Age 24 - Medical student with panic attacks
10-27 So I'm 24 years old, and have been MO since around 12 or 13, and to P when I could get it. Only since started university 5 years ago have I had regular access to high speed internet, and that's when I noticed the changes. On average, I would say I PMO 5 or 6 times a week. I wasn't a social recluse or anything, I still loved hooking up with women and being social. However, there was always a strange sort of nagging when I was in bed with a girl, as if I'd almost rather be masturbating and not having to worry about what she thinks or whatever. Basically, my sex drive/life was extremely inconsistent. At my lowest lows, I couldn't get it up and was miserable, depressed and embarassed.
At my highs, things seemed "normal" but I was always anxious and couldn't hold down a girlfriend for this reason. I'd say the ratio of positive to negative sexual experiences was 1:1. I'm lucky that I wasn't suffering as bad as many of the others here, I hadn't yet gotten that deep. But I was headed that direction: the stress and anxiety from med school, a newly established social anxiety (which was gaining momentum), coupled with endless failing relationships, then mix with a caffeine addiction and going overboard on the drinking. After having a series of panic attacks, and reflecting on my behavior, I knew something was seriously wrong.
One thing about med school is that a lot of students become hypochondriacs, always thinking they are suffering from some ailment they are learning about. Well, this happened to me. I thought I had a lymphatic disorder or low testosterone levels. Got checked, everything was normal but tried taking a hollistic approach to it. I went to GNC and bought tons of supplements, like Yohimbe, L-Argenine, fish oil, even buying Cialis from an online pharmacy in India. I felt pathetic. Then, I read some literature for school about porn addiction. I had heard of it, but never thought I had it that bad. I delved deeper, and learned about how it affects neurotransmitters the same manner gambling does, or even any other addiction. I was out of options: feeling sick from the supplements, depressed, anxious, lonely... I knew I had found the solution in print after slowly realizing what I had been doing to myself.
[More background] So I'm on day 77 no P or M. I've just kind of been a passive observer so bear with me.. but I really need advice.
I'm a med student doing research in Africa... I've been here for just about two months, started abstaining on august 9th and today is october 26. I've been in Africa since sept 1. Definitely noticed something was wrong with my erections when I first started college after a very healthy sex life in HS... so five years later, I realized it was the porn and masturbation and came to this realization after reading published medical literature. After years after anxiety due to not getting it up or not performing well leaving me insecure and out of options, I had little to lose. Side note... lost like 15 lbs and definitely saw an increase in performance and likelihood of getting erections.. went from like 33% to 50% of having successful penetration. I try to save face by saying "ohhh I don't feel too great" if I don't think my dick is up for it (haha, pun intended).
Anyway. No porn or masturbation: Definitely saw amazing progress, even after like a few days. I am much more confident, easier to be around, friendlier, ladies love me (they always did, but during my dark days I feel like they could sense the insecurity and could tell I wasn't 100 percent). I've had no relapses. I'm staying the hell away from porn for the rest of my life, and I haven't even had the urge to go back. Even masturbation urges are infrequent (going from every night to cold turkey on 8/9/11). I've had 4 or 5 wet dreams since I've started and actually noticed a "hangover" the next day... some feelings of depression or guilt for a day or two after. It's gotten to the point where I can predict it, and knowing that I will be feeling down, allow me to worry less about it.
I also have a pretty bad caffeine addition, thank you med school. I've seriously cut back since getting to Africa, usually a coffee every day and maybe a Coke. I'd say I'd average around 100mg of caffeine daily- MUCH less than when I was averaging 500-700+ per day. I kind of notice the same hangover feeling after a coffee... I'm perked up, but I feel rather shitty in general. I'd look into literature of caffeine and dopamine but that's not even the point. Another problem: I like to drink, and I like to drink too much. Brings back the old swagger of more confident days, and gives me usually enough confidence to take things to the next level...though of course if I'm too drunk, I'm back to square one. So since I've started this regimen: totally 180 personality wise. I'm like a new person. Social anxiety (which has slowly been creeping up on me) is totally gone. I've slept with two girls since I've been here, an asian girl and a Norweigen girl, both times drunk after a night out. Got it up and got it in, and both girls were satisfied.... but.......definitely felt the emotional drain both days after (on top of the alcohol hangover) and just felt like I'd never feel horny again. It's a shame because I really like the Norwiegen girl, and we've been seeing each other pretty regularly. I've been trying to take it slow because I don't want to embarrass myself, but luckily she's not the aggressive type. She stayed over last night (I had a beer earlier and was a bit drowsy) and kept it a make out session because I wasn't sure if I was up for it. We were fooling around this morning and I was hard as a rock for a while but no condom.. and then later on (after having coffee) we had one but found myself making excuses and not feeling excited.
