Age 20 - (ED): 212 days and still healing
Hi, some of you already know me from other posts. But for the ones who don't, I'm a 20 (21 this month) yo guy who was very addicted to porn since age 13, like minimum 3 times a day for 1-2 hours. As a result i became very desensitized and developed social anxiety, depression, social isolation and a very bad confidence and a self worth problem, which i tried to solve taking massive action by talking to lots of people and trying to get a lot of friends,and ultimately to approach lots of girls to get experience (idea taken from the pickup community). I improved a lot in this time,but something was missing. I was not the same as before. I could not bond to people and my social skills were on a whole different level that they should be(although much better than most of people's. I discovered this on the first month when i felt the superpowers)
I started Nofap at first on 8 September last year, just before starting college. First month i had some of the best days in my entire life.I watched some porn because i had huge cravings(i thought fapping +porn was bad,but porn alone wasn't that bad),but not much,and a few masturbation after 117 days. As i said in multiple posts i only watched like 25 minutes...until day 45 where i read more material and finally knew that porn was the evil i had to end. Then after the first month and a half came the worst withdrawals i could have ever imagined and a massive flatline that didn't even give me a break until some weeks ago...
Today is day 212. So a few weeks ago withdrawals started giving me a break.They started to get mixed and my mood slowly improved since then,steadily but in a weird way. Like 2 steps back then 3 forward.After that 10 steps back and 15 forward. I still have days where i feel like total shit,but these days are decreasing in number and in the time they stay.Also my libido came back a few days ago,although is very little today,is slowly increasing too :D
So I'm feeling that my recovery is very close to an end.Or at least the bad part. Now everything will slowly get better over time,and very soon i will be better than when i started. It was a long journey.I felt hopeless so many times (i still feel hopeless some days), i cried, i wish i was dead, i hated everyone, and gave up emotionally so many times...But i didn't relapse. Sure, i may have watched porn a few times and also masturbated. But i don't count it as a relapse. I didn't know all the information about this.When i truly understood all of this:
1. Porn must be totally erased as a possibility from my life.
2. Masturbation is bad for me until i reboot for at least 10 months (but i plan to give it up forever,and be always motivated to talk to girls)
3. Reboot could take at least 9 months.
i made the commitment to be clean of PMO forever.
So this is my story. I feel the success will happen very soon, within 3 months (although i don't think i will be recovered at 100%, but my goal when i started this was to revert the brain changes and get back the ability to feel joy in life, and i think that is the biggest part of porn addiction , ed is secondary). So i wanted to create this post as an unfinished part,until i really achieve final success,and then tell you all goodbye because this is the real forum that helped me. It was here where i read stories of people taking much more than 3-4 months when i was going through hell.Nofap has no stories of people like us, who take much more to get rid of the demon that it is porn.
Once i recover my brain chemistry,and get the superpowers,i will finally leave you :) I wont need this forum anymore because i will be living life to its full again...I will start working out again,meditation, get better grades, socialize as never before, quit internet and video games, and master social skills and pickup through experience.
Those are my goals and the lifestyle i want. Now they are unreachable, but my mood and my motivation are slowly building up and getting back to normal. Soon they will be back to normal and i will fully do all those things. For now I'm focusing on quitting video games,and its getting easier and easier because they seem more and more boring and a waste of time compared to real life, and getting better grades and working out. Slowly but steady...