Age 20 - ED: some relapses -190 days

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Day 38

I would say i started masturbating since I was 12 and it is so unfortunate that i started off to tv porn. Wow what a great discovery I thought I made finding porn whilst flipping through cable channels. Ever since then I never looked back. Used to masturbate at least once a day to it at that age and as I got older I've just been on and off with it, implementing between that and naked pictures of women when I can. As far as I can remember when I was 15 I still was sexually responsive. I used to be able to get hard just by my girlfriend grabbing my dick but it seemed I started discovering some difficulties at 16. At that time, I wasn’t going to school so I used to stay home and just masturbate to downloaded porn clips at least everyday; little did I know how detrimental this was to my sexual health at the time. Then I lost my virginity at 16 but in retrospect, I'm really trying to figure out whether that was because of the porn or the fact that I was really nervous my first time. Anyhow, I had my glory moments later on because I went to Africa to live with my mom for a year in a half and was able to get it up to my next girlfriend over there with ease although, I would always lose erections when I put on a condom (i think maybe because having sexual intercourse raw just felt SO good that I just never had patience for contraceptives idk).

But what I do know is that when I was fucking raw my erections were ROCK HARD again, and looking back at it now I'm assuming that is probably due to the fact that I didn't have access to porn over there and I probably masturbated once every other week. Then I had decent sex with a prostitute with a condom for at least 5 mins so I guess maybe the porn was causing it idk. But it seemed like when I came back to NY again all just collapsed from there.

Tried to have sex with a girl in a hotel earlier this year and no matter what she did whether it be stroking my penis or performing oral sex, I just couldn't get it up and if I did it would go right back down. And what made it worse is I had to tell her that I wasn't feeling well and that I would make it up to her next time (the shame!). Well there was never a next time; she stopped responding to my texts. That really put a dent in my ego.

So due to that experience, I started using viagra thinking that would help alleviate my impotence and it did. I was having strong erections and was having sex with one older lady for about 6 or 7 times, each session she orgasmed probably at least 4 times no lie!! I felt like I had redeemed myself and that I was the MAN, although for whatever reason I would still lose my rock hard erections after I put the condom on and I know for a fact that this time I was not nervous so what gives?

Anyhow after several months of being on top of the world that came crashing down when I went to Virginia and took the same viagra pills because I was supposed to have sex with a long time female friend in a hotel. But to my amazement, this time I couldn’t get it up even with the viagra ... like I literally felt comfortable lying on the bed with her and got a half erection but that's as far as it would go. What made it worse is my homey was having sex with her friend on a separate bed next to us while all of this is going down. My god I had never felt so depressed in my whole entire life. Why could he get it up with ease, meanwhile he masturbates to porn twice as much as me, and we started about the same time, and are pretty much the same age? Like I feel I'm a good looking dude because girls just always are attracted to me but I can't perform?

And I was only 19 yrs old of age dealing with erectile dysfunction. I have never had a more humiliating experience in my whole entire life and I can honestly say that and looking back it now still concur. Bad enough I tried to play it off by acting as if I didn't have a condom but for whatever reason she found the condom that I hid under the pillow that I was gonna use on her - after figuring lil johnnie didn't want to come out and play. Then after that having to save face again by saying that I wasn't feeling well. Dear God was I sick to my stomach.

She looked so good and I was feeling on her naked body while one of my hands was fingering her but I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. She literally was so mad that she got up from the bed went into the bathroom and 5 mins later came out and told her friend that she was leaving. After they left I told my friend what had happened and he really couldn't believe it. Like this girl was really fucking sexy and I was turned on by her in every way but i couldn't feel anything. Not even a kick. I just sat there on that hotel bed in disgust, pain, depression, frustration and anger; a feeling of anger that I had never felt before. In addition, what made it so bad was the fact that I know once she left told her friend. “Eww this dude was grinding on me and everything but he couldn't get it up”. Wow what can be worse then you not being able to perform with a female who literally is throwing herself at you and top of all that embarrassment, her telling her friend? The thought alone had me so distraught that I just sunk my face into a pillow just hoping the misery would go away but to no avail. My friend tried to console me but was just really baffled at how I could fuck up such an opportunity but I just couldn't come up with any explanation. I was at a loss for words. I literally had to get up and go downstairs to run on the treadmill for about an hr just so I could be able to go to sleep that night. Since that experience my confidence with women has never been the same. Mind you all of this happened June of this year. Apart of me wants to talk to females and they do want to talk to me too but the mere thought of failure again just kept me at bay.

