Age 21 - Depersonalization: a 90-day report
September 25, 2013
This is going to be a 90 day report of some kind, however I feel that I'm far from where I want to be and I have a long way to go. I'm going to tell it like it is in this thing and I apologize in advance if the writing style seems a choppy.
First I'll cut to the chase and tell what improvements I noticed.
Larger balls - There is no doubt about it my balls grew larger during my 90 days with no PMO.
Brain fog - It sat in hard during my reboot and almost became debilitating I really felt like a retard. However in the last two weeks it's gotten slightly better and more manageable.
Calmer mind - Over the past week which is my last week of the initial 90 day period this deep sense of calmness has come over me unlike anything I've felt in a long time. My life is pure shit right now, my family is falling apart, I'm battling depersonalization and I'm also severely depressed. And you know what? I'm calmer than I've been in years, I just don't give a fuck.
I can get an erection by just touch and no stimuli and masturbate successfully to orgasm without deathgripping. That's alot of improvement from jacking off to porn and having a weak ass erection and an extremely lackluster orgasm.
My penis looks better, it's slightly more vascular and even when it's not hard the skin in see through. You can see the veins underneath the skin and stuff.
I may have missed something but I'm not sure. Anyway it's been a hell of a journey so far, during this time I've battle depersonalization so badly it's not even funny. I've been to the lowest I've ever been. I've lived an existence that has been pure hell on earth. For a couple weeks there I hated my existence. I don't even know why I didn't attempt suicide.
My depersonalization hasn't gone away completely but it's changed slightly, but I'm not going to do into detail with that right now. Although I've had very brief moments where I've felt almost completely normal. I greatly look forward to the day that it leaves me for good. It's pure hell and unless you've experienced it you cannot even imagine.
I was depressed before all of this and didn't even know it. I fear that I've really screwed with my brain chemisty during the last couple years of my life with benzos, SSRI, and PMO. I'd become a zombie and didn't even realize it until earlier this year. Had depersonalization not struck me I'd still be doing it today. It took something this horrible and drastic to make me realize what I was doing.
I'm not quite sure what I believe in but I feel like this was meant to happen to me. It's a path I have to take and walk down, go through, endure, and eventually one day I'm going to emerge from the other side of this victorious. I'll be stronger than ever.
Over the last couple weeks I've begun to see improvements in myself slowly. I've started to feel slightly optimistic and feel like this isn't the end of me. Things are far from good though. I still have to learn how to live with this depersonalization and try to recover from it. I'm severely depresssed and I'm not sure if it's contributing to the depersonalization or if it is what's actually causing it.
In the libido department I'm also bad off. I probably have a record for flatline, because I've been in one for over 90 days now. A bad one, no morning wood, no nothing. Real life girls don't interest me at all and neither does porn. I feel completely asexual, however I can get an erection from just touch.
I decided to MO without any fantasy because I've heard that after extended flatline some people have reawakened their libidos by MOing. So far I don't see how it's helped any, but at the same time it's not hurt either. It didn't make my brain fog worse like it did the last time I relapsed to PMO. I didn't feel guilty and it actually felt kind of natural and right.
I'm going to list some things that helped me and couple tips that might help somebody.
1. Zero Tolerance - Don't touch your dick unless your pissing or washing it. No questions just don't.
2. I went at this like there was no other option, because quite frankly there wasn't for me. I was already so far down with depersonalization and depression that there was no other option. It was no fap or I was done for. I basically went at this like my life depended on it.
3. Elliott Hulse - Guy is amazing, look up his youtube channels. He has advise on pretty much anything, his answers are always no bullshit from the heart holistic answers. Bioenergetics is a very interesting subject and I think alot of us could benefit from it. Just take my word for it and look this guy up. He's my hero/mentor.
4. Music - I don't play music at all, but I love to listen to it. When I'm down and I'm too depressed to do anything else I'll lay down and listen to music. I listen to songs that talk about real shit, real problems. One band I spent alot of time listening to during this is Staind. Their lead singer Aaron Lewis is amazing. They have a cover of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" that is great. Most beatiful song I've ever heard in my life, and I didn't know this before but one of the meanings of the song is actually describing depersonalization. It makes me feel better knowing that other people have gone through what I'm going through right now and I'm not alone.
I'm still far from where I know I should be, and I'm not calling this a success story yet. I know nofap isn't a cure all, but there is definately something too it. When I get my libido back I'm going to call this a success. Until then I fight on, I'm never going back to watching porn under any circumstances. I just have a feeling in my soul that this is all intertwined. That this depression and everything else will fade in time as my brain straightens itself out. I also have to get back to lifting weights. I've let all this ruin my weight lifting, I used to love to lift now I just don't care anymore. I'm in some of the worst shape I've been in years.
Also a warning about cold showers. I began to take cold showers longer before I knew about no fap. I'd been taking cold showers for over a year and I started to feel fatigued all the time and didn't know why. It dawned on my one day that they might be connected, I quit taking cold showers and I started to have more energy. I don't know if it's coincidence but I think the ice cold showers over time had beaten down my body or nervous system or something. I think they're a good idea short term but don't do it for long.
