Age 25 - Emerging from a long, dark tunnel
I am proud to say that I have completed the journey of the 90 day reboot. Through this journey, the success stories posted here have aided me in my battle against this cursed addiction. Therefore, I feel it is only right that I provide and contribute my experience as well. I hope my story can help those of you struggling to rid yourselves of this addiction and finally sever the chains of PMO.
I was first introduced to pornographic material at the age of 13, I am 25 now. A 12 year addiction which has strengthened over time. Through the course of my addiction, I have developed severe anxiety, paranoia, and fluctuation in moods that can be comparable to bi-polar disorder. As years pass on, I finally came to the conclusion that I had a problem and perhaps it involved PMO. I then googled and googled until I stumbled across YBOP. Hours and hours pass as I read article after article. It was because of this I had decided to make a change, I would reboot myself with 90 days free of PMO and MO. Little had I known, this would be the hardest challenge I would ever face.
As I began my journey, the first few days were torturous. I would have periods of no PMO for a week and fall under the spell of addiction once again. What made the situation worse was the fact that after a week, I would binge. I deceived myself by thinking this was okay. I thought I would only do this once a week and slowly decrease the frequency. Oh how I was wrong, rather than decrease, what became a week of no PMO turned into days, what turned to days turned into hours. I was back full throttle on my addiction. I had no idea how to stop myself. It was like I was submerged in quicksand, the more I fought, the quicker I sank. I felt hopeless and then a realization came. I visualized myself struggling and finally breaking to the will of addiction and doing the deed. I then became disgusted with myself. I became disgusted with the fact that porn was the center of my world. This was the point where I knew I had to conquer this demon.
I had now become willfully committed to no PMO and MO. As the first few days came, the emotions spiked up and down like a rollercoaster. As I reached the 3rd day, I tried distracting myself with movies and anime. As I was watching an anime entitled One Piece, I had come to an extremely emotional point in the series and tears began to flow. I had never cried like this before, my emotions were in disarray. As I reached day 4, I had felt better and my moods elevated and I became like my leo horoscope, I had a sunny disposition. I was chatting with people left and right. People would wonder if it was really me or rather had aliens abducted me and replaced my mind with another entity. However, on day 5, it all came crashing down again. It felt as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. My only outlet to this pain was through writing all my thoughts on a journal.
As the first week passed, my head felt extremely heavy, as if I had been hit with a sledge hammer the prior day. This would stay with me until week 11. I was also plagued with extreme brain fog and fatigue. I had no solution for these issues except to fight on and take naps during the day. There were also time periods where I was plagued with insomnia as well. Ironically, I felt more energy from those days rather than the days where I actually got sleep. As the 2nd week went on, I realized I needed support. I then confided with my mentor and friend, he has provided me with an outlet and support. It was something which helped me tremendously. As I confessed, he gave me a place of security where I could freely express what I was ashamed of. He would become a pillar of support for me.
As the 3rd week arrived, I began to look for activities to distract myself from my addiction. I dove into my passion of photography and writing. I began to travel more and more doing photography which pertained to nature. I also began writing and composing a few novels, a memoir, poetry, and lyrics. I used this as a tool to devoid from temptation when it knocked upon my door. Each time it called, I would dive in further into my hobbies, not allowing it to take control. I also found that temptation came at a more frequent pace when I had nothing to do.
As I now reached the 4th week, I had begun working out more vigorously again. When I used to train in the gym, I felt as if my body has hit a plateau and I was unable to make further gains. To my surprise, as I now trained, my body's shape seemed to change. With each workout, the more I could see results. I had never realized that PMO could affect my body to that degree. This was also the time I had started to notice less hair shedding in the shower. My outlook became increasingly more positive. I had always felt extreme anxiety when faced with an attractive women. My nerves would prevent me from being myself and the anxiety would wire my mouth shut. I was never able to say the things I wanted to. However, as week 4 came, I felt an increase in confidence. I began to notice women more and more. They seemed pleasant to look at and not mere sex objects. My eyes would lock with them as they giggle pass. I was amazed with my new found confidence. However, I was not yet confident enough yet to approach. It was then that I knew I had to fight on and finish the 90 day reboot.
The 5th and 6th week would be a different story. My moods once again plummeted. I had also noticed when I ate poorly, it would make my moods take a turn for the worse. And then on, I ate as healthy as I could. My meals mainly consisted of lean meats, veggies, fruits, brown rice pasta, and bulgur wheat. I would also release all my sorrow through journals and have lengthy chats with my confidant once again.
As I hit the 7th and 8th week, I hit a flat line. I had no desires for women, hobbies, or just people in general. It felt as if I had fallen under the spell of depression. My manhood seemed as if he had fallen under a deep slumber. I just wondered how long it would take for him to awaken, perhaps until the day a princess would come along and give him a kiss.
