Age 21 - Some relapses, more confidence
History - I recently I came to the conclusion that porn was not for me, and that I'm better off living my life without it. I also decided to rarely masturbate, for safe reasons (chronic masturbation has also affected me). I'm a 20 year old virgin, I had discovered porn at age 10, and seriously got addicted to softcore porn at 12, hardcore porn at 14.
Had been caught on the computer plenty of times by my parents at home. My addiction got even worse when my dad first got me my iPod 2 years ago, due to the fact I could be in my bedroom, watching porn on my device, with my door locked.
Anyway, about 6 months ago, I first realized I had porn induced ED, when I was watching a sex video, and I couldn't get hard even manually simulating myself. It was very bad, I even cried myself to sleep, took some days to get over that depression. At that time, I took 10 days off porn, and that's the record I just tied. Only difference is, I know PMO caused me those issues. I didn't before. Since that time, I've been taking L-Arginine capsules, they helped some, more recently when I was PMOing I could get hard, but only by manually stimulating myself again, but little did I know PMO was exactly the reason I suffered so severely. So I have been struggling to quit until over a week ago, during the 7-week struggle at the time, managing to last 9 days twice.
It's been almost 8 weeks now. My last relapse happened on May 23, 2012. And I hadn't looked back since. Especially after I decided to get rid of every nude picture, every bookmark, even the history, that had porn or anything that triggers it. In fact, the reason I quit PMO forever, is because I was concerned that if I was having my first sex while I was still addicted to porn, I guarantee you I wouldn't even be able to get a semi-erection. Also, I had a feeling I was objectifying women, I was obsessed with sex, I even thought about screwing hookers.
I was a pretty depressed guy, always wondering why I can't even get a girl interested in me, much less hold on to a relationship (and I've had a few relationships in the past), I was constantly berating myself and even others for "inept" performance in life...
Since I've been away from porn, my old attitude has changed for the better, and I would like to keep it this way, for life. I am even more well liked by girls and people in general, due to my newfound increase in confidence and self-esteem, and my new ability to appreciate them and life itself. I am definitely looking forward to my brighter future in this long rebooting journey, it could take 2-6 months for me to be back to normal, but at least I'm happy about it. I decided to also rarely masturbate, should I masturbate, and definitely wait until I get laid for the orgasm part.
I made a two-day and a four-day (which ended today) Streak since I last posted here. But I now realize that I got addicted to the Internet first, which eventually lead to my PMO addiction, so far I've only not used the Internet for 6 days now (except for when I was checking in on Facebook and using it for self help, especially for improving my confidence, and even deepening my voice, both which improved already). So, I decided only to use the Internet for a total of 3 hours a day, after I either lasted the whole 10 day challenge, or relapsed.. Because I've come to the conclusion, that not only PMO addiction, but also the Internet, music and caffeine addictions caused low dopamine levels for me, so since I didn't relapse to almost every addiction in the last 6 days, my dopamine levels improved.
All which comes down to yesterday, where I somehow managed to get a slight erection, then two more semis, all using only my imagination. I can't tell you all how happy I was to get an erection, other than morning wood, after all this time! It's official now: PMOing may feel good in the short term, but to get even the slightest erection without touching myself, is much, much better. I also find just looking at hot pictures doesn't turn me on, unless I jerk off. But that's okay, because I'd rather use my imagination. It definitely takes more than just a visual sense to get turned on, it takes all senses. While I'm still a virgin, still haven't dated anyone yet, still working on improving myself, my confidence, my voice, my social skills, etc, my goal is to not PMO, day by day, beat my 15-day record, and make it to two months. Then eventually, no PMO for life.
Now to me, PMO is like a vampire living inside you, attacking you and sucking the very life energy out of you whenever you relapse. That's how bad PMO addiction is, to those reading this who don't know.
Day 69 reboot/Day 4 Porn-Free
As you can tell, I MO'd just this once when I felt pretty horny, and only that. And I didn't even need to fantasize, the sensation was just a good feel! And I've come to decide that I will rarely masturbate, just to make sure I keep the frequency under my control. I don't feel anywhere close to this bad feeling I always get when I relapse, which is really a good thing, since it probably means I don't really have a masturbation addiction, unless it came along with porn. This indicates that the reboot has allowed me to bounce back quicker and quicker, no matter how many times I relapsed, or MO'd.
Nothing much to report, except I saw some sexy photos, and a bit of nudity, and I came really close to relapsing. Thankfully I stopped myself, for I didn't even edge. But the chaser effect is really strong, I mustn't give in. Today, I didn't feel confident but I didn't feel insecure. However, I bought myself some treats and a caffeine free two liter diet coke. I also beat my old record, so I'm beating both caffeine and PMO addictions. I'm also considering donating some bodybuilding magazines and erotic skimpy magazines (not that I'm mentioning any names of the magazines. Potential trigger) and definitely avoiding looking at sexy pictures on Facebook. I've just made it to 16 days no relapsing, and I didn't come this far to relapse again. I'm way better than that. The mood swings might come but it'll be worth it.
