Age 21 - Started with porn, trouble with sex

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Oct 13 (day 22)

I'm 21 years old and have been looking at porn in escalating degrees of potency since I was about 12 years old. I can’t say that I have ever considered myself to be addicted to porn, which I know is probably a bit of a claim, but I’m not sure if I have ever had the excessive compulsion to watch it maybe as much as others. Though I did require more and more novelty and variety to get excited and maintain the ‘rush’.

Well I guess it all really started when I was about 8 or 9. I wasn't looking up porn and masturbating to it that young, but I remember finding a book at home about love and sex. It wasn't so much pornographic as informative, I guess. But there were some pictures of naked women and although I probably wasn't ‘horny’ I was surely fascinated by these pictures. It was the same when I went and stayed at my dad’s house (my parents divorced whilst I was quite young). He used to have one of those soft-core porn calendars at about the same time (You know, the type that tradesmen like to circulate) and I would stare at it, totally fascinated. At that age I also got a good helping of Baywatch and late night sex lifestyle type shows. Come to think of it I had quite a few things influencing my little brain at that age...

When I was about 11 or so I discovered masturbation. Finding out that instant gratification was in the palm of my own hand was admittedly pretty awesome. I used to masturbate until I reached some sort of orgasm. Well, if you can call it that. I mean, nothing came out at that stage and it actually frustrated me a bit. Little did i know how messy it could get when it finally did.. At the time, I mainly just needed the physical stimulation and the odd sexy fantasy. But I started to look at underwear models in catalogues and if I came across a Cosmopolitan magazine at home, I tended to make a sneaky trip to toilet with it (I had to share a bedroom).

From then till I was about 13 that’s all I had. By this stage I was kissing girls at school dances and this got me pretty excited. The ‘up tuck’ method of concealment was learned and mastered with ninja speed. It was at this age though that I found porn sites on the Internet. We only had dial up so I was still limited to pictures and maybe the odd 20 second sample clip. On school holidays I would sometimes stay up really late and spend hours downloading these and making up a 2 minute compilation. But this was pretty rare.

And that’s just how it stayed until i was 16. In this time my social life took a nose dive. I’m not going to blame this on the porn, but more the ‘friends’ I had at the time and the fact that I was probably a bit weird. I always found it hard to get along with people and be friends with them. I was very introverted, quiet and probably had a stack to the roof of social anxieties. Although I had acquaintances, I was definitely a loner. I also have to mention that I went to an all boy’s school in high school (this is something I’ll never agree with). The best social interaction I got was with my brothers’ friends when they came around. And I even started to hang around with them at school. It was pretty bad and it was like this until I was about 17. But ever since this time, I have found it difficult to get out and really make friends of my own.

During the above mentioned time (when i was about 16 sometime) I was ‘blessed’ with broadband Internet. I think it was only 256k but it was something that was definitely going to change me. Since I was such a loner, I had a lot of time to myself on weekends and school holidays and I entrusted in both my PlayStation and my computer to keep my alive. I played video games a lot and since my life in the real world had fallen apart, I found solace in making a new one in World of Warcraft. It seems so tragic and sad to me now, but that’s what happened. And with this new online life, my sex life was Internet porn. If i wasn't chasing dragons, I was chasing my fix. It kept me going, it made me happy. It probably kept me alive...

I started to get pretty well versed in downloading lots of little clips and making play lists with them and quickly and cleanly covering my tracks. The family needn't know. I managed to get my hands on a small stack of full length movies. I played lots of computer games with one of my brothers’ friends. He would bring his computer around and they would have LAN games and when they were out once I found his stash. He had cable Internet and was obviously getting his (parents) monies worth. So naturally I copied a bunch over and was pretty well set for a little while.

During my last year of high school, Internet porn was my staple means of relieving stress, loneliness, sadness and most of all boredom. But I started making some positive gains in my social life, I met new people at school and hung out with them on the occasional weekend (we weren't too close, I was still a bit distant) and I started to hang out with my brother and his friends more, I got drunk with them every now and then. So I looked at porn a little bit less during this time and I even got some attention from some girls, but never had sex.

