Age 25 - 180 days: ED & morphing sexual tastes
So here we are. I thought 90 days nofap was a long time, now on the eve of 180 days I thought I'd take a moment and reflect briefly on my journey thus far and ask a couple of questions.
I was PMO'ing every day for years, I had porn induced ED, looked at increasingly shameful porn, I was addicted. One day I wasn't getting hard to porn and I though this has to stop...So I did.
By day 65 fapping repulsed me, although in the past few weeks aside from getting laid the thought of settling down with some porn and masturbating till I'm dry has really been surfacing. I am just gagging hard for a sexual release and I know I could close this tab right now and get it but I wont. Like with any addict "i'll just have one" ends badly. I go through cycles of regular morning wood. Back to back wet dreams, double wet dreams in one night just a few hours apart. Some days i'm really emotional and could cry and the smallest thing. Emotions were stronger and more varied in the first 2 months now I feel dead inside and all I want soooo bad is to have sex.
If felt loads of benefits including personal pride knowing I'm not hunched over my laptop cracking one out to some hollywood plastic. I have experienced many others benefits that have been described excellently in recent 90 reports.
My job has stopped me doing anything social, my constantly changing shift pattern and long hours leave me unable to commit to any clubs, evening classes, volunteering etc and makes it impossible to network in this new town I've moved to. nofap has made me awesome at work but what I want most a relationship and a social life, has eluded me.
At the beginning I said to myself the next time my junk sees action will be when I lose my V card (I read on one post this is a bad idea). I have come closer than ever to achieving this during nofap than I have in my 25 year existence and I think a reason that I will continue with nofap is that the absence of PMO is forcing me to find what I am really looking for no matter how hard that is at the moment.
Are there any guidelines for nofap beyond 90? Is never masturbating a good thing? Especially where you don't have sex life? Is that healthy, constantly being hard on yourself, abstaining from what is natural? I'm depressed. Should I fap without porn? (which was impossible 180days ago) Am I fixed, I don't think so? Am I wrong to think that finding a girlfriend will end my nofap misery? Maybe I'm addicted to maintaining my no fap streak?
Someone said to me at my 90 days...
Sure, you may feel down right now; you're in the valley. You're looking around and you can't seem to find another mountain to summit that is worthy of your attention. Keep searching for a new challenge, a higher mountain
I feel ashamed that after another 90 days I'm still in that valley
I am back. And unfortunately I don’t bring a tale of triumph, just a cautionary tale of what happens after NoFap.
I did over 190 days of NoFap in 2012. I went through my fair share of ups and downs. I had some terrible spells of being depressed and emotional, but on the upside I walked tall, was proud of my achievements, got turned on by loads of real women and was not reliant on Porn to get me off.
After 190 days I got addicted to maintaining my streak, as opposed to retuning to a healthy masturbation or relationship, porn free regime after my reset. This is the part that I am not proud of. I returned to the occasional MO session and slowly over 6 months I returned to the PMO routine. Once again, addicted to porn and PMO’ing daily.
Then about a year ago I started getting a pain behind my testicle (nothing to do with NoFap I’m sure) I went to the doctors about 4 months ago and he said it all felt fine, but since then my libido has flat lined and have only PMO'd a handful of times since then. I also began my very first relationship and suffered from a number of problems trying to loose my virginity. I believe I have porn induced ED combined with death grip, loss of libido and performance anxiety, which basically makes it impossible to be intimate with a real lady. When making out, I get hard...The moment the pants come off I go soft. This all accumulates to my stress and depression, which gets me down and makes me despair. My desperation also manifests through actions as I was stupid enough to try unprotected sex in a bid to get hard. Didn’t work and now I'm ashamed and must go and get tested. It’s just been a gradual car crash of uncertainty, bad mistakes, missed opportunities and frustration over the past few years. What the exact route cause of my problem is I am not sure and perhaps this is not the only reddit I should be seeking help from. Don’t get me wrong, I was spiralling down well before my original nofap, this has perhaps come to the fore again since I got a girlfriend but I am in a unhealy mental state and unable to perform sexually, things might have been different had we met during my original streak.
I didn’t transition well out of my NoFap streak and now I am back where I started. Older and more desperate to reset myself, get rid of my porn addiction, performance anxiety, death grip, regain my self worth and confidence. I am so fucked up its incredible and I baffle myself as to how I ended up in this mess. So how do I fix this? Well I need to start today. I have reset my badge and I am telling you all this to add some accountability. What do I hope to get out of NoFap this time round? I will break my porn addiction, regain sensitivity, lose my death grip and get back to a healthy desire for women and masturbation porn free (after another 90+ days, however long it takes). I need to get tested for STD's, I need to get the ache in my testicles sorted out, I need to over come my depression, fatigue, self loathing, laziness and complete indifference to everything in my life and complete lack of enthusiasm for anything. I don’t care anymore and I am constantly tired. How I do that I am not sure, I sometimes worry I have an underlying medical condition. But I reckon by going at life hard, exercising, getting up early and grabbing life by the balls and doing exactly what I want and must is a good start. I must talk about my problems and get help, actions speak louder than words and so far I am all talk. But this is a new beginning and I will succeed. For reading this and any comments you might have, I thank you.