Age 21 - "The process works" (ED)
26 Sept (My story)
I think it is about time for me to tell my story, and be a part of the group of people who are recovering, although I think I am just about recovered.
I am going to be a bit thorough with my addiction to PMO, so that people can find similarities, or comment, or whatever. I came across pornography, of all places, in the library. PARENTS PLEASE SUPERVISE YOUR KIDS INTERNET ACTIVITY. I was doing homework there because I could not concentrate at home; I have a family of 8. Extended family are also frequent visitors. This would make it almost impossible to work in the house, or find peace and quiet. As I was at the library, one boy, who was sitting beside me, was looking at a picture of a woman with huge breasts. When I looked over, he exited the page abruptly, and began to laugh hysterically. I remember it pretty vividly. As a matter of fact, I remember the boy, the room, the computers, and the woman distinctly. That began the slope down to an addiction.
I knew I had to have more of the pornography, but had severe limitations. The family computer was in the living room, and public computers were too conspicuous although that rarely deters the mind of an addict. At first, I would only look at the family computer when my family was not there. I would search on google terms that were raunchy, but could be construed innocently. I am laughing at myself while writing this. I would look up words like melons, fatty. I remember being so scared that my parents/family would find out. I was so consumed by this addiction, which I now understand to be burst of dopamine that eventually that was not enough. I started surfing more hardcore material on both public computers and library computers.
Imagine a 13 year old child constantly looking over his shoulder, while looking at lewd material. I WAS SO LAME. I am sure many people noticed, and turned a blind eye. I was not the only one either. At that point I had never masturbated. I actually never masturbated until I was 16 yo. This is a point that I want to make because I was getting rock solid erections until I was 18. So, I wonder if masturbation is a real problem with pornography. The act of looking at pornography by itself did not affect my erections, but I was also young, and not really seeing that hardcore material.
Eventually, I found out about masturbating to ejaculation. I was 16 yo. I live in very religious family, so sex really never came up unless it was about celibacy. Both of my parents were virgins when they were married, and preach celibacy and a pure lifestyle. I heard so much talk about it that, one day i masturbated to ejaculation, and it was like a breakthrough. I remember that vividly as well. My penis felt like a warm pleasurable fire.
Put that with pornography, and you have a problem. I would wait patiently for everyone in my family to go to bed, very often. As soon as they would go to bed, I was on the computer masturbating to pornography. The started to feel awful about the habit very early on. I am very religious, and I cant reconcile pornography with my religious belief. Moreover, I was taking advantage of the full faith of my family. I have still never spoken about it to them or anyone else, matter of fact.
So, I wanted to quit for those reasons for a long time. I would say since I was 15, but I was not very serious about it. By the time I was a senior in high school. I was committed and dedicated to quitting, but I really could not put it down. Many nights I would climb into bed, and I could not stand myself. I would make another excuse, and say that it was the last time, but would do it the next day.
I went to college, and I got a laptop. MISTAKE... I never had been as addicted to PMO as I was then. It started off relatively under control, maybe once a day, but it quickly got out of hand. Looking back on it; I would PMO every chance I got, between classes. Before I went to bed, when I was waking up. My grades suffered; my social life suffered. I can name sooo many women, who were giving extremely obvious signals of attraction and want, that I completely ignored. I was already taken, and mentally checked out. My life was really a haze; enjoyable, but there was so many real people, conversations, relationships that I missed because of this addiction.
I had wanted to quit for years now, and I was completely serious by the end of my freshman year. I had enough of the bad grades, lack of time, and my spirituality had suffered. I tried and failed, tried and failed. Over and over again. I would try punish myself by fasting for a day if I watched pornography. That did not work, I just only lost weight. I tried to be more spiritual, that worked to an extent, but I had done it my whole life. So, I was not giving up, but I was not making significant progress.
During this period, I lost my virginity. I get a lot of women, but I was on a strictly religious celibacy thought, so I had turned down numerous fully sexual encounters. I had always been a fan of kissing, grinding, touching, but I would not allow it to go all the way. I know you might say why would you watch all that pornography, and when offered a genuine situation turn it down? I had always thought PMO was bad, but was addicted.
When I lost my virginity I had an erection, and I was having sex with the girl with a condom. It really did not feel that good. I was bored actually, I lost the erection after maybe ten minutes. She wanted more sex, but I was done. The next time I tried to have sex with a woman was a disaster. I had an erection at first, but I lost it before I ever penetrated. Condom use was really hard, not a hard erection, and I was fumbling with the condom. She was disappointed to say the least. But, I was sleepy, so I went to bed. Two or three in the morning, I had that morning wood. She felt it, and stuck my penis into her without a condom. I had an erection, so I might have well use it was the sentiment. Another woman, I could not get an erection hard enough to put on the condom. So I went in with out a prophylactic yet again. This reckless decision came because of my ED.
