Age 32 - Married, German
I'm from Germany. I am 32 and what you would probably call a very good looking guy. I'm married to a beautiful woman and I work in the central department of a world famous company. Before that I had finished high school with a A+ degree (called 1,0 Abitur in Germany) and then I graduated with excellent grades (Master of Business Administration). Why do I tell you all that? Well, because you might not think that such a person has suffered for more than 20 years from an addiction, PORN addiction. I didn't know either, until I found this website. This was 33 days ago.
Since then I'm in the rebooting process and have noticed a lot of AMAZING changes in my life! I will describe them to you, but first some words about my past: I remember my first contact to soft porn when I was about 10 or 11. At that time my parents were arguing a lot and my mother often talked about divorce and that she would go back to France, that we would sell the house in Germany, etc. I remember always trying to reconcile the disputes... I had to be very strong all the time as I had two younger sisters who didn't understand what was going on. I felt like I had to shelter them and try to keep up harmony within the family (as far as it was possible). I often thought we were the ONLY family in the world with all these troubles. As I said, I was very young at that time and I didn't know better.
Today I'm sure that this situation and all the bad feelings concerning my parents were the starting points for my porn addiction. Sounds strange, but I searched something that would heal the pain, that would offer me some comfort for the missing harmony between my parents at home.
Lucky me, I belong to the generation that had no Internet access during puberty. So I started with soft porn magazines, watched soft porn on TV, etc. Nevertheless, during puberty I was always anxious and had a lot of complexes. I thought it was natural in this period. Also thought it was normal to masturbate regularly because "everyone" does at that age. I think the bad thing was that my brain started to develop those described pathways, something like "if you want to get comfort, just masturbate and you will feel better."
It was like a vicious circle: The more I masturbated to (soft) porn, the more I experienced social anxiety. The strange thing is that I was very good at school, but on the other hand I had very few friends and social contacts. When I turned 18, I went to the video store and started with hardcore videos. It was still a hurdle to get these videos compared to now. Internet porn started when I was about 20 years old, when I bought my first PC. This was directly after high school. With a 56k modem I watched hundreds of photos, but it was still not that bad compared to the following age of highspeed internet porn. The first time I had sex with a girl was at the age of 19 and I suffered from ED, not knowing that it came from porn consumption, thought it was because I was too nervous etc. (which I certainly was of course).
During my studies I got free highspeed internet access. That was when it all got worse. I remember isolating myself from the rest of the world. My relationship also ended because I was always in a bad mood and very cruel to my girlfriend at that time. I watched nights and days, thousands of videos, pics, etc. forgetting time. Instead of going out to parties with my fellow students I preferred to stay in my room, binging in front of my PC.
Nevertheless I had some kind of luck to meet my wonderful wife during my studies. She had a LOT of patience with me (for which I'm so thankful today). At that time I already knew that there was something wrong with me, and I even thought that it might have to do with all that porn binging - but never researched about it seriously.
Nevertheless, I finished my studies with good marks, got a good job and married my wife. But there were still some things in my mind that told me something like "you are at only 40% of your potential." I always felt this social anxiety, didn't have a lot of friends, and hated to be among a lot of people. On the weekend I just wanted to stay at home, was always exhausted from all the work, and anxious about the future (even little "hurdles" in life / job would scare me a lot). I had lots of mood swings and also hated to be with my or her family. I had no energy and no motivation, no positive outlook concerning the future - and all this without an objective reason!!
I since found out that the PORN was the reason for all that. I have to admit that without the help of my wife and her patience (sure other women would already have left me) it would all have gone worse. She never noticed that I continued binging and although she was / is one of the sexiest woman alive, I still needed porn. Sometimes I felt really ashamed, other times I felt simply NOTHING.
That was what she noticed, and reproached me for - that I often seemed to feel absolutely nothing, no love, no pain, no empathy, simply NOTHING. On other days I got really angry and argued with her about nothing.
I didn't suffer from ED any longer after the years passed, but I remember suffering from it at the beginning of our relationship. But I noticed that I always searched and wanted to try something more "stimulating" in our sex life. She actually didn't like it, but in the end she did it "for me." She often said something like "You are so different sometimes, like two personalities." And she often said things like, "You are so far away from me at the moment."
On the 7th of December 2011 I found the YBOP website (don't remember exactly what I was searching for, but someone had posted the link in another forum). And I started to read the information. Started to watch the videos. And suddenly I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING! It was like an "illumination" for me. I started the same day with the rebooting process. I'm at day 33 now.
I didn't notice very strong withdrawal symptoms, though they were there during the first 2 weeks. I also have to say that my "porn-free cycles" were longer in the last few years, maybe that reduced my withdrawal symptoms.
But the POSITIVE things I've noticed during this reboot period are simply AMAZING!!! I was always kind of an "intelligent" guy, but what I notice now is SO MUCH more focus, much more positive energy (I never feel tired at work and after very hard workouts), I'm so happy in a way.
And there is this HUGE confidence. I can't believe it. And (what might not please my wife) I noticed some kind of sexual "MOJO" around me: All girls look at me, at home, outside, they give me "signals." I can really feel and see it. It's so funny. :)
Also people are much more positive with me (men and women) and I don' t fear them anymore. Au contraire, I'm searching for social contact! (I think "mojo" is the famous positive "chemistry" between people).