I can honestly say I could have had sexual intercourse with at least 7 other females since that disastrous encounter but anytime, I get close to knowing that sex might come into play or they wanna come to my house I make up all sorts of excuses; that being I'm not feeling well how about next week, I traveled and I'm not in town, or would even just cut them off completely. What makes it bad is that after all these months some of these females still hit me up every now and then till today. But what do I say to them? “Ooo I like you but I got erectile dysfunction so we can‘t have sex but we could stare at each other all night if you want?”

This is pretty sad. I’m 6’2, about 185lbs, pretty muscular, can have decent conversation with a female, 20 yrs old and based on what they tell me good looking. I've been dodging females for pretty much the past two years because I'm scared that I won‘t be able to perform. It’s really a very hopeless situation that I hope nobody has to ever experience. It's to a point where even one of my friends probably thinks I'm gay or something because he would tell me about all these girls who want to talk to me but I would just dismiss this to the side and say "I'm not worried about females right now I'm just trying to get this money." Well I really was trying to get money because I'm kind of in a terrible situation so he knows that i am looking for a job but at the same time that’s just an excuse to mask how I really feel.

Well fast forward into late August and me finding this site, after about 4 trials of no PMO for going till 9 to 10 days at the most and then relapsing i finally was able to get on the right path. And this time I'm stopping PM for good, for the sake of my sexual being and happiness. I really thank all the people on this site for their advice and instructions because without your guidance I don't know where I would be right now. Well it's been 35 days and after flatlining for about 4 weeks I'm finally seeing a little spontaneous erections again. Only about 1 or 2 per day but there at least something. I'm just really hoping and praying that my problem lies with porn and that a 90 day reboot will be adequate time for me to finally get over this hurdle and live life with confidence being assured that I'll be able to perform when needed.

Day 45

Man I can't really explain how i felt today. I had some mood swings throughout the day and I would say I was pretty emotional. Basically I just had a reflection on my life. Kinda thought about where I am now, where I was before and where I want to be in the future. I thought about all the hardships, the pain, the doubt, the hopelessness, the happy times, and the uncertainty. I went to my old junior high school that I havent been to in like 7 years and I guess while chillin in the playground of the school, that brought out alot of those feelings that were still remnant inside of me. Man after this long shaky road I can honestly say I'm done with porn and masturbation for GOOD and that I just wanna focus more on the things that matter in life. My last day on this before i even wanna attempt having sex is December 26th and although it seems somewhat far, it is really just around the corner. The erectile improvements have really started since day 34, that being from at least 6 to 7 spontaneous erections a day, till just overall gratification and appreciation for the smaller things in life. I kinda honestly feel that I'm at the peak of my mood, although i still have slight swings here and there (well I am a cancer and we are known to be moody people so idk).

Last but not least, although I have been having random erections for the past 10 days (except today) I just haven't felt like my erections were a 100% (more like 80 to 90 percent and lack of morning wood with random erection has been one of the weirdest phenomenons that I can't explain.

Also I have had to turn down 6 or 7 girls for the past 3 months since this whole reboot thing which has been quite annoying to say the least. They must be looking at me like something's wrong with me or something. lmaoo

Day 46

I feel my erections have improved since yesterday and that they're about 95% ... it really is incredible and I probably won't need those herbs anymore. Now I have a question for you: my HOCD has dissapeared pretty much completely, my confidence seems like it is peaking (although it gets a lil low for a few hours and finds its way right back up), my mood has pretty much peaked (although It is off at times but that comes back to normal in a few hours as well), my erections are greater then I thought they would be coming to this stage of the reboot, the spontaneous ones are there although now it seems like they have been chillin somewhere in Malibu the past one or two days (not unless I'm lying on my bed. I get them a couple times then lmao), but my morning wood seems like it is a little out of wack (although now I'm starting to think that by the time I wake I just miss them)

Day 51

Well as I've previously reported in my other blogs, my spontaneous erections have returned since day 35 but they were always 80%-90% at the most IMO ... and most days I wasn't having morning wood but I was still having these spontaneous erections throughout .... But it seemed since the past 3 days, my erections have gone through the roof. Day 48 I was at work and I got some very strong sexual urges, beforehand it used to be because I wanted to masturbate but this time it was a different sexual urge; it was the urge to fuck (if that's not too direct) ... It literally was so bad that I was not only having slight blue balls but I had a very difficult time focusing at work ... Blanking out my mind only did so much (yes it was THAT bad) I haven't had this much sexual energy since the first 15 days when I started this whole journey.

