Age 20 - Back to being the person I thought I was after falling so, so far.
90 days strong and still going, all thanks to you guys!
So, the background.
Pretty standard story around here, 20 year old virgin, masturbating at least daily to increasingly weird things in increasingly weird ways. Guilt cycle, avoiding social contact, no desire to do anything but fap.
It began young, playing with myself since I was 8/9, but not till orgasm till I was 12. After that it became a nightly thing, and from there to multiple times nightly. Soon enough, I found I couldn't sleep without fapping. I should have noticed this was a problem back then, but I was blinded by being a teenager and that spiel of 'masturbation is natural/safe for everyone'. It may be for some, but it isn't for me. I'm not sure if I was hit by the other effects in this time, since I was a teenager and I was going to be socially awkward etc. anyway. I'm certain fapping didn't help though.
Jump forward to 2010 and I move out to University. My own room, my own laptop, solitude whenever I wanted it. A bad combination. Soon I found myself descending further down the rabbit hole (and I was already quite far down). My vices were (and I've never told anyone about these before): shemales, webcamming, cum eating instructions, autofellatio and trawling craigslist sites fantasizing.
Act Two: The Protagonist finds his Guiding Light
Back then was lazy, insincere and would do anything do get a indulge my constant urge to fap. This includes leaving friends in their hour of need, avoiding any social events and ignoring family members birthdays. This was at odds with who I wanted to be and, perhaps more importantly, who I thought I was. A little about me here: I actively avoid indulgence, I don't drink, I don't eat meat, I meditate regularly and walk any journey under four miles* (I sound like a douchebag when I write it out like this...)*. Back then, I believed myself to be studious, self-controlled and disciplined but, honestly, this could not be further from the truth. Just the narcissistic arrogance that comes with fapping for so long.
Jump to May 2012. I find NoFap.
Immediately I jumped straight in with a badge and was convinced I walk this road with ease. 8 days later, I realised this isn't as easy as it looks.
I've relapsed I think twice since then. Once after just 2 days and once in the 20's.
After the 20 day relapse, I took a long, long walk. 43 miles, 13 hours.
I realised during the walk that wasn't taking this seriously. I didn't believe it was a challenge. I didn't believe I was addicted.
So I pushed myself, I spent a long time convincing myself that fapping is hurting me, and to be honest, I think this is the key. You can't study for a test if you don't think there's any risk in failing and you can't train for a marathon if you think it'll be a walk in the park. You have to know your demon in all its forms so you can recognise it for itself wherever it may show.
The Nomad's Journey Home
Of course, this wasn't the end of my struggle. I still had a daily battle with flatlining, blue balls, near uncontrollable fantasies. One of my recurrent fantasies was a very vivid view of a Chrome incognito tab as I type the letters of my favourite porn site in the URL bar. That was a weird one...
I've been controlling these in the usual ways: cold showers, running, getting out of the house etc.
How I am now:
- For the past 2 months I've been running near daily
- I've been taking cold showers as a matter of course. Softer skin and that pre-civilisation freshness :)
- Sit ups every 2 days, push ups every 3.
- Suddenly, I care about my appearance. I care about what girls think of me. I've even been to parties and spoken to girls. Old me would never, ever have done that.
- I have emotions again. This is one of the most important factors for me. Whereas I was a stony robot, I can actually feel and empathise with people now. It's like becoming human again.
- Whereas I would previously only think about fapping and then worry that people would realise this, I can actually say what's on my mind now. I feel free.
- I'm more in the moment. My constant aloofness has dropped massively.
This is not The End
Of course, I'm not completely cured. And I wouldn't say that nofapping alone has cured anything. NoFap has just given me the drive to try and improve myself. I have a lifetime of this ahead of me, and the progress I've made so far is probably insignificant on the scale of things.
But slow progress is no reason to give up. You don't give up a long book after the first page.
I'm not sure how much I have changed so far, but I do know that my mindset has changed. That's important enough for me to want to carry on this journey.