For the most part of when I was 18 my porn intake was pretty steady, I masturbated most nights in bed to fantasies or to porn on the computer. But for me, the main thing to happen to me sexually when I was 18 is that I lost my ‘V Plates’. It wasn't the best of experiences, I was very drunk and I only ever achieved a semi (about 75%) and never came. This was pretty disappointing since I caught a lot of flak for having sex with this girl (she didn't have the best of reputations... bit of a slut) and losing my virginity to her probably made it worse for me. I think this actually affected me quite a bit, but not until later in life. I’ve never had a truly care free outlook towards sex. From here on, I think I felt that I shouldn't be so casual about it. Since in my first experience of it, I was and I got burned. Lol after this, I don’t think I could ever be any Casanova.

Anyway, at the time this didn't put me off sex at all; I had a taste and wanted more. The problem was I wanted it too much. Look, there is nothing sexy about an overly horny, drunk 18 year old guy who has the wrong idea about girls’ willingness to have sex (thanks to porn) or how to get it, without it being handed to him on a silver platter, who is trying his awkward best to get it. It was a slaughter. I got shot down so often and hard, it caused many embarrassing Sunday mornings and a shitty reputation.

So, naturally, I just used porn to make it all better. This was made easier. My whole porn viewing experience was pretty much streamlined when I moved out of home. I moved into a flat with high speed wireless Internet and I had a shiny new laptop. At no other time in my life was I masturbating up to 3 times a day. I was horny as hell and got the porn holy grail. I had free reign over my own empty happiness. It almost felt good.

This all changed for about 6 months when I started going out with my first girlfriend. She was a friend of a friend and I somehow managed to not fuck up all interaction with her (Go me! Lol). I asked her out after a few weeks of knowing her and kissing a few times. It was really quite cute come to think about it. Anyway the first time we had sex was pretty crazy. This may be due to me being a little drunk, smoking half a joint and experimenting with LSD at the time. I swear I was so excited that my heart was going to explode out of my chest. It’s because of this that I thought it best that we stopped and just cuddled. So, I still hadn't come but under the circumstances I wasn't too worried at the time.

Throughout the time I was going out with this girl we had pretty good regular sex. We did it maybe twice a week or so. There was a month at the start where I did have some erectile problems, I think this was mainly just because I was nervous. I was probably a bit desensitised at that time but with a bit of foreplay I was good to go. I became pretty comfortable with her and I think this is the only period where everything just worked how it should. But as I said it lasted 6 months. I got over it and the itch for novelty needed to be scratched.

I had sex with another girl not long after. I was off my face on tequila and everything operated smoothly. I had sort of discovered I had an alcohol limit of about 8 beers before whiskey dick settled in during my first relationship, it didn't happen all of the time I went over that limit but I noticed a pattern. So I find it interesting that I was smashed and managed after a night on tequila. Just the novelty maybe?

Anyway, there was a definite dry spot after that. This went on for a solid year. And to fill the vacuum which this created, there was old faithful. Porn then became a regular part of my day. I’d rub one off before going to sleep pretty much every night. It was routine. It would fill an empty time slot; if I had a rough day at work it made me feel better. It was my feel good drug of choice. Another thing to mention, when I was 17 I started smoking. I got addicted to cigarettes and became a ‘recreational’ pot smoker. Any time I got into bed high, was a good night for porn.

At the end of this dry spot... Well its maybe best to call it a drought.. I spent most of this time chasing a ghost, in a manner of speaking. I was totally hung up on a girl I just could not have. This stopped me perusing anyone else for quite some time. I didn’t get what I wanted so I avoided her and tried to move on. A couple months after this, I started seeing a girl who I had known and liked for a while. So I was pretty into the idea of being with her. But it was a little different on her side. She had broken up with her boyfriend and I was going to make her feel better again.