What the hell is my deal? I'm on day 77 of no P or M, have a beautiful girl who I want as my girlfriend waiting for me to take her and I just keep failing! I want to be an adult and have a healthy sexual relationship, something that I was inadvertantly denying myself these last few years. Help me! Get me back on the right track because I thought I was doing so well If anyone has experience with dopamine issues enduced by caffeine/alcohol and how they relate to sexual activity, let me knowww. THANKS!
Since I stopped PMO (excluding two Os, see below), I've done a complete 180. I'm much more of a gentleman, confident, cocky, and happy. The depression I've been battling on and off for years is waning (though they are some spikes, but I feel like they aren't as severe and don't last as long). Even if I don't ever fully recover my sexual health, the personality changes make it worth it (whether or not this is the placebo effect, I don't care! It's real to me). Overall, I'm a much better person than I was 79 days ago, when I couldn't even write an email to a professor or talk to my best friend without feeling anxiety.
I've slept with two girls since I've started this regimen of getting my sexual life back on track. The first time was about 5 weeks into the reboot; a drunk one night stand with my friend. Despite being hammered, I felt totally different about the sex. I was much more passionate, it felt better, and I was more turned on and worried less about performance, which was always a big concern. I was just enjoying myself. Normally, when I go to put on a condom, I freak out and go limp but this wasn't an issue this time. I knew I wasn't cured by a longshot of course, and I felt an emotional drain the next day and a flatlined libido. I was definitely depressed for a few days after, but kind of blamed it on culture shock and homesickness (I'm doing a semester in Africa). That soon passed, and I became very optimistic and happy soon after.
For the last week and a half, I've been seeing a new girl, and we've been really into each other. A lot of kissing and cuddling, and I felt like I really am bonding with the opposite sex for the first time in years; not just objectifying a woman but truly being able to "like" her and being sexually attracted to her too. You never like the porn stars when you're addicted to porn, and the real life girls that you like end up being put on a pedestal way too high, they sense insecurities, and leave. Anyway, after a night out (I was pretty drunk, she was fine/buzzed?) we were hooking up. I was hesitant to put on a condom because I was worried I would lose it... but the alcohol gave me confidence and we had sex. I was happy, 2/2 since I've started the reboot process started! But alas, not rebooted. The next day I felt the same mentality after the first sexual experience a few weeks prior. I was sad because this was with a girl I really liked, and I just wanted to be alone with my depression. I made an excuse that I had to do some work, so she left pretty early (though on good terms). A few days later, she came over again (after I had one beer so I was little drowsy). I was worried that I wasn't going to get it up, so I lied and said I didn't have a condom even though I was at least half mast.. but I don't know. Didn't want to risk making a fool of myself. The next morning we stayed in bed for hours fooling around, which was really nice. We had intercourse on the pretext of "just the tip, just for a min" without a condom (I know, unsafe! but she's on BC though it's not as effective because we have to take malaria prophylaxis here). Anyway, I was sober and was hard as a rock, though she felt so good I was in danger of a PE so I got out of there quickly. Later that day, we went to her place (where she had condoms) but I feigned being tired to not risk embarrassment.
I'm depressed because I can't yet have a normal sexual experience with a girl I really like. I feel like it gives me anxiety, which is why I'm taking it slow but I know things are due to speed up in the next few days... I feel totally flatlined right now and depressed. It's a shame because only like 5 or 6 days ago I felt like I was on top of the world. These highs and lows are making me crazy! I really hope I haven't set myself back to square one by having drunken sex... I don't know what to do anymore. Not that I will ever go back to PM. Ever. But I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I will try to update this as often as I can with limited internet here, and hopefully next time I blog I'll have good news.
So it's been five days since my last post, and thinks are definitely looking better... the "hangover" depression is faded for the most part. This weekend for the most part was good; I went on a weekend getaway with my new girlfriend. She's also the first girlfriend I've really been able to appreciate in years I feel like. It's new and exciting.
Anyway, this weekend we stayed deep in the jungle at this waterfall lodge. Had an amazing day hiking, swimming, flirting, etc. Still, not being entirely sure of myself, I prepared myself a way out and feigned feeling sick and tired (which was half true anyway). I felt kinda pathetic but I felt I may need to save face if in case things went wrong later.