As I enter the 9th week, my energy levels are beginning to soar, my outlook has become dramatically more positive, and my mind has cleared. Although a bit of mind fog still remains, I feel reinvigorated. In the past, I had always felt like I was a zombie. One who simply moves but was dead inside. It feels as if a new life has been now been born within me. My passions bring me more passion and my life has changed. From the start of this journey, I knew I had an addiction. What I did not know was how this addiction drained my soul and literally sucked the life out of me. And as I stand now, I have reversed the role. I now hold the life of this addiction and now I shall slowly drain it. Never again will I fall under the spell of addiction.
As I enter the 10th week, insomnia and flu like symptoms strike me. I am not sure whether the flu like symptoms were caused by my rebooting or whether I actually had the flu. During the course of my insomnia, it lasted for days and I was finally fed up. I drove myself towards a well known soup in the Chinese community in order to try to resolve the insomnia. This is soup consists of dried red dates and after the consumption of this soup, wa la! I finally had a good nights' rest. I have placed a link to the recipe in the recommendations.
As the 11th week begins, trace amounts of paranoia and anxiety remain. However, the intensity of the paranoia and anxiety have decreased by several folds. I have also developed a better relationship with myself. I now see the abuse I have subjected to my body. I am cutting ties with all the unhealthy relationships within my life, may they be addictions or people. I now respect myself much more. I have also noticed a difference in the manner I now view women. In the past, though they may have been beautiful, imperfections always stood out. I had been conditioned by porn to seek perfection which simply does not exist. I am now able to appreciate women in a new found sense.
Well the day has finally arrived, week 12! The highs and lows still remain. However, the highs outnumber the lows. In an effort to further improve my health, I have gone back to a soup which I had consumed when I was younger, miso soup. Amazingly this soup has aided me in my quest for sleep. I have noticed that when I consume a bowl of miso soup prior to sleeping, I am able to sleep easier and deeper. My emotions still remain a bit scattered and anxiety and paranoia still remain. It has decreased by miles compared to where it was at before the reboot. And even as 12 weeks now come to an end, I realize my fight will not be over. I plan to NEVER PMO again and I am highly committed to it. Through these 12 weeks, I have done MO twice. However, it was only after the first two months of no PMO and MO. I have also picked up meditation and as anxiety and paranoia creeps in, I simply meditate and it soothes and calms me. I have now made it a routine to meditate each morning after I wake up. Brain fog still remains. However, it has decreased at least about 80%. This only shows that everyone has their own rate of recovery. DO NOT FAULTER IF YOU TAKE LONGER THAN OTHERS! Good luck with your endeavours and never give up!
- Visualize yourself in front of a screen doing the deed and being addicted to this.(This disgusted me to the point where I knew I had to quit.)
- Keep a journal and release all emotions on it.(It has helped me keep somewhat of my sanity during my reboot.)
- Confide with a trust worthy individual or you can always receive support anonymously through this site.(They came become your pillar of support as it has done for me.)
- Pick up former or new hobbies.(Whenever temptation knocked, I would throw myself in the world of my hobbies to distract myself.)
- Eat healthy.(When I ate unhealthy, it made my moods worse.)
- For insomnia, drink red date soup and miso soup.(It allowed me to sleep)
http://www.homemade-chinese-soups.com/red-date-soup.html Miso soup can be made easily with miso paste, it can be found in most of your Asian grocery stores. Dissolve the miso paste in hot water and mix in other ingredients as you please, wa la! All done!(My personal recipe is shrio miso, chia seeds, diced scallions, and tofu.)
- Meditate.(Has calmed and soothed me.)
- Clarity of mind
- More positive outlook
- Deeper voice
- Relaxed eyes(My eyes used to always look aggressive)
- Less hair shedding during wash
- More definition in muscle mass from workouts
- Decrease in anxiety
- Decrease in paranoia
- More energy
- Deeper sleep and less insomnia
- New found self respect
- New found respect and attraction for women(No longer viewing them as objects)
- My manhood rising on any occasion without any hardship what so ever and every morning, his name is now Chevrolet cause he's built like a rock!
These are the main changes I have experienced during my 90 day reboot.
Have faith in yourself. Even if we fall, get right back up. If we fall 100 times, it just means we have to get back up 100 times. Never give up. The path is hard, but the rewards are worth it. From day 1, it may seem like we have entered a tunnel immersed by the darkness. The darkness of the chain which has bound us, addiction. However, with every tunnel, there is a light at the end of it. That light comes in 90 days. Do not falter, you have my support! Now lay those demons to rest!
Feel free to leave questions or comments, I will respond as quickly as I can.
Thanks for reading and best wishes!
P.S. - Please remember our bodies are all built differently, what may be the time period for one may be different for another. One may take 60 days to reboot and heal while another takes 180. Do not falter and continue on. A new you is just waiting across the horizon, will you take the challenge?
LINK - Post - Veni Vidi Vici
BY - KatanaRise