Except, I didn’t. It was with her that I first noticed my ED problem. Whether I was drunk, high or as sober as a judge my stallion wouldn’t even make it to the starting gate. We ended up having sex (kind of) twice over a period of a month or two. I only managed a semi and got it in as quick as I could and humped like mad to keep it up. I was never able to come. It would just go down after about 5 minutes and hang lifeless. Useless.

Needless to say, since I couldn’t please her, she found a real man who could. I wanted to break his nose just out of jealousy. Then again out of principal. I have to say that the only thing that kept me with this girl (apart from whenever she was out, I was usually with her) was that I had become pretty good with my hands. Lol turns out these dandies are good for more than just me!

I was in a bit of an emotional rut for a little while. I felt like it was my fault it failed. I felt I had failed as a man. I felt useless, embarrassed, and ashamed. And to have her go and have sex with some other guy because I couldn’t perform, was salt in the wound. It stung for quite a while, it still hurts. But lucky for me I had friends, family, alcohol; pot and porn to fill the void. I tried to keep myself occupied and not think about it, I started working night shift, drank heavily on weekends, smoked pot on occasion and masturbated routinely to porn. I watched porn once a day, usually to go to sleep after work.

By this time I was a sucker for variety. My regular site was loaded with anything I wanted. And then some. I would have 5-7 different videos open and watch them for over an hour. I sampled different genres of porn, teens to milfs, white, black, lesbian, whatever I wanted at the time. I never got too wild though. If there was more than one guy I just found it weird and anal and fetishes just weren’t my thing. I just needed the novelty of someone new each time. And it’s safe to say I was gripping my poor dick with way more force than was necessary and was so rough that its probably best I was only doing it once a day.

It wasn’t for about 5 or 6 months that I got the opportunity to try again. I was quietly confident that all would go well. I convinced myself that I subconsciously didn’t want to have sex with the last girl for some reason or I was too wasted or I had performance anxiety and that if I was cool calm and collected, all would be well.

I was pretty tipsy and flirty but had grown up a bit since the embarrassment of my late teen years and wasn’t really under pressure because I really wasn’t expecting to get with this girl. I had met her once briefly a few weeks before this night in a room full of hot blondes (no lie), but her dark hair and blue eyes stood out better than anything else. She was beautiful. So, after that, talking to her for some time and finding out she was actually a really nice, cool chick I didn’t see it coming. I found myself in bed with her, making out and feeling like a champ. Everything was going so well we were feeling each other up and down, kissing all over but the most I got was barely a semi. I broke. I stopped what I was doing, whispered in her ear that I couldn’t do it and that I was sorry. Put some clothes on and walked out the door. I got my friend away from her friend and dragged him outside with me. I told him what happened. I was chain smoking and felt like collapsing on the ground and crying. He said it was ok and that It happens to everyone now and then and that we would both go see the doctor about it.

Well, even after our rocky start this girl and I started seeing each other. We would see each other almost every day and try to have sex quite often. I managed some semi sex a couple times, but was fanaticising as much as I could. This was crazy since who I was with was everything I wanted. For a long time I never came. Either I’d go flaccid after a little while or just never get it up.

After 3 months of going out she had to move town about 300km away, but would be back in a few months so we could be together again. We try to see each other as much as we can, which is usually for a few days every 3-4 weeks. This separation is hard on our relationship and we try to make the most of our time together, when we get it. I’ve had ED problems with normal sex this whole time and only managed to come when she’s giving me hand jobs and I don’t tell her to be gentle about it. After a while of this I got frustrated and went to my 60 something year old family doctor and told him I had ED at the age of 21. He asked me about how much I had been drinking when I couldn’t get erect and all of that. Then he just handed me 2 sample pills of Viagra and a prescription for a box of 4 more.