Now that I realize how worth it this change is, at the moment I don't miss porn AT ALL! As someone said in this forum, I also feel like I was constantly driving in the 3rd gear of a Ferrari and now discover the 4th, 5th and even 6th gear in my life! My wife also noticed my transformation and really likes it. My skin tone is better, my eyes seem to "shine", etc.
I notice that "little" things in life start to please me, things I wouldn't have noticed in the past: music, nature, social contact, exercises, books, philosophy, creativity, etc. It's like I'm getting my RECEPTORS back, slowly but constantly. My receptors for the REAL life out there!
I'm so curious to know where this journey will take me. And what will come and be possible in my future! I wish that every guy here suffering from porn addiction would feel these positive changes. For me, everything is so clear now.
Still no PMO, no sex with my wife and no sexual fantasies (I use the "RED X" technique which works very well). Yesterday I felt so much energetic at the gym after work, it was simply amazing. At work I still feel this magical confidence and much higher productivity. Before the reboot I always hated meetings, now I'm really looking for "human contact." What I also notice is that difficult tasks would frighten me in the past, now I stay calm and don't feel anxious at all. I also have a much more positive outlook, and don't see everything pessimistically (at work and in my private life), instead I'm really curious to know what will happen the next day, next week and the rest of my wonderful life :D. I missed that positive feeling for the last 20 years, thought it was normal to see all those negative things, because I was a "realistic" person.. now I notice that I was just BLIND!!!
I speak much clearer, come to the point much quicker, talk very fluently (find the proper words very fast), even in foreign languages like French or English (remember I'm German). I really notice that my colleagues and people I meet at work or in private are so much more positive with me, it seems they could smell the anxiety in the past, now they smell the CONFIDENCE and my optimism.
Hope this "super magical feeling" will always remain.. of course I know that there will surely be some "downs" in the future, but what I experienced so far will always remember me how it CAN be!! And it's so worth it!!!
Still no PMO, no sex with my wife, no fantasizing.
- Much more focus, concentration and productivity at work
- Much more positive attitude towards the next days, the future in general
- No fear about obstacles at work or in private. Like it to "get things done"
- Overwhelming confidence, love to look people in the eyes!
- Speak much more fluently, in my native and foreign languages
- Don't get easily aggressive any more, very calm and relaxed even during difficult stress situations
- Love hugging my wife, love to "treat her like a woman". Notice her real beauty!
I don't care about negative vibes around me. When someone is negative towards me I simply don't care (compared to the past when it really bothered me). Can even turn it into something positive.. it's really "magic." Maybe this is due the fact that I'm really "proud", that I love myself and feel that amazing manliness. The confidence at work is still amazing (had a difficult phone call in English today, no problem at all, spoke clearly and very confidently). Productivity is still very good. (I try to use every minute for something useful, at home and at work).
Went to the gym this evening, some very hot girls smiled at me (hope my wife doesn't read this), can feel the "sex in the air" (as Rihanna would say, and actually I feel very SEXY (compared to the past when I knew I was a good looking guy but at the same time always felt this "shame" and guilt.. very unsexy).
What really helps when the mood goes down (yes it still happens sometimes is good (euphoric) music (seems to reactivate the positive state of mind, try to use an ipod everywhere you go), go out with friends, meet people, go to the gym, smile at people and feel the response.
I'm so sure to never watch porn again for the rest of my life. Because now I know what this actually is: LIFE!
Strange thing happened during last week: felt like I somehow lost my "supernatural powers", my "Mojo" described in my last blog entries. Was tired and even a little depressed like I used to be when I was addicted. Nevertheless I was still more productive at work than in the past. In private I noticed less motivation to go out and meet people for about 4 days..maybe I experienced my first flatline. I remember someone writing in this forum that he also felt this "downphase" between day 40 and 50 (after the "high phase" between day 20 and 40).
BUT I didn't give up and didn't think of porn. Tried to work out as usual, went out for the week-end, spent a lot of time with my wife and tried to think positive..tried to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
To be honest I was afraid that this wonderful feeling of being ALIVE was gone...yesterday I went to bed very early...and then today "IT" CAME BACK!!! I woke up and I instantly knew my MOJO IS BACK :) Full of energy, full of optimism, full of confidence! Was so thankful and also proud of myself that I didn't give up believing it would come back. And what I now know is: IT DOES COME BACK! That's what I've learned.. for the rest of this wonderful LIVE journey!
Had a flu during the weekend.. however I felt quite strong and somehow the illness passed much quicker than in the past. Today at work I felt stable, relaxed and at the same time very productive. My mind was very clear.
During the last weeks I also noticed that it seems much easier for me to PRIORITIZE. In the past I sometimes had strange "neurotic behaviors" concerning a lot of things (e.g. at work I focused on unimportant tasks / details, in private I focused on unimportant time-consuming things like researching for the best PC monitor ever, etc.)