Also, that sexual energy just transformed into the most confident, direct, aggressive, energetic, and charismatic animal that I've ever been before. I honestly don't understand the correlation between a strong libido and a surplus of energy because like I reiterated, the last time I felt this "high up in the clouds" was the first two weeks. I honestly feel blessed because I thought I had already peaked on day 45 in terms of libido, mood, energy, EQ and etc but it seems that all of that has improved and now instead of it being a today/tomorrow type of mood and energy, it seems ALOT more consistent now ... Like a here to stay for good type of thing ....

To top it all off I've had women giving me even more looks and even giving them more confident stares. One even called into the store where I recently started working at to give me her number over the phone ... Wow I really thought I had seen it all but I guess there is more surprises to come ...

Last but not least, the erections ... I think before I was just expecting too much and I just felt that if I don't have a "viagra-like" erection or 100% then I hadn't recovered yet ... But after while of waiting, I just assumed that that was something that I just had to get accustomed to and that was going te be my full potency, only to get this out of nowhere steel like erections just 3 days ago ... With all this that has happened i feel that by day 90 I will be more then a 100% ready to start having a regular sex life ... I'm really ecstatic just 40 more days to go ... Only question I have is will I experience another flatline along the way although i haven't really since my libido started kicking in on day 35? Or is there no turning back from this day forward? I guess only time will tell.

Day 62

Well I haven't posted in a week since I mo'd about 4 times on day 55 and 56 for the first time since I began this reboot journey ... the reason that I'm a somewhat frustrated is really because since that day of MO on day 56 and having spontaneous erections due to the chaser effect like crazy from left and right, I have pretty much been dead ... Damn this shit bothers me especially when everything was going so well before then and I was really on my way to being about 100% by day 90 but I fucked that up because I got high and you know what that usually leads to ....

Well never thought I would go through this again especially on how fast my progress was from day 35 to day 55 but FLATLINE PHASE #2 started about a week ago and let's see how long this time it will last .... Last one was about 4 long weeks .... On the bright side, I still get morning wood albeit, it's only 70 to 80% and I haven't completely lost my sensitivity ... Also my confidence and everything is still intact although I took a "little" hit in that department too ... 28 more days to go, hopefully I will have something better to report by then.

Day 67

Was just writing to express how I feel ... In case you guys didn't know the only time I usually post a blog is when I see some significant progress or I am inspired and I guess today is/was a little mixture of both ... I've been giving alot of thinkin to having a girl ... I've always been those type of dudes who felt like he wanted one every now and then but never really needed one ... But for whatever reason today, I still had the same attitude but with more reinforced feelings ... I'm not sure if I could ever really stay committed to a female completely but I can't help but feel the need to bond with one ... Even if it doesn't mean actually date a girl but at least get intimate with her ... play, kiss, crack jokes, smile, gaze deep into her eyes, whisper in her ears, play with her neck, etc ... doesn't necessarily have to lead to fucking but I just miss those feelings ... I never thought that porn could desentisize me to a point where I no longer craved for those feelings of intimacy until now.

Even the homosexual fantasies that I was having a problem escalating to when I MO'd about 11 days ago is by day looking more and more like a distant memory ... Man I promise there is no turning back for me ... I feel like I've never been so sure about myself in a long time ... I'm still mad at the fact that I'm hesitant to talk to females due to the fact that I don't feel confident that i'll be up for the task when it gets down to it but I'm hoping in 23 days by day 90 things will change .... If by day 90, my potency doesn't fully return I MUST push for another month cuz I feel that there is no point in rushing if I do not feel a 100% ... No matter how long that takes, I'm more then ready for the task ... Also I feel that why give a female 80% of you when if you can be patient enough for another month or two, you can be more then equipped to give her ALL of you (besides the girl that I'm trying to get with is from work and I know I no matter how much she wants to fuck me, I have to wait this out because if I fail this time that will be TERRIBLE ... all the females who are on me who are from work will know lmaooo).

