Age 24 - Delayed ejaculation & depression: 21 weeks
8-05 After a long period of no sex (2 years - potentially triggered by a traumatic life event) I decided it was time I sorted my life out and get with some girls. During this period my porn and masturbation use had risen to a point where only extreme and highly specific porn (e.g. 2 mature lesbians dominating 1 young girl on her first sex experience) and a fast, tight, hand action would make me orgasm. I also fantasised when watching, imaging myself as the girl being dominated. Looking back it was all pretty disturbed. I remember it sometimes feeling a little strange at the time but the slow escalation had largely made it seem like the norm. I would spend whole afternoons masturbating over and over.
I wanted to be with girls, as my solo sexual experiences were just depressing. So I decided to quit masturbation and said to myself orgasms could only come from girls. This forced me to go out approach, and flirt with girls. One side affect of the 'I am not allowed to masturbate' is that I stopped watching porn. I didn't know about this website or porn addictions at this point, so I was sort of giving up PMO by accident.
I was surprised. I quickly started to feel attraction for girls. I was horny and knowing I could only get sexual gratification from a girl (my self imposed rule) started to actively approach and pursue girls. I met this amazing girl one night when clubbing and we had a surreal connection, with stupidly high levels of attraction, kissing, grinding, and feeling each other's bodies all over on the dance floor. I asked her to come back with me that night but we said she didn't know me enough. I went home and despite wanting some release, didn't allow myself to masturbate.
We met again and things ended up in her room. I was nervous as it had been so long since I had been in bed with a girl. We kissed passionately and undressed each other but I wasn't getting an erection. Nothing. In fact my dick was tiny and completely limp. Nothing she did had any effect. She was really understanding and said "it's your body there is nothing to be ashamed of". She was so comfortable with her own body, and loved being naked. We spent the whole night lying naked together talking, relaxed and comfortable. It felt great.
The next day I got home and went to my room to masturbate to see if everything was still working. The experience was a little disconcerting. First I struggled to get hard, and then when I did I would loose it. It took about 1.5 hours before I had an orgasm, using the most intense fantasy and hand action I knew. I think at this point I assumed that abstaining from masturbation was not a good thing (I didn't know about rebooting, flatlining etc). No PMO forced me to meet girls (if I wanted an orgasm that was my only choice) but it also seemed to kill my erections.
Jump forward 3-4 months. I tried to have sex with this girl on numerous occasions but I just couldn't get an erection. I always made sure to give her orgasm through oral or my fingers. I wanted her to get something out of our encounters.
Throughout this period I was still masturbating, sometimes up to 5 times a day, but wasn't using porn. I don't remember at what exact point I found this and the YBOP websites, but I became aware that porn was affecting my real life encounters. So I made sure to never use it. But I was still masturbating lots, and although I was thinking about my girlfriend (most of the time), I was still pleasuring myself in my own way and using fantasy. When it came to being with my girlfriend it felt different and I wouldn't be turned on in the same way. In fact sometimes I just didn't want to be in that situation (no erection and her patiently waiting for it felt like hell). I tried masturbating without fantasy which worked, but I soon ended up using fantasy as it was just so much 'easier'. Things did improve over time when we were together (from zero erection completely flacid, to an erection which I lost).
I travel lots so tend not be in one place for all that long. I know I could of had a great relationship with this girl but my ED, and the barrier not having sex put between us, ruined it. What made things worse is that I span a web of lies as a way to account for my problem. I have since come clean and told her everything but, completely understandably, these lies affected her trust for me. I guess a lot of my lies stemmed from a complete confusion as to what is going on. I am 24, super fit and healthy. I shouldn't be getting ED! She at one point suggested viagra. This was simply not a route I was prepared to take.
My world was kind of shaken up after we went our separate way. I lost the first girl I have ever loved because of ED. My mission in life became to fix this problem.
So after reading the successful reboot posts on YBOP I decided to go for complete abstinence (no PMO). Strangely two days after I said good bye to my girlfriend I met a new girl. We totally clicked and had a great night. We ended up at mine and I explained before going to my place that I couldn't do anything sexual that night (because I had just split up with my girl friend - but also because I had just started my reboot (I kept this bit quiet)). A large part of me just wasn't ready.
So we went back and made out like teenagers for hours, feeling each other's bodies, always with at least underwear on. We talked lots, laughed, explored. Setting this boundary made the experience really intimate. I don't remember getting hard (she was teasing me a little by kissing around my penis) but respected my boundaries. Later that night she told me she had been changing her relationship with sex. She hadn't had sex for 6 months and had made a rule that she would only have sex if she had true feelings.