FIRST POST - Quick question (With long backstory)
March 24, 2013,
Is there any evidence of a reboot curing or greatly improving anxiety attacks, and depression?
Here is a little background on me. I started masturbating around age twelve, and I have been doing it almost everyday since then. Longest time without it was two weeks when I tried a reboot once because after reading about this stuff on yourbrainonporn, and to be honest the only reason I think I made it that far was because I was on zoloft and it killed my libido so hard. Anywho as I aged and had more access to the internet I would masturbate more and more. First it was pictures of girls, then pictures of heterosexual porn, then movies, and I'd get into all kinds of little niches, fetishes, and whatnot. Every chance I had alone I would get on the internet, look up porn and masturbate. Eventually regular stuff wasn't enough. I started watching tranny movies, and in my opinion I'm a straight guy. I have no attraction to men. Well one day in my senior year of high school I was walking in between classes and this extreme anxiety took over me. It scared the hell out of me, and I tried to sit in class but I freaked, walked out of the classroom and headed to the counselors office. Luckily they knew what was going on and told me I was more than likely having a panic attack. It was nice to know what it was but it still didn't make me feel much better. After that first experience I worried about feeling that way again, because I used to have anxiety attacks back when I was around 10 years old and I was afraid they were rearing their ugly head once more. Unfortunately I was right, not a day went by that I didn't have one and some days I would have multiple. When I wasn't having one I was worried about having one. I went to my general doctor and who just happened to be a pediatrician and he prescribed me some hydrozine or something like that. A allergy medicine to help me relax during school so I could hopefully graduate. It didn't work at all, and I was desperate so I went to another doctor. He prescribed me xanax and zoloft and explained to me that xanax was very addictive. My mom was strongly against both of them and after a while she caved and agreed to let me take xanax, but not zoloft. I took the xanax and it fixed my problem for a little while, the first time I took it was amazing. I thought I had found my cure, a magic pill that made me relax and feel euphoric. But soon it didn't work, I needed more. I took more than I was supposed to because I didn't care and I was becoming depressed thinking that I would be doomed to suffer anxiety attacks the rest of my life. I became agoraphobic and didn't like to leave my house. I somehow managed to graduate high school but afterwords I let the agoraphobia take over my life and keep me from going to college. I had no job, no education other than high school, no friends, no one who understood me other than my mom because she had panic attacks when she was my age. I went into a really dark place into my life, and my mom finally agreed to let me take zoloft. It took a couple of weeks to work, and when it did I felt pretty good. I got out and found a job and starting working, starting recovering in my opinion. Only side-effect I noticed at the time was the fact that I had absolutely almost zero libido. However watching porn and masturbating was still one of my favorite things to do, I could get it up but it just took a little while and it wasn't quit as hard as it should have been and I attributed this to the zoloft. I didn't like that, but I had to make a choice and if it meant living a semi-normal life then I would endure it. In my head I justified it by saying it didn't matter anyway because I didn't have a girlfriend and I thought I would never lose my virginity, which I still have to this day and I'm 21.
Between the klonopin I was switched to and the zoloft I didn't care about anything, I didn't even want a girlfriend. I didn't have anxiety attacks but I didn't feel much either. My emotions were severely blunted, my grandfather died last year while I was still on zoloft and I literally only shed about three tears and we were pretty close. One night in january I woke up and I felt really weird, like I was somehow slightly detached from everything around me. It's a really weird feeling, and even harder to explain. Sort of like you are looking through a sheet of glass or wearing a mask that limits peripheral vision. Like my right eye is dominant, and my nose is constantly in my field of view, also I was very conscious of differences of the ground, slopes, etc and was kind of off balance. I was scared that I was finally losing my mind and it horrified me, I had a panic attack and it set me back, I had a couple more, and I lost confidence. I did some research and the only thing I could find was something called derealization, but I don't know if that's it. It is a really vague, but annoying, scary feeling. I had felt it once before when I smoked some weed, and it sent me into panic attack and I found out weed wasn't for me. It went on for a couple of days, I prayed that it would quit, it didn't. One night I got sick of it and went to the ER because no docs were open after I got off work. I tried to explain to them how I felt and they took me for a crazy person and sent me off to a mental hospital against my will and I not I have to pay for that and I have absolutely no insurance. I decided that if the zoloft wasn't going to help me anymore that I would quit it, I also read that one of the side-effects of zoloft is that weird feeling and that sealed the deal. I asked my doctor how to quit it and I followed his directions. I've been off zoloft for about a week and a half now and I feel slightly better but no quite right. I've been dealing with SSRI withdrawal which for me is random bouts of extreme nausea, with other weird things like electric zap sensations in my head and weird things happening with my vision like my periphial vision flickering like someone was turning a light switch on and off rapidly. I had tapered off the other miedication called klonopin last september so it's been about seven months and that one and as of right now I am medication free and I feel like that is the only way to go because most of those psychiatric medicines cause more problems than they fix.
I know it's alot but I would like to provide some background so maybe someone could tell me if they think that my problem might have been caused by years of masturbating. Could my initial panic attack be my brain finally paying me back for abusing it?
LINK - 90 Day Report