Another thing is that I try to be optomistic by noting to myself that this is only a matter of time ... similar to my glory days when I was 15 and 16 and glimpses of that on day 35 to 55 before my binging period on day 56... so I know that it is only a matter of time before I can start having a regular sex life again ... Also libido is slowly picking it's way back up since I flatlined about a week ago but it just isn't there yet (still flatlining to a certain extent) ... Well I gotta keep striving, there is definitely no turning back from here.

Day 77

I don't know what it is but it seems like everytime I exercise after having a week of good libido, my penis just goes dead ....not flatlining dead because I still can get erections from dirty talk with a female or when I'm playing with them but dead in the sense that other then that, its non responsive .... Also the erections go away a little faster and my libido at times seems non existent .... So my question is what is the relationship between working/running only once or twice for about 2 hours each time in a week and the strength of libido/erections? And is there anybody else who experienced a drop in sexual responsiveness after they work out? It's funny I type this because a couple days after I worked out I just about return back to normal

Day 85

Well I was in my crib wit a female and we were smoking ... It seemed like everything was goin fine .... So i noticed as i started kissing on her neck i really wasnt getting aroused .... But no big deal i thought once i get to to eating her out then that would do the job ... Well as i got to it i started getting an erection and with a lil manual stimulation, i started GROWING ... But it just seemed like as soon as i took it out and i went to look for a condom i went soft ... and no matter what she did after that (oral, handjobs etc) i couldnt get it up. 

Don't kno how to feel but i kinda took it better then i thought I would ... Although i had to tell her i got too high smh ... Pretty embarassing i must say and its funny becuz after the embarrasement of not being able to get it up again and walking her out and getting back home i was able to get it up without too much of a problem and it was alot more reactive to my hands after i was by myself.

So i guess my question is, was i not able to get it up because of the paranoia i got ftom weed although i didnt really feel nervous with her? Or is it that penis is just not ready with being around women yet? Bcuz i really have other shit lined up for dis month and this lil experience really threw me off ... And im really too scared to try dis again sober and i get the same results ... Wat would be my excuse then? Smh the only good thing i feel i got out of this is the fact that i wasnt to depressed about it after ... Usually i would have been miserable but i feel really indifferent ... I guess bcuz she wasnt too hot or wateva ... Ima just take another month and just hope for thr best and next time try again sober i guess.

Day 90

Im just really annoyed but i kno i cant keep living like this ... I must fight this situation head on now even it it takes me another 3 months to do so .... And dis time i will go the WHOLE way without masturbating/orgasm because it seems like those 2 experiences on day 56 and 79 set me back crazy ... Im literally dead down there right now and its 3 days till my initial goal of 90days. If only i had waited the whole 3 months who knows? (Smh damn you marijuana!) ...

Anyhow guys, i guess no pussy for me for another 3 months or wateva ... I must go dis extra mile and get this problem outta my way once and for all, cuz me being as good lookin as i am cant continue flopping with these females (this has to be the fourth girl now, the embarrasement is too much) ... I wish you all the best in your battle and just remember: even if it takes 4 or 6 months of absolute abstinence to completely clean up the damage u've done to your body years of your life via porn, it is totally worth it bcuz those couple of months will lay down the blueprint to your future success... Damn i really miss the spontaneous erections i used to have earlier in this reboot .... I hope they come back.

Day 92 (relapsed)

Now what happens next is somewhat disturbing .... I started to get spontaneous erections out of nowhere while browsing the Web. I got more spontaneous erections in these little 5 mins then i got in the past 14 days of my last MO (I'm on day 92 btw) ... And I just felt that rush in my head start to build up ... It is crazy because I had very very MINIMAL fantasizing, if any at all ... I guess at least that shows I have gone far in this recovery because on day 56 if you remember, when I had these same urges and I MO'd for the first time, it was off to the thought of performing oral sex on my gay friend and vice versa.