I was so excited when my girlfriend came down to see me next. I told her what the doctor ordered and after a couple wines we retired to the bedroom. Its safe to say I didn’t go flaccid easily. It did when I had to stop for breath for about 5 minutes but was right back up again when we got back into it. It was amazing! I had a problem though. Once again, I couldn’t come. Even with a long vigorous hand job, nothing happened. Except, my penis was pretty sore in the morning. I used up the rest of the pills over the next couple of times seeing her and I did manage to orgasm using them a couple times. God, it was amazing. I felt exactly what I was missing out on all that time. For the first time in over 2 years I came during sex. I felt like the happiest man alive. She cuddled up to me afterwards and fell asleep with her head on my chest and I just gazed up at the ceiling with the biggest smile of absolute satisfaction. I was happy.

But inevitably, the pills ran out. I was at her place visiting and I had taken my last half pill the evening before and we started to get intimate. I wasn’t even thinking about the pills, wasn’t worried about my performance, I was just doing what I had done before with the pills. It got to the point of penetration and it wouldn’t go in. I gave it some manual stimulation and did what I could, but it would just bend as soon as I pushed. She asked what was wrong and I said I had no more pills. Everything that had built up for me plummeted to earth and burst into flames in that instant. It was too much to handle. Like giving a child candy then taking it away from him after he has taken just one bite. I broke down, asking why the hell I have to pay for the ability to have sex with my own girlfriend. “I’m 21 for fuck sakes!” None of it seemed fair. After I came back home I slumped into a rut of depression, like I had many times before and wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Was I gay? Was I torn apart by anxiety? Was too fucked up from my past sexual experiences?? The list when on and I agonised over it to no end. I was like this for a while and just I felt shit, then sad, then bitter, then numb.

I made my mind up that I would just go back to the doctor and get more pills. It seemed logical; since I wasn’t having sex every day (I was masturbating instead) so why not just pay the bill and be happy? It took me to pick up my telephone and look up my doctor’s phone number before I could answer my own question. “Because I just want to be normal” “Because I don’t want something so natural to be such a problem.” I would lie in bed at night with my toilet paper beside me, a screen in front and my hand on my fully hard penis and look at it and think “Now, why the hell cant you do that for me when I actually with a real girl?”

A couple of weeks ago I Googled “desensitised erectile dysfunction” and went to the first site on the list and read about porn-induced ED. It turned on a little light in the back of my head. I searched around Google a bit more and read about yourbrainonporn.com. I didn’t go to it at first. I don’t know why, I guess I was just timid (and maybe in a bit of denial). But I went there, and then started reading. I got pretty well over reading, and decided to watch all of the ED slide shows. It all made sense to me. Then I read all of the Tales there and the Recovery Stories and was convinced. So I’ve been lurking around here, reading all of your stories wondering if I should put mine up. Well here it is. Sorry it’s so long, I didn’t know where to start, and then I didn’t know where to finish.

I’ve been up and down and all over since I started my reboot, but nothing it can do, will equate to how PMO-ED has made me feel over the last 3 years.

I’m 22 days no PMO. I felt good today.

Oct 25

5 weeks tomorrow. I’ll be honest; I’m pretty surprised about that. But I have had a goal, kept to it and intend to keep doing so!

I feel like I have had a pretty much text book recovery thus far. I haven’t had massive urges to look at porn, but I have definitely felt the need to get off. This is mainly when I wake up with a wood, get a random erection but the feeling has been most intense when I’m with my girlfriend.

I don’t wake up every morning with morning wood but I would say it’s about a 50/50 chance that i will. Sometimes I wake up randomly throughout the night with one, but this is not common. I want to rub one out before I get out of bed but that’s probably also due to my stronger urge to stay in bed rather than get up. My morning erections vary in strength, sometimes it’s a semi, sometimes I wake up with a camp site on my duvet. I don’t think they’re much more or less common than they were before PMO, but it feels better having them.

I get random wood most days, but its usually when I'm sitting doing nothing and my mind just slips into a day dream. Not necessarily about anything erotic.. But ill snap to with a semi and rising and depending on where I am at the time, i may have to get rid of it, thinking about something totally not erotic or trying to occupy myself with something. I am getting more than I used to, which I think is promising. But it can be pretty awkward when one catches you off guard.

