Age 24 - Beating HOCD = Saving my life

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I'll tell my story here. August 23, 2012
 
Last years I gradually started to have gay thoughts - they are very rare. Once, coming back from a party, I thought "what if I have sex with a guy?". And yes, I had porn addiction, always masturbating and thinking about crazy fantasies (including gay). But that never interfered in my sexual orientation. So, after I got ED with an old woman, she asked me "are you gay?". Then my mind got blown away. Because I thought to myself "what is the MEANING of the gay thoughts that I previously had?". What if I have a gay/bi side? My HOCD is the Spectrum one, when you can't stop doubting if you have an "ohter side".
 
So I got OCD. In the beggining was hard, I got suicidal, destroyed my life and all the stuff you're used to.So, after 1 year, I really beat OCD, used Schwertz method and others. I discovered YBOP and know I made the link. Why my obsessions are always SEXUAL and never walk hands to hands with a guy? Obviously because the last one I could immediately dismiss as something I disgust and will never do. So I started to think that arousal addiction could have validated in my brain that gay sex was rewarding and then fucked up with my life - because I'm not gay, never was, never will be.

Is it really possible that arousal addiction cause HOCD?

LINK TO JOURNAL- HateAnxiety

 

August 23, 2012

Hey guys, thank you for the answers. By the time now, I really beated HOCD. I have ocasionally one or another thought but dismiss them easily. I feel just like before and awesome. The true about OCD is that you never can get used to the dread feelings it makes you feel. I had it for one year and never get used to the dread, uncomfortable feeling of doubt, of thinking that I should accept myself as bissexual. It just isn't part of our identities, we will never feel comfortable about and that's it. I really believe Gary that sexual orientation is unchangeable, imprinted in our early years. So no matter how much sex fantasies one could have with porn because of arousal addiction, no way this can actually change your identity and sexual orientation. I still agree when they say HOCD can act upon. The case is like this, HOCD guys will only act upon if the OCD is severe, and they will not act because they trully want but in attempt to get over with the unbereable uncertainty. Normally, really-need-to-know HOCD backfire in multiple ways.

What's happening to me know is a change in mindset. Fuck this mindset of arousal addiction, always searching for the next arousal fantasie or video, fuck that life of fantasie.

For you guys with HOCD, if you want I can post the things that I wrote when I was in the climax of overcoming it. Just ask. And if more person believe that arousal addiction can trap someones mind and cause OCD, post it!


 

August 23, 2012

Yes ironworld, I used to have fantasies and more fantasies - the whole novelty thing - and then, gradually, I started to question "if I get aroused by this fantasies, maybe there is a part of me that enjoys it". In the beggining, I was very sure of my sexuality as you but then, step by step, I started to doubt myself. I started to "feel" bisexual, feel that there is a part of me that might enjoy. Then it arrives a day when the woman asked me "are you gay?". And I said "no!". And I knew I was not. But at the same time the question come "and that and that and that fantasies?". So I decide to supress the thoughts. They came 1000 worser to hunt me. I got OCD.

Pure O, the OCD called only obsessional, is about supressing thoughts. Pedophile, blasphemous, gay thoughts. This is why I 100% believe porn can cause OCD. Porn can make you have fantasies about things you thought as disgusting at first, that you identity believes it's inappropriate. Like gay. Gay people are homoaffetive, they love other man as we love woman. Since a child, I never thought about it and always find men with men very weird. But after porn, I start to indulge and get arousal by such stuff. So you got scared at yourself and can't give meaning to the shit anymore. If I'm not bisexual, why do I get aroused by gay obsessions? (fantasies intruding)

When you have OCD you think about sexuality, gay, whatever, all the time. Like all in life is this. Obsessions are about crazy stuff you will never do. And when you got OCD, I tell you, better not have because it's fucking hard to low the anxiety levels again. I spent 6 hours a day trying to analyze and figure out my sexual orientation - the main compulsion, mental coping.


 

September 22, 2012

LINK TO POST: SUCCESS 1001 man to cure ED - Thanks YBOP & YBR for saving my life!

