Age 32 - Locked up all computers, got life back
Background I am a 32-year old guy. More than 3 months ago, I started no-PMO journey aiming for a new life by the motivation of YBOP.com. I followed articles and science behind PMO for several months. In the middle of December (16th, 2012), I finally started my counter of no-PMO life.
Nothing more to say about the negative side of PMO, I lost my girlfriend, social life and inner happiness due to many years of PMO. I have mentioned details about my past in my journal and link is http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5083.0 (below, also)
Difficulties in Journey:
- I locked my laptop, iphone, ipad in my locker and threw the key. It is the most effective strategy for me. I did not have any scope to watch pornography at my home. I finished all of my work at office and left nothing for home-work. When i leave office, i feel free bird. I don’t need to do office-work at my home. I can do just relax. By this way, i could sleep earlier than my usual routine and woke up early with fresh mind.
- However, i have opportunity to stay in my office room alone and for watching porn. And i am lucky that i could manage the urge to watch porn at office. Whenever i had urge, i remembered this forum and my day’s counter.
- First weekend of my journey was the most critical time for me. I was about to watching porn. (i brought office laptop at my home). But i did not watch porn.
- At 10th day, i got a book named “No more Mr. Nice Guy” (NMMNG) by Robert Grover. It is an eye-opener book and helped me to be here.
- After 15th day, I started NMMNG journey, parallel with no-PMO.
- At 16th day, this is the unbearable night. I could not sleep whole night. Probably my brain wanted porn or some hot-chicks. I could pass that night with huge depression.
- At 18th day (4th January, 2013), i could not stop watching erotic movie and masturbation. I watched several movies that have sex scene (can be considered soft porn). I reset my counter to zero and decided to reach 90th day without PMO. [For explanation here, i will count the day from 16th December 2012 as my zero day]
- My brain was jammed and foggy even after 1 month of the journey. I could not concentrate on work. I was disturbed by whole situation. I was thinking whether i should watch porn again for the sake of my office work.
- I got a rejection letter of my project. It is difficult time to stay calm. Fortunately, i didn’t watch porn, rather i went for dinner with several guys.
- After 60th days, i got huge pain in my penis. It was severe. Probably that is called blue balls. However i recovered after few days of pain automatically.
Benefit I observed my self
- I understood that we can control our thinking. I used this learning in every pace of my life. I controlled my facebook time or digital entertainment. Rather i focus on real entertain with my friends. I hang-out with my friends, went dinner, drinking. I got more friends and got back my social life.
- I started going to gymnasium at 25th day of journey. I got good shape of my body. I got many positive comments about my shape from girls. I have courage to do many manly stuff at this moment.
- I started learning Japanese language several months before the no-PMO journey. I think my no-PMO journey helped me to get highest score in the exam of language.
- I learn to value my-self after reading NMMNG book. I started to do thing that i like. I started to put my-self first.
- I planned to do out-door activities and invited my friends to join me. We went for hiking, traveling together. I am sure no-PMO life encourages me to arrange events.
- I read several books during this journey. Such as Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy, Cupid’s poisoned arrow, the way of the superior man and so on. All this book suggested, not to waste sperm. I have learned to convert sperm from wastage to body building.
- I did masturbation 3 times in 108 days. I have better control on masturbation. Rather wet dream can release my extra sex power without disturbing my mood.
- The most important benefit is that i got my life back. I feel sad if there is something to be sad. I feel happy with some good thing. I can smile with my success and share joy with others.
- I got back the attraction to the young girls. I enjoy their company without thinking them on my bed. Rather thinking them as my good companion. I can touch girl’s hand without any hesitation. I can do adult jokes with girls with keeping marginal distance. I can appreciate girl’s beauty without hurting anybody.
- I am worried about my future. It is a huge boast. I rid of thinking suicide or no-marriage thinking. I can enjoy every moment of my life.
- I feel more family bonding. I enjoy chatting with my nephew and can plan for them. I become more family friendly person.
- I got recovery from hidden shame of my ex-girlfriend. I expect to get some one some day.
- The preliminary motivation of my no-PMO life was saving time. I am successful to save more time for me.
UPDATE AT ONE YEAR
16 December, 2012 was my birth-day of my new-life. I started No-PMO (Porn, Masturbation, Orgasm) on 16 December after several failure attempts. First I have to give one bad news that I watched porn on 13 December, 2013. I did even masturbation. Now friends, you can say what the hell I did in last one year? Does it mean that I failed to recover from PMO? Does it mean porn-addiction is not recoverable?
Now I am going to report the one year Journey. For the Background (http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5083.0) and my previous success story (http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=8294.0) click the links.
Based on the forum, I can say porn addiction is a soft but damaging disease. It harms me slowly and secretly. Since, I watched porn nearly 15 years, I supposed to have Erectile dysfunction (ED). As I was not aware about ED or such disease or its syndrome [still not probably], I could not figure out my problem during sex with my girlfriend. I could not penetrate perfectly. She told me that probably we do not know how to have sex. I was blaming her for it. Along side, I tried hard to penetrate, but could not keep for long time. I feel that sex with my girlfriend was disaster.