But this time, I just gotoff to the word "gay" ... Never thought by just reading words that had to do with homosexual desires without any fantasies would arouse me like that but wow it sure did .... Before you know it, after edging for 30 mins while contemplating the pros and cons of finishing or not, I finally gave in and orgasmed ... And as I was coming all I could do was say "FUCKKK" in my mind as I just shook my head through the orgasm ... smh wow that was annoying.

Other then that, I've felt pretty much regular although I feel slight depleted mentally .... Are you supposed to feel this way every time you orgasm or does the rising of your dopamine levels cause this? It's like I will feel a VERY emptiness in the back of my eyes and somewhere in my brain ... That feeling used to be a very bad headache and strained eyes in PMO up till the first month of my reboot days but now it just seems to be a tiny strain in the back of my eyes.

Overall, another scary thing I learned is that although I masturbated to orgasm with no fantasies but just those homosexual feelings, I had an almost 100% erection ... One those erections that feels like your penis is about to break ... I haven't had one of those since day 70 when I was talking to a female on the phone ... Smh so my question is will these transexual/homosexual pathways that I have built through porn over the past year ever truly go away? And does the fact that it is still remnant keep me from having steel-like erections when I'm with females? or any spontaneous erections at that?

Other then these questions, I am glad to say I don't really regret the fact that I relapsed at all (maybe because it was only day 14 of MO but whatever) ... I really do sincerely feel that the only way that I will TRULY reboot is if I go a COMPLETE 90 days of utter abstinence (the 92 days i've done so far to me doesn't count because I've mixed 3 days of 6 orgasms in between ... 4 on day 56, 1 on day 78, and another today being day 92) ... So I've decided that I will start all over again from day 1 and work my way up ... It was a great milestone to reach but I feel that I have to stop looking back at those 92 days and start from scratch as if I'm just a new rebooter and viewing it like that will help me from relapsing as easily ... Will definitely add the 90 days of PMO abstinence with the 92 days that I got so far once I'm fully done rebooting though but for now day 0 it is! .... Let the games begin!

Day 97

My new years hasnt really started off too well ... I was at ihop with 2 of my best and probably only friends ... We saw some females sittin across a table from us and out of nowhere they started a conversation by asking my friend "what is his name?" He responded and it kinda just went from there ... While he goes across the table to talk to these four girls, i just sit on the same table with my other homie and just have a discussion ... Now while having this conversation with my friend, i noticed that my mind started goin somewhere else ... It was the same feeling that i get anytime i be around females these days ... I guess it was a feeling of inadequacy ... Dont get me wrong, these 97 days plus these now current 5 days of no PMO have got my confidence through the roof but i always cant seem to shake that feeling off anytime im around a new setting of females

I just feel like what is the purpose of my life? Ive always been a magnet to chicks and now even more then ever but, i almost NEVER take it a step further because at the end of the day i feel that i cant sexually meet up to the stellar presentation so to speak (or if i can even perform at all) ... And i kno you guys r gonna say that i should find a female or potential partner that im comfortable with and take it slow but it is easier said then done because at the end of the day, what you guys fail to realize is that without a mens sexual prowess, hes lost his pride (and thats wats happened to me) And these are things and feelings that i never thought mattered so MUCH up until now .... And also like i told you guys before females around my age of 20 yrs old cant seem to understand this taking it one step at a time method and i just really dont feel comfortable in my own skin right now to explain that to them because i feel that they just wont understand and that society has programmed there mind in such a way that every man is supposed to be able to respond sexually to them at will ... Its to a point where these group of girls thought me and my other friend sitting with me were gay or sumthin (this has to be the second time that a girl accused me of being gay in the past yr)

 

So now the story goes to the fact that while my other friend was sitting on there table having this discussion, one of the four females for wateva reason started bothering me asking a lot of questions and me being in the mindstate that i am just didnt entertain there discussion too much .... Although i exuded a lot of confidence and charisma (im good at hiding how i really feel) ... And i saw the interest kept on building bcuz this same girl kept asking me more questions and i just never "let the beat build" so to speak from the regular couple words here and there convo is the reason why they probably assumed i was gay ... Also it might due to the fact that when i wasnt talking to them, i was blank staring down at the tablr whilst i was thinkin about all my thoughts, feelings, problems, and insecurities without paying them much if any mind at all that made then also i was gay ... And this is why i feel society is fucked up in a sense ... If u show females too much attention they say that ur thirsty but if u show them little or no attention at all then u must be gay .... Its like you can never win ...Idk but it just so happened i learned all this infotmation after my friend came back from there table and all three of us left ... I really just dont know what to do and the fact that my libido is THIS dead at day 97 frightens and reinforces those emotions even more ...