At work the next day, I was a bit shaken up by the experience. It felt too soon, and I was on my no PMO reboot. I left it a while, but couldn't help arranging a meet up the following weekend. We had a great time together and again it ended up in the bedroom. It was all very natural and nothing was forced on either of our parts. I wasn't pushing for anything and would of happily walked her home and left if she had asked. We had another long make out session. It felt very natural and I wasn't escalating to sex, just going with the flow and enjoying her body. It felt like we were really connected, and I wasn't worrying about performance. I had a whatever happens, happens mindset. We agreed we wouldn't have sex that night. She said she needed to think half way through and left the room. She came back and we continued. She obviously had quite strong sexual hang ups her self. I gave her an orgasm using my fingers and she gave me oral. I was super hard at one point but then I started to worry thinking 'I am up, will this stay' and lost it.
The following morning, we cuddled, spooned, and kissed in a really intimate way. I was amazed when I gave her 3 orgasms without even taking her pajamas shorts off. She gave me oral, and I was semi hard but couldn't hold an erection and didn't orgasm. Oral pleasure felt so soft, really amazing, and different to all my masturbation. This whole experience was a real eye opener. We had ruled sex off the cards and reveled in exploring each others' bodies. There wasn't really an endgame. We just went with the flow.
To look on the bright side I feel my ED problems have challenged and taught me what it is that makes a great sexual interaction.
Where I am and my problem
- I haven't watched porn for 4 months now. I am confident that I never will again.
- Masturbating so much meant I got very used to the way I pleasure myself making anothers touch feel alien. Oral sex for example feels so soft compared to the way I masturbate. I guess I have been highly desensitised.
- I can feel myself adjusting and enjoying to real world sex encounters.
- I feel a strong desire to connect with girls since giving up porn. It's like they notice something in me now. I feels like I have had more female attention in the last few months than in the rest of my life.
- My previous abstaining from PMO was in a way an accident. I didn't know anything about the addictive nature of porn or how it affected male performance.
- Since reading this forum and YBOP everything now make sense.
- Not watching porn has been no problem (already given up).
- Masturbation has been very tempting at times.
- Keep having sexual dreams. I seem to lucid dream sex situations and then wake up to realise no one else is in my bed. Very odd.
- Dull aching pain in my balls.
- Day 11-19 - trouble concentrating on work. A light feeling of depression and irritability.
- Exercising daily and my workouts don't leave me feeling tired the next day like they normal would - as an athlete this is very interesting.
- Mega horny when waking on day 19.
So I want to meet up with this girl again. I have a strong desire to be intimate with her. I really want to have sex with her. If we meet I will be at 26 days of PMO. Is this a good decision? Could orgasm via oral or intercourse set me back? If it works and I don't have ED then can I stop my reboot? Presumably the reason for the reboot is so that I can have sex without loosing my erection? So if all goes well then surely I can count the reboot process as a success and completed? I wouldn't jump straight back into 5 a day masturbation sessions, but once a week / 2 weeks no fantasy seems sustainable long term. If I stick with the reboot, how long do I go on for? I initially was thinking 60 days, but I am not really clear when you know it has worked...
I'm convinced masturbation caused as many problems as the porn itself. I got used to a very vigourous hand action and I'm sure this desensitised my penis. After getting used to this level of stimulation a soft blow job didn't seem to turn me on. Aside from that I got so used to controlling my sexual experience (note I wasn't having sex during my 1.5 year PMO binge). When you are playing on your own you know exactly what turns you on, the pressure, timing everything. So when you find yourself with a woman it obviously doesn't feel as good. For me cutting out MO allowed my body to readjust to another's touch. That seemed to be equally important as cutting stimulation from porn.
Spent a cool day with a great lady I get on amazingly well with. We spent a chilled night at her place listening to old vinyl records (hadn't realised how social record players are). We took things very slowly. I was getting fully hard during foreplay, but my erections were coming and going. Wasn't hard at all when she was kissing around my dick as a build up to oral. Our 'sex' session lasted a couple of hours. We ended falling asleep whilst intertwined and kissing. I felt very connected to her that night.
