Age 24 - ED and femdom fetish: Almost one year

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sea coralI want to tell you guys a story. A story of a young man in his best years. It’s been more than 10 years since I last felt like this. I was 13 back then and just had my first serious girlfriend. Well, it felt serious back then ;-)

She was a little older and really beautiful, so I was proud I got her. I felt like I could do anything. A lot has happened since then.

I remember seeing porn for the first time at age 9. My parents were out that night so I stayed at my grandma’s place over night. There was a separate TV in the room I slept and I was out of my parent’s surveillance. So what did I do? Secretly stay up late and watch TV. I stopped flipping through the channels when I saw it. The first sexual act I had ever seen in my life. They were showing some kind of softcore movie. Somehow I just knew how to get the best out of this – masturbation. Or whatever you want to call the thing I was doing back then.

It took some more years before I saw it for the second time. I was 12 when my best friend showed me a CD with some images he had gotten from a classmate. They were very basic images, kind of 80s style, but I had never seen anything like it before. I don’t remember the rush, but I’m sure I was excited as hell. The only way to access it though was TV. I didn’t have internet access, and the occasions when I could watch such movies were rare. So the masturbation was mostly based on fantasy, which at the time wasn’t too vivid regarding sex. So I had made contact with porn, but in the following two years seen it very rarely. Mostly when my friends, who already had internet access, showed me a scene.

When I was 14 I got internet access, on my own computer, in my own room. I remember the first thing I looked for: downloading MP3s. The second thing, you guessed it: p-o-r-n. I was hooked so quickly that I started watching on a regular basis. I don’t remember how often, but often. I also don’t remember how quickly it escalated, but quickly. I didn’t stop, because why would I? Everything was going great. I had a lot of friends, was considered “one of the cool guys”. By the time I was 16 I had already seen everything, or so I thought. I was shocked when I e.g. found out people have sex with animals, too. Shocked, but excited. It didn’t turn me on, but it was new. Like a new bubble gum flavor that tastes weird but you chew it anyway, and suddenly you like it in a weird way. It went like that with a lot of those genres. I was 17 or 18 when I felt something was wrong with me. Among friends we occasionally talked about porn, but their interpretation of “weird” differed from mine… a lot. For them it got weird when somebody pulled out a whip. For me that was more like boring foreplay. It must have been the time, when the famous “two girls one cup” video came out. Everyone I knew was shocked and disgusted. On the outside I was, too. On the inside I was bored. I had seen those things way too many times. Porn had started affecting my life by then. The factor “shame” came into play and it started to become a method of not just releasing pressure, but also forgetting about problems, boredom and loneliness, basically any feeling of discomfort. It was weird because I was a social guy and I knew it. But I had less and less friends. After masturbation I felt awkward, a little disgusted (depending on the scene I watched) and lonely.

It must have been about three years ago, I was 21, when I discovered femdom. It had existed before, but I felt like it was expanding. They got creative, and my addiction brain liked it. Very much actually. I started to obey instructions from a girl on a screen, degrading and punishing me. The weirder it got, the more I liked it. During the act, of course. Afterwards I felt like the last moron to walk the earth. Thoroughly disgusted with what I just watched and jerked to, and done. That didn’t stop me, of course.

About a year earlier I had started my first semester at university. You’ll naturally meet a lot of people in the beginning, especially girls, which is why I thought everything was ok again. I met this one girl who changed everything. We liked each other a lot and got intimate quickly. I remember undressing her and her undressing me. But for my brain this was like the worst amateur porn. So he just wouldn’t go up. Nothing, not even 10%. Like he had been unplugged. I tried to hide it and get it up “manually”. But no chance. There she was, lying on my bed, beautiful face, hot body, sweet personality. A lot of people wanted her. And there I was, unable to do anything. Of course I told myself, that she just wasn’t hot enough and bullsh** like that. But who was I kidding? And there were more instances where nothing happened in my pants after that.

