Age 20 - Porn addiction & longstanding fetish are gone

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I was completely normal, and excelling at all areas of life. I was confident, intelligent, charismatic, and had almost no problem getting girls attracted to me. Yet, when it came to the sexual realm, I was a dismal failure. I had no experience whatsoever, and dreaded every additional sexual opportunity for fear that it would end up a disastrous failure like many before. I even thought that I would die a virgin. I never thought that I'd be able to have normal sex. I always thought that my brain was just hard-wired to only be turned on by this fetish, similar to the way a gay gay can only be turned on by cock, and cannot appreciate sex with a woman. Little did I know that the fetish I thought was hard-wired within me, was simply the result of my porn-viewing habits. It was a hell of my own making.

Before I begin to tell you my about the long, hard road out of hell... I'd like to take the time to say how grateful I am for coming across this wonderful knowledge. Stumbling upon YourBrainOnPorn has been an absolute Godsend, and I feel quite blessed to have been presented with this knowledge at this point in my life. Although I have lost several years due to the poisonous plague known as porn addicition, I am grateful to find out the truth about pornography at such a relatively young age - I'm 20 now. And although porn had taken its toll on my teenage years and I would have preferred not to have been hooked on it at all....What can I really say besides, better late than never?

Let's begin where it all started - Middle School - During my Middle School years, I remember being an excellent student. Hands down, the most intelligent, disciplined and motivated student in my class. Not to sound arrogant, but I was definitely the smartest student hands down. I use to ace tests left and right, getting 100s on all my assignments with little to no effort. And when there were projects that required some extra effort - I would go above and beyond, often putting an considerable amount of additional effort solely to gain some extra credit. There was definitely something different about me, and I wasn't like the other kids.

Don't get me wrong, I was your typical preteen, I was a guy's guy, interested in guy things, and most importantly - girls.

There was one major different between me and my peers - I didn't watch porn. I remember several of my female classmates asking the guys how often they masturbated to porn. I replied that I never did, and was quite dumbfounded that it was something of the norm.

If I had only knew the countless negative effects this seemingly "normal" habit would have later on down the road...

Unfortunately for me, I would fall into the trap of chronic masturbation all in due time. At first it was normal playboy nudes - erotic yet tasteful nudes of gorgeous blondes with beautiful breasts and perfectly shaped butts. But soon enough, I would experience that fateful day...

I came across one of Playboy's erotic stories and I became hooked in no time. That is, hooked to the fantasy of femdom. The story had many different characters in various sexual situations. But for some reason I became fascinated with the part about the dominatrix. Reading passages about how she whipped someone into shape and burned him with a hot cattle-prod excited me for some strange reason. Looking back at it now, I was probably so engulfed by this fantasy for no other reason that it being the biggest novelty.

This incident during my formative years lead me onto the road of being hooked on femdom. From that point on, all I would search on the internet would be porn sites with the themes of female dominance and male humiliation. The images I came across were nothing like I had ever seen before, and I became more and more addicted the more I fed into this dark fantasy world that I had created for myself. Oftentimes, it would just be the images or videos that I would look for. Just as often, I would search for erotic stories which had these themes, and simply jerk off the fantasy formed in my mind, with no actual visual or audio stimulation.

Unsurprisingly, the idea of normal intercourse just wouldn't do it for me anymore. By the time I was in high school, femdom fantasies were a deeply ingrained part of my psyche. It became almost as if I had begun living two separate lives, the normal life where I would be friendly and socialize with other people my age like a normal high school kid, and the other one, where I would come home to masturbate and fantasize about increasingly sick and disturbing images. The things I fanticized about were completely incompatible with the who I was outside the confines of the masturbation headquarters - a confident, friendly, outgoing kid who liked to play sports and go out and have a good time.

It wouldn't be long before excessive masturbation to such disturbing images would catch up on me...

Case and point, the first day of high school.

LINK - The Long Hard Road Out of Hell (95+ days) - 6 consecutive days of sex

BY - Journey to Freedom


 

Day 70

Even as I sit here in front of my computer talking to some friends and catching up on some schoolwork, I have absolutely ZERO desire to ever go back to the downward spiral of PMO ever again.

The way I see it, me going back to PMO would be like a heroine addict going back to the drug that brought him withing a few minutes of losing his life. It boggles my mind how certain people on this forum (most notably Romantic) are making entire multiple page-long threads advocating PMO-ing "in moderation."

By the way Romantic, you mentioned that you never seen anyone on here who's gone beyond 30 days... Well I'm at 70, what do you have to say about that?

