Age 30 - ED, DE, HOCD: One year report
I will start off by saying im very pleased to write this. I now have one year porn-free, one year without masturbating to orgasm and I'm finally capable of having sex. At 30 years old. I used to be a hardcore porn junkie. I loved porn. It became my #1 passion in life. We´re talking four-five times a day on average for many many years. I would spend hours searching for porn, downloading and stashing it in my collection. Terabytes. All kinds of porn.
I was a masturbation junkie too. It started in my early teens - I cant remember the age, but I'm guessing 12. I would masturbate A LOT, probably several times a day way before porn. All i needed was fantasizing, which stayed with me up until this day. I also got a rush by masturbating in dangerous places where I could get caught. No doubt i was addicted to it for about 16-18 years. It was similar to what you read about heroin junkies. Always searching for that perfect feeling, the perfect hit. I was always trying to reach the perfect orgasm.
ED, DE, HOCD and so much shame, I slowly but surely retired myself from social life and just isolated myself from the world. I hated everything.
Of course the porn use escalated over the years as computers got better and internet connections got better etc etc. Eventually I quit doing sports, I quit going to school, and quit working.
I had a couple of girlfriends and several one night stand encounters. I must have had close to 20 girls naked or close to naked in my bed during my twenties. I penetrated a few of them when I on a rare occasion got a erection, but it never lasted long enough and I never managed to cum with any of them.
I had porn sessions everyday. I pretty much perfected the art. I started smoking weed around 21-22 and somewhere along the way I noticed how much better it was to mix getting high first then jerk off to porn. Eventually I had to roll up a joint while searching for porn, perfecting the playlist (making sure I had all categories covered in case something didn't give me enough novelty to get off) and smoke it while I jerked. Yes, your thinking is correct sir, its terrible for your health. Black belt deathgrip, frantic speed and whatever it took to reach climax. Several times a day. It became brutal.
Down the years my heart would start telling me this is bad for me, pounding fast and hard and missing beats. My lungs would make strange noises and my body was aching. Wrists, hands and ankles, for tensing up so much. I had the health of a 70 year old. And my poor penis, was pretty much hurting every day. When it got really bad at times i didn't even feel anything when i reached climax. Just a couple of watery drops of semen and numbness. Still, I kept going. Two days rest tops.
Fuck knows why it became that bad. I got no excuses. Looking back it don't make sense at all. But I'm writing this to show you that even the worst cases can be healed.
How i got there/advice
I´ve been debating back and forth about what kind of advice i want to give out here because I'm a real hard case, I'm the top 1% that just completely lost it with this addiction, and it just might have made it all easier for me to quit. If your life is decent and you just pmo 3-4 times a week then maybe you don't sense that same motivation for change that I did. Maybe you don't feel the same level of desperation that i did. Maybe the consequences don't make up for the commitment needed.
I also never had a relapse.
Still, I'm gonna drop my thoughts and what worked for me and then you decide if its for you. There are many ways to Rome and all.
I'm not one for nurturing and softness. I take the strict gym teacher approach. If I can give up porn, then you should be able to as well. I had no job, no degree, no religion, no kids, no girlfriend, no nothing. It might have made me really REALLY realize i had to change, but you should be able to find that motivation in yourself regardless. And especially if you have stuff going for you. You already there! Eliminate porn from your life and thing will be even better.
You have to make the commitment. No halfway shit. This is forever, there is no choice. There is no going back. Don't tell me you cant do it. There are many success stories. If you cant do it, then i think at some level you´re not ready to quit porn. Its up to you to find out how to get there.
If your reason is ED, then it should be easy. When you find yourself on the verge of relapsing, remember your ED. And remember it good. That is my ultimate motivation. I'm NEVER going back to ED. Therefore never going back to porn. EASY. Fuck ED.
There are no excuses. No amount of blue balls. I don't care if you don't have a sexual outlet. No excuses. Again, it worked for me. Feel free to choose a different route.
Its not that I don't miss porn. Of course I want to watch it again. Just think about all the scenes that came out in the last year that I haven't watched! I LOVE porn. A lot of people hate porn. This man, he loves it. But this man also knows, there is no going back. Its a simple choice. Go back to porn aka as back to ED OR stay "clean" and maintain the ability to function sexually.
I don't want to get into the MO debate. I just know that I needed to stay away from it, because I couldn't control it earlier in life. I went 10 months without any orgasms. And I don't think I've had any negative effects from it.
And I have to add joining this community made all the difference in the world. No way I could have done it without the journal, without all the useful topics around here and most of all, for me at least, the opportunity for competition. This will not at all work for all people, but I'm somewhat competitive and was determined not to let other guys beat me. This can backfire so I wont recommend it, but for me it helped out.
The rewards. And some observations/advice.
My penis works. Although not completely healed by any means. The way I've been doing it, it might never completely heal. But it sure beats the alternative. I still use viagra/cialis, and sometimes I still fail. I think its mostly the old anxiety. It's still easy to get stuck inside my own head and let expectations and comparisons get into the way instead of blanking out and enjoying the woman in front of you.
If I lose my erection i will not freak out like I used to. I will take it one step back to some kind of foreplay again because 'm confident I can get my erection back up again. Why wouldnt I? It was just up. It will come back. This trick has helped me several times recently.
Practice makes perfect. No sex has yet trumped the wildest pmo orgasms I had over the years. But its getting there. Slowly getting better. And more natural. Btw, sex not being as good IS NOT a valid reason to go back to pmo. Rewiring takes time. Patience. Practice. Commitment.
I have not found this year to fix anything but my ability to have sex. I still have anxieties, I still have problems, shortcomings etc. This is not a magical cure for your issues. However, I now do other stuff. I workout 5-6 times a week. I do basketball, boxing and lift weights. Bball I played in my teens. The last two I´ve always been scared of my entire life but now im doing them. So at the very least I now have filled my life with better hobbies. And I have faced some of my fears.
My physique is also a lot better. Naturally.
Although I believe you can rewire completely by casual sex encounters, I think the best way to do it is to either get a girlfriend or a fuck buddy. Especially if you are a somewhat anxious person.
EDIT: I forgot to thank people. Really, i want you to know you helped me out along the way. Im pretty damn sure i wouldnt have made it without you. Seriously. Gary Wilson, The Underdog, Darkwolf, Hello penis my old friend, Crazygopher, GameOver, E aka Connoisseur of lotions, Primetime, Visage, Sepultur60, Neuroplastic, General Jack D Ripper, BarneyBarn, Metal (even though you´re a dick sometimes lol), CharlesBurrows, Foxhunter AND WHOEVER ELSE I FORGOT that wrote in my journal, that created insightful topics on this forum or just was a good man motivating others around here.
We all in this together. One mans journey is not the same as the next man but we all travel together.
On some peace-loving-hippie-shit, I'm finally signing out!
Stay strong folks.
LINK - ONE YEAR, NO PORN NO MO