it feels like they stole that confidence off me for themselves when we were younger sometimes.
I have a bad habit of biting my nails. It has improved dramatically since giving up porn.
I have had the urge to masturbate recently on some occasions. One occasion I was in bed in the morning and the urge was supper strong. Literally had to roll around and try and not think about it. I then fell asleep and had two quite graphic sex dreams, one of them led me to waking up feeling quite sick at what I had just dreamt.
What could be the dangers of me masturbating at this stage now (day 55). I mean, I still feel that I shouldn't do it I guess. I've got this for and could have a lot of recovering that masturbation won't help. But on the other hand I just feel like I need to release some tension sometimes. I still only feel this tension when I'm in my own comfort zone though really.
Taking this day by day, I usually only think about it before I'm going to sleep, like now. Trying to focus on the positive effects this is having, but would like to fix my other problems elsewhere so I can get more confident and attract some "goddesses", AND have the confidence to entertain that goddess, and make her enjoy my company, rather than think I'm a complete weirdo.
Need to improve my diet, I have slipped with that slightly, also been tired and drained a bit, physically and mentally. I've got a busy month in the build up towards university so trying to get back on my feet and get things done.
I saw the most gorgeous girl in a charity shop when i bought something last week, I plan to return their soon to take the item back but if she is there I'm trying to think of how to act cool, I'll do my research and look at some of the other members blogs for some info/advice as well though.
My main worry is that porn conditioned me to want anal sex with women instead of vaginal because of the way it was shown in porn. Oof course in a realistic situation it would be much much different! One of the effects of porn though.
Child porn I never viewed, if I ever came across anything to do with it I would click off the page, not even for curiosity because it simply goes against my principles. Although there is definitely the focus out there of porn focusing on "babysitter" type "stupid" young (sometimes under 18) girls. Also never watched gay porn, I guess because I was scared of it turning me on hahahaha.
These are things that I know affect us men naturally I know for sure. The vast majority of us leave it to fantasy instead of acting these things out, but this is porn and they know how to get to us. Sex sells. I'm male so these things are naturally appealing to us (young female flesh, any type of sex which involves us being in total control, the power of it and pleasing just ourselves or even gay sex which I'm sure is another power thing as in having that power over another man).
08-30 (Day 61)
I had my first orgasm in absolutely ages this morning. Was having an erotic dream and came in my dream, as I was cumming I woke up and found that my dream was actually rather real in terms of me having an orgasm and also wet dream. Was fairy messy. Really weird experience for me - orgasm without actually touching my own penis. First time that's ever happened. A nice one I would say.
Had a long day, walking around, I was plagued with anxiety today. People could sense the fear in me, some people stared as I dropped my change on the floor and frantically picked it up to pay the driver on the bus. Then stared at me some more as I walked to the back of the bus somewhere I felt safe from all the eyes watching me.
Also, some girls from the past I have come across today. I found out that one will be studying at the same place as me next year (she knows some pretty embarrassing things about me) and another I stumbled upon quite happy with her new boyfriend. I'm not really mega jealous though to be honest, but feels like they have all got on with their lives and I'm the one stuck behind again, can't get out of my own head, my social progress has been halted while others around me moved onwards and upwards.
A reminder now maybe of why the abstaining is helping me, but on days like this I feel shit. I want to be my own person finally but always feel others hold me back, time to let them go and do things for myself.
So since abstaining I have been doing little things here and there to keep me occupied when I might be watching porn instead. One of those things is playing through grand theft auto to try and complete it because I never got round it it. Sometimes when I'm playing I'll just get hugely turned on at random things, like having the power of shooting people or something. That sounds really crazy, I promise I'm not haha.
I get the same feeling and even the same sort of arousal when I'm loading the game up similarly to when I used to load up my PC or internet page, ready to watch some porn. So I guess my question, or topic would be; does gaming have similar effects on the brain to porn?
09-30 (Day 92)
I started University last week and have currently been enjoying my freshers week, so I've met a lot of girls and stuff.
I've noticed that I am so much more confident now, and can attract girls whereas, a flatmate of mine even has pointed out my confidence a few times, it's different! May I note that this is a success in itself, confidence was something I definitely was searching for from abstaining, and abstaining has enabled me to focus on doing little things, improving my image (buying clothes that fit, using facial products and drinking more water to make my skin look better etc)
I definitely can feel more sensation down below when I'm with a girl, I've met a really great girl this week as well. And hoping to have a quiet night in with her instead of going out in the student madness tonight.
Can't believe it's been so far since I have resorted to masturbation at night, but It's been so worth going without, I don't know if I'd want to go back. I mean abstaining just allows me to get more rest instead of masturbating before sleep, which then would usually lead to tiredness and lateness in the mornings missing breakfast etc. Just by abstaining, I have more time to focus on the little things which make me feel more prepared and confident as I go day by day.
So yes abstaining has been a success, and I said I would do the recommended amount of 90 days, but I really don't see the point of masturbating now - I don't even want to. I would rather get some rest at night, so I could get up early and fresh for a great day with a great girl. I hope this is inspiring to all, and to anyone in a very similar situation to me (check past blog posts) please have the willpower to abstain and seek what you really want in life.
This post may be one of my last. I have been successful by avoiding porn, sorting myself out and meeting a special girl.
At 20 years old I see a generation of men raised by women around me. I am one of them.
When I moved to university in September it was truly time for me to become a man. I think I have taken the task on. Women don't want men who are weak. I used to act like I was weak and always wondered why I couldn't find a woman. Tips for guys are: get things done, stop procrastinating, go to the gym and get excercise, socialise (look them in the eyes with a genuine smile for confidence), and when you're feeling down help out someone else and you will feel better about yourself.
So this of course is for guys who were like me. Virgins and worried that things will stay like that. (By the way there's nothing to worry about, you'll be fine.) Become confident and make the change today only you can do it.
The short frenulum was something I thought would definitely stop me from being able to have sex. In the end it wasn't a problem. Stretching my foreskin in hot baths for about two years on and off really made a difference. When it came to having sex, there was a bit of difficulty me getting the condom on. My foreskin doesn't seem to stretch all the way down like all those guys in porn. It goes down far enough, however, and I can have sex and cum just fine.
I have much improved confidence from abstaining from porn and masturbation. When I speak to women now I seem to just "get it." While I was watching porn I would probably think, "Oh god I wonder if she thinks i watch porn." And even sometimes I would be thinking about how she would be in bed. That doesn't really happen anymore. I can look people in their eyes now and don't feel so threatened intimidated or inferior to people and seem to receive more respect now.
LINK - blog entries by derobe