Age 24 - I couldn't normally talk with girls, I couldn't even look them in the eyes!
Hello, I'm 24, male, bought the book - was amazed, found the forum - was amazed, I have this need to share everything I know to someone who will understand me.
Porn affected my life pretty significantly and painfully.
I haven't watch porn since two years but my brain is still affected, it's still not normal. Everything is changed.
I know what's the biggest problem? The way I percieve life is affected by porn, my thought patterns regarding women and sex are not the way they are supposed to be, what I feel during sex is not what I'm supposed to feel, and I can surely blame porn for that.
I started with porn when I was 12, stopped it when became 22 years old.
Huh, I had one night that I masturbated 11 times for the period of 7 hours. I also had one day, Ill never forgot, my brain got completely desensitized, I mean, I don't know what happened to me but I couldn't feel a thing, literally, notthing, as if I was emotionless, like a robot, this is the worst a human can experience, just like my brain was frozen and I was staring like a zombie, not a single impulse, not a single sign of life, not a feeling, not an emotion, nothing :( I guess it was a pretty tough state, then I got a girlfriend and my brain was able to fix itself for around 6 months so I could feel at mediocre level.
Anyway, because porn is all I had, with my first girlfriend I was never ever able to experience normal sex, as I remember now porn had a huge rule in this. Let me explain you - when I had sex, I viewed myself like in a porn movie, like it wasn't me, I mean I saw everything, I can see what I'm doing but as if the body parts are not mine, my brain accepted the sex as porn and viewed it the way it viewed porn, it was as if I was looking from a 3rd person perspective, this was most of my sexual life, and the sex itself , it wasn't really so satisfying, it was more like a drug, like I need to do it, because I have this need and I'm nervous, after I take my dosage I'm fine. I lacked intimacy, I couldnt be intimate, when I hugged my girl didn't feel a thing, I wanted to have sex the way they are having it in the porn , I wanted my girl to do the same things. Yes! I guess this is what a porn is doing to a 12 year old brain watching porn 5 times a week for the next 11 years?
Of course we broke with my girlfriend, that's quite understable, because porn affected not only the sex life, porn affected my enire life, my emotions on everyday basis, my everything, my interaction with people, I couldn't even think clearly :(
Some of the porn effects - when was out of my home, I didn't feel any pleasure of life, of everyday life, of normal activies, whenever I saw a girl, I started imagining porn scenes with her and I viewed women only and only as a sexual objects and nothing else, some object that I need to satisfy my sexual needs. I couldn't normally talk with girls, I couldn't even look them in the eyes! My social behaviour was so darn awkawrd like a crazy sociopath raper or something :( I guess I didn't develop many of the functions that a normal social communication requires, I lacked a lot, and no wonder, I spend most of my lfie at home, I didn't have the need to go out, I didn't feel any pleasure, why would I do it? I ever experienced how normal sex should be, I never experined how normal communication between a man and a woman should be, I never experienced intimacy :( How do you teach the brain to do these when your 20 ? you should've learned all of this when you are young, when your brain is softer and more capable of learning those basic things. How do you teach a 70 year old man to create a web page? You don't. So next years I lived in suffering, I started work so I started developing my social skills there and have normal communication with people. I found a new girlfriend.
I'm 24 now, I'm almost fixed, I communicate with people normally, almost feel normal during sexual act, have a lot of intimacy moments, cuddling, tender kissing and I feel pleasure and fire.
Some interesting facts : I still remember the first porn movie that I saw, the image is deeply rooted in my brain. Sometimes when I masturbate a lot of porn movies and images that I saw before just come up, it's a like a huge f****g library !!! And my brain activates again on porn regime, so I just have to force myself to think about my girlfriend or some real life experience that I had, otherwise I'l activated some old neural networks that would really affect me.
Now something that happened before 2 weeks, I can't believe this. You know I didn't watch porn for two years, it was a hard recovery time, even the thought of it made me shiver. So when browsing I accidentally saw a PORN PICTURE, I was just observing my brain, GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
I was like a f****g RAT!!!!!! Got so focused, my brain wanted to REMEMBER THIS PICTURE FOREVER, I absolutely didn't see anything else in the room and didn't think about anything else except this PICTURE. I got so much excited, I could feel the adrenaline, dopamine , serotonin or whatever rushing my brain, a huge dose of it, my heart started beating faster, I closed the picture. I couldn't believe after 2 year, it still has me ??!! It's for a lifetime!!!!! There is no ex addict!!!! Even after 10 years if I watch a movie , everything will be back.
So do you know what happened, the experience of the picture probably turned on the old porn neural networks so 3 days after that I was very nervous, I had flashbacks of this picture, I also started to socially behave the way I did when I watch porn. I felt pain in my brain for those 3 days after that. I wanted PORN! !!!!! So one picture? a 3 day effect? Impressive huh? It's not a MOVIE, it's a STATIC PICTURE!!!!! I didn't even masturbate for it, it was just SEEING IT. 3 days for just SEEING it. I'm sure if I did masturbate on it, it would've taken me at least a week or more to get back to normal.
God, I can't believe how strong is this for me. I guess other addicts are not like that, I guess it's only me who's the super ultra duper sexually sensitive :( 1 pic =3 days of strange behaviour and flashbacks and nervousness and anxiety. Imagine what will happen if I watch a movie and masturbate on it? Hah, at least a month....
Few things I discovered :
The way my brain functions when watching porn is not the same as when I'm having sex.
Problem with porn is on psychological level is that I'm watching two other persons having sex. I read somewhere that my mirror neurons are activated. It's just different. It's not good when you're used to watching other people having sex and getting excited from this.
