Age 23 - (ED) A guy and his girlfriend both describe their 130 day reboot
I have read tons and tons of success stories here and I was always bothered (no offense to those) because 90% were about people who had no (real) PIED and 'just' felt like their focus or mood or whatever improved after giving up porn.
For this reason I decided to post here since I think that my process of rebooting will be a great motivation to those who are really struggling with getting it up.
Also I decided to ask my girlfriend (who knows pretty much everything about my problem) to write her view on the whole 130 days in addition to mine. I 'm pretty confident that it will be interesting for many users here and also a big argument for telling your girl.
I'll start tho...
Me & my story before YBR & YBOP
I'm a 23 year old German student. I started masturbating when I was around 12. I was shown by some friends and like everyone I was loving it from the first minute. At the beginning, sensation did the job but after some time I gradually went towards porn. From sensation to thoughts, which led to playboys, which led to softcore porn, which led to hardcore pictures and finally to hardcore porn. If I recall correctly I started watching hardcore porn at~14-15 years.
At the beginning every single video was the sh*t, then I got bored by some stuff and went to more extreme stuff. I never escalated into extreme porn, however I def did see some stuff that I shouldn't have watched. I'll not go too much into details tho. I think most guys know what's up.
At17, I had sex for the first time with my girlfriend and everything worked fine. I came pretty quickly quite often but I guess that's normal when starting such an awesome thing. For the next years I had a few girlfriends and sex always worked fine. At that point I was still very much amazed by being allowed to touch females. More than a few times I wished that I would be able to last longer in bed but that's not really the main topic of this thread. Bottom line is that I was able to get and stay very erect pretty much always when I needed to.
I should add tho that I struggled with nervousness sometimes. A few times I wasn't able to get it up with a girl at the beginning which, however, was definitely because of being too excited and nervous. At least that was the main reason. Sure porn didn't help at that time. Since one acquires PIED not over night, but over years, there definitely had to be some significant f*uck-up in my brain already.
I used porn when I was single AND when I was in relationships. Obviously more often when I was not having real sex. I was never bingeing. Most of the days I would fap once to porn before I went to sleep. Not more than 20 minutes I'd say. It was not that I really desired it, but it was always there. Routine, I guess...
Of course there were days where I didn't do it and there were days where I fapped a few times.
Honestly, I don't think that one's individual porn history matters too much. Once you have PIED, you have it and then it's pretty irrelevant how you achieved it. Just my opinion tho...
The beginning of my PIED
I guess when I was 21-22, which was after fapping for like 9 years and watching porn for ~7 years, I started noticing that I my refractory period got really long. After having an orgasm with my girlfriend I wasn't really interested in another round for hours or even the rest of the day, and when I tried to have sex during that time I would sometimes achieve an erection which oftentimes was weak and faded away after a few minutes of intercourse. Sometimes I just wouldn't get it up at all.
I did recognize the change but for some reason I didn't ask myself why.
After breaking up with my girlfriend I was back to no sex and masturbated with my usual frequency. Prolly like 5 out of 7 days or sth. Sometimes more, some less. Almost always using porn!
In May 2013 I met my new girlfriend. She studies with me and we met in uni. It didn't take long until we spent lots of time together. A few weeks later the first kiss. A few weeks later the first sex. I didn't get it up at the beginning because I was very nervous but she was cool about it and after a few times it worked properly.
At that time I already was unable to have full-functioning sex after having an orgasm in the last few hours. I think we didn't have a single second round which was less than a few hours after me having an orgasm. At the beginning it wasn't a real problem since we rarely tried because we just would do something else after having sex.
The official beginning of my relationship with my current girlfriend is 10th November 2013. Since then we have spent A LOT of time together. Especially sleeping at each other's has become way more frequent. I guess that was part of the reason I realized my problem. Since we had so much time together, we attempted some second rounds which pretty much never really worked. Either I was very uninterested in being part of that second round or I would get it up and lose it quickly. That was when I realized that I definitely should be able to have stronger and more frequent erections at my age.