We found ourselves kissing the next morning as we awoke from sleep. Felt amazing to start the day like this. Long, slow, soft kisses, whilst lying face to face on our sides. Things escalated and I was rock hard (I prefer sexual interactions in the morning when I am most horny) when we were 'dry humping' me wearing no clothes, her with panties on. She gave me oral but I didn't get completely hard and didn't climax. It felt great though. We didn't attempt intercourse last night or this morning.
I am starting to wonder whether my ED is now an anxiety rather than porn induced issue. When we are lying naked together, kissing, touching, I will get an erection because I am not thinking about it. However if she starts to kiss me as a build up to oral / sex, thoughts will come into my mind about staying hard, and I would lose it. This seems to be a really tricky one to solve. Telling yourself relax, just enjoy, don't worry etc instantly means that ED is on your mind. I know this is nothing to do with performance anxiety. She puts no pressure on, seems to understand, and from her response to everything else we have done I know I wouldn't have issues pleasing her.
Today (day 29) my balls are aching like never before. It's actually uncomfortable sitting down at the moment, and I am having to constantly adjust my trousers, underwear. Last night and this morning was far too much stimulation without any O. It must of totalled 4 hours of 'sexual' touch. I would love to M to O not for the O just to get rid of this uncomfortable pain.
I was a little disappointed that I am still having problems. But weighing it up this was better than on day 12 of the reboot, which in turn was better than pre reboot (almost never hard). So I guess I need to be realistic and appreciate that things are slowly improving. Patience.
We spent the whole weekend together as it was my last in the country. We had decided to try having sex as I was at 7 weeks and it was the latest we could leave it (Marnia's advice). So I was really disappointed when on day 47 I couldn't feel any sex drive. She came round in the evening and we had a great meal. But in bed I could just feel things weren't going to happen. I told her I didn't have any drive today and she said we would give it a go in the morning.
Saturday morning hornier but we didn't try. She stimulated me a lot I stayed very hard (success!) but couldn't orgasm. Rubbing with her hand, her clit, oral, lube. It really does feel like my body has just forgotten how to ejaculate. We spent the day together and met each others friends for the first time. I got on with hers really well and we had a wicked night. We got home late and pretty drunk so crashed out.
In the morning I again couldn't feel any sex drive. I am the horniest in the mornings and her touch will instantly get me going. She did her usual thing but I wasn't getting hard at all. Then I felt a wave of depression come over me. I've tried so hard at this process and yet I wasn't even getting the slightest bit hard. I was pissed off, frustrated, and to be honest upset. We were lying at opposite sides of the bed. I am able to give her such pleasure using my fingers and oral but completely incapable of feeling this myself.
There was a 20 minute period where I genuinely felt all the feelings of a depressive episode. We were lying in bed naked and she cradled me like a mother would her child. My head was lying on her torso and I was looking away from her into space. I felt numb and empty; helpless and vulnerable. I was on the verge of tears and couldn't look her in the eye. I had been so optimistic about the reboot process and this 'failure' and seriousness of the situation suddenly hit home. I told her I don't like people to see me like this. I was about to leave as I know there really isn't much point being around someone whilst I am in this state.
I have suffered from depression of varying degrees since my late teens; it is something that I have tried to keep from most people. It's affected my relationships as I have always felt it's my problem and not theirs. Opening up would bring a shift in their opinion of me and potentially a change in their actions. I never wanted either. As such I have rarely opened up and very few people know I suffer. What's odd is unlike a usual 'episode' where I feel a build up which allows me to plan accordingly this just came out of nowhere. It was unusual and a little unsettling. But as quickly as it came it went.
Whenever I have felt like this before I have been in a bad place for between 1-3 days. I've never had a turnaround like this. It was like a mini-depressive episode. All the severity of a usual bout but only for a short period of time. A miracle. I've been thinking about why I could snap out of it since. Perhaps it was the way she acted? She didn't freak out. She didn't judge. She showed genuine compassion. She was completely understanding and talked about some things in her past. She actually said she 'liked' it because it made me more interesting. I guess I felt fully accepted as me; bad bits and all.
I soon started joking around and went into a silly mood. I got turned on and with her on top I was fully hard. I asked her if she wanted to have sex. All I wanted was to put it in her. I got up to get a condom, got back to the bed, but then lost it. For some reason I wasn't too annoyed. I joked that someone had a different idea and that it was time for breakfast. We both laughed. I don't know if this is a bit of a physiological block. Erection + Condom = Sex & Sex = worry of ED issues.
