Age 29 - Increased overall happiness
August 29 - I'm a musician in my late twenties, and I have had a problems with my sex life ever since i can remember. Firstly, I have never had a real girlfriend, so you can also tell that I have not developed a healthy sexuality either. I have been masturbating more or less regularly since the age of thirteen, and while most of the time I didn't do it but maybe 1-3 times a week, there has been times when it was daily and even multiple times a day.
I had my first sexual encounter with a girl when I was around the age of 23, and after that i have had tens of short term sexual relationships ranging from one night stands to couple of months at the time. Especially in the beginning i used to develop a crush on the girls, but after several failures I learnt not to develop feelings and kept it very physical. I found out that it was very difficult for me to climax and usually it was only after a long time that i could orgasm, if at all. After a while I gave up on the orgasms and focused only on the women. As you can imagine, it got quite boring after a while, and the excitement of conquest after another got lower and lower.
Around 2 years ago I started to believe I have a problem with this, and began soul searching as an attempt to find out what is wrong with me. I found it difficult to develop feelings to women, and I began feeling like a lost cause and focused a lot on working and hobbies. I still went on dates, and even had one relationship with a good woman for almost 6 months, but it also dried up as it felt more like a friendship with sex.
Now last year I gave up drinkin almost totally, and began working out regularly and got into meditation & martial arts. Soon enough I began having some kind of visions about myself and new feelings, and I realized that it is probably the porn that is the main problem for me. I tried giving it up months ago but always got back to it after a week or so, as i was really yearning for that portion of dopamines. But at the same time I was going for more softcore porn, as the hard core stuff i had been watching was really disgusting me. Then i remembered the YBOP site and from there I navigated into this site. And I have to tell you, everything on this site is really making sense to me.
I gave up porn about 4 weeks ago, and haven't looked back since. These weeks have been kinda difficult for me still, as the withdrawal effects are massive! So far I have had insomnia, blue balls, aching penis, increased urge to pee and heavy mood swings. Also at times I feel so horny I don't know what to do about it! It's new for me, as previously i have linked that feeling to MOing - now I'm thinking about a real live female. I've managed to get aroused by just thinking about the girl I like! Also, I haven't even wanted to watch any porn, and if i have by accident seen a nude photo i didn't get the urge to MO. My morning woods have come back and they are massive :D Insomuch that it has almost been a problem for me.
I have also just recently met a girl that I seem to like. We haven't had sex or talked about it too much yet, but I seem to just enjoy being close to her, and feeling her energy when i'm holding her or dancing with her. My moodswings and insomnia are causing a bit of a problem though, as they make me sometimes crumpy, impatient and so on. And the time I slept with her in spoon, I had a hard on for the whole damn night - adding to the difficulty to get sleep
I'm hoping that this will get easier and that she doesn't judge me because of these, as for the first time in a long while I would like to go for a real relationship. I feel bad that I didn't manage to cut the porn out of my life earlier, but I'm trying to be happy that I finally did!
The blue ball -effect is horrible, feels like the whole organ is about to explode. Luckily it isn't there every night anymore. Seems like my body is readjusting judging from the increased need o urinate, and i think the consistency of the urine is also a bit different from before. Very intriquing journey to say at least!
Weed smoking + melatonin seems to help with the insomnia, but then again it also raises the libido so I don't know if it a good idea right now. Even though, now when I feel it, I do not project my thoughts to porn anymore, but more to real women that i like.
I find it interesting though, that before when i tried to quit, i had high urge to MO almost every day but now it's like it's disappeared totally? I don't know what happened?
this girl is moving this weekend. After our last meeting few days ago we haven't communicated much and i feel she is taking a distance so i'm giving her space now, even though i have to admit it would like to have some closeness now.
Still i'm kinda enjoying the fact that i'm having feelings - makes me feel alive.
No morning wood , no blue balls or any sexual cravings today.
Moodswings are radical. Yesterday I was feeling very good again after about two days of feeling unconfident and anxious. Flatline continues. Otherwise the same.
Day 28 - A week has passed since my last update with a major flatline. Generally very low mood, feeling quite asexual and even entertaining an idea of becoming a monk (i do practise zen and martial arts, although haven't been to the dojo all summer until yesterday). Loss of motivation for almost anything other than eating, although i've forced myself to start the physical exercises again (jogging, gym & martial arts) which does improve my mood momentarily after workout. Had one or two better days this week but heck this is getting frustrating. Drank maybe one beer and smoked two puffs of weed all week. Basically haven't kept contact with women this week except some random flirting with random women at malls etc. Feeling like this girl i talked about is slipping away from me but i'm not even interested (or even able to in this mood) to do anything about it now.
