Age 26 - ED: This changed my life in so many ways

Printer-friendly version

June 21, 2013

This is tough dude

I started this journey when I was 25 as well and now for 9 months I didn't relapse, even though in the 8th month I had real sex but no relapses, no PMO 100%.

I don't relapse. Actually even if I try to, I can't relapse.

Unfortunately it's hard to explain how this happened... When I found Gary's TED talk I was suicidal and probably already lost everything I had to lose in life, friends, good job, health and women that I really wish I could have met. At that point I had being into several humiliating situations that would be painful to me even to describe.

One I can describe: I was in a celebration with a group of people from the karate class and we're playing this game (even the karate master hated me because of my awkwardness). I messed up in my turn so I had to go to the middle of the group and drink beer. Just it. But I couldn't. I started to shake. At first people started to laugh saying "ha, he's nervous". But then I got worse and worse and then people stopped laughing and realized I was in serious pain and I could no longer move nor drink the beer. I was shaking so much that I started to drop beer on the ground. So, they said I should go and I left.

When I was leaving some girl said: "this pussy should hide himself under the table". Don't know who she was but I do remember the words.

I didn't know what was happening and why I was into such deep lack of self-control.

(I joined Karate to see if I could develop self-control and I thought that maybe fighting other men would make me feel more like a man. And if I felt "more man" inside this would make me capable of having sex. I'd say it was a good use of logic. A failed one of course, but nonetheless a good one.)

Then, one day, I decided to type into Google, while I had several porn tabs opened in my browser: "to fap or not to fap, that is the question"

Funny or not, this search changed my whole life.

When Gary Wilson reads in his TED talk about that dude that said "I felt like I received a second chance in life" then I cried a lot. Because that was the only thing I wanted in life, a second chance.

And after that, somehow my brain associated porn to misery. I can't think about porn. I simply can't. My heart starts to beat faster and faster and my mind blocks it. When I load some website and a sexual banner pops up my brain immediately process that as not fun and got to stay away.

Porn is no longer a source of pleasure to me but rather a huge source of pain, humiliation, ED, not being a man, being a loser. But I didn't try to consciously make this happen. It just happened when I watched Gary's TED talk.

So I don't know how one can stop himself from relapsing but if somehow you can associate porn to misery, then you won't have to struggle. You will simply do what I did, I just don't watch it. I don't have to use porn blockers, to struggle to not watch it, nothing. I actually fear it. I fear it more than anything and I mean it.

Maybe if you keep in mind when you tried to have sex and had ED and how you felt when that happened might help you fighting the desire to drink the poison of porn.

And what I also like to do is following Todd Becker's advice of extreme workouts, cold showers and planning your diet (he does intermittent fasting, I for one made it as healthy as possible while still eating regularly). These just will help you if you make them consciously. If you throw yourself into a cold shower then this does not count. You should decide to do it, and make it very slowly, kinda not running away from the pain.

update: I also am enjoying a lot meditating 10 minutes a day. I hate to meditate (lol) but after 2 weeks I started to feel the difference and I highly recommend it. I was following the site getsomeheadspace, but you can do in your own way. I think it can help a lot actually, even though it's boring as hell lol

And also thinking about the motivation about stopping porn. Today I'm a totally different person considering where I started. I'm not God as many describe as a side effect of stopping porn, but I no longer have a brain harmed by porn abuse.

One day I decided to learn how to drive motorcycles and I did it. Now I'll buy one.

I decided to learn how to throw a barbecue. And I did it. Bought DVDs and books and learned good techniques. I've invited friends that studied with me when I was 8 years old for a barbecue and they came! I became popular at my last job by throwing barbecues and calling everyone.

I decided to learn how to make Mexican food and I did it. Now I'll call some old friends to have a dinner at home.

And finally, I had for the first time in my life amazing sex. Didn't have ED. On the contrary, it was so hard that it was hurting. And I was happy as fuck!

I mean, life is becoming so much cooler now. From a guy that was humiliated in front of an entire group of people to a popular guy throwing barbecues that people want to comeback, it's a huge change. And yes, that happened because I stopped watching porn. My brain is no longer being damaged by hours of super stimuli so interacting with people became possible again.

I hope my post can help you and motivate you dude. You overcome this addiction and you will live a whole new life.

Take care man.

LINK - Re: lost faith

BY - WillWolfrick