Another incident of when a female thought i was gay was because i was suppoerd to have had sex with her after months of talking but because of my insecurities and my erectile dysfunction problems, i fell back and stopped talking to her (the cases with most of them).. And they really cant understand that ... Because they say that im tall, very good lookin, a charmer, funny, charismatic, great personality, and at the top of that say that i can talk any female to fuckinh him at will but never follows through till the end that there has to be something im hiding (and u kno its bad when u do follow through with bringing a female to ur house and ur more relieved then angry that the female denied ur sexual advances just becuz u feel like uve saved urself from further embarassment) ... And i can kinda see y females mighy see it that way looking at it from their perspective although, i also feel that they should be more open minded before coming to rash conclusions that might not be true just because they wanna defend their ego or in reality, dont want to come to grips to the fact that u dont want them anymore ... But analyzing all these thoughts and feelings is the reason why i feel almost useless as a man ... And its sad becuz i never used to feel this way .... I remember times that wen i used to be around a female and the only only thing that would bother me was nervousness, if that at all ... What makes my problem even worse is that other then this site, i feel i got no one else to talk to about this. I cant help but to keep feeling this way anytime im around a female, knowing that all of these conquests are gonna end up like the rest; a female with alot of interest in me but it never goes no more then just kissing and good conversation ... Its really a frustrating, helpless predicament to be in ... Why can't i just be happy like everybody else? Why cant i just be sexually healthy like the majority of men in America?

Day 105

Man this is just gettin ridiculous .... Where the hell is my libido? Shit just feels dead down there .... Not the starting of the first couple of weeks of my reboot dead but damn ... i havent had a spontaneous erection or any life down there at all since day 70, its day 105 now ... Wtf really gives? To top it all off im in day 13 of my current but very hopeful second 90 day streak of total abstinence but my biggest fears is that even after this streak things will STILL not be forthcoming ... Smh idk kno wat to say anymore more .... Hate to sound like im cryin but damn this is miserable ... Marnia would you know how long it takes the average person my age of 20 to reboot especially after they started watchin porn on and off since they were 12 and first started having sexual relationships at 16? Like i really just want to be optimistic here and i'm not going back to porn regardless but wow this really cant be my future ... My only glimmer of hope is that i remember times when my sexual prowess was at its peak and i could get hard wit females even after i started watchin porn but abstained for it for half a yr prior to those encounters ... So i guess my reboot is gonna take 6 months before i finally begin to experience the full effects of this reboot?

Day 143

After about 143 of no P, with a few minutes of p in between and currently 36 days of no PMO (mixed with a good amount of edging recently) I can finally say my ED might be cured .... It's crazy because the day before my penis actually looked dead for sum odd reason ... Like it literally never looked so bad before in its life ... My usually big friend shrunk to about three inches or the size of a noodle .... Not used to seeing it like this, i didn't know whether to laugh or to be scared for my life .... shit literally looked lifeless ... then i got high that day and surprisingly enough, for the very few times when I'm high I edged, but was able to resist MO'ing ... like i literally was about to climb over the edge last night but then I had to think about the pain and all the missed opportunities that this PMO shit has caused me .... And with that, I was able to cease 'edging over the edge' which is very rare becuz this is wen im most vulnerable to relapsing .... *phew* that was a close one ...