We spent the rest of the day together. She cooked me lunch and we cuddled to say goodbye. It was pretty emotional. I guess we have been through a lot and this reboot has given our relationship a level of honesty and trust that wouldn't of otherwise been built in this period of time. A little over a month and I feel she knows me better than anyone else. She thanked me for getting her out of a funk. I thanked her for being so patience and understanding. She joked that some other 'bitch' is going to reap the benefits of her patience whilst I am away lol.
Next 6 weeks and the future of the reboot
So now I am travelling for 6 weeks. I really didn't think I would need a full reboot and going to 90 days seems like a whole lot more time. At the moment I am concerned about my bodies ability to ejaculate. A part of me wants to M to remind myself what O is like. It feels like a distant memory.
I also want to find out if other factors are affecting my sex drive so I've decided to get as healthy as possible. I want to see what my natural state is like. It's like this reboot has turned me into a bit of an experimenter. My steps are:
- Given up smoking - I foolishly took it up recently after 3.5 years of quitting which was foolish. I don't miss it, know I can quit, but hope that I don't suffer cravings.
- Cut right down on alcohol - I considered giving it up completely but this feels like a hard one. I guess a few beers are alright, it's the binge drinking night outs that are bad news.
- Quit caffeine - Apart from the taste of tea, I have yet to find a nice herbal alternative, I won't miss it.
- Exercising in nature hiking, climbing, running, cycling and getting lots of sunshine.
- Taking time off client work - reducing stress.
As for sex my partner will be unavailable for a little while now. We are not formally going out so are not monogamous. I've told her to go find a great man. I am personally not on a search to get laid but am open if I come across someone 'special'. Other than that I will be sticking to the reboot of no PMO. We will meet up when I get back and see how we feel then.
Alarm goes off at 7am, out of bed at 7:30. Out of the house at 8. That's definitely progress for me. I read a blog post which states the time you go to sleep doesn't matter, what's important is having a consistent wake up time. He said you should only go to sleep when you are so tired you can't keep your eyes open anymore. Whether that is 8 o clock on 1 o clock doesn't matter. Reading is a great way to tire you out. I will be trying this method for the rest of my travels.
I like how waking up early gives you a feeling of 'seizing the day'. However I felt wiped out by midday, potentially due to hard exercise inthe morning which I am not used to. I was reading and couldn't keep my eyes open so I decided to take a power nap. 30 minutes and I was back into my day. I do however feel a little tired at the moment. I guess my body needs to adjust. It's adjusting to a lot at the moment right? No alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, less sleep, more/different exercise, abstaining from orgasm. It probably doesn't know what's going on!
Morning erections are now consistent. I had a 'play' in the bath to kind of check I could get erect. It didn't take much effort and I didn't use fantasy. After getting erect I finished 'playtime'. I am in a pretty remote location up in the mountains so haven't really had much female socialising time. I feel like a buddist monk at the moment. Lots of reading, thinking, writing. This 'escape' was long overdue
So I'm a very happy man today. The reboot worked. After 2 months of being apart I reunited with my lady last night. Part of me was unsure of how things would go. Would we still get on like we did before we both went off travelling? Would there still be an attraction? But when we saw one another it was obvious. Big smiles on both of our faces. I walked up and without saying a word we had a long passionate kiss. It felt great to have her in my arms. As if no time had passed. As comfortable as ever. Like we have known each other for years.
Back at her place everything just flowed. I'd been feeling great recently, a strong consistent sexual drive, huge lingering morning erections. I kind of knew things would work but there was still a small element doubt in my mind. Everything did work. We were up all night having sex. When we were last together (day 1 - 49) we would normally play in the mornings because my sex drive just wasn't there at night.
Now despite drinking a lot at a party I was an animal all night long. Every time I got hard easily and held a strong erection all the way through intercourse. We kept saying we really need to get some sleep then one of us would initiate and we'd go again. We drifted off to sleep in each other's arms around 3am but I awoke an hour later to find us having sex again. That was weird. I starting having sex with her in my sleep! She said she awoke to a wonderful surprise. She told me she would return the favour in the morning.
This morning I awoke to her giving me a blow job. We had sex again. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I left early in the morning as she had work to do and said there was no way she could leave the bed if I was there. I got up to get dressed and still had an erection.
My favourite part of the night was this cute look she gave me after we had sex the first time. Such happiness that we were finally here and I was fixed. I felt so connected and attracted to her in that moment. Something beyond just sexual attraction and energy. I don't like the word 'spiritual' but that's perhaps the best way of describing it.
