Age 29 - Day 60: ED, social anxiety, depression resolved
A little about myself. I'm 29, and I'm on my 60th day of the rebooting process. I discovered it by myself, by a very analytical try and error process (well over 2 years of experiments). Then discovered the site yourbrainonporn a couple of weeks later.
I've been to several psychologists and psychiatrists for the last 8 years. Have been diagnosed with depression (with suicidal tendencies), severe generalized social anxiety disorder, severe memory impairment, and a few others. Have been on several medications such as Effexor, Wellbutrin, Strattera, Concerta, Xanax, Paxil and Edronax.
I dropped twice out of different colleges. I've been fired twice. I've gotten a DUI. I've done tons of weed to try to calm down my social anxiety. I got approached by quite a few women (I guess by my looks/status), but they quickly flew away due to my incredible weirdness. I've never quite understood women sexualwise, and lately it had been getting worse and worse (I moved out a couple of years ago since the relationship with my parents was catastrophic). I didn't even got along with my siblings. Up until this point I had considered suicide more than a couple of times.
I've been a hardcore porn addict since about 14. At this age, the Internet was just starting and I got so fascinated with it that I started my career in networking. Needless to say, I quickly found the best sites to get all my material, and collected quite a few hard drives worth of videos..
These two posts described pretty well exactly the same changes I'm experiencing, so I guess there is no need to make my post much longer (I can say I also relate to 95% of the other blogs on that page):
It has been very difficult, but so far INCREDIBLY worth it. I've since quit all my medications, weed, alcohol (and tobacco is next on my list), my anxiety is nonexistent, my memory/focus is sharp as it has never been, and I feel like a huge chick magnet. My ED is gone too.
I seriously think I had a rebirth, a second chance at life. And I've been told that too haha.
Please do yourselves all a favour and quit fapping to porn for good. Feel free to ask any questions, I would love to be able to help at least a few. This stupid thing has robbed me of 15 years of my precious life.
Well I'm not sure where to start lol..
I had my first sexual encounter when I was 18. She was quite a bit older (maybe 30?), and I could not sustain a proper erection for penetration. I was puzzled as I was very attracted to the girl, she tried sucking and manual stimulation and that only helped partially (erection quickly went away once I started to put the condom on). I thought that I was just nervous cause it was my first time and all.. needless to say I never spoke to her again.
For the next 5 years, I had maybe 5 sexual encounters. In none of them I could achieve a proper erection. When I did get it semi hard, I quickly lost it during intercourse and had premature ejaculation.
When I was about 24, I was traumatized about this and started avoiding women (unconsciously). I quickly gained over 100 pounds during the next 3 years, and started developing social anxiety. I got nervous around people, couldn't look them in the eye, couldn't hold a conversation. At this point I guess I was no longer attracted to real life girls, just the ones in the computer. Whenever I thought of a real life girl sexually, I would get extremely weird, nervous and scare them away.
I was put on the friend zone over and over, and the girls just said I was a 'nice' guy. I did not want to be a nice guy, I wanted to fvck them like I saw in the movies, just couldn't interact with them haha. Kind of like Raj in the Big Bang Theory..
I was VERY frustrated at not being able to have a girlfriend (or even hookup for that matter). At this point I had no idea that porn/masturbation was the problem, so I got very self conscious and my self esteem was zero. With a combination of medications, I was able to get out of the depression and set my mind on trying to figure out what was going on. My first priority at this time was to improve my looks -- I thought that if I dropped weight and looked good my self esteem would improve and I would be able to get a girlfriend.. So I joined a gym and worked very hard for the next 2 years. In this time I dropped 100 pounds, and looked slim and fit. This was about a year ago.
My self esteem got much better and I started to go out. I got dates with the hottest girls. But this is where is started getting weird. My social anxiety around these hot girls got worse and worse. As soon as she 'gave me the look' I would freak out, and so I started getting panic attacks. I also started to stutter, and suffered from terrible memory and brain fog. After 5 or 6 dates with HOT girls, I was extremely embarrassed at them, so once again I stopped dating to analyze what the fvck was going on..
I could not continue to ridiculyze myself this way, so from here on I started 'dating' escorts only. I tried with/without weed, alcohol and coke. None of them helped with my anxiety (coke only made it much worse).
I began having weekly sessions with both my psychiatrist and psychologist, and at one point he gave me a prescription for 10 viagras (50mg). I was scared to try this on a girl, so I tried it first with porn. It did give me a harder erection and lasted longer, much longer. I liked it so much, and was so hooked with porn, that for the next two weeks I PMO'd with Viagra for hours on end.. I started to sense that there was something wrong here, and that I was getting addicted to Viagra, so I got scared and stopped PMO with Viagra.
Since I felt that Viagra gave me an erection that could last for hours, I was now totally convinced (or so I thought) that my ED problem would go away. I hired another escort (she was breathtakingly hot) and brought her home. Four hours earlier, I popped 2 Viagras (just to be sure haha). We had a couple of drinks and I was horny as hell (and anxious and weird, as usual).. I took her back to my room, and as soon as she started to take off my pants, my erection started to disappear. I was completely baffled and freaked out (and so was she). She tried oral/manual and everything in her arsenal to no avail. Why the fvck was it not working, when I had tried Viagra 10 times before with porn and it worked perfectly??? She then started crying and saying that she was not good/hot enough for me bla bla bla.. I was so freaked out by this whole ordeal that I promised myself not to touch my d1ck again until I got a full check by an endocrinologist. My train of thought was that there was probably some hormonal problem going on that had to be addressed.
The following day I scheduled the appointment with the doctor (scheduled 3 weeks from this day). After the first week of not touching it (except for peeing lol) I started to notice a lot of changes. I got wood one morning (first time ever!), I noticed that my relationships with people in general where better, etc.. I got dragged to a club by a couple of friends on Saturday night. We were having some drinks, and then one of them says that a couple of girlfriends of his are coming over.. When they got to our table, I quickly introduced myself, and started talking to the girls!! I was completely shocked!! A couple of hours later, I was making out with one of them in the dance floor (needless to say I had never randomly made out with a chick at a club). I felt an incredible connection with her, and could feel the sexual tension in the air.
The next day, my friend called me and said: Duuuude WTF happened to you yesterday, you rocked!! (or something along those lines).. I was completely shocked as not only my social anxiety went away, but I could feel and attract women like a player!!! Later on this day I started googling and quickly came up with the youbrainonporn website, which pretty much confirmed what I was experiencing...
I had my first successful sexual encounter about a month ago. I met a girl while on vacation (older, maybe 40), had a couple of drinks with her, and invited her to my room the same night.. She agreed, (kept telling myself that she is not usually this easy but that she felt something special about me), and we had FANTASTIC sex. No pills needed, my d1ck worked flawlessly ( although I did cum like a river the first time haha)..
Now I get morning wood almost daily, and my d1ck is super sensitive to real life women. The other day, just by talking to a girl on the phone I got a boner haha.
I feel like I walk with an aura now. Girls stare at me ALL THE TIME. They get things done for me. I can feel their energy just by standing next to them. It is really unbelievable.
As a side note, I did have to disconnect the Internet at my home and my phone. Sometimes it gets incredibly difficult not to PMO (or even MO for that matter), but I am SOOOOO convinced that this works that I will never, EVER do it again. And as I said earlier, please ask anything that you need to know. I am not embarrassed about my story. If anything, I hope it helps people out there, so that they don't have to suffer like I did :)
Bottom line, my erections are fantastic, and I feel they get better each day. And my libido is through the roof, but not only that -- I also feel I emanate sexual energy that the girls can pick up on and immediately get attracted to me :D
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