Anyways, while I was edging I realized that my erection was stronger then normal ... Actually too strong to be exact ... I literally for the first time since I was 15 (without any use of viagra, herbal supplements or any other aids) had a 100% erection .... like wow, what an amazing feeling ... I think I almost wanted to cry a couple of times man because this has really been an emotional and humbling experience for me ... It really taught me to take absolutely NOTHING for granted .... especially ur sexual health cuz that aint no joke ... The only irony about this is that although I feel my erection is back to its peak, my libido has suddenly dipped the past couple of days which is funny because i felt i had more of a libido and a weaker of an erection just about a week ago ... eghh i guess all this will balance out in due time :)

Now my only thing is that like i said before, its hard for me to resist females because there is always an opportunity for me to have sex ... I mean literally I can go one pr two months without anything coming up and then the next one 1 opportunity might come or the next 2 months another 3 more ... And most times, especially nowadays I just don't be looking for it ... I unexpectedly might have to get to work since an old friend of mine I was supposed to fuck since last yr is coming into town soon and wants to spend time with me ... damn the only thing im worried about is the fact that i thought that i was cured or almost cured before at around day 56 of PMO before my last relapse but after I mo'd on that day i immediately flatlined again ... That's y im really tryna be weary this time around so that won't keep happening again ... Should i just take the opportunity if it presents itself in a couple of days or should i just wait the remaining 54 days of no PMO and try to get this out of the way for good? *hopefully* ... the cool side of me is sayin that i only got 54 more days to go but the bad side of me is tired of waiting .... Most likely due to the fact that I've already lost ALOT of opportunities to females in the past due to me not being sexually potent I probably will not want to pass up on another female.

Day 170

Ive been tryin to get back in the saddle of u kno wat i mean and for wateva reason I just dont got enough confidence in my erection sustainability to do so ... Im not sure if ive said but back wen i was 19 which was about a lil ova a year ago i use to rely on generic viagra to get me goin ..... It worked beautifully the first 10 times but after that the effectiveness just went down .... Its as if my body grew resistant to it ... Now my question is im tired of waitin for a dependable 100% erection that will make me a sexual beast and i wanted to try levitra and cialis dis time around to see if the different drugs will help a bit .... Let me intervene by sayin i get nice erections (prolly about 80-100% at times on my own but i just for wateva reason dont feel it will be sustainable through intercourse and i definitely cant afford to fail again .... I cuddled wit a female in the bed about 3 weeks to a month ago and although i did get spontaneous erections ALOT (anywhere from 50% to 80% at times) ive tried playin wit her pussy usin my dick and although i could have intercourse, i knew my erection wouldnt last and i would have to go in raw on top of that. Ive been through this already wit 5 different girls and each time i flop is really humuliating) So i just felt a good idea for me to get back in the saddle is by using the levitra and the cialis for the next couple of months and still avoidin porn (which i got -0 tolerance for it while closest comin to a relapse is MO every month or so on average) but to use them switchin up ... so that my body takes a longer time growin tolerant to them

Day 190

I didn't use a condom and I only lasted a minute lol .... I guess that's what happens when you've been out of the saddle for 10 months .... Also had very strong erections and even instances of viagra like erections although they just weren't consistent

Not mad at all because I had to tell myself don't expect YEARS of PMOing multiple times a day to be cured in just a couple of months .... I had to learn that the hard way .... Nothing in life is easy especially dis rebooting "thingamajig" but if u stick at it and just have some patience everything WILL pay off in due time .... I just think some of us are too fixated on rebooting accounts of people on YBOP who needed just that short amount of time to reboot.

I've been on dis no P wit a lil instances here and there for about 190 days and i still am noticing improvements every day .... For one, i don't flatline anymore for two weeks after i MO anymore .... If anything I'm back to normal the following day ... My moods have stabilized. I can masturbate orgasm 10x in a week and not feel mildly depressed anymore .... I just get really drained as if i have a lot of weights on my shoulders.

I also am just naturally all around aggressive and have a superman like aura all around now ... Before anything as one lil orgasm would send me straight to a more passive like presence ... Don't even think about tranny porn at all anymore, and i was glued to that shit hard for almost 2 yrs. Also, gay porn/gay thoughts are pretty much a thing of the past now although I'm not homophobic or anything like that since i can tolerate them.

Can also have strong erections wit females although i cant really keep them for more then a min nor can i have sex with condoms, but which is a blessing in disguise because last year the most i could do was a 50% erection, which couldn't have even been used for penetration .... Lots of improvements, man, and in another 6 months i hope for many more especially the most important being able to have successful sex with condoms cuz i finally can without one ... So I just keep persevering and my hard work will finally pay off in due time. What i learned is that for some things u want in life there is no timetable ....

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BY - fortune20