Let me tell you one thing that may not be clear to all of you guys - We are all here because this addiction ruined our lives. And trying to feed that addiction by PMOing "in moderation" is most certainly playing with fire - in a way that you most certainly WILL get burnt.

We are addicts, just like the various junkies you've seen on the streets. We may not be homeless and begging for food to survive, but we have had our lives transform for the worse because of our addictions. We have had our social lives destroyed, faced crippling social anxiety, and suffered through devastating depression that prevented us from functioning in society. Sound familiar? This is exactly what most other drug addicts face when their entire existence is based on getting that next hit. We're no fucking different!

Everyone's brain is wired to be addicted to various things. A lot of my friends can't go a day without smoking weed. Sure, I enjoy the feeling I when I'm high, but I don't have a craving for it. I've done cocaine tons of times. Did I enjoy it? Yes I did. Did I become addicted to it? Not in the slightest. Porn was my ultimate downfall.

We aren't any different from any of the other drug addicts our there - the only difference is our choice of drug.

Having a "few peaks here and there" will most certainly lead to relapse. Do you really want to relapse after struggling for weeks or months on end? I certainly don't. That'd be like a boxer beating opponent after opponent, only to walk away from the championship match... Wouldn't that be the ultimate disgrace? - backing out of the battle when you're only a few breaths away from victory

This isn't my first reboot attempt. I've been fighting this demon since mid-January. But finally, I can say that I've got it under control. I don't even use any internet blocker anymore. I know that not using a blocker, makes porn and suggestive content only a sec away. But I'm at the point where I know better. I know that if I go down that road, I'll be the ghost of a man I once was. I won't be the normal, healthy functioning human being that I am today.

I can almost envision what will happen if I begin relapsing, cause that was the life of my former PMO-addicted self not that long ago. I was a shell of a man, I would get nervous whenever I would see an attractive girl near me in public. I knew I had absolutely nothing to worry about - the few times I did strike up the conversation, it went really well, and I ended up talking to them for a few weeks. But ultimately, it lead to nowhere, cause the monkey on back of being a sexually inexperienced virgin would eventually cause me to self-sabatouge myself and prevented wonderful relationships from blossoming with these amazingly beautiful women. Well, needless to say, thanks to abstaining from PMO, I am a virgin no more. This isn't going to be a issue that haunts me ever again. It has finally been taken care of.

Also, during my darkest days, I could barely function as a student or an employee. I would never be on time for anything - be it class or work. I would always be the one who disrupts the whole class by walking in late. Not anymore. I haven't been late to class or an appointment since I began my current reboot. I couldn't concentrate on an assignment for more than a few minutes. I was an extreme procrastinator - I would either leave the assignment till the very last minute, hand it in late, or not hand it in at all. I almost failed out of uni due to these habits.

Not anymore - I genuinely enjoy my schoolwork nowadays. When my roommates are sleeping it off due to their desire to avoid schoolwork any chance they get, I'm and diligently reading a book or doing coursework. I've noticed that abstaining from PMO has caused me to have a much higher energy level than others around me. The only time I ever had experienced this was in middle school - right before I became hopelessly addicted to the poison of the mind that is pornography. I think I have reached a new golden age for myself. I feel a sense of euphoria and wonderment that I haven't experienced since I was a child/adolescent prior to getting caught up in all this.

When it comes to girls - I'm more confident than I ever was before. To be honest, I was pretty confident all along. I had no problem coming up to a breathtakingly beautiful girl in public, having a phenomenal conversation with her, and getting her number. But like I've said before, these text / phone convos would often lead nowhere due to my own deep seated insecurities about being sexually inexperienced. I had no problem making out with multiple girls at the clubs at night, but the intense anxiousness would miraculously appear once it came time to take her home. Even though I had an amazing time getting to know this beautiful girl, and spending a magical night with her, something inside me would dread coming back to her place.

Now how pathetic is that? Isn't that one of the saddest things you've ever heard when it comes to masculinity.

Porn castrates you -

  • psychologically - making you afraid or sex, causing you to dread the moment due to performance anxiety
  • physically - prevents you from maintaining a strong enough erection to actually have sex

What's more devastating to a man's ego than being unable to have sex? I can't think of anything.

My last sexual encounter was a few weeks ago. I met a girl, went to her place and didn't have any problems getting rock hard. She gave me oral, we showered together, and she gave me oral again afterwards. Never at one point did I have difficulty getting hard. Granted, I didn't have penetrative sex, but I'm sure I would've lasted longer than my first time.