On the other hand, the insomnia seems to be cured, although i still like to take 5mg of melatonin almost every night before going to sleep.
Day 35 - That relationship is now out of the picture as she decided she does not want a relationship in her current life situation. Of course I felt a bit sad, but accepted it and let her go. Two days After that I went clubbing, got a lot of attention from young women, but none of them REALLY appealed to me. Ended up kissing with one of them tho but decided to leave it to that. Next morning i was feeling very tense 'downstairs' so i decided that too much is too much, and checked some nude stills and ended up MO. It helped and I didn't feel bad or disgusted afterwards.
On the other hand i feel a bit disappointed that i failed in keeping strictly no PMO but my overall feeling is good. The sensitivity had risen and the soft core stills were enough stimulation. Almost like being a teenager again! I'm going to continue without P or PMO again as I noticed it has a positive effect on me. Maybe next time that I meet someone, I will be ready instead of an emotional rollercoaster ride.
I'll drop even the stills for now. I feel like it would be a good idea to limit my facebook usage to minimum as well and spend the time on meditation or something creative. One of my problems lately has been too much work and not enough sleep. I notice that when i'm tired I get depressed more easily and it's more difficult to 'fight' the negative thoughts. I also don't have energy to interact with people so it's a double negative. We will soon have a break from touring which means I will have more free time. I'm planning on using it to sleeping and resting for first few days. I've met another girl recently whom I seem to fancy, but this time i'm taking things slooow. So far we have only talked, cuddled a bit with some light touching. I kinda like it though as my skin is very sensitive!
Day 7- Feeling better. Still very tired and lathergic usually, but i guess it has more to do with not getting enough and regular sleep. Today I decided not to do anything, hanged out with a female friend and my roommates, enjoyed a long jacuzzi session, good foor and couple of beers. At the end I was very relaxed and got horny, so I decided to M without P. Managed to get my first O without P since my teenage years I guess!
I'm still going to keep even the MO w/o P to minimum, but I see this as a progress! As a single man I have to allow myself some pleasure at some time. Altghough I believe it is not far away that I could actually be having more physical relationships with women in the future. Got my first booty call in ages although I couldn't answer it this time 8) So i guess something has changed after 1,5months of rebooting. In any case, i think i have had three orgasm in that time - all of them without much/any visual stimulation. Quite an accomplishment!
Just dropping by to let ya'll know I'm doing fine! I'm now on day 33 on my 2nd attempt on noPMO program and day 22 on my noMO set.
Noticed an long awaited increase in motivation in life & career, usually better mood, healthier sex drive which is no longer directed at P and MO but rather to real women. Although I haven't pursued any relationships or sex in these past 4 weeks at all, and therefore do not have GF or any sex/cuddlebuddies either. I've been directing my sexual energy towards creativity and exercixe - and on both fields I'm thriving!
So everything is ok, I'm just spending more time on yourbrainrebalanced.com which is more about my issues for now. I'll check in here also to let ya'll know of any significant changes. Haven't had any noticeable urges to MO or even watch P since my last relapse and it is good. Feels like my brain is rewiring itself finally!
So, stay strong my brothers and sisters. If you have an addiction, you can beat it by having great discipline and good motivation. The rewards are plenty if you just keep at it. JUST DO IT!
I did relapse again 2 weeks ago after having a girl over and still suffered from DE which lead me to PMO after she left to ease my painful blue balls, but been back on track ever since. I have made myself a weekly schedule that I try to follow adamantly, and also decided a new diet for me. My goal is to leave non-organic food off my diet, including meat, although I do allow myself to eat meat/fish every now and then (though if it's up to me, i will go for organic). I will increase raw vegan ingredients to my regime, and I plan to be eating mostly raw vegan eventually- In winter (now) though I have to add one warm meal to my diet.
I dedicate most of my free time to my hobbies: martial arts and music. If I'm not practising them, I'm probably learning and studying about spirituality and problems/solutions to current world problems hoping to (hopefully sooner than later) be able to actually do something real to help. Maybe by joining some program?