Fruther more, the sexual pleasure is different, I get over aroused, it's like narcotic, I feel it's not a genuine sex feeling, I can almost feel how different parts of my brain are activated when watching porn and when having sex. I'm sure my brain makes huges different between porn and sex. There are some processes happening in there that make huge difference. After porn I want more of it. After sex I feel satisfied. After porn I feel satisfed for couple of minutes, then a bit nervous then I want more and the feeling of satisfaction is nothing like satisfaction from real sex, it's odd, it's more like an exhaustment than a pleasure and I'm getting hyperactive. When having sex, everything is calm, I have this bliss like feeling, after sex, I feel somehow complete, no anxiety, I don't want more, I just want to hug my girlfriend, I feel a lot of pleasure from this. So when watching porn my brain activates neural network - Other people having sex, you get excited from seeing a male penis penetrating a vagina. You get excited from watching them, you get excited from seening a zoomed detailed of penetration, you get excited from the fluids, from the details that are zoomed. This is what netowrk is created, and this network affects everything in your brain and how you make sex after that.
Real sex builds this neural network - You have a live human being next to you, a body, real body, you get excited from the close breathing, you get excited from the tender touching, you get excited not from zoomed details, you don't have to watch your penis penetrating to get excited, you get excited from the harmony, from the conncetion you are making. In general when having sex a very very different networks are build, including many psychological things.
So which network do you prefer to have? Let me tell you that when I watched porn with my first girlfriend , to get excited, I wanted to focus on her vagina or some details or on her mouth (during bj) or just on SOME DETAILS , I couldn't feel or see anyhting else, I need a porn like experience to reach orgasm. Now in real sex, I don't need these details, I get excited on a different deeper level from a lot other factors, nothing like porn.
Here I have one question - If anybody knows, what chemically happens in the brain and what areas are activated during : masturbation on porn, masturbation without porn and during real Sex, I'll be very grateful, this will be very useful information.
Another question- why does my brain takes porn as a super stimuli? What is the reason for that? It must have some explanation? Why the reason my brain to go crazy when I see two people having sex on a monitor? Why doesn't it happen if I see two people having sex in real life or when I have sex? I don't understand this? I guess that when I have real body in front of me my brain accepts this information in a different way, activating different parts than watching porn. I mean on first look, porn is nothing special right? Why it must have such a profound effect on me? May be the process of seeing other people having sex is influencing in a very negative way? May be your brain knows it's not real in a way? There has to be something, some combination of factors....I mean..why? After I masturbate I don't want more, after I watch porn I want more? Why? After I have sex I don't want more, after I watch porn I want more, why? Usually the real stimuli should be the strongest, the real women, this is the most real? But it seems, I get only pleasure and nothing wrong can go with real life, why does a porn movie is such a stimulus, how does it compare to real life? What is the difference between real sex and porn for the brain, except that porn is not real? There has to be something else? Some factors that make me want more, why would it be a super stimulus? I'm sure that if I see two people having sex in real life, it won't be a super stimulus for me and I wouldn't more want, but with porn is different, I'm even sure if I see porn live, I mean people doing porn and I'm actually there, it won't have such an effect on me than to watch it on a monitor?! Or I'm wrong? I'm confused.
Also, do you think that there is an ex addict or it's for a lifetime, if after 15 years a watch a porn movie, the process will be reinforced, starting slowly and the after 2-3 movies, back to addiction at full power? I really wonder what will happen if a man that had great life starts porn at age 35 ?! What will happen? I guess he won't be so much addicted and the porn is not going to be able to change his brain so much?
Some extras that porn brought to my brain :
Anxiety for around 8 years, OCD on sexual thoughts. OCD about my partner's sexual life and wanting to know what she had done with her partners in huge details every single moment. Imagning my girlfriend with her past boyfriends, having sex, doing stuff (I guess my brain just wants to see two other people having sex, doesn't it? Where did this come from, two other people having sex?) but in real life, it's a killer. Isn't that sick? It is, and I can bet my head on this, If it wasn't porn I wouldn't have these issues! Also, seeing porn scenes everywhere, if a guy talked to my gf, I would imagine how he f***s her and the entire porn scene, if a guy touched my GF, like a normal social touch on the shoulders or a friend's hug, I would get extremely jealous! I would start thinking how he feels sexual pleasure from this touch and how he wants her. I would also be extremely jelaous about my gf's past and that she had sex with other guys. This is caused by HUGE INSECURITIES formed by my porn life. I had so so so many insecurities that I can't even count them. MY self image was absolutelly rotten! This is just some of the extras, I won't list them all and what I had to go through to make some really stable personality.
I wonder how porn affects differents types of people, we all have different brains. If I had to put myself into a category or describe myself, I would say I'm super over ultra sensitive and very very sexual may be that's why porn affected me so much. I have friends who watch porn, but it seems they are not so addicted, they are not changed?! I don't get it, I mean there are people who clearly watch it 4 times a week and are still fine, they have girlfriends, have sex regulary, feel satisfed, absolutely normal? I guess it's because of their brains, they are just different and not so sensitive to such stimuli. Do you have any ideas regarding this? Why some people are able to resist so much porn, why porn doesn't change them, or it does but it's not so noticable and a slow process?
I just really hate the porn industry, they should sue them and close them forever, if me and the guys here are not enough of a proof what is enough?!? They f***g ruined my life. And no, I wasn't responsible for that, how is a 12 year old KID responsible for wanting more sex and pleasure?!?! HOW!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so mad !! :( And I don't know if I'm special or not, or if only my brain was affected in such a disastrous way, but I'm sure, other people should experience similar affects.
That's about it, thanks to whoever managed to read the whole post, any comments,opinion are welcomed and highly appreciated!