Symptons of PMO times and consequences

- Felt tired all the time, unable to rest, need lots of hours of sleep

- At least mildly depressed, lots of time very depressed, cried a lot

- Lots of anguish and rumination going on

- Have social anxiety, a feeling of being unable to defend myself from other people

- Libido decreasing over the years, to a point of no libido

- I hooked up with lots of girls (and love it), but after my libido get zero, I developed hardcore anxiety when I was close to them

- Was unable to perform in bed and lost several girls that I loved

- Even when I was able to perform, keep losing erections during intercouse and then developed Performance Anxiety

- Lost some of the best years of my youth and they will not come back

- When I got zero libido, developed HOCD, lost one year of my life learning how to beat it and calm down my brain

- My HOCD was the Spectrum one, when you ask yourself "do I have another side?", due to the content of the escalation fantasies

After Reboot

- Reduce 4 hours of sleep every night, wake up much more rested, with more energy

- No more depressions, anguish and anxiety - and that's it!

- No more social anxiety, feeling "alpha" and confident all the time

- Feeling good all the time, what was new, enjoying more day-to-day activities

- Improvements in memory and concentration

- Libido is back, again attracted by real girls

- Several erections during the day

- Very easy to have erections - and that's how it should be!

- Can get erections with intimate fantasies and not only sexual fantasies

- Get horny, erections, but not big cravings for orgasm

Tips on Rebooting

-You shall NEVER see porn ever again. If you stop seeing porn forever, even if you ended up relapsing and MOing, masturbation will not be the same and probably will put you again on the right track

- You must try to DO NOT MASTURBATE as much as you can. I see lots of people relapsing after 15 days and that is such an stupid thing to do, because 2 weeks is the time your body needs to get balance

- You must avoid orgasm with sex also! Wait until you really reboot and think about sex later. Or you will have a mediocre sex with PE, DE, ED or another and also will make your reboot longer

- Abstain, abstain, abstain

- Avoid fantasies during the reboot (but do no overstress, you DO NOT control your libido with your thoughts)

- I didn't know how to reboot exactly, so I relapsed with sex some times! Cause of this probably my reboot take longer. But I advice you guys, takes time, for me is better to think of 6-8 months than 2-3 months

- The more you progress the weaker your cravings get, so this is good sign. Being able to bear cravings and withdrawal without relapsing is the basis for evolution

- For my experience, when you get in flatline and no cravings at all, you're close to reboot

- When you fully reboot you got tens of hard erections during day, they are very easy, you will have trouble not having them

This is a hard and frustrating process, just STICK TO IT! It's SO WORTHY

NO MORE VICTIMS FOR PORN INDUCED ED, LET'S SPREAD YBOP


 

UPDATE: March 23, 2014

2 years now - what have I been doing? ;D (fucking girls, that's what)
I was for long time away from the forum. I didn't want to get back but it still have my email so some guys have asked me inbox about my life now. Then I decided to came back to tell what' going on.I'll resume my carreer here: I stayed away from porn 1 year straight. One year without looking a playboy. In the second year I looked to porn video a couple time maximum in the year. In the first year I stayed 60 days without porn and masturbation but had orgasm with girls. I never stayed more than 20 days without orgasm. I'm not advocating this, that's just my story. I did this reboot stuff for at least eight months to one year. It do helped me. If you guys wants more detail read the old posts.- I can't say how much of my ED was performance anxiety and how much was porn-induced ED. But certainly was not only performance anxiety. So this stuff helped me. Also when I did the reboot stuff, the lack of orgasm makes you want hard to ejaculate. So when I met I girl my dick was 1050% harder. So I got hard and fuck even with big anxiety at that time. This boosted my confidence. 

- To finish performance anxiety learn to calm down your mind with MINDFULNESS MEDITATION. If you have at least 1% of performance anxiety DO IT NOW! Learn it and say goodbye to performance anxiety. Everything works better when you're calm. This is very important point, do not miss it. I learned and meditated every day in this 2 year process. It helps me tremendously.

- In my 2 years recovery I had a couple ED relapses. But now I feel all right, they never happened anymore. And if one day happens, I'll not care since it's not cronic.

- I don't get lots of horny and rocks during the day. I do not became "sexual beast" but when I'm in bed with girls I got rock. That's it. I do not became 15 years old super hormonal again. Or super horny man as I think I would after the reboot. I'm 24 years old who got rock in bed. I'm just normal. That's all.

- I do masturbate every day. I can masturbate one day and fuck a girl on another. No problem. Just get more hard to cum but that's all.

- I do not want to see porn again. When I enter the porn sites I see how lame it is. It is really stupid to see other people fucking on the scream. Porn videos are theatral and fake or disgusting. Do not see porn. That's it.

My advice for the guys here are: do the reboot. Take your time. Learn mindfulness so you can learn about your body and calm down perfomance anxiety.

Good luck to all!