Being not quite able to get it up sometimes really got into my head and I started to way, way, way over-think the whole sex thing which led to nervousness and PA and finally to me losing my erections during the first round of sex on a regular basis. This was the first time that I got really sad and frustrated. Sometimes I was really horny but while having sex I was so nervous about losing my erection that I really did lose my erection a significant amount of times.
Discovering YBOP & YBR + the first month of no PMO
After the 2nd or 3rd time that my girlfriend cried because she felt like I wasn't attracted to her (since I lost my erection) I decided to find out about my problem. Googling around I found YBOP. I read a bunch of articles and joined the forum on the same day. The next day, was my first day of no-PMO
For the first month I didn't tell my girlfriend. I didn't notice any changes in ED, mood, focus etc for the first 30 days. At that time I got checked by an urologist to see if it's an organic reason, which it wasn't. (I might add that he told me that for young people who were able to have erections and then started having ED, it's very unlikely to be an organic reason...) Anyways, it is definitely a good feeling to know that nothing is broken. Big recommendation!
For the first ~20 days I had sex with my girlfriend which worked as fine (or bad) as before. Some it didn't, sometimes it did. After not seeing her (and not orgasming) for 10 days (day 20-30) we had 2 days of great sex. I was very hard every time we attempted sex and we also had 1-2 second rounds. If I only had known that this was a gift from god before going to hell....
Telling my girlfriend
After 30 days, my girlfriend cried badly after another failed sex attempt. It hurt so bad to see that and I felt so guilty that I decided to tell her. She will write about that later herself so I will keep it short. It was a great decision. She was very understanding, supportive, altruistic from the first day and for that I love her very much!
I would recommend it to everyone. If a girl leaves you for it, is she really worth it? I have told no one except her. It always felt good to not be alone. We talked about it a lot. I kept her updated. She was always willing to help and support me. I can't imagine how things would be today if I would've decided tho keep it a secret.
Honestly, it sucks to have to find excuses why your dick isn't working again and again. Tired, too much on your mind etc, etc. It prolly sounds like an excuse to most girls anyways and it just makes them insecure about everything. It's not nice for yourself and neither for your girl.
If you know you have a nice girlfriend it's worth the risk in my opinion.
Going on this journey with a dear friend on your side vs. facing a huge problem already (PIED) and having to find excuses on the side
-> It's your decision!
Day 30 until now (~130 days)
I will not do this day-by-day since my process was soooo not-linear and I want to stress that as much as possible.
Day 30-50: After telling my girlfriend we decided that abstaining from sex and orgasms would be the best for me and it was. It was a lot of pressure falling off my shoulders. During that time I was very unhappy and sad. Constantly thinking about my dick, hoping for morning wood, wishing to be able to have a normal sex life. I didn't notice many significant changes else than a few erections in the night and in the morning. Some days (most days actually) I had very low libido and sometimes I felt a little something.
Day 50-90: During that time I went in and out of flatline. Me and my girlfriend decided to have sex with orgasm again but only if we (especially I) really felt like it. I usually came very quickly since I wasn't used to the feeling anymore, but it was still a good thing to reintroduce the physical aspect with my girlfriend. Rewiring is key!
If I couldn't get it up we just took it slow or I gave here pleasure without my dick. Don't forget about that! During that time I definitely was far far away from a normal libido and I just felt it.
Also, I masturbated like 2-3 times but not once did I use porn during the whole 130 days!
Day 90-120: I was traveling with a friend at that time and I was on cold-turkey from every sexual stimulation excect O'ing once in the shower. I think it was a great coincidence to have another 30 day no-O streak after rebooting/ rewiring for 3 month already.
When I saw my girlfriend for the first time after almost 40 days (no-PMO for like 125 days) we tried sex again and I was limp for like 2 hours of being naked and making out on and off. Finally I was able to have an erection and came after like 20 seconds of seconds. It worked, but I hoped for way more...
That day is 1 week ago and during this week I've had the best sex experiences that I can remember.