Going through the first part of the reboot with her was tough at times. She was great, so understanding and patient. She never put any pressure on me. She never showed any signs of frustration. But I knew it was a hard on her. I got annoyed and frustrated at times when I thought the reboot would of worked it's magic but I was still having ED problems. She told me it was just a matter of time. We would have sex eventually. Whether that was today, tomorrow, or next month she didn't mind. But I had thoughts that if it didn't work soon she wouldn't stick around.
I think the way she just accepted my problem was amazing. She didn't run. She didn't judge. I saw that she would be there at the bad times as well as the good ones. Perhaps you could go years in a relationship without seeing that trait in action. Having a shared problem, especially one so fundamental to a romantic relationship, brought us so close. In a way it put typical relationship problems into perspective.
However there is still one issue. I didn't ejaculate. We had sex countless times, every time I had a help a rock hard erection but never ejaculated. We went for hours and hours. She had orgasm after orgasm.
She just moved in with her new house mates and was embarrassed about her night long screams of joy! I completely wore her out. So from a performance perspective that was great but I'm not sure why I didn't orgasm. I was ridiculous turned on, panting hard, but never felt that sensation of being close to orgasm. I thought after having no sexual release for so long the opposite would happen and I would ejaculate as soon I entered her.
In a way it was great that I could go on and on. After losing a lot of sexual confidence during my prior ED riddled relationship it was amazing to be fully in control. To be completely comfortable, confident, worry free, dominant. I'd drunk a lot yesterday so maybe that had an effect. But this morning was the same. Blow job and sex (long) but no finish. Any ideas? Is this something that other rebooters have found?
As for the future I'm not entirely sure on my plan. I'd love to masturbate right now. To have a conscious orgasm i.e. non wet dream. I don't know what my future masturbation habit / schedule should be. There's a part of me that thinks perhaps I don't need masturbation. I should just get my pleasure from sex. Another part thinks maybe it's fine if I play softly without fantasy. I'm just aware that I don't want to slip.
11-17 (Day 121, Problems resurface)
I met up with my girl after what felt like a very long week and half of being apart. I was excited and looking forward to sex but there was a little nagging feeling in my head all day long. Had the last successful time been a one off?
We spent a chilled night at her place; food, wine, kissing, cuddling, flirting, laughing. After dinner we got more physical and moved to the bedroom. I remember running down the corridor with a large erection. But in her room it went. Nothing. So I'm left with just my fingers and tongue. The night becomes all about her. She loves that but as usual I feel left out. I can't get any pleasure myself. I can't be my dominant self. Frustrating. I tell her I'd be thinking about 'fucking her brains out' all day long. She says in her usual patient and understanding way 'We I'll just have to wait' and smiles.
Around 4am I wake up to go to the toilet. When I get back into bed she murmurs and puts her arms around me. We cuddle in our sleep and her hand unintentionally rests on my cock. I get turned on which she notices and so starts to gently stroke me. I kiss her really deeply as she starts using both hands. I am now fully erect, full hardness. I pull her close to me and she guides my cock inside her. We have sex for a few minutes and it feels amazing. Then we both realise this is incredibly stupid because I'm not wearing a condom and she is not on the pill. It's all we want but we resist the urge. We play for a bit and then fall back asleep.
This morning she wakes me up with a blow job but as usual I don't ejaculate. After 10 minutes I pull her towards me and we kiss. She goes for a shower and I masturbate out of intrigue but I can't really get hard. Masturbation actually felt odd. She comes back into the room, puts on her makeup for work, then says we have 20 minutes to play. She drops her robe, walks across the room, and sits on me. The feel of her soft skin, her breasts in my face, her smell; I get so turned on. That was an interesting direct side by side comparison. It's great to see myself being more receptive to a woman's touch and presence rather than my own hand. Exactly as things should be.
All in all this was a mixed bag. I thought after our last night together that I was fixed. This was unexpected, annoying, and confusing. What was up in the evening? Did I psyche myself out thinking about this? We smoked a joint before dinner which may of had an effect...
In the middle of the night I had no problem getting or staying hard. So what was different then? In my sleepy state I had no thoughts, there were no expectations, it just happened. When we were together a couple of weekends back we had sex all night and I was hard the whole time. I was also very drunk so again wasn't thinking much. Based on these two situations I'm sure the problem is now just psychological. I need to learn to get to this state of no thoughts or worries naturally. Easier said than done. Relaxing, breathing, no expectations. I've tried it all. It's tricky for me as thinking hard about things is a large part of my character.