I don't have nowhere near as much anxiety as I use to when it comes to striking up a conversation with girls. I went to a bar with a few friends last night. The bar was dead, there was almost nobody aside from my friends there. Nobody, aside from a 3 cute girls. It only took me a few seconds to strike up a conversation and sit at their table. I genuinely enjoyed getting to know them, and didn't simply imagine using them for their holes. Granted, the one that I was the most attracted to had a boyfriend. But that didn't stop me from genuinely enjoying getting to know her and exploring the city with the three of them.

Today, I ended up talking to a wonderfully cute girl at the museum. I noticed her body language and that she was walking just slightly closer to me than usual. Complimented her, she was very pleasantly surprised that I was so direct. Ended up walking around with her for the remainder of my museum visit, and we have made plans to meet tomorrow night.

Not only do I know have more confidence than ever, but I am no longer sabatouging myself when it comes to taking these interactions / relationships further. It feels like I am a new man. It's almost as if I have genuine, deep appreciation at the marvel of life and all its beauty stemming from deep inside me.

I'm getting slightly emotional as I am writing this post. For I know how hard the journey has been for me to get to the place I am today. How much I have struggled, how much was sacrificed and missed out on, only makes me appreciate my life from this point on that much more.

My appreciation of nature is stronger than ever. Just marveling at the beauty of the sun, the trees, the birds makes me all happy inside. It gives me an extra reason to defeat this addiction. I know that returning to the dark path that I had previously traveled on will disconnect me from the joy of life and the beauty that surrounds me.


 

Day 71

(trigger warnings)  After feeling completely on the top of the world the previous day, I'd say I took a little bit of a hit.

The night started off with meeting a couple of friends for a night on the town. We started off with a little bit of whiskey mixed with coke (the soda, not the drug). Then we were passing a few joints around. Can't say exactly how many joints we went through, my guess is probably somewhere around 2-3.

My next move was to head to a prostitute. She was very friendly went I came in. Putting a condom on was slightly difficult since I didn't get hard right away. Then, I couldn't get an erection while she was giving me a handjob.

Only after she sat on my chest with her ass facing towards me, and started talking dirty did I manage to get hard. She began stroking my cock in order to prepare me for actual sex. But after her stroking my cock for a very brief period of time, I came.

She was very surprised that I only lasted for such a short period of time. And so was I. Felt kinda devastated. I admitted to her that I wasn't that sexually experienced to begin with.

She asked me how much marijuana I smoked before coming to see her. I said I didn't know the exact amount, but it was a few joints. She said that was the heart of the problem, as to why I didn't last long. Cause of the marijuana. She said I shouldn't smoke before sex.

I've heard from several female friends about their experiences with guys not being able to get it up due smoking marijuana. I didn't think this would be the case with me this time, because I didn't smoke that much to begin with.

On the other hand, when I do smoke a considerable amount, I get extremely horny - SEX is the only thing on my mind, and I begin experiencing spontaneous erections. My entire existing at that point in time centers around the desire for intercourse.

Maybe smoking a little bit causes erectile dysfunction, while smoking A LOT causes a huge increase in libido and increased erections? Maybe it's different for everybody. Anyone have any experience or greater insight into this?

Being extremely devastated, I did not want to end the night on such a sour note. The prostitute recommended that I come back to visit her that night, after getting off the effects of marijuana and taking a viagra. I knew I wouldn't be able to get my hands on the magic blue pill anytime soon, but I wanted to try my chances once again.

I ended up visiting her again. The second time around, it was much easier for me to get hard.

I did manage to have successful penetrative sex with her, although I did lose my erection a few times during the encounter. By the time I got the hang of it, I was fucking her at a regular pace. I didn't come from penetration, so she finished me off by sitting on my chest, with her ass towards me, and working my cock with her hand. Seeing her ass in my face seems to have turned me on the most.

Overall, this was a disappointing experience for me. It comes as a great contrast to feeling on top of the world just one day prior.

It makes me feel that all that I have been through since mid-January didn't pay off, since I still had trouble getting hard after all this time.

I am seriously considering viagra and other pills at this time.


 

Day 74

Been kinda down lately due to my previous experience having a hard time getting it up during my last sexual encounter.

Just have been staying at home during some housework that I've been procrastinating up until this time.

I skyped with the girl that ended up giving me head a few weeks ago. Without even talking about anything sexually suggestive, I felt a rock hard erection just seeing her face and talking to her.

Maybe I need a certain level of emotional connection to really get turned on by a girl.

Maybe part of the reason I didn't get erect during my visit to the prostitute was the anxiety that came with being in an unfamiliar situation with her.

What do you guys think?


 

Day 76

Woke up an hour an and a half earlier than I needed to. Went back to sleep. Wasn't as enthusiastic as I was the other day.

