Age 20 - ED: Was cured once, got engaged, porn addiction caused ED, I broke up with her

Printer-friendly version

unhappy couple in bedFor a decade I've been PMO-ing 1-2x every day and eventually it caught up with me. I've always had to deal with PE but with my last girlfriend (actually fiance) I had my first bitter encounters with ED. Of course it took its toll on our relationship and we eventually we broke up.

Now, as I'm slowly healing and rebooting, I'm trying to focus on the occasions I did have great sex and it just occurred to me: when I met this girl I was so freaking much in love I couldn't watch porn for like 3 months.

I was dating another girl back then (mostly just for fooling around) and of course still avidly PMOing...but when this chick came along something snapped. She just came home from the USA, was 2 years my senior, the valedictorian in her class, most of my friends had a crush on her, she was smart and beautiful...so I knew I had to change something to get her to notice me. Luckily her brother was a good friend of mine so I just kept hanging out with him and somehow she always kept around.

Ok, but how does porn come into the picture? Well, because I was never at home but hanging out with them (still just as her brothers friend) I had no time for porn. Then I broke up with my gf so that I can totally focus on this chick and slowly I realized I was so freakin much in love with her I couldn't look at anyone else. Never happened before, hasn't happened since. Anyway, eventually she actually asked me out(?!) then one date followed another and we ended up in bed.

The first time only foreplay happened and I actually finished in my jeans before I got to remove them. Great PE back on track only much worse, I thought. Turns out I was wrong, the next time we had sex and I lasted for like 30-40 minutes every time, no ED, no PE, was good to go in 10 minutes after each session.

AND I'M AN ASSHOLE because I blew it all. After I got enough confidence, I became fixated on getting better so I started watching all kinds of porn again just so I can edge and stuff like that..you know the deal. Needless to say I became worse and worse in bed after a couple of months and it inevitably led to our breakup. Yes, I didn't even want to talk about it.

What I learned from remembering all this? That nofap works. I only did it because I was spending every minute with her or with my guitar writing songs about her, but it freaking worked. And I lost the love of my life out of ignorance and my addiction. She reached out to me so many times to talk about what the problem may be, and I pushed here away, eventually breaking up the engagement.

She could be my wife today. She was perfect on so many levels...Guys please, keep being committed fapstronauts and if you're in a relationship talk to your SO about your problem.

thanks for taking the time to read (some of) this, it feels much better having written this down. Also. I said in my introductory post that my longest streak ever was 3 weeks a couple of years ago, but during a light meditation I just remembered that's not true.

TL;DR: was cured once, met the love of my life, got engaged, porn addiction cause ED, never talked to her about my problem, eventually I broke up with her and been alone ever since.

LINK - Reading about all these cases of cured ED made me remember...I could have been cured way back then...

by sirkarrde


 

EARLIER POST

Hey Greg, I'm the same age as you and we also share a name. Crazy. Anyway I also suffered from HOCD for eight months or so when I was 18. The funny thing is I was actually engaged then to a beautiful girl but I just kept feeling inadequate and terrified. I was terrified because of all these gay thoughts especially at night. I couldn't sleep, I kept waking up sweating and trembling. It's horrible man. Now, is it caused by porn? I'd say for me it was caused indirectly. Because of porn I had to deal with ED and PE and that made me feel like I'm not a man. Although I did overcome it I think, my porn addiction kept raging on causing me another set of problems, that's why I stopped.

So, how do you deal with HOCD. Well, first of all, it's good you've figured it out that you aren't in denial and in the closet, you just suffer from a certain kind of sexual anxiety. It sucks, I know. Now that you know what HOCD basically is, you can erase this gay self image from your mind. You are not gay. You know you are not gay.

But of course you already know you're straight, still these gay thoughts are swarming in your mind and you can get rid of them. The worst being: but..what if I am? Bullshit! Greg, I can give you some pieces of advice that really helped me. Now, one of them is religious, you can choose to ignore it as there are other things, but still just think about it for a minute and if it's still batshit crazy for you, just do the other things.

  • firstly, start working out. Running, calisthenics, weights whatever. This is gonna help with the dopamine cravings you get after no porn
  • secondly, meditate on stuff. It doesn't have to be done sitting still humming ohm, just try and find your happy place. What definitely worked for me, I went on long walks and just kept thinking about what a beautiful wife I'm gonna have some day and how happy I will be with my kids. That strong mental image was so soothing, so reassuring, I knew THAT'S what I want and no OCD was gonna take that away from me. It' gonna take a while to see results mentally, but keep doing it.
  • do manly stuff. www.artofmanliness.com helped me tremendously over the years. Brett, the creator has a great short vid on youtube called how to feel like a man.
  • affirmations and visualization. Hal Elrod wrote a book 'The Miracle Morning', I suggest you read it. By constantly reassuring yourself that you are a man, and seeing your manly self mentally, you slowly change how you percieve yourself. I also imagined telling friends about my HOCD when I get older and in these mental situations I always said: Yes, I had to deal with it when I was 18 for 6 brutal months. No more. (Like I said it took me a good 7-8 months, but no more).
  • lastly if you believe in God or an all-good Absolute just remember this: God loves you. Any constant agony or anxiety comes from the evil, not from Him, therefore it is not His plan for you to walk that path. If it causes you to be unhappy and nervous, that is not your life and you should in no manner accept it. You can also pray for your happy place to happen, just ask and be persistent.

Hope that helps brother, I too deal with sexual anxiety, but these helped me a lot and I can say HOCD is not an issue for me anymore, it's all insecurity caused by porn. Luckily, nofap helps you with that and we can be the men we want and deserve to be. I wish you all the best.