I have noticed a change in my perception - now I'm starting to feel like I can focus on other stuff instead of my own problems. Even though I haven't found myself a good mate (those that I mentioned earlier turned out to be flaky) I don't worry about it. I don't feel alone, nor do I crave for companion at this time. I believe that this nofap has helped me to overcome my perceived loneliness.
It seems like it's pretty much the norm in here to go to sex pretty fast after 'hitting it off' so it would require a paradigm shift and strenght from me. And also belief in that this girl is someone I want to spend more time with. I'm quite picky after all with the company I keep.
I went for 90 days straight of no P, M or O.
Most notable changes that have happened during this time:
- No sexual thoughts or mental images fill my mind anymore
- My view about sex and life have changed
- Less severe mood swings
- Increased overall happiness
- Increased excitement about life
- Increased energy
- Increased spiritual awareness
- I have become vegetarian
- I do not think anymore that a partner is necessary to enjoy life properly
I feel like I want to continue my abstinence for now, as I have been enjoying these benefits greatly. I joined the NoFap2013 challenge, but I've decided to abstain from sex as well unless I find someone that makes me feel it properly! Although, at least for now I'm probably too busy to really meet anyone as I feel like there so much to do, and I feel like I need to make up for the time I have wasted during the PMO days.
FOLLOW UP POST [AT AGE 31]
I've now gotten back my sex life, and had another successfull coitus (100% success rate this year).
I still feel like all that cuddling, touching etc is actually nicer than the actual intercourse. Just feels great to have a woman admiring your body and being all over you :-)
Feels like I have conquered this dragon. Even though I have been reintroduced into a sexlife, I have managed to control my sexdrive. There has not been any noticeable chaser effects after my O's, and there's no interested in self-MO at all. On the other hand (lol) my sex drive itself is rather low and I don't have much interest in the female counterpart. Instead of chasing the P, I have been focusing a lot on self-improvement. I've been working fervently on my martial arts (even attempting 4. kyu at ju jutsu this weekend) and music on my limited spare time, and there's not many days in a month when I'm not either at the dojo, gym or studio. I have no interest in getting drunk or partying late, as I rather go to sleep early to wake up more refreshed!
I feel like the female isn't as "frightening" as it was before, and I don't feel like I need a drink to be able to function with them. Seems like on some days I'm very attractive to the women in general, but there are still days when it's the opposite. Very rarely do I feel depressed, anxious or lonely anymore.
So, to summarize - I feel like this reboot program was a great jump start to conquering the mind. After conquering the dragon of porn addiction, other addictions seem much easier to tackle. I believe the aim is to conquer the mind and the five senses, ie. crucifying the senses so that they won't be leading me astray, but they would be under the control of the mind working FOR me and not against me anymore. Being addicted to porn links many senses - the touch, the sight, the hearing and also the mind. Controlling the sense of taste means to keep a proper diet and not eat harmful stuff etc. Sure there are more levels to this, like integrity and charitability, but this is a good place to climb up.
LINK - Re: Quest continues!
EARLIER COMMENT FROM SAME THREAD
I started a new journal last autumn since I hadn't gotten rid of the original problem which was the DE, and I did go back to PMOing occasionally for almost a year before last october I decided to let it go permanently. Since then, I haven't had any urges watch P or MO, and I don't seem to connect horniness with touching my penis anymore. Seems like a good place to be!
Well, on new years eve I had my tantric partner with me (with whom I hadn't had sex yet at that point) and on the first day of this year our tantric practises went to the point in which we had to decide whether we would like to go 'all the way'. Well, eventually we did. And it was a success from the beginning until the end. I didn't have any ED problems, and I managed to get my first "unforced" orgasm ever - after only about 15minutes of penetrational sex!
So, I got my first natural orgasm ever even though that was not the plan. Surprisingly, it wasn't strong, especially when compared to some of the most intense PMOs I had years ago, but still a progress. It gave me tons of esteem, since now I know I can do it if necessary, and I could probably even reproduce if I ever wanted that.
Even though this is just a beginning of a new pathway, I still consider it a success! This programme works, people!
I'm still working those two dead-end jobs, but earning a nice buck. Been investing in my hobbies and some clothes and even managed to save up some. I finished the album I was working on, and it should be released next month, kinda cool! Lots and lots of ideas poppin' into my head, so I feel like I have unlocked my creativity finally! I'm already thinking about producing another one lol and shooting some music videos on my trusty super8 film camera.