Age 23 - Karezza experiment
Okay so before Christmas I told my girlfriend that I have been battling an addiction with pornography for the entire time we've been dating (three almost four years.) I've been viewing pornagrahy since I was 11/12 I think, I'm 23 now. Now I've relapsed twice since then but have now been Porn free for 2 weeks and the side effects are going crazy. We've had sex maybe 8 times since then and it's been a lot more intimate and loving than it has but I'm very curious if we should abstain altogether.
- Anyway here's what I'm feeling:
- Cold chills/Hot flashes(i think)
- Feeling of absolute dread that will not go away
- stomach aches/constipation
and the worst of this IMO is guilt, I am a Christian and what I've done to my girlfriend over the past three years haunts me. She has completely forgiven me and feels our relationship is much stronger.
However, we had sex recently while I was going through some of my withdrawal symptoms to see if it would help. The sex was great but it seemed as if I wasn't as into it as I should have. In my mind I feel like I'm no longer as attracted to her as before but that's not true since I cannot stand the thought of being anywhere but with her. So I feel disconnected with her because I'm afraid I cannot achieve the same happiness I had with her when all of this was a secret and I was still using Porn on a daily basis.
Is this normal?
I love her and I don't want to feel like she isn't my everything....but these thoughts are incredibly powerful and controlling and I don't know how to dismiss them...I feel so lost and alone.
I feel like hell, ups and downs all day. Hardly hungry and when I am hungry I usually eat and then feel sick immediately afterwards. Also, I've been M free for three weeks, P free for two weeks and had O last night with girlfriend and then felt extremely bad about it afterwards. Now I am experiencing VERY strong sexual urges. Any sort of pleasure at all would feel fantastic. I just can't handle it.
I and my girlfriend have only been together for three years and I have starved her of the sex she has desired because I let my addiction control my sex drive instead of her. Does this mean that because my levels are messed up, even after a reboot I won't be able to enjoy good orgasmic sex on a frequent basis with my girlfriend/future wife. I know I have caused this and I chose this lifestyle but that seems harsh to limit sex and the overall orgasms we have together to a few times a month. That's what we were doing and I felt bad because she always wanted more. Will I be able to still have a regular sex life with her in the future once the reboot is done?
I'm three weeks free of P and one week w/o O. My girlfriend are going to try karezza during the reboot, making sure I at least do not O. Is gentle oral allowed? And should we wait til I'm at least two weeks w/o O to make sure I am not still experiencing this "chaser effect?" The porn addiction is much weaker now even after three weeks but I am still very sensitive to any triggers, I can just shrug them off easier now.
We've been doing karezza for about a week, not sure if we're doing it right or not but it's been fantastic. She has orgasms but we try to stop before I get close. Only problem, today we had some fun but I was a bit too eager and had a small orgasm. I don't feel the immense shift in my view of her like I did last time(which I'm assuming is good). But I do feel a little worried that I might have to start over with the O portion of the reboot. I feel no difference and actually I feel pretty good but still I wanted to move forward not backward. We will continue with Karezza as it's fun but we might wait a week first. Still, I'm at five weeks without Porn.
I actually lost count of how many weeks I've been without Porn and Masturbation. I think I'm five weeks without Orgasm, seven or eight weeks without Porn and like nine weeks for M. I feel normal now on a regular basis. I still feel a slight pull towards porn when some form of nudity appears on TV or my computer. But it's minimal and easily dismissed. I have absolute adoration for my girlfriend since my reboot. We are very close and use karezza often.
Tonight, however we had sex normally. I achieved orgasm and felt no side effects whatsoever. I feel awesome. I have no problems with any of the side effects I had in the past and feel more confident now. The only concern I have is that we tried normal a little over two weeks early than I gave myself for recovery. The reason why is because I had smaller orgasms a couple weeks ago on accident and felt no change afterwards. So, what I'm getting at is...I cut my reboot a little early because I feel fantastically better than before and even after a few accidents I still feel good. I have nothing to compare myself to but I think this means I'm okay.