Basically we got back and were fooling around and I guess it was the excitement, the nervousness, the stimulation from dry humping and the fact that I feel sooo sensitive now after 2.5 months of no M. And I was sober.. the other times I had been pretty drunk and could last a while. But yeah, lubricated condom went on, I penetrated, and... I PE. Haha. But... I was discreet and just pulled out and said I wasn't feeling well enough. I felt bad but she didn't actually realize I think. I hid it pretty well and I guess she figured I was all hot and sweaty from not feeling so great. Whatever, it was embarassing but she didn't know. I go to the bathroom, toss the condom and go back to bed.. and 15 minutes later.. we're at it again. Try not to laugh at me. But it happened again. I maybe lasted a minute... but again I pulled the same trick saying that sex just wasn't comfortable and hid my PE haha. SO SHAMEFUL! I laugh now but I was pretty horrified.. anyway, she figured I was just not feeling well and didn't realize that I PE'd 2x in a half hour, total American Pie style.
The next morning though, we were fooling around again, and ended up in the shower. This time went a lot better... I got her off manually and then had sex (no condom) for maybe like 5 min in the shower... but it was really passionate. Great success. So overall, I'd give myself a C- for the two PE but not an F since I made up for it the next morning. I think she would give me a B+ since she didn't actually know about the PE.
Regardless, the weekend wasn't about sex and I found myself happy to be around her and her also around me. I felt kind of crappy the day after I got back and just needed some alone time, but later went to her apartment and spent time with her (roommate was there so nothing too intimate). Definitely progress and I feel optimistic, but I'm still feeling sooo shy. I'm looking into buying the extended pleasure condoms but I dunno if they will be easy to find in Africa.. hm. I just want to be better already! However, I'll take PEs over one dead dick anytime. Let me know if you have any advice or if this is normal! I'm just soooo sensitive there now...
It's been an interesting week. Mostly from the mood swings.
Let me start from where I left off:
Pros: Regular girlfriend and all the sex that I can handle. Which I've been taking advantage of... had sex 4 times in a row for the first time in my life. Woohoo! Diminished social anxiety.
Problems: Had a wet dream, while sharing my bed with my girlfriend and our (female) friend. Haha, soo embarrassing. I got up and took care of it without them noticing.. I'm just worried I was moaning or something in my sleep. Also, the dream leading up to the WD was...strange. I know other people have blogged about their dreams and not much stock should be put into them.. but after these dreams I'll still have a "hangover" of lethargy and depression for a day or two after. This also happens after an O... I've never had these feelings before in my life, before the porn addiction or during. Another thing I've noticed, is that with all this sex... I'm starting to feel how I was before the recharge, like I'm expending too much dopamine on these orgasms (even though they are amazing and my new girl is phenomenal!). Like social anxiety, depression and creepy uneasy feelings are sneaking back up on me. Maybe we'll have to take it easy on the sex... 6 Os in 24 hours must be a rollercoaster for the CNS. There are lots of valleys and peaks to recharging. Still worth it though... could anyone send me the link to the guy who made the graph of his mood swings? I think that will give me some faith to keep on keepin' on.
So it's been ages since I last posted. It's now March and last post was in November when I was living in Africa. I still have not watched porn or masturbated since August - though I have seen pornographic material, and at separate times I have kinda "played" with myself but not for too long and not til an orgasm or while watching any porn. Basically, girls I know have sent me naked pictures, and who can resist? haha. Anyway, I have long since shaken the habit of masturbating to porn.
232 days is a long time and crazy changes have occurred. Whether these are attributable to not PM, I don't know. First thing: in August, I weighed 138 pounds, I now weigh about 165. Don't get me wrong, I'm in great shape... I've been going to the gym daily since end of December when I returned from Africa. I look good and no longer do extensive cardio... it feels better to be jacked. I am also a lot hornier. I would say at least once a day I get so turned on! I also have noooooo social anxiety at all, which bothered me at lot while I was constantly PMOing. I am also much, much much more confident in interviews and feel more comfortable standing up for myself, and also care less about "little things". I'm more laid back and don't let problems phase me as much. Anyway, I had a girlfriend for a while (refer to previous blog posts). Had some pretty epic sex. Went four times in a row one night, slept for a few hours and then went 2 more times. While that was a pretty incredible feat, I did try some yohimbe (a sexual stimulator) and used condoms (I tend to be pretty sensitive since I'm not PM). Anyway, while in a relationship, the sex was good and on average I'd last 10-20 minutes, sometimes more, sometimes less. Anyway, we've since broke up and I'm back in the US and now relying on booty calls to get it done.