Porn was digging a hole for me without notification. I enjoyed to jump into the hole everyday two or three times a day. Sometime I spent my vacations (say 3 or 4 days) watching porn everyday. Even I watched porn in my office, while my female colleague was working in next table. Due to several reasons, my girlfriend and I become separated. In the modern societies, separation means I can take another girlfriend. But even after 4/5 years of separation, I did not get another girl friend. The reasons are that I could not overcome the inner shame about girlfriend, low self-esteem, low confidence, avoid people gathering, avoid party invitation, locking myself inside the room (in general), negative attitude about life, etc ….
Now come to the present time (2013). I believe we should focus on recovery not abstaining (copied from one forum member). I did away from porn more than 100 days. It was a great journey. I reported about 100 days in the success story that was also published in YBOP.com. Then I relapsed. I watch porn again for several days (not weeks). Then I started again abstaining porn for another 100 days. The second century was easier. Rather than abstaining I can say it was my life style changing. Porn did not attract me much. I reduce masturbation at that time.
I go to gym regularly 2 or 3 times per week.This positive approach gives me new body shape. When I went to buy suit last week, I found that ready made suit does not fit me due to my bigger chest. I felt happy while the seller was telling me that you have a great shoulder. I think my hormone was converting to muscle. Anyway, I did not masturbate for more than last one month (no wet dream) and less workout in gym in last one month. Probably, my body stored huge amount of hormonal power (I am not sure scientific explanation) that kept me away from sleep. I could not sleep whole night on 12 December. After that I could not sleep on 13 December until late night. Then i decided to masturbate to make my body tired. Then I watched porn for 3 minutes and did quick masturbation for the sake of sleep. Believe me, I fall on sleep within 10 minutes. But following day (14 Dec), I did not feel lethargic. Today (15 Dec) I got morning wood also. That was the background story of watching porn last time. I donot think I fail to recovery myself even after one year. Porn addiction is past for me. It is no more my anxiety remover or source of entertainment. In general, I am not sure whether my ED problem is solved or not. I don’t care. I care that I got my emotion back. I
I had tendency not to marry and even suicidal tendency. I have reported the positive change after quitting porn in my previous success story. In one sentence, I got my life back after stopping porn. I am planning to marry in Feb, 2014 (hopefully). It is a miracle. I am looking forward to my life. I have already chosen a girl for me. After choosing, I feel so good. It is magic. Real girl. No fantasy about sex. I have just feelings for the girl.
His Journal - Journey to life
HIS FIRST ENTRY
After coming back from Jogging, I want to share my feelings with you. Last night I have decided to stop pmo. Though I did pmo yesterday morning. But today is different, I feel from my bottom of heart that I can reach my goal. I can bring my life to track again.
It was started 1997, when I was 16 years old boy. We rent a adult movie cd and watched with all of my friend. Still I feel my innocence of mine. I could not eat anything after watching it. I felt guilty. After that two years, I watched porn intermittently. Since I was busy with my college studies. Then I moved to university, where I have got privacy for the first time and access to dvd and personal computer. I watched then amazing adult movies with other friends. However, I was always one of the first-bench students. I finished my university life with middle-level result
I was lucky to get a job just after my graduation. I started working hard. We, three people share the room. I have got fast internet for the first time. On line stream (i.e. youtube.com) become possible. I started to return to my home later than my colleagues. After usual office hour, I can get my office room as my private room. That was the beginning of my wrong step. I started doing porning after office hour.
After few weeks, my mind always occupied with when my colleagues would leave the room. The result was that my performance was going done. However, I changed my job after that. In my new office, I have personal room and faster internet. Now you can imagine the result....
After working 3 years, I returned to my study where I have private room, enough time and faster internet... and more porn and more M.
cost, have paid?
I paid huge cost due to stupid decisions. Here are some:
- I lost my girlfriend. I started dating during my last year of my university life. It was running smoothly. Everything was nice except, I was losing interest about her. Finally I lost her and she married another person.
- I dont have real achievement after my graduation. I think there is inverse relationship between achievement and porn. The more porn, the less achievement.
- I have lost my social network (I dont mean facebook or others) recently. I have few friends to hang with.
However, I was stone like, since my entertainment cannot be stolen. My fun was only in porning. WTF.
Steps to regain life?
I have takes several steps to stop this PMO recently. But all fail. I am not repeating that other people said in this forum and YBOP.com. But I have all same experience. I understand the my brain has been changed already abruptly. Even, k9 software does not work for me. Since I know the password.
I dont want to make long list of all failure attempts.
This time is different
This step is different from other time. Followings are the different
- I declare this journey publicly through the forum. So probably many well-wishing friend will follow me to know whether I am successful or not.
- I informed my thinking to one of my best friends. I should not break my words to my best friend
- Last night I put my laptop, iphone, ipod in a box and locked it. It is not the last. I through the key in a pond. So iwill not be able to turn on pc in my dark room.
- I work after my colleagues left. And I put my pc such as visible to others. So no secret operation.
I will not keep update every day. Since this porn-dragon will come back after 1week or 2 week. I provide update in sunday. In the meantime, I like get your support, suggestions and motivation.
Thank you all. Hope for best
16-12-2012 (day 1)