I'll keep it short. For the last 7 days I just have the feeling that I'm normal again. When I kiss my girlfriend. I'm rockhard. When I see her naked. I get rock hard. When I think about sex with her I get rockhard. I thought I was very hard and very horny a few times during reboot/ rewiring but honestly I wasn't. The feeling for the last week is just different:
- didn't lose any erections
- Most times after sex I could get erect again pretty much right away and if we had a second round I kept very hard erections
- I was able last way longer than usual. I felt like I have way way stronger control over when I want to orgasm. And every single one of the was intense. Way, way, way more than what I was used to
- I am sooo attracted to my girlfriend. Yes, I know she will read this, but it's nothing but the truth. I always knew that she is very pretty, attractive and adorable but now I really feel it. When I look at her I just feel it all over my body. It's an incredible feeling!
- I have morning wood, night wood, day wood, whenever-I-want-and-even-when-I-don't-want-right-now wood
- I have the feeling that I am ready for sex pretty much all the time. It's not that I'm craving it, but when a quick kiss turns into a big one -> my little friends wakes up instantly
I can't tell how the next weeks and months will be but my feeling tells me that things will go in the right direction from now on. Maybe there will be another flatline. I wouldn't be happy but now, after tasting heaven for a week, I know it's so worth it.
I just want to say that giving up porn was one of the best decisions of my life. I haven't missed it at all for the last 130 days and the feeling I had for the past weeks was worth all the doubts, tears, depression (yes, one could really call it that) and anxiety I faced during that time.
Once porn is in your brain, you don't realize that by being wired to your PC-screen robs you of one of the greatest feelings ever. Most of you guys are as young as me. Don't waste the best days of your life jerking off to some cheap porn stars. After giving up this sh*t for some time you will realize that being with a real woman is a gazillion times better than watching some people have sex. It's not real, oftentimes disgusting, it messes up your head, and in the end it will make you want porn more than real women which simply isn't natural.
A few words on the psychological asepct
It's tough guys. I don't remember the last time I was so unhappy for so long. Usually I am not that kind of person but all I could think about for weeks was if I would be able to be 'normal' again. It's the worst feeling for a man to not be able to have sex when you want to. It's embarrassing and of course it raises many questions.
Try to not think about it. I know... LOL! How? I stopped browsing the forums regularly after a few weeks of visiting them like 10 times a day. I realized that I knew everything I had to know and that spending hours on this forum didn't help me in any way. Try to spend some time with friends, focus on uni, sports, your girlfriend, work, hobbies etc. After a while it is really possible to think less and less about the forum. I came here once every few days to check for interesting threads but didn't spend many hours on the site. I think that's a healthy rhythm but obviously everyone can try it out for himself.
I am open for any kind of questions and I hope I could give some motivation to some guys. I know it's extremely TL;DR but it felt good going through the whole process in my mind again. Good luck!
Also, big thanks to Gary Wilson for being awesome and for everyone who helped bringing up YBR & YBOP! It's amazing how supportive and friendly people are on this forum. Much love!
--------- my girlfriend's perspective ---------
Hey! I know that my boyfriend already wrote a lot about his experience with PIED, but maybe the story from my point of view could be also helpful, because I believe that the problem doesn't only concern the guys, but also their girls.
When I met my boyfriend, we got along from the first second. We spent a lot of time together, enjoyed each other's company and everything was pretty uncomplicated. That's why it didn't bother me that it didn't work out the way we wanted, when we tried to have sex for the first time. Neither was it a problem that he couldn't get it up every now and then in the following few month, because I really had the feeling that it was out of nervousness or because he was thinking too much.
It started to trouble me when he lost his erections more frequent or couldn't get it up in the first place. The problem wasn't that we couldn't have sex that often. What really hurt me was, that I didn't have the feeling he really wanted me. He always told me how pretty I look and how much he wants to sleep with me, but I could feel that he wasn't passionate about me. I believe that he would have liked to really want me (I mean physically), but he didn't really feel it inside of him.
Also when it worked and we had sex, I often had the feeling, that he wasn't really into it. He was distracted a lot and not enjoying himself the way I did. It was really hard for me to realise that we experienced sex in a totally different way: while I couldn't think about anything else than him while sleeping with him, he was somewhere else with his thoughts. This got me thinking if it could be my fault, I wondered if there's something wrong with me. I just couldn't imagine that nervousness was the only problem, because at this time we knew each other long enough and everything was easy between us. There was never anything like awkwardness or something, so why should he be nervous?