Another thing is I'm finding condoms really kill it for me. We loose all the spontaneity and I loose immersion and often my erection. I'm really considering talking to her about going on the pill again. Obviously that's her choice. She talked about it before and didn't mention any side effects for her other than larger breasts. When I have an erection I want to be able to put it to use instantly rather than running the condom gauntlet.
I left her place this morning with a head full of negative thoughts and insecurities. Am I actually going to solve this problem? Is my sex life always going to be like this? Is this fair on her? She loves sex so much. I feel like suggesting she should go and find another man. Or maybe we try for another month and if it doesn't work then we call it quits. Because each sexual interaction like this with her brings me down. She didn't say anything about it. Part of me is amazed she is still with me. I feel like asking her why. Why haven't you turned your back on this? I guess she must really like me.
It sucks because everything else between us feels great. We are so comfortable together. She's the person I want to see. When we say good bye it feels like we didn't have enough time together. I want her to stay in my arms. There is still so much I want to talk to her about, so much I want to find out. I don't know if she feels it but I think I may be falling in love.
In general I'm not an insecure person but this situation has me worried. I've already lost a girl I love from ED. I really don't want this to happen again. I want us to have a great relationship. I want us to have a great sex life, I don't want it to be like this. I need to talk to her but at the same time I don't want to put pressure on her. I don't want her to feel any sense of obligation to stay in this relationship.
And all of this because a part of my body is not functioning properly. Crazy!
I guess I looked at the reboot as a 100% guarantee solution. Just don't PMO and you will be back to normal. I realise it also takes work on yourself and time once you finish. Hell, when we first met my penis was almost dead. The last two times we've been together we've had sex. Once I 'enter' there is no issue staying hard. There has been so much improvement. Things are only going to get better.
Sexual interactions are a time of connecting, a time to be intimate and close. I want penetrative sex to feel this connection to her rather than the orgasm itself. What I need to learn is to quieten the thoughts in my mind. Am I getting hard? How hard am I now? Why am I not hard at the moment? Before I had this problem I didn't know about ED so these thoughts simply weren't on my mind. I was just relaxed and enjoying the moment. But now I have a bit of a backlog of negative sexual experiences. I guess it will just take time to fully get over this.
Immersion is the key. Physically I'm fixed. Relaxation, breathing, adoring her gorgeous body and being. I also imagined a scenario where things were reversed. If this particular girl had insecurities about her body or sex, or a low sex drive I wouldn't run. I care for her too much. I'd be there to help her and us get through any problem. Our relationship is more than casual sex. It's her, the person that I am into. Her sensuality, femininity, caring and nurturing nature, intelligence, sense of humour, quirks, peculiarities, and idiosyncrasies. Knowing this and the way she feels removes this doubt. It was a useful thought experiment.
I'm going to stop recording the day count as it doesn't seem relevant anymore. To all intents and purposes the reboot is complete. I'm never going to use porn again. I can say that with complete conviction. Watching an image of a naked girl on a computer screen? That feels like a previous life which doesn't interest me now. I've taken off my restriction on O with my partner and am even considering mixing in the occasional MO without fantasy.
As for the relationship I can see a real future between us. Unlike other relationships I've started I don't feel giddy with excitement or the reverse, feeling afraid or scared. It just feels comfortable and natural. Right. She asked me to move in with her, an offhand comment as I am looking for a new place in the city. We both laughed and said that would be an awful idea at this point but it's interesting she had that thought. I travel a lot, splitting my time between two countries, so this is something that I entertained as a possibility. Who knows. Day by day. No pressure. No defining. Just living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.
I went to my lady's house on Sunday to look after and bring her some cheer as she was ill (headache, soar throat). She is also on her period. Lucky me! But actually it was completely chilled and she was really gentle, tender, and relaxed. It's the first time we have spent a decent amount of time together (24+ hours) since being back. The hours seem to just fly by despite the fact we often just chill in bed, listen to music, cuddle, and play. It's never dull and doesn't get boring. We spent the whole night sleeping in each others arms. She said she has never done that before as she needs her space to sleep. So much cuddling and kissing, oxytocin levels through the roof!