As you may have read in my previous blog, my girlfriend and I are somewhat separated and don’t get to be with each other as much as we’d like. We commonly video chat on Skype, which is really good but can be so tempting. The look but cant touch problem has been pretty frustrating the last couple of weeks. We keep the calls pretty PC but I cant help but to feel the way I do with her. Anyway, after not seeing each other since just before I started my reboot I got to go and stay with her for 3 days over the weekend. It was awesome! The moment we first hugged when I arrived felt so good. The physical touch I had been craving almost made me melt, and if it didn’t, kissing her did.

We were in bed on the first night and its safe to say any resistance to getting naughty was futile. Especially when to my joy (or well, amazement...) I was rock hard and ready to go! I was pretty happy and all too keen to have some fun with it. So, we had sex. But I didn’t want to orgasm and after remembering some of the karezza stuff and a bit of self control I just took it slow and just enjoyed the moment we had together. I decided to play it safe and pull out after about 5 minutes or so. I was feeling pretty sensitive. Although I wanted to keep going until I orgasmed, it seemed wise to play it safe.

The second night I was with her, we tried again. But for some reason I couldn’t get it up. We had had a bit to drink, but I wasn’t drunk. I was mentally into it and could feel something down there, but It just never happened. I did wake up with wood the next morning though. Maybe I was over thinking it after the previous night and maybe my brain hasn’t been fully rewired and is still quite set on the novelty. But at least it recognises what it needs to and my libido was in high gear all weekend (after a couple weeks of it being dead, this was very welcome) so I am definitely seeing improvement.

I haven’t recovered fully but i am seeing progress and this makes me pretty happy. I went into the weekend not expecting any response from my penis, but was surprised on the first night. I have some questions though:

Is it possible that my brain was just acting on the novelty of the situation on the first night?

Could what i had done on the first night desensitised me on the second even though I didn’t cum?

Ive started to notice erotic pictures more recently. Not in porn, but just on ads and even Facebook. Could this affect my recovery? (I try to avoid them, but i still notice them)

Could the alcohol have played a large part in my ED even though I had a couple wines on the Friday and wasn’t drunk on the Saturday?

Is there anything more I can do to help my recovery? (like pelvic floor exercises or just some cardio, etc)

11-03

Its been 44 days since I initially started my reboot and 5 since my relapse. So, that's 39 days no PMO, then I looked at porn and MO'd separately to memory.

My mood, mental and even physical state have been pretty crazy this week in comparison to the way i felt last week, before my relapse. Sunday morning (the morning after my relapse) I felt like crap, admittedly I had a bit of a hangover, but aside from that I felt very depressed and disappointed in myself for getting so wasted and allowing myself to submit to the sexual frustration I felt at that time. I felt a sense of loss because it seemed like I had thrown away all the time and effort I had put into my reboot. But the thing is, what worried me most was I was scared as hell that was never going to be able to cure myself of my ED. I also felt a huge chaser effect, especially when I found what I was looking at the night before. The urge to just take a peek at it and the temptation to release the tension that this urge created was just so much!

Delete file, clear history, move on. Its something I've done a thousand times. I'm going to make sure its the last time I have to "cover my tracks".

The rest of the day was totally crap, I had all these feelings and flash scenes of what I had seen were rushing through my head. (On a positive note, what I saw, what had set me off into this relapse was so little. So.. soft core.) I had a lazy Sunday, nothing happened. All I could do was try to take my mind away from it. The hangover didn't help one bit, so I spent the afternoon and evening just playing computer games. The mild satisfaction and anger they brought on sort of helped me out in a way.

Monday wasn't so bad. I was a bit slow and drowsy after the weekend but managed at my course ok and even managed to get some stuff finished. I binged a bit on some take aways and an energy drink, but I think they actually helped me get through. I took it easy that night and avoided any visual stimulation that came my way. A TV programme with topless women came on, one of these ancient Rome sort of ones, at the first sight of breasts I left the room. I listened to the hypnotic suggestion audio recording on YBOP before going to sleep, which helped me relax a lot.