This destroyed everything I was. My self-esteem dropped down to zero and below. For about two years I was miserable. Nothing in my life seemed to work out. I had very few friends, went out very rarely and had little to no fun at all. I felt and behaved awkward in every social situation, especially around girls. "That's so stupid, why would anyone ever say that, are you out of your mind?!" was a phrase that went through my head so many times, right after I shut my mouth. At one point, about a year ago, I went to see a hooker (luckily not illegal where I live). I wanted to check if “performance anxiety” was a factor. I thought “she gets paid and doesn’t care if I perform well or not”. Surprise, I didn’t perform at all. Seldom was I so ashamed. I felt like porn had something to do with it, but I just couldn’t stop. But I knew that femdom just wasn’t natural and began to continuously cut it down step by step to just one or two sessions a week and just simple nude pictures. That was already a huge improvement. There was a time when I did it 5 times a day, every day.

But there was something missing. How did this all connect? Next day after the hooker incident I started googling for answers, but mostly just found things like physical problems, stress and performance anxiety. I was healthy, had no stress (other than the fact that I couldn’t get it up, ever) and had just ruled out performance anxiety the day before. I even went to see a urologist for advice. He offered to give me a Levitra (kind of a substitute for Viagra) as this might help me get out of the vicious circle. But that just didn't seem to be the correct solution. I didn’t tell him about porn though. For some reason I thought he might laugh at me for thinking porn affected my ability to get it up. I went home and was browsing through the “Sex section” of a national pick up forum when somewhere, in some comment, a guy posted a link: www.yourbrainonporn.com.

Chapter II – The Change

I took me about two days until I had read every scientific explanation, read dozens of stories of successful rebooters and decided: this is my path now.

Since then I had many runs. The first one 8 weeks, some just 2 days. It took me about 9 months of constant rebooting, failing, changing/adjusting things and trying again to find out the only way this can be done: absolute 100% dedication. There is no “just real quick” or “not dangerous”, and especially no “maybe”. It is, or it is not. No in between. This has been said many times before but is still not stressed enough. There might be fancy solutions with tricky web blocker adjustments where you might surf 80% safely. But I prefer the safe way. Because the safe way has a simple logic: no internet – no porn. And yes, you will survive without a computer or constant internet access and yes, I thought I needed it as well. I didn’t. Also, it doesn’t matter how good your blocker is, your addiction brain is better. There is a way around any blocker and if your brain really wants it, you’re screwed. Always ask yourself this: how bad do you want it? If you’re not willing to give up as little as your internet for the time of rebooting, the pain can’t be too big. You obviously haven’t suffered enough. You have to want it as bad as you want to breathe. Try this: hold your breath until you can’t bear it any longer and then imagine keeping internet access means keep holding your breath. Cutting the access means breathing.

It’s been almost a year since I found YBOP and I am at approx. 3,5 months. My plan from the beginning was, that when I felt I was ready, I wanted to MO to release some initial pressure and then see a hooker again. My way of rewiring. Three days ago I felt the day had come. The day before yesterday I had my first successful sex, for the first time in… well, ever actually. 100% erection, for like 30 minutes, twice (sometimes it would drop to 80% for a minute or two, but still). Holy sh**! :-D Obviously my rewiring is not complete, since this was with a professional, so certain exceptions apply. But I’m sure this is just a matter of time.

I don’t have any superpowers or suddenly won a Nobel-price, but I feel normal again, like a normal member of society. I feel like I’m 13 again, but with more experience and body hair.

I know how hard rebooting is, especially because of the withdrawal symptoms. I had bad depressions and was aggressive for no reason, like a 14 year old girl. And don’t get me started on the urges. But if you are in the middle of rebooting, dear reader, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

People always want to know how you did it. So how did I make it? What helped me most? What is my advice for you? Firstly, listen to my advice above, because I’ve been there. Secondly, don’t do it alone.

Some time at the end of last year I met GonnaSolvethis on the forum. We started chatting and shared stories, motivated and kept each other from relapsing in many ways, even if it was early in the morning or late at night. I would like to thank him (again), because without him, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Thanks bro! You will eventually make it, too!

I would also like to thank Gary Wilson, your work helps a lot of people around the globe!

If you have any questions or need advice, feel free to message me or post below.

All the best to all of you,

BlueIce

LINK - It's over. It's done.

BY - BlueIce