We had some very intimate conversations. Both of us openly admitted to being commitmentphobes. We agreed to take it one day at a time and see where things go. No pressure. She said if things don't work we can just be friends. I had to explain that unfortunately this is not usually possible. That's the risk we take getting more involved. She also told me how it seems pointless for her to see anyone else as it just wouldn't compare to this. She openly admitted to feeling possessive of me and would be jealous if I was with another girl. One point that I thought interesting is her distinction between having sex with someone from the past where there was a history over a one night stand. To me there is no emotion in the ONS so it is meaningless whereas a past lover is never straight forward. She thought the opposite. It was because there was emotions that it was justified. A ONS on the other hand is a greater 'offence' because of that very lack of depth; giving yourself away to a stranger so easily. It seems this was a bit of a male vs female mindset difference.
I questioned why she hung around despite my ED problem to which she replied she was sorting through some of her own sexual issues at the time and it was good to get to know me before jumping into sex which would just confuse her emotions. She also said it's in her nature to be very nurturing and maternal to those she cares for. She wants people to be whole and will do whatever she can to help.
I told her that the thing I value most is honesty. I don't want there to be any secrets or lies between us. I said I would never get angry or judge her whatever she told me. I want to know her, the whole her, bads bits and all. We agreed to start opening ourselves up more to each other.
I'm still having the non-ejaculating problem. Oral and handjobs; every time I get so turned on, uncontrollable panting, but I just can't finish. It's really odd, I don't get what the obstacle is. At one point I hit a 'peak' and thought I was going to O. I had an intense sensation but then it was as if I couldn't get any more aroused. So I started to go soft. It was like an O without ejaculation. My whole body was buzzing afterwards and I had that spaced out happy post O glow. I really haven't felt anything like that before.
I'm also spotting some trends. When we are outside the bedroom and things can't escalate I get really turned on and hard. Then when we go into the bedroom I go dead downstairs. It takes the sight of her being turned on to get me hard, which is why it often doesn't work when she is just pleasuring me. I need to feed off her arousal. It can take a hour before I am in the right place mentally.
Then there is the fact that I always wake up around 4 or 5 in the morning and am super horny. Having her naked body next to me is agony. I'm turned on and the object of my design is in my arms but asleep. I can't sleep and getting out of bed at that time makes no sense. So I 'check' if she is awake. I feel kind of bad waking her up, especially last night as she needed to get her sleep, but I simply can't help myself at the moment. Her body drives me crazy. She told me she loves being woken up and finding me so heat up and passionate. It's something about being sleepy as well that makes it feel like a dream and I don't think about anything but the moment. I am always fully hard at this hour. We play for a bit and then collapse in a heap completely out of breathe to drift back into sleep. I really love these middle of the night sexual interaction.
The chemistry between us at the moment is pretty wild. I get the idea of the honeymoon period but we just can't keep our hands off each other. Just being with her turns me on, that turns her on, and then the cycle begins. We both want to have sex so much. We talk about it, both imagining, fantasising as we tell each other what we want to do. She tells me all she wants is to feel me come inside her. I want it, she wants it. So it's kind of agony that things are not working out (me or nature). Next weekend we will see what happens.
Finally I decided to masturbate when I got back home. It was the first time in 125+ days! I needed to feel an O. I tried not to use any fantasy but I couldn't get hard. So I fantasised about her, thinking about things we had done, imaging having sex with her on the window sill in her bedroom, or on the chair in the kitchen. Using these thoughts I could get and stay hard. It felt quite strange to be masturbating. Once I was hard it was probably 5 minutes before I ejaculated. I've never seen so much semen in my life. I just get shooting out more and more. There must of been a big backlog from the abstinence. The orgasm was intense.
I'm glad I did MO. It had been so long and I needed to remember what O felt like. But why can't I do this in her presence? All the problems are in my mind but I don't really know the way forward. Relax, breathe, become immersed in her body and being. I try all these things but can't consistently get into my 'sex head space'.
We finally cracked the delayed ejaculation problem. I had an orgasm for the first time in her presence. I needed one hell of a lot of stimulation to get me there but what an orgasm! She was so delighted. Delighted for me but also for herself as she said she felt a little inadequate not being able to get me to orgasm (a role reversal on the stereotypical male-female sex problem).