Tuesday was much the same as Monday in terms of drowsiness and I was still getting images of stuff from my relapse flashing by but less often. I kept to and managed to do surprisingly well in an interview in the afternoon (Ive always been terrible in interviews for jobs etc, I think I have like a 90% failure rate, so this was definitely good) I was extroverted, had a good conversation and spoke clearly and with confidence. And got the position I wanted (On site training, not a job, but still good). I came home around 3:15, checked some stuff on the web then fell asleep on my couch. For 3 hours! I guess I was exhausted. I got through some homework and still managed to go to bed at a regular time.

Wednesday and today were pretty much the same. I was more alert and awake and got through the days and evenings without much trouble. Apart from the odd flash of horniness, morning and random erections here and there Ive been on a flat line libido since about Tuesday. This doesn't phase me too much as I've been through it before and beats the "want but cant have" feeling of cravings.

I'm glad I've gotten through those first guilt, craving and depression-filled initial days of post-relapse. Ill use the memory of that and add it to the list of "Why not's" for relapse. One thing I was slow to do but finally did tonight was tell my girlfriend that I relapsed. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, but she wasn't hard on me or anything about it. She knows this thing is hard. She just wanted to know what caused me to do it and what it meant. So I told her what happened and that i was just going to keep on going with the reboot. She laughed at the circumstances, which made me relax and have a giggle about it, too (definitely one of the reasons I love this girl).

So this brings me to now. I've decided to re-evaluate my reboot concerning length of time, exposure to triggers and when to start introducing O's.

Initially I decided on an 8-10 week reboot, just your standard guesstimate time frame for recovery, right? This would "end" the reboot between the 16th and the 30th of November (lol). Since my relapse and some notes of progress and other info gathered, I've decided to extend my reboot till the New Year. This would make the total time of my reboot about 101 days and 63 days of solid PMO free. I may start introducing natural O's with my girlfriend in December some time. This is all relative to progress with ED and how I feel about my recovery at that point in time.

In this time, I am going to put into effect some lessons I've learned so far. This includes:

- Avoid mildly erotic images everywhere, to the best of my ability. Facebook, catalogues, TV, where ever.

- Im going to avoid putting myself into states of mental weakness. No weed, less alcohol (moderation for the holidays) and definitely no combos!

- Avoid any self induced penile stimulation. No fantasizing about porn or otherwise, no playing with morning wood, no over-cleaning, shake TWICE!

- Try not to get too naughty on Skype. Video chatting - Ok. Naked video chatting - Porn.

- Get away from the PC. Even though I've quit PMO and have felt more social and active, I find myself on the web or the PC too much to be healthy.

- Fill in free time with productive activities. This can be anything from homework, exercise (much needed), house work, socialising to just going out.

- Real world female interaction. This is for when I'm with my girlfriend. I think it will be very beneficial to do more bonding behavior (http://yourbrainonporn.com/the-lazy-way-to-stay-in-love) and just re-wire my brain into being more sensitive to what I want it to be. Also, I would like to be around more girls socially. Sort of an experiment to how we interact in comparison to how i was pre-reboot.

- Regular sleeping pattern. Ok, so this might be an all-round unrelated good thing, but I should to some good with the time spent not PMOing before bed and actually sleep.

Just a couple questions:

Is there anything I should add to my list of lessons? Any suggestions?

I'm wondering how much of an effect my relapse may have on my ED. Should I start over and be PMO free till the end of January?

As for the introduction of O's with normal sex, is my idea to begin before the New Year ok?

Should I abstain from all O's until a complete reboot or should I just go with it when everything seems to be in good operation?

11-05

It's been a week since my relapse and I feel that its effects have pretty much subsided and even though I have a mild hangover I feel good. I've been avoiding the sight of nudity and sex and blocking out fantasy. Fantasy is definitely the harder thing to block out as sometimes it just happens but i'm learning to control it.

I can feel a bit of a sensation down there that was there before the relapse, so I hope everything is getting back on track in spite of the slight set back. I'm not feeling much sexual energy at the moment, but its not totally non existent. Call it a 2/10.