This is problematic. If I'm not drinking/drunk... I'm pretty susceptible to premature ejaculation. It went away w/ a girlfriend cuz we were doing it so much but sporadic blowjobs and quickies aren't desensitizing me. I don't really care though, I'm still getting action. I'd say I'm still 50/50 on a good experience vs. a bad experience (before stopping PM, I was 50/50 on getting an erection or not, now I'm 50/50 on premature ejaculation or not) I'd much rather PE than not get hard, at least I'm getting to bust a load and my excuse is just to tell the girl that she's sooo hot I couldn't control myself and "I'm out of practice" (which is true)... I don't really care.
Anyway... before you call me a manslut: this is what has happened in the last 48 hours. I was drinking w/ a girl/ pretty drunk and hooking up. Getting some serious foreplay action for a little bit when I penetrate her but feels too good so I pull out, chill, and let her finish me after a few minutes orally. About 30 minutes later I'm hard again and she blows me again, and I cum in probably ten minutes (dunno for sure, was pretty drunk). Soo... yeah not too happy that I couldn't last too long in her, but whatever. Then last night, a different girl comes over. First time we've hooked up and there's a lot of dry humping, shirts off, she has huge boobs and I seriously could not stop myself, maybe cuz it was 2am and I was still feelin kinda hungover from the previous night but the dry humping along makes me bust my load. In my pants. She doesn't notice and I'm discrete and kinda end it at that point but still.... really? In my pants?!
So my question is: I absolutely agree that porn is sooooo bad. But is masturbation bad? I feel like I have so much pent up sexual energy... maybe if I masturbated occasionally (not to porn - but to real girls in my mind) I would be less susceptible to premature ejaculation? I still get nocturnal emissions like once a month and tend to get the "hangover" feeling the next day. Thoughts??? Thank for the support and damn it does feel good to be at over 232 days.
So it's been about a year and two months since I first came across this site in August 2010 and decided to give up porn and masturbation. I guess it's safe to say I've rebooted.
Sexual health has greatly improved and I've become a lot more open minded/kinkier. I'm now almost six months deep into what is the longest normal relationship I've ever had. This is the second relationship I've had since rebooting (the first one lasted 3 or 4 months before fizzling out) but before August last year I really only had relationships based on booty calls. I think that's saying something right here: in the past year I've been in a healthy adult relationships for 9 out of the last 12 months; yet none prior to this (I'm 25 years old). Also, for the first time in my life I enjoy performing oral sex on a girl (compared to pre-reboot, never would have happened). Anyway, in the last year, I've probably slept with 12+ girls (I'm a good looking guy lol) and haven't had any problems, other than ejaculating too quickly during a one night stand but in hindsight I could care less, and kinda just laugh about it now.
Still, I've had mental health issues which at times, were pretty severe. Anxiety (which peaked with a panic attack in late August 2011, a couple weeks after stopping) and depression have come and gone - I've actually been taking St. John's Wort to help with the anxiety and depression since March. While I think any psychological problems are too complicated to associate directly with PMO, they are noteworthy since PMO allegedly contributes to dopamine tolerance. A lot of this has to do with grad school, culture shock (living and traveling abroad), and generalized anxiety about my career (I'm transitioning as a student to employment). One major thing I noticed, psychologically, is that my priorities have transitioned. I feel like stopping PMO has accelerated my aging to the point where I'm caught up to where I should be. Before, I always looked really young, facial hair was patchy, occasional pimples. Now... I definitely look older, pubic hair and facial hair feels thicker, more confidence in social situations (especially with adults, who I now see as peers). Problem is, now that my priorities have changed, the values that used to motivate me and define me as a person (exploring the world, helping people, experiencing new cultures etc) is being suppressed. It just makes me feel really lost in my life right now. I'm sure in a few months I'll have things sorted but it's definitely been a rollercoaster. Emotionally, physically, socially, existentially. Dunno if this has to do much with anything but figured I'd mention it.
Bottom line, it's very possible to give up PMO for a healthy sex life. It may bring, or contribute, to other psychological issues to the surface though, especially anxiety and depression. Best of luck everyone!
Taken from eaglesunrise87's blog
BY - eaglesunrise87