Age 30s - Extreme porn, anti-social - Everything changed

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waveDAY 90!! Happy Independence Day! No PMO, no relapse for at least 90 days. Don't know what day this is being free of it, quit counting. Here is my success story. Honestly guys, the support on this forum has been unbelievable! Basically a group of strangers have given me positive reinforcement for the hardest habit I've had to kick. I'm free of this in large part (95%) because of others. I wanted to leave some things that may help, as I found they helped me:

  • reading books and applying it (Will power instinct, The brain that changes itself)
  • using this forum ANYTIME I felt the slightest urge to look at porn
  • changing the channel if something sexy is on (BTW, don't really need to do this now)
  • doing other things with my time
  • getting rid of my twitter account, email subscriptions for sexy stuff
  • staying off craigslist or aff

I can't promise I'll log on frequently as PMO is so far outta my head I truly don't think about it anymore. I think about using chopsticks to eat my regular meals as often as I think about PMO'ing.

But guys, this is well worth it. You'll get on the other side and kinda look at PMO as an activity that just doesn't interest you. Plus all of the benefits in the brain and your behavior. I truly send good mojo your way

Before the reboot

I used to beat off to rape scenes. By rape scenes, I don’t mean the female is acting like she doesn’t want the sex and somehow a camera is recording it. I mean scenes in which the female actress realizes she got herself into a situation she can’t politely excuse herself from. There are a few directors/producers who mostly use new female actresses, or amateurs from the neighborhood, and push them until it’s no longer a good experience for them. In some of these scenes, the female even says no, but the guy, if there’s just one guy, presses on. I admit that there is still a piece of me that probably would cause an immediate reaction if I watched this again. I think this is what they called sensitization? I’m hoping this doesn’t stay with me, as I’m sure it affected the way I view sex with women in some way. But after rebooting, I don’t want to see it and I don’t crave it.

I used to whack it to transsexual and sometimes homosexual scenes. This was over time, just looking for the next thing to shock me. The tranny porn I eventually got into, and masturbated to the ones that looked very close to real females. Some of the powers of surgery are crazy. And right after finishing, I’d have to turn it off.

Then I got into pure gay scenes. I had the idea at the time that I could watch even more porn if I trained myself to like it! Little did I know how right I was. I really shocked myself watching this.

The transsexual porn and gay porn I don’t even like, unlike the rape scenes. I recently read in a book that dopamine boosts even higher when there’s an element of surprise, unpredicted stuff like slot machines work well because of this. So I would spend all my time looking for more and more shocking things that I wouldn’t predict would even exist, and my porn viewing took some wild turns.

I used to masturbate to old people porn (where the guy was 60 and the girl was 18 – 20 or so), obese girl porn, and piss porn. They all came later in the addiction. The obese porn actually grosses me out more than any other category I watched, but that made the reaction stronger! It tied into my real life sex addiction as I began viewing obese girls as desperate easy sources for sexual release. I dehumanized them into pure objects for my pleasure. Not a good trait.

I used to watch hours and hours, marathon sessions. I created several compilation videos of just the scenes and acts I liked best so I can cut out the time opening new files. If I wanted to see certain positions or certain acts, I would open one of my video files.

I would only continue dating girls that allowed me to consistently escalate the sex so it matched what I was watching in porn. Girls who didn’t or would never do anal weren’t even on my radar. I quickly lost interest in girls who didn’t seem like sluts.

I cant emphasize enough how depraved I was. Socially, I never wanted to go out. Never. I went out to hang with friends, but I still wished I could hang out with them at home. After going out, I always ended up having fun anyway, but I never wanted to initiate going out.

I thought I hated people. I was very anti-social. I was always afraid of having people over because they might wanna use my laptop or may accidentally look somewhere and see a porn DVD or something. For more details on how messed up I was, please refer to my journal.  http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=481.0 [Initial post reproduced below]

After the reboot

One of the first things I noticed is that I started to see women differently. It was weird. I started to become attracted to parts of their personality. Like learning someone played the violin, or a girl likes to run marathons, or she has strong opinions about issues/poverty/etc. [Before that was a secondary to 1) how hot the sex would be, 2) how many sexual things I can get her to try.]

My voice did become deeper, but also my social confidence sky rocketed. At work and play, I cared less about what others thought while at the same time portraying myself in a better way. I became more aware of the power and influence of social cues/behavior that everyone else seemed to get way before me. I am able to talk to anyone or any girl at the bar. I’m not saying I can get the number of the hottest female in the place, but I’m not afraid to talk to her. (I also know that the hottest female in the place is hardly anyone I’d want to talk to anyway. )

I met an extremely great gal after rebooting. I say this is due to being more socially aware, being more socially adept, being more in touch with my masculinity/animal libido/whatever. And maybe it’s also due to the fact that I was open to finding someone who wasn’t necessarily a slut, or wasn’t someone who wouldn’t mind my addiction.

The energy I devoted to beating off, or making porn compilations, or having porn marathons, or surfing for hours has now turned into exercising, bettering my career, and bettering who I am as a man. Successfully overcoming the PMO addiction has given me a boost in life to improve in other areas. Quitting is hands-down, easily the best thing I’ve ever done to better myself that was also the most difficult.

