Age 32 - I'm totally certain that masturbating to porn was keeping me depressed and unmotivated

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coastlineI've gone 91 days now without masturbation or porn, so I'll try to write a little now about my experience. My counter is at 91, but I had sex on day 38, and I felt like I was "using" the girl I had sex with the same way I had used porn. I felt that it set me back. So now I plan to go to 128 days, which will mean 90 days of "hard mode." I definitely intend to go beyond that, but as far as the complete celibacy thing goes, I'm not sure.

I'm totally certain that masturbating to porn was keeping me depressed and unmotivated. I used to think I masturbated to satisfy my "high sex drive," but now I think I was actually just using it as an escape. I would masturbate instead of facing the challenges in my life. I think my attitude toward these "challenges" has really changed since I've stopped masturbating. Before, I had a negative attitude and would tend to try to avoid facing things. While it's still only been a few months, and I haven't made any major life changes yet, I feel more capable of dealing with life. I'm not nearly as pessimistic as I was before.

The first week or two, I had to be watchful because I had certain unconscious habits surrounding masturbating and viewing porn. It had become an almost nightly ritual for me to bring my laptop over to my bed, after having brushed my teeth and gotten ready for sleep, and browse free porn videos. When I stopped masturbating, I noticed that there was suddenly time opened up that I wasn't sure what to do with. I think I'm still kind of "addicted" in the same way to the internet, facebook, etc., as well as to drinking beer. Even sometimes to this subreddit, now that I don't look at porn or masturbate. I kind of use them to occupy myself when I would otherwise have to find something to do.

I think that masturbating to porn was more harmful, though, because it wastes your sexual energy in a way that those other activities don't, and it really fucks with your attitudes, regardless of whether or not you "know it's fake" or whatever. I never liked the forceful, aggressive, violent sex scenes that are so commonplace today--the ones that always start with a ridiculous blowjob that is obviously not pleasurable to anyone involved, and always end with ejaculation on the girl's face, with plenty of slapping and berating throughout--but I watched them sometimes to "get off," and it's impossible to be unaffected by these things.

Even if the porn were more "normal," it's just plain fucked up to watch a representation on a screen of others having sex and masturbate to it. It's not how we were meant to live. If we can truly see this for what it really is, I think we won't want to do it anymore.

Anyway, I rambled a bit. Basically, I'm still extremely motivated to not fap to porn. There is some truth behind the idea of "rebooting." It's clear to me that things had changed in my brain, and time is needed for them to return to normal. Stopping porn and masturbation completely is what has allowed this to happen.

There's so much involved here. For one, masturbating to videos in general was training my brain to operate in an unnatural way, and making it harder for me to live a normal, healthy life (see yourbrainonporn). Also, mainstream porn is really fucked up, and that was having a horrible influence on my attitudes toward other people (see "Date My Porn Star" and "Porn On The Brain" from Channel 4).

ALSO, I think that masturbating at all drastically affects your energy levels (see ancient eastern religions and philosophies). It totally drains you of the energy that you ought to be utilizing to live life. Whether your ambition is to achieve success in a particular field, to find a mate, to evolve spiritually, or a combination thereof, or something else, you NEED this energy. Masturbating wastes it. It leaves you lifeless and unmotivated.

Hope something came through in this disorganized post. Good luck, and see you guys in 37 days!

Checking in

 

by decrystallized 91 days