I went to a couple parties last night and had 10 beers in total over about 5 hours. I was a little drunk but mainly just had a good buzz all night. I found myself to be more extroverted than I usually would be, even before drinking. I maintained solid conversations with a lot of people. Which I always have found a bit difficult.

In the list I made earlier this week I noted that I wanted to connect more with women socially as a bit of a comparison between now and before my reboot started. Before my reboot I think I subconsciously put myself under pressure to succeed in picking up the girls i spoke to and to create a good interesting conversation, making them want to be with me. It made it difficult because I always felt under pressure which made me nervous and awkward. I could never think of what to say or how to say it and my body language would have shown my anxiety. This would make girls uninterested in me, since i was useless for conversation and ridiculously awkward. I tried to remedy this with alcohol but i ended up just being a sleaze. Also undesirable. This happened whether I was in a relationship or not. Even if I wasn't trying to pick them up, I think I subconsciously was trying to anyway and making myself very unlikable.

Last night was different though. I didn't have any pressure and I just let conversation flow. I felt confident and the way that not only girls but guys spoke with me too was remarkably different to before. I had fun talking with people. I was never the life of the party or anything, but i gelled with people i haven seen In a while and met some new, interesting people. One thing I noticed (though i'm sure my girlfriend wont like it) was that girls were definitely more interested in me than they were before. I had good conversations with them , lots of eye contact, smiles and some mild flirting. I didn't reciprocate the flirting, but i was flattered by it and just enjoyed the conversation.

So, i'm quite happy with how things are going. I still need to get to the point of branching out though. Going out more in my free time to see friends and what not. It's something I look forward to, but know i'm going to consciously make the effort to do it, even though it feels like it has been made easier.

I'm almost half way through my total reboot and am looking forward to seeing what happens in the later half, but trying to to develop expectations.

Dec 03

So as of Wednesday I have been working towards a reboot for 10 weeks. In this time I have had 2 O's, one to P and one to kegels (I still find that one strange..). My original goal for my reboot was 10 weeks and even though I have O'd twice, im still happy to be where I'm at now. Though it would have been good to have a clean run and say "10 weeks no PMO!!" my O's have taught me a lot.

 

It's been a week since my kegelgasm event and its been an interesting week. I've had lots of ups and downs with libido, one half of the day its dead, the other half it's raging. I have had a big want to O, on and off pretty much all week. Chaser effect maybe? I have had some craving to look at P, but not sex. I have no want to watch other people having sex, I appear to just want to see naked chicks. I've been good though and haven't really looked at anything. I have put a web filtered browser on my phone and the only time I've seen anything remotely pornographic was when I was testing its effectiveness. I'm using "Safe Browser" for Android. I just got it from the market place and it works quite well. Though it is not infallible...

 

I went to a friend's father's 50th last night and I had a bit of a refresher as to why I am doing my reboot. I was there with a group of mates (all girls) and one of them, I have had sex with and had ED problems with. This all happened about a year ago and I had pretty much forgotten about he whole thing. Anyway, we were getting on as we always had, and after a couple drinks a night we had together was brought up. Nothing about my ED on this occasion or anything, just a funny story about my efforts at trying to find a toilet. But it got me to remember the problems I had when I was with this girl and how embarrassing it was went I got ED. I think the refresher was just what I needed. With the whole chaser effect this week and cravings to O etc it was a good thing to keep me on track.

 

So all in all, I have:

Cravings to O

Want to see naked girls

Covered a weak spot (my phone internet)

Fantasy well under control :D

libido up and down, but evening out

Morning erections (Either not there or at 100%)

Had my first wet dream (I cant remember a dream but some evidence was there)

It really feels like everything is starting to get to how it should be, but I still have a while to go before everything could be considered "normal". The main thing I need to test is my ED, its the reason for my reboot and the thing I most want fixed.