Still have this confidence towards other people, men and women (strong but natural eye contact). And yes I forgot: I have no more dandruff on my hair, anyone else noticed this??? It's really strange but I don't feel any urges to watch porn or to masturbate. In fact I don't really care about sex, porn or my libido. I just try to FEEL the life out there, the people around me... and to RECEIVE all those positive vibes is just so fulfilling.
Yesterday I read about caffeine addiction and the withdrawal symptoms. Realized that my caffeine addiction during the last years was quite strong (I drank about 2-3 liters of coke zero per (working) day and also took guarana tablets.) I always noticed the withdrawal symptoms only on the weekend (strong headache, fatigue, sometimes (esp. in the past) depression and lethargy.) There are some interesting articles about it on the net. Decided yesterday to cut off this "additional" addiction and now I'm going through the withdrawal (had a VERY strong headache today, but I know the reason for that what makes it easier to handle) It will take about 9 days to go through it (that's what the studies say). Indeed, caffeine is one of the most underestimated drugs out there...
As regards my porn addiction everything is still under control, I feel stable, good and relaxed. Don't miss porn at all. My wife still supports me and we are both very interested in the karezza technique. We will try that as soon as I pass at least 90 days. In the meanwhile we cuddle a lot and both appreciate our warm connection.
After two days of very strong headache due to abstaining from caffeine I feel much better today. Have the feeling that my reboot helps me a lot to understand and notice every kind of addiction in my life. My objective is to be completely free of ANY addiction! I eat much healthier, exercise a lot, go out to breath fresh air and try to learn as much as possible about the human body and mind. The positive feelings are coming back!! :)
Feeling VERY balanced (especially after I've quit caffeine last week. The caffeine withdrawal was short but very tough). Can't really describe it, it's like my mind is a "clear lake" now(sorry for the German translation). Very clear thinking, calm but focused. Compared to the last weeks I feel this balance and focus during the entire day (even on Mondays). Before I noticed more "ups and downs", more "waves in the lake". Still very productive at work. One thing worries me a little bit: I don't want to loose this wonderful balance in my life, but I know that I will have sex again after the 90 days. I fear it could trigger the urges.. I really hope the karezza technique will work, I'm reading a lot about it and will "teach" my wife about it as soon as possible. To be honest, at the moment I simply DON'T WANT to think about sex, porn and everything related to it (and it's very easy for me to not think about it). Currently I just can't imagine having an orgasm would be worth it. Instead I just want to keep this wonderful feeling of FREEDOM forever :)
Feeling very balanced, not euphoric like I used to be after 3-4 weeks (think that was due to a high testosterone level), but calm and relaxed. I deal MUCH better with stress at work. Feeling "easy like Sunday morning" during the whole week (at work and at home) and that's GREAT. Still have no urge to watch porn, or to masturbate. However, I ask myself if it could be "unhealthy" not to masturbate at all for more than 90+ days. Is there a risk in terms of semen quality loss? Are there any other risks? After the 90 days I will have sex again with my wife but will try to avoid semen loss (maybe it would be better to reduce the semen loss to once in a month?)
Still no PMO (no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm, no sex with my wife, no fantasizing)
- Less oily skin / much better complexion
- Much less bags under my eyes - they seem to "shine" very healthy
- Body in almost perfect shape (due to a lot of exercising and healthy food)
- Hair seems to be thicker, dandruff is gone
- No acne on my back anymore
I start to understand what the old Yogis meant about "the power of life energy" you get from abstinence. This power is so present, can feel it everywhere in me. Women and men around me seem to "smell" this power and strength, which makes them react very positive towards me (esp. women seem to smell your life energy by nature, really amazing). Feeling much more balanced than some weeks ago, as I already mentioned this seems to be the biggest benefit from all the improvements during the last 80 days THE BALANCE in you! I'm so curious to know how all this will turn out to be in spring and summer time
Still no PMO (No porn, no masturbation, no orgasm, no sex with my wife, no fantasizing). I feel balanced and still don't miss porn AT ALL! If someone had told me I would stay 90 days without orgasm, porn, masturbation I would have laughed at him. But now I feel great, it's like... IT SHOULD BE! What I really notice is this amazing energy, can't remember when I felt exhausted the last weeks :) - as I usually was all the time before the reboot. What I also notice is that I don't count the days any more like during the first 70 days. My situation is just fine and I don't care about porn any more, it really seems so stupid and disgusting, something I never thought about porn before the reboot. One thing bothers me though: I read about Brahmacharya where the loss of semen is seen as loss of life energy. Preservation of semen is seen as a way to obtain "supernatural" powers for the long term. Very interesting but remember I have a wife. She is still very patient and supports me in my reboot but of course she wants to have sex again with me.
Very proud of myself [for making it to my goal] :) My wife and I had a sex but without orgasm (she had one, I didn't because I think it's to early to "lose sperm" and all the benefits I have from abstaining). I want to practice sex without orgasm, except when we want to get a little baby :) I think semen is something like "life energy" you shouldn't waste. 100 days ago I didn't think about all that.. there is some "transformation of mind" going on. I can really feel it.
No PMO, just some soft sex with my wife without orgasm. Life is so much richer and more interesting, really don't want to lose this new life.