This all changed when I finally rolled out of bed and hopped into a cold shower. Great decision. It made me feel alive first thing in the morning. Afterwards, I felt like I had the energy to take on the world.

After taking a bit of time to get ready, I started heading to class. A very peculiar thing happened on my way to class. - I began feeling a sense of elation at being outside. Everything was sunny and beautiful. The amazing sights made me feel an overwhelming sense of joy that I'm alive and breathing. The feeling lasted the entire time I was outside.

Then I finally came to class. I noticed that a lot of people were zombie-like - they couldn't function without drinking hard coffee. Not me, the cold shower wake me up from my lethargic feelings, and the beautiful views outside only gave me more and more energy. I didn't need coffee to function like a lot of people, it was just an added bonus.

Glancing across the room I noticed one of my good friends was falling asleep in class. He had a very hard time keeping his eyes open and his head was bopping up and down. The last time I experienced this, was when I was deep into my PMO addiction, PMO-ing maybe about 3 times a day on the regular. Come to think of it, this dude mentioned that he does watch a lot of porn. Yeah, from my experience, the main cause of low energy amongst young males today isn't a lack of exercise or proper diet (although they do play a significant role), it is overexposure to pornography and frequent masturbation. I knew what the issue was as soon as I looked across the room.

Our professor handed our tests back. I ended up getting only a 70, which was much lower than I expected, since I knew the material quite well. After looking through the exam, I noticed that the math did not add up properly. After everyone had left class, I decided the ask the professor why he took off so much for certain parts. After re-examining the test, the professor did admit that he calculated the math incorrectly. After making the proper corrections, he recalculated the exam, and I ended up getting a 90. If I was still in my PMO-induced brain fog, I probably wouldn't have even come up to the professor, I would have just took the 70, and been slightly depressed for the rest of the day. So yeah, quiting PMO does improve your academic career as well  ;)

Once I got home, I was finally motivated to make my own food. I've only started making my own food about 2 weeks ago, and it makes me feel like a real man. The added sense of accomplishment that you get after making a nice, delicious meal for yourself is absolutely amazing. This was my only meal of the day, since I'm currently trying IF - intermittent fasting. (I'll post more on that later)

That was the first half of the day, and it was absolutely amazing. I felt almost as amazing as I did on Day 70.

But the intense feelings of joy and elation all leveled-out from this point on. I got on my computer and spent the rest of the day on dating sites. I've noticed that my previous porn addiction has been replaced by dating sites in the last month.

Needless to say, dating sites are a lot less harmful since they don't change the brain or fuel any of the psychological problems stemming from PMO. But, they are indeed a time waster. In the past 2 months since I've been completely off PMO, I can recall plenty of days where I would do nothing but browse the sites all day and talk to various girls.

I know admit I have a problem. I have now taken the first step by admitting it. And I am willing to cut back almost completely.

What do you guys recommend would be a good amount of time to limit my activity on dating sites to?


 

Day 79

Woke up this morning with the sun shining on me. Looked over to the black computer screen, and saw the reflection of my abs. Reminded me of my struggle and why I'm doing this. Was working out intensely in the past few days, and it's nice to see it pay off.

I've also been practicing Intermittent Fasting for the past few days, and I am seeing results - I look more muscular over all.

With the sun shining down on me, I felt more alive than I ever have first thing in the morning. I began feeling a very strong erection.

I was on vacation during this time and got ready to go on a tour bus that was heading towards the beach. I cute girl sat next to me and started flirting a bit. While she was sitting next to me, for the first time in recent memory, I began experiencing rock hard erections just sitting and talking to her. It was a good experience, and showed me that I was on the right track.

After coming home, I met up with some extended family and friends that I haven't seen in ages. I noticed that I was much more at ease with them than I was the last time we met. The conversations of catching up flowed much more easily, and there was no anxiousness or anxiety I had previously experienced. No social awkwardness at all. I felt completely present and "in the moment."

I met up with them for a delicious dinner - It was my first meal of the day since I had been Intermittent Fasting, and it was absolutely delicious. I had felt a unique sense of joy that I had never felt during encounters with family friends all the previous 5+ years I had been under the spell of PMO. Some of them had subconsciously felt this as well, and had complimented on how good I look now.

After the dinner, I ended up walking home. Along the way, I came across a Sex Museum. I had to go in. I knew that now was the perfect moment to see how far I had gotten over the course of my entire journey. I knew that there was almost no chance that going to this museum would trigger a relapse after coming this far and seeing how much damage PMO had caused me over the course of my entire life.