A year passed, I became a junior in college. My computer broke, probably because of the compromising sites that I frequented. I said, I was not getting another one until I broke my habit. I went maybe a week on, then binged for two or three. Then had another successful week, and the same thing.
I finally had a small breakthrough when I read the book Psycho Cybernetics, which was immensely helpful. I was clean maybe 2 weeks. After binging again. I looked up your brain on porn (YBOP). After using both the techniques from Psycho Cybernetics and reading about my brain on YBOP, I went 37 days. That ended about a month ago.
It's not all good: I binged for 2 weeks. I watched softcore porn, booty shaking videos use to have my number. Now, I am on week 3 clean. But, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I have won. Even if I go back for a day or two, I KNOW that I will come back to the path... And that is it.
I am in my senior year in college. I get a lot of women. To all the men that have problems out here, JUST TALK to the women. Although I never had an issue with it has become extremely easy to talk with and get women. I have not had sex since I was on this chastity grind, so I don't know exactly if my ED is cured. But, if my spontaneous wood is any indication, then I am great. Also, I have felt physically attracted to real women for the first time in a long time. Its strange, but I was basically asexual, when I was on pornography. I went after women because I was supposed to do that.
I went 6 weeks and had slight relapses once every 4 days or so. Viewing, but never hardcore, just softcore. I haven't seen harcore porn for three months or so, but I rationalized softcore porn. My body was so taxed initially that I could not get a erection. Now, I get too many at the worst times. When I finally went back to no PMO, I didnt start from zero, I started from like week three. I know this because when I first started I could not get hard from just mastubation. But after a relapse I did not go back to that beginning state.
I started my journey because I knew there was more to life than this addiction and the temporary high it gave me. After being PMO free give or take the past 2 months. I have realized that the little things in life are great and the most important part, like conversations, like finally being able to get my life in order, like interacting with women whether or not it leads to sex or a relationship. I am in college and for the first time I enjoy doing work.
I have started to tell people when we get on conversations about porn. I tell them that they have overtaxed their brain, and they would get back into equilibrium if they stopped pmo until they get back into sync. Some people have actually taken to it.
With girls, say whatever comes to your head. That is what I have become accustomed to doing. The first thing is usually good. I am in the library typing this, and I told this random girl that I could not believe she was wearing dress pants with a white tee shirt. Then we had a forty-minute conversation and FBexchange. Smile and laugh a lot. I am not an expert or anything, but girls just want to have fun.
First I want to state that I am not a womanizer; I have just gotten over a PMO addiction and ED. So, of course, I was not sleeping with a lot of women. Yet, I have always enjoyed a lot of attention from the opposite gender. With that being said, over the past couple 3 or 4 weeks, I know I could have been with maybe six or seven women. Some of them text/call me almost everyday or the signals are super obvious. Although I did not go all the way with any of them, only light kissing, touching... I feel like I am being dishonest with each of them individually if I sleep with them in addition with other ones.
I would not call myself a ladies man, but I am very friendly. Especially after getting over this PMO addiction, it seems like I always have the right thing to say. I am in college: teachers love me, classmate love me, administrators love me. I am also pretty attractive; girls tell me this a lot, sometime out of the blue. So I have a group of six or seven very attractive woman that I could be with. I don't know what to do really. I don't know whether I should have sex with each and see who I have the best connection with. I really feel like a virgin because of PMO. Karezza? only 1 of them? What if I choose the wrong 1?
About relapsing: I found that never being dissapointed, and always thinking about the strategies I had to beat the addiction was the best way. Anytime you relaspe, just think about your strategies: meditation, reading your goals, a journal. W.E. This addiction sucks because you never feel like you deserve credit. Thoughts matter. The PMO part of your brain is cunning really. I remember that, at first, if I even thought about PMO, I would rationalize it as eminent failure and go for it. That's BS.
Every day, every hour, every minute is a victory. In the long run. I think that staying away from this addiction will make you confront your feelings:"He's sexy and manly...of course she's all over him. I'm not like him at all."
At one point or another you are probably going to have to confront your insecurities. If you want to be more sexy and manly. Do what is in your power. Hit the gym, clean yourself up, work on your wardrobe. I do not have all the answers. But I have always want to be more muscular. While I was PMOing, I would always make up excuses, and be self conscious about it. Not extremely, but enough for me to notice it, and when I stopped PMOing confront it. Now, I have no qualms. I hit the gym because I want to love my body totally.
Rebooting is probably one of the most important thing you can do. PMO was hurting my school work as well. Its problem is that it forces you to PMO or MO in order for you to do work. You are just going to MO of PMO more frequently, and its a huge distraction. Seriously, I think it waste brain capacity because we are constantly getting our fix.