He always told me, that it wasn't because of me and that he loses his erections because he is overthinking everything, and it wasn't that I didn't believe him, but I couldn't forget the question in the back of my head, whether I'm doing something wrong and especially weather he really likes me. So all in all it made me a bit insecure, but most of all sad and hurt. That's why I was so glad when he told me about YBR & YBOP.
I just want to add that I don't want to say that he lied to me - when telling me it doesn't work because he is overthinking -, I believe that until he found these websites, he believed it himself and didn't know the real reason either. In retrospect I feel a little bit sorry that I cried sometimes when it didn't work in bed properly, because for him it must have been even worse. While for me it was one of the greatest things to feel him inside of me, he had to wonder the whole time what's going on, because he must have felt that there was something wrong, but didn't know what it was. Especially because it was never his fault that it didn't work. Anyway, I was really happy that he found a reason which could explain what was going on and most of all that he shared those ideas with me.
He told me everything about what he read in those articles and his whole history of porn and masturbation. He really tried to explain everything and helped me understand the whole situation. I'm still so thankful for that! It feels so much better to know what's going on and it also brings you closer together when your partner includes you in something like that, because then it becomes a thing you need to get through together. And if he really tries to help you understand, it becomes easier for you to handle.
I can only recommend everyone to tell your girlfriends. It takes the pressure of and helps you to avoid hurting them. I hope you know that PIED is nothing to feel bad about. Nowadays porn is really common and nearly every guy is using porn or has used porn sometime (and I believe every girl knows that). That's why it could happen to nearly everyone, as you don't have to be an excessive porn user to get your brain messed up.
So don't feel too ashamed to tell your girlfriend, she will understand, if you explain her everything. Also you shouldn't be scared that your girl is going to leave you because of it. She won't, if she really likes you. Furthermore I believe PIED is easier to handle than not knowing why your boyfriend can't or doesn't want to sleep with you.
Telling me was the first, but a really important step towards recovery. After that began a journey which wasn't easy sometimes, but in the end when you've made it and look back, it doesn't seem that bad anymore. At first - after him quitting porn - we didn't really know what to do. So we tried no sex for a while, then sex without orgasm, etc. (I think everyone has to decide for himself what's the best way).
For me it was really helpful that there was never nothing going on in bed. We were kissing, he was doing nice things to me without his dick and I could touch him whenever I wanted to. Otherwise I would have been scared that one day we are going to wake up and just feel like friends, not like girlfriend and boyfriend anymore. But please only sleep with your girlfriend or pleasure her if you also want to do it. It is one of the most hurting things if a woman realises that she is the only one who is enjoying it right now.
Apart from that, I think what helps most is when you keep your girlfriend updated. My boyfriend always told me when he read something new about PIED, he also showed me websites like YBOP and YBR, so that I can read more if I want to. We also talked about the current state of his libido. He told me when he was feeling better, also when he was feeling worse, he told me when - during flatline - he felt a little spark in his dick, but also when he had no sexual interest at all. It's good to now how the other person is feeling right now.
In the end, I want to tell you, that it wasn't easy to get through this, but it is so worth it. I'm so happy that we managed to do this together and that he included me in the process of recovery. I feel like the luckiest person right now! Since we saw each other again after 5 weeks of holidays, we spent one week entirely together.
After one failed attempt (which was really because of nervousness), we had the best sex ever. We are sleeping together whenever we want to, how often we want to and most important: it has never been so intense. I'm feeling like he really wants me now - which is just great. Everything is just so uncomplicated. We love to spend time together, have fun, sleep together, stay the whole day in bed. I believe that this experience wasn't all bad. I have the feeling that it brought us closer together and I also think that after coping with PIED, we can enjoy our luck right now even more.
Thank you for sharing everything with me and trusting me with this! It makes me feel pretty special Good luck to everyone who is struggling with something similar. You can make it!
And if you have any questions just contact me, I would love to be helpful!