Visiting the Sex Museum was a great choice. I managed to gauge how much my brain had re-adjusted to real sex after all this time. Thankfully, I visited it at this point in my life, well over two months into my reboot. I know full well that if I had visited the museum while still in the PMO-induced brain fog, it would have triggered a massive PMO-binge once I had come back home. But alas, this didn't happen.

I made my walked around inquisitively. I could feel a certain amount of lust in the eyes of other young male museum goers. I could see their eyes and entire being were so completely enamored by these artificial images of stimulated sex. Their eyes were beaming with lust. I felt quite different from them however. I saw all the sexually charged displays, and viewed them no differently as any other museum display.

Then I walked into the Femdom room. This was the fetish that consumed most of my fantasies during my PMO addiction. 99% percent of the fantasies, scenes and images I masturbated to had to do with Femdom in some way, shape or form. But now, walking into the room, it did nothing for me at all. I was actually kinda amusingly confused as to how this fetish had consumed so much of my sexual and emotional energy. I looked at all the displays, and thought to myself - this is all kinda silly, I'm glad this part of my life is behind me, I'll never go back ever again.

I believe this museum visit was one of the most significant events in the entire reboot process for me thus far. It showed me that my sexuality is no longer consumed by this fetish that had taken about so much of my time and energy. It also showed me that I am no longer turned on by artificial sexual stimulus that is pornography - whether it be pictures, magazines or video.

Feeling confident, I went to go visit a prostitute. She started giving me oral. Her head bobbing up and down my cock felt so good, and I ended up coming within minutes. I felt kinda ashamed and defeated that my PE got the better of me.

I went home with two conflicting feelings -

  1. A great sense of accomplishment that I am no longer turned on by artificially simulated sex scenes, and that I am no longer turned on by the fetish that engulfed so much of my sexuality and energy during my PMO-days.
  2. Slightly defeated that my PE made me ejaculate within minutes.

 

Day 90

Now that I've experienced successful sex at Day 90 - something I had never thought possible before.

The only thing standing in the way of achieving all of my wildest dreams and turning my fantasies into reality is wasteful internet usage.

I have cut out PMO (the most devastating habit I have ever had) and mindless television & commercial consumption.

Controlling my computer usage and steering clear of mindless internet browsing is the final frontier towards freedom.


 

Day 91

91 days in, my cock looks bigger than ever. Much bigger than I can ever remember is being.

This past weekend, I have had sex with 3 girls in a row.

Girl 1 - Friday afternoon.

Girl 2 - Friday afternoon - Sunday night

Girl 3 - Sunday night - Monday morning

What freshstart is saying is quite true - the more you abstain from PMO, and the more you have sex with real women, the more bigger your dick will get.


 

Day 92

Similar to you, I had a fetish that had cost me years of my life. It destroyed my high school experience, and prevented me for making connections with many beautiful, amazing women that were looking to get into a relationship with me.

Thankfully my life is completely different now. In an hour, I'm meeting up with the girl I spent all weekend with, the one I'm seriously considering making my girlfriend.

In regards to my fetish -

I felt extremely ashamed.

How was it that I could only get turned on by something so dark and perverse?

What was wrong with me that I couldn't get turned on by normal sexual intercourse?

Was I permanently fucked in the head that the sight of a beautiful naked woman laying next to make not do anything to turn me on? Why couldn't I get an erection with a woman no matter how hard I tried, yet I could get an erection instantaneously when viewing fucked up pornography?

These were all questions that were constantly coming to mind each time I failed to have sexual intercourse with a woman. The pattern of sexual failure led to ever increasing feelings of shame and worthlessness. I grew to despise myself for not being able to have sex with a woman.

It puzzled me. I was completely normal, and excelling at all areas of life. I was confident, intelligent, charismatic, and had almost no problem getting girls attracted to me. Yet, when it came to the sexual realm, I was a dismal failure. I had no experience whatsoever, and dreaded every additional sexual opportunity for fear that it would end up a disastrous failure like many before.

As I've mentioned before, I even thought that I would die a virgin. I never thought that I'd be able to have normal sex. I always thought that my brain was just hard-wired to only be turned on by these fetish, similar to the way a gay gay can only be turned on by cock, and cannot appreciate sex with a woman. Little did I know that the fetish I thought was hard-wired within me, was simply the result of my porn-viewing habits. It was a hell of my own making.

Thankfully, I managed to have successful sex with 3 different girls over the course of this weekend. The last sexual encounter being the most satisfying. I was surprised and relieved that I managed to last so long in bed. This latest sexual encounter increased my sexual confidence greatly, and has removed any doubt that I previously had about the effectiveness of the reboot process..