After that the next two were easier and more natural. It felt like I broke a mental block. I've been thinking about what had caused my delayed ejaculation during sex 'problem'. I was consciously holding back from orgasm during the reboot. I read another rebooter's blog post that said orgasm with his girlfriend had slowed the reboot process. I therefore decided I would abstain from orgasm during sex as well as M. I would stop all stimulation whenever things got too heavy (blue balls galore). So perhaps when I decided it was time to O my mind had been programmed against it. I would then try hard and that made it impossible. I like Marnia's advice to try reverse psychology "Tell yourself you don't want to ejaculate no matter what...and you will".
As for everything else, well it's improving but there is still some tweaking to do. I'm having problems with loosing my erection when getting a condom on. I feel like my erections are still a little 'fragile' at the moment. This extra step just adds to the challenge. So we ended up using the withdrawal method, which we both said that we cannot do again (both clean from STI's but pregnancy concerns) as it's just asking for problems (although adds a very interesting stop-start flow to sex). If I am not hard I can pretty much guarantee a full erection if I enter soft or semi-hard. It's also possible to have sex even if I am not fully erect, whereas a condom will become loose. We talked about her going on the pill. She didn't say she wouldn't but mentioned her side effects and her somewhat forgetful memory (she mentioned injection instead). She said she always used a condom when on the pill before. I told her I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do, so we'll crack the condoms!
2 weeks till our next meet up, but in a way the distance 'challenge' makes us savour our time together.
Because of our busy lives and somewhat long distance relationship we make the most when we are together. Started off oral to O before dinner. Before going to sleep we had sex. I stopped myself from O. We woke up in middle of the night, had sex and I had an O. The next morning I wake up to oral, and then sex (15 minutes). I was not completely hard throughout though. She is on top which is not my favourite position. I perhaps was a little sleepy, I left her vagina soft without O.
I'm still not hard on demand. I've become so comfortable being naked with her. But I think we are both getting really good at reading each other bodies. I am most horny in the middle of the night, which we take advantage of. Sex at 4 in the morning feels dream like. It's a really unconscious thing, it just seems to happen when we share a bed. It's amazing sex as I feel fully present. I never have any anxieties. There are no expectations at that hour. I'm trying to get to a point where I can enter this state at all times. To see sex as a completely fun, intimate act, without having any anxieties, worries, doubts.
She has decided to go on the pill. I feel a little bad because I know if I wasn't having problems with condoms then she wouldn't have to. But the withdrawl method is scaring us both and is preventing us from fully immersing myself in the act.
The reboot has felt like such a necessary step. It's been so much more than just getting my penis back into working order. It's taken me to a place where a serious relationship feels like a natural thing. I think I never really understood why people would want to be girlfriend and boyfriend before. I guess PMO was my comfort zone. As it turns out not having sex (penetrative) for the first few months meant we really got to know each other. It has had the feeling of a high school romance.
I'm moving next week and for the first time we will be living close together; a slightly scary 10 minutes walk between our homes. I guess as we become larger parts of each others lives we will really start to find out what this is and whether there is a future. Scary but exciting at the same time.
My girlfriend had been away for 2 weeks. She went onto her period the weekend before she left. So it had been 3 weeks since we had had sex. I started masturbating quite a bit when she was gone, albeit without porn and most of the time without fantasy. When I did fantasise I was thinking of her and our previous bedroom adventures or other girls I had been with in the past (no crazy porn style thoughts). My sex drive seems to of gone up a lot since getting into this relationship. I realised masturbating regularly was unwise so stopped 4 days before she came back.
I went round to hers in the morning. It was great to see her and have her back in my arms. Straight to the bedroom, undressing as we talked, laughed, catching up. I love how natural, comfortable, and laid back we are together. She told me she had abstained from masturbation for the whole two weeks. That's very unlike her. She said she was inspired by my reboot effort.
Her body was alive. It was almost like she was having sex for the first time. She was so sensitive and almost a little nervous. It was really cute. We had sex once and both collapse into a panting heap. Then again 30 minutes later. I had two O's. I was 100% hard throughout. What is odd though is that I had an erection about 5 minutes after I ejaculated. Usually that's me done for a few hours. We went to watch a film. Then came back and had sex again. I didn't O this time (long session). Altogether this was the best sex of my life.
I've now got to the point where I am no longer thinking about ED. I used to have this dialogue running in my head "Am I hard yet?", "Am I going to have a problem", "Ahh no she's going down on me, but I'm not going to be able to get hard". This has now disappeared. It seemed to take me a while to break through the backlog of negative experiences in my mind. Yesterday I was completely immersed and in control. No worries, no doubts. Just enjoying the experience. Amazing.
LINK - Entire blog
BY - intriqued