Dec 23

Ok I'ill just be straight up and honest. I have relapsed a couple times over the last week or two. My goal was to be PMO free until at least the new year but in that i have failed. The cause for my relapse is me but with the assistance of alcohol. I don't really know what to say about it really... I feel so drained and stupid. I have made some positive steps in my life in other respects but I have noticed my personality change over the last week or so. I feel like saying "I'm sorry" but its me I've let down and me only. I feel like have taken a make step back in my recovery and i feel so disappointed in myself.

Day one again I guess.

The worst thing is that I'm going to see my girlfriend on the Christmas break and was really liking forward to having good normal sex.. I hope i haven't destroyed any chance of that..

I have some blocking programs on my phone, 3 actually (Safe Browser, Bloqer and Web Nanny) but nothing on my PC. Its the family computer so i'm apprehensive about putting anything on there. The thing is, before this week I hadn't used a computer for porn in a long time. Maybe 6 months or so. So I wasn't even worried about it. But get me bored, horny, alone and slightly buzzed and well... things happen. 

My relapsing escalated from google search pictures with safe search on, to turning it off, to a video and then to multiple videos.. I have to stop this here and now. I miss having the ability to say I have gone X amount of weeks PMO free, and just that feeling of virility, that self confidence, and hell, even that pressure in my balls! Lol

Jan 7

I have some good news! I am not long home after visiting my girlfriend over the holidays. I was there form Christmas night until the 6th of January. Over that time I had sex 3 times (it would have been more but she got her 'Lady Days') and I had a mixture of experiences.

Some ED. I have to say I'm not completely cured as there was some ED and some light manual stimulation was used to get from what seemed like a 60% erection to a full one.

Anxiety. I had some on the first couple days I was with her, but this steadily went away as I spent more time with her. I think I needed to just relax and de-stress a little since I had been looking forward to being there for so long and I was worried about ED.

Sensitivity: It was a little... Well, a lot on the high side. I came pretty quick which was disappointing, but still better than ED.

Noticeable constant improvement. By my last night there I didn't need any manual stimulation at all to get hard. It was great and I don't think she expected it. I just did what I wanted to do and didn't hold back or be shy at all and everything worked out fine.

We did have some other slight problems. Alcohol did seem to play a part with the ED but I was only drunk one time we tried but I got ED and got really self conscious about it and was very disappointed. I'm pretty sure it was half booze, half anxiety though as it was the first time we tried it after we could have sex again and I might have psyched my self out of it a bit. Also, I only needed manual stimulation a couple of the times because of going soft trying to get my penis in her. There was no initial problem with an erection (it occurred naturally with just kissing etc) but I think I lost it out of frustration... I'm not sure what happened, but there was a little bit of a lubrication issue and I couldn't get it in. A bit more fore play fixed the issue all but once, but I was disappointed about going flaccid and needing a hand.

All in all though, I'm not too worried about where I am in my recovery. I have been doing my no reboot for about 110 days (I think) but have had relapses here and there. I was actually surprised at how things went as my relapses became more frequent as it came closer to me seeing her. Like, my most recent one was on the 23rd so this may have been the cause of some hardship, but I don't know how much exactly.

I O'd 4 times with her and have MO'd once since coming back (no porn or fantasy). I don't think I'll orgasm again until I'm with her again, but I'm wondering of a regular masturbation schedule would help with the PE issue. Any ideas? Either way, I'm not going to use porn at all.

Just in my own opinion, I think I will be just fine and the best thing for me now is probably just more contact with my girlfriend and more actual sex. From now on I'm not going to have any sexual based goals or expectations of myself, I just want to relax and have fun.

It's so good to have a noticeable improvement. I hope it does evaporate away soon, but I'll give it all the time it needs to do so. Stressing about it will only make it worse.  She's been so lovely and supportive through out the whole process. Even when I was down at my lowest, she's been there to help. Hopefully I'll see her again soon. Actually being with her and having that bonding and contact for a descent amount of time has been so good for my recovery. 

I'm going to keep to not masturbating though, just because I like how I feel day-to-day without it.

 

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by smokey