I don’t masturbate anymore. I thought I would miss it, and I used to think guys who didn’t were just weird or religious nutballs. Maybe I’m weird, but sex feels better and my erections are stronger. I can last as long/short as I want, and I even enjoy sex With a condom. I don’t have to make every session a rough banging choking smacking fuck session.

I don’t miss getting high from sex, or from porn. I actually don’t get high from much anymore (well maybe a great burger or sugary sweet desserts). I don’t mind trading in risky and/or negative behavior and emotions for an even-keel level of happiness.

To sum it all up, I’m happier, better with people, more in touch with who I am, and constantly getting better. Oh, and I have a nice libido, magnetism and rock hard erections :D

[Initial post] Do you feel you might have an addiction to pornography?

No, porn addicts are all losers.  They're usually 40+, have no jobs, no wife or girlfriend, are very unattractive, and therefore need porn to fulfill what we can get naturally.  I am kinda attractive, have a great job and have had sex with a few dozen females, so I can't be an addict.

Do you view porn? How often?

Yeah, I watch porn.  Of course I watch porn.  Every guy I know watches porn, so it's normal.  And anything that is normal means it is good.  I probably watch around 5 days a week.

Do you view pictures as well?

Oh!  I thought you just meant videos, pictures are everyday.  On my phone I have twitter and I follow tweets that post pics of chicks and their various bodyparts multiple times a day.  That's not an addiction though.

How much porn do you have on your computer?

I have a $6 membership to a mega site and a $10 membership to another great site.  From those sites alone I probably have half a terabyte.   I'm not gonna quit because that's just great value!  Counting every other site I've joined and downloaded within days?  And the torrents?  I'd say I have maybe 3 terabytes, I don't know, I haven't watched it all.  See? If I was an addict I would watch it all.

Do you find it difficult to delete/get rid of some of this porn?

Why would I want to do that?  If I downloaded it, it means I either like it or haven't seen it yet.  Either way, that means I'm probably keeping it.  I keep an eye out for sales at Best Buy so I can buy more storage for my porn.

Have you ever set aside hours of time for your porn activities?

Dude! Of course! But that's fuuun!  Fun! Usually on Saturday I set aside a few hours, maybe 2, to watch all my favorite parts and edit videos to make my own compilations of my favorite parts.  Hmm, it actually turns into 4 - 5 hours sometimes .  .  .

Have you ever made adjustments to your life or routine to accommodate your porn?

Yes.

Have you ever viewed porn at work?

Yes.  When I'm sure no one is looking over my shoulder and maybe have a little bit of time I like to play videos on my phone.

Have your porn interests become more extreme?

Duh.  But what's wrong with that? They're all adults, and it looks mostly consensual.  Well, I'm pretty sure most of it is consensual.  And transexuals sometimes look like very attractive women.  And homosexuality is not abnormal. Body fluids are natural, so how is that extreme? And obese women are so gross it's hot to watch them being used for sex.  And I'm sure the actresses knew what they were getting themselves into even when it seems like they're genuinely not enjoying the extreme acts being perpetuated on them.

How do you feel about the gradual increase in extreme interests?

I shouldn't feel ashamed because sex is natural, and porn viewing is healthy.  But I have to turn it off immediately after the deed is done.  Like, immediately.  I know I just beat off to what is basically a man with boobs, or a woman who has a food addiction making her 300 - 400 lbs of rolls, but once I'm done I realize I'm just looking at a man with boobs or a woman with 300 - 400 lbs of rolls.

I don't watch extreme stuff all of the time, so I'm not an addict.  Most of the time it's just anal, or dp, or gang banging or rough sex.  You know, just ordinary stuff  . . .

How do normal everyday real life women compare to --

Stop right there, average chicks are boooring. Boring.  They don't want to have sex all of the time, they usually don't even want to do ordinary gangbangs unless you talk them into it using all of the manipulation you can muster.  They're not that sexy.  That's why I only date crazy desperate (and sometimes fat) women who have nothing else in their lives. 

Have you ever experienced erectile dysfunction?

Yeah, I'm embarassed about it. But I have experienced some form of ED since I was in my 20s.  Unless she is my girlfriend, if she's someone new, I have to take viagra I purchased off the internet, get drunk, or fantasize about porn I've watched to get and/or stay hard.

Can you imagine living a life without porn?

What? Of course not. Listen, cavemen had no porn but they also didn't have penicillin.  You're basically telling me I should try living without life saving advances of society!

You've compared viewing porn to saving lives.

Hmm, maybe I should look into this addiction thing .  .  .

How much have you spent on porn?

Hmm .  .  .  I usually buy a membership to a site every 3 months for around $30, so that's about $120 a year.  Plus the two great sites, so that's like . . . $312.  Plus the additional storage purchases, let's say it averages out to $50 a year. So about $400 a year . . . to beat off . . . which is a free activity. . . while I already have an extraordinary amount that I haven't even seen! What a f**king waste of money.

Okay, I may be an addict.  I just can't say it yet .  .  .

LINK to JOURNAL

by kd