Yesterday, I was on the bus, this young lady comes on, I check her out, scan her whole body and her face, I almost looked down when she noticed, but my eyes bounced back up at the same time, and we smiled, and she looked away before I did. I thought to myself, "wow, that was a big step!" Since that time, I've been getting more serious about giving eye contact to strangers. In fact, since I turned 21, I've been getting more serious about breaking out of my comfort zone, stretching it, making no excuses. And even using my fear to up my drive. Anyway, I started becoming a ladies man by approaching girls I already know, I asked a couple girls if they'd like to hang out with me sometime, I even asked one of the same girls to trade phone numbers with me, before I said anything to her, I hesitated at first, then I thought to myself, "fuck it. I'm doing it." and I reached for the opportunity and grabbed it. Where I am now: it's very easy for me to ask girls I know and get their phone numbers now. Now I'm quickly learning to comfortably look strangers in the eyes, and not take their last of interest personally.
I've gone through a week of depression and lack of confidence since my last MO relapse, then from there, everything fell into place. I even ascended into almost an Alpha Male, where checking out, giving eye contact and smiling at women, approaching them, even touching them is becoming no problem for me. In fact, if I even touch their shoulder or arms, I get turned on lol
In fact, yesterday I was with a group, and at one area where a lot of people were waiting to get on a ship, I had a couple moments where these same few girls turned their heads and smiled at me as I was walking by them. I didn't break eye contact at all and I smiled back. It's like women are picking up on my increasing confidence before they even look at me! Information even sinks in much quicker, I'm wittier and more clever, I'm happier, I am better at having conversations, and I'm in control of my emotions. I'm still getting used to this better life, and I'm still a virgin, but that no longer bothers me. I have a feeling I'll soon have no problem initiating sex, because I'm really getting comfortable with my higher libido.
Day 165/93. Officially a Born-again Porn Virgin
I'm no longer just a former porn addict. I am now a born-again porn virgin. This definitely feels great. Becaue I feel like I have never been on a porn site in my life. I feel peaceful. Now, here's one thing I have to get serious and start working on:
"I've come to realize that although I thought I no longer needed approval of others, eventually that got me nowhere but down.. All because I thought I was "above" others and other stupid shit. In fact, I still kept seeking validation. I seek validation from people who have opinions at least similar to mine. And if one has a different opinion than mine, I get pissed.
And I can't be that guy, anymore.. No more. I'm tired of being a loser, making a mess of everything. I'm sick of caring what people think of my decisions and my opinions. So as of today, if anyone, including my friends and family, want to judge my opinions and decisions, so be it. My validation will now only be based on myself.
Not to say I'll never compliment people or appreciate people complimenting me, those are important. Just relying on other people for your self-esteem is really bogus. Life is too short, and talk is cheap."
202 Days Overall, 130 Days PMO free, and 43 Days MO free!
I've come back after a month offline, although I only spent 18 days offline altogether, and the last 12 for self-help. I've had a few weeks of depression, then the last week turned out to be the best out of the whole break. From then, I began learning to embrace insecurity, to let my sexuality out of the closet (because until recently I had been ashamed of my sexuality; afraid to check out girls or be sexual with them due to the fear of disapproval. Shame turned out to be the root of my problems), to embrace all my negative emotions as well as positive emotions, and to learn patience (I still lack a bit of patience). Anyone who suggests meditation, I'm way ahead of you. I'm getting started on it on a consistent basis, because I hear that can help you on all these areas.
I didn't want to be a woman/people repellent any longer. We humans are like radars; we can sense others' emotions, sometimes even before we turn around!
Okay, I haven't even approached a single woman since I started the reboot... 227 days and I haven't approach one woman yet! I have just stopped to consider that because I hadn't gotten laid before, I'm constantly thinking about it, and when I think about it, it stops me from approaching girls, let alone getting laid. Ironic how guys that have sex think little about it, or not at all...
I'm just not sure how I can show sexual interest while I take sex out of my mind as I talk to a chick. I'm really confused. Plus I hear that you don't focus on the goal itself, but the process of it. Because I focus too much on the outcome rather than the habits that can help me grow and acheive any goal I desire.
Day 282 of no porn
30 weeks, people! And one thing I'd like to mention is that I've not only realized my inner caveman, but felt it as well, very recently. Even talking to a girl, touching her and shit, is much easier once I dropped the over-analyzing that, unfortunately, society taught us. I feel that trusting your instincts, living in the present, is the only way to get whatever you desire in life. Yeah, I discarded "yesterday", "tomorrow", and everything that leads to expectations and judgment. And I feel great! In fact, day by day, I leave less room for expectations and thinking, and more room for improvement and instinct. The transformation in the last couple of months is a lot bigger than the transformation in several years. I've improved that much.
Had I not given up PMO, I never would've gone this far, at all.
After 83 days, I MO'd a total of four times, and had two wet dreams in a row to top them all. The first time I MO'd today, I just touched my dick, and it started getting bigger the more I touched it, then I took my hand off, crossed my legs, and came. Yeah, sensitivity has gotten a lot better... Anyway. I just wanted to let y'all know that I went through depression since the last week, due to the fact I was really dwelling on getting laid. After a year, it started to bring me down hard, so I decided to stop that since it was making me unhappy, and started focusing on anything to get my mind off the girls and sex for a while. At least it's almost over now... I hear that good things happen to you when you least expect them. And I am confident that I will reach my goal of 100 days of no masturbation, next time!
More good news: my internet and caffeine addictions are well under my control.
LINL - Read entire blog