My two cents: I do not think girls fall for prince charming. But are just looking for charming. I have a lot of sisters. When I talk to women, I talk to them like my sisters. I am always joking, and genuine. Everything else falls into place.
Your comments: "but I see lesser men get women all the time. I have learned things most men don't ever even know about how to please a woman, and even know how to have non-ejaculatory, multiple O's for me, which should definitely help her in the yin-yang equation" remind me of my friend. He is 6 ft 4, and 250 pounds of all muscle. He looks at other men in a similar way as you do. I am not going to assume you're egotiscal, but that statement sounded like it. It's not about should or should nots. It's all about the connection.
My cousin, who is one of the most successful ladies men I ever saw, told me two things: Make a girl feel comfortable and make a girl feel special. Comfort comes from conversation, being interesting, and being genuine. Special is after you have reached a certain comfort level, doing little things to show you care.
I really never had any withdrawal symptoms. I may have had blue balls for 10 minutes once. Other than those ten minutes, nothing. But ED is as emasculating as it gets. Man, I am glad to be over it. You are in the right place. Sex is terrible with ED. It's a constant battle, working to stay hard the whole time. Thinking hard, without enjoying it. AND you have to worry about girls telling their friends.
[Supporting others] If this was a smooth process, then everyone would be done as soon as we decided to give up PMO. The downs are just the setbacks on your way to the ups. Life is about improvement, not winning or losing. Its about self-actualization, and you are well on your way to that. Your ceiling is much larger than you are making it now. Reach your potential, which is Victory. Reading about this setback will only make it sweeter.
I know that I could not make it without masturbating for more than three days at a time when I initially started. Then, I stopped saying to myself, "I am destined to PMO forever", and I started saying to myself, "I am destined to defeat this addiction." Never have a negative attitude, and you will go much farther than before. If you quit, it will only make you feel more depressed about your situation. Let the relapse go.
It gets so much easier, and is subtly rewarding. Glad you are positive. Stay positive even when you mess up.
[Another thread] Your story reminds me of when I was walking with a girl, and I got a full blown erection out of the blue. I did not know what to do. I literally had to turn around, and flip into my waistband.
[Picking up girls] When you think of a person, you think about how they made you feel positively or negatively. That why I always am joking around. I think its the best medium to interact with people, Girls especially. I am talking to a extremely attractive girl, fit; she plays ball. Just a gem, a lot of men wanted her and she harponed them. I asked her what she thought of me; she told me I made her laugh.
Porn has kept us from the beauty of the real world, and the ease of interaction. Its a work in progress though. I am know figuring out how to keep good lasting friendships, and keep up with people. It as simple as checking up on them from time to time. But before I would not think of them
I discovered yourbrainonporn in mid-July. It has not been the easiest road in the world, but probably one of the most fulfilling. Sometimes I reflect on how far I have come, and am astonished really. I laugh at memories of my addicted self. I really needed porn everyday, and looked at porn in some compromising places. Turned down multiple gorgeous women. It makes you into a loser really: always trying to be alone, and not caring about interaction. Probably the worst thing in my mind is that I was not compassionate. I was too busy PMOing to help other people even family members.
Anyway the real update in this post is that I did have sex around a week ago. I used to have ED, but I can genuinely say that I am cured. I was kissing a girl who I have had in my room on multiple occasions, but I had not made a real move on yet. I did not in the past because I did not think we have long term potential. But, if you have a girl in your bed on multiple occasions with the lights off, something is bound to happen. So, we were kissing, and clothes start coming off. My erection was hard the entire time without issue. Its funny because I remember thinking during the moment, Its going to go soft as some point. However, my erection was there every time I looked down; I was checking every so often lls. Sex is good, and not stressful when your erection is good. My ejaculation was crazy too; she said it was the most she had ever seen lls.
All in all, the process works. It's worth it. Its worth the wait. PMOing is a waste of life. Hopefully everyone else gets to my point and beyond.
Short recap, Dec. 5
I started in mid-July and went 6 weeks until late August. I did not do anything; never touched myself. Just keep it moving everyday. I never felt any withdrawal symptoms, but I also have a ton of social interaction. During the summer, I was a lifeguard. All we do is talk to people all day, everyday. Got very use to real women. I did not have a computer or access to the internet on my phone. I still do not.
I relapsed a couple days in late August. I had no real PMO cravings, and got right back on the horse. I went another month which took me to the first Friday in October. Relapsed one day again. I have been clean ever since, which puts me around 2 months no PMO, but I do not count days anymore.
I do not have a masturbation schedule. I am going to be with a woman or keep it moving with my life.
LINK - Excerpts from Grover's blog