Age 33 - (ED) porn addict for 17 years: 88-day report

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baloons over FranceI've been reading a lot of 'summary' style posts on here recently and thought I would share mine. This is in my journal but for those who don't follow my progress I thought I would share it here.

It was written on day 88 of my reboot and compares how I feel now to I felt on the same subject when I was at the peak of my PMO addiction. It's by no means a success story (there's a long way to go yet), nor is it a rule of thumb, it's just a document of my thoughts and feelings. It's broken down into subjects for ease of reading.

So let's start with the main one...

PORN - I used to fucking love it. If asked what I thought of porn I'd happily say ''I fucking love it''. I developed a taste for gangbangs, group sex, MILFs, big tits, interracial and shemales* and these would always be the genres I searched and downloaded and eventually MOd to, never questioning what I was doing and always happy to go back for more. Now it's a different story. I have no desire to look at it. I know what it has done to my brain, my thoughts, my sex drive and my penis and the same question now would be met with a reply of ''porn can really fuck you up''.

*SHEMALES - Yep, that old chestnut! I used to look at it almost as much if not more than hetero porn. It was a natural progression for me as a porn addict and it was just something new and exciting to look at other than the usual hetero genres. I loved it, really loved it. It used to get me going more than anything, the whole taboo of it and the fantasy of the unknown got my dopamine working overtime. I even got to the point of wanting to go see local shemale escorts to act out the crazy fantasies I'd thought up while PMOing to it. Shit man, what was I thinking?! It's a guy with girl's hair, make-up and a boob job! There is still some curiosity in my mind about the whole subject but I don't think it will ever reach the levels it did during PMO and if I remain PMO free these feelings should eventually pass. I thought up some pretty extreme shit while PMOing to shemale porn, I don't want to add any more fuel to that fire.

MASTURBATION - It was just something to do while looking at porn, the natural way to release all the built up sexual tension created while browsing thousands of porn images and videos. I got to the point where I could only masturbate to visual porn, even fantasy didn't get me going enough to masturbate. I went down the route of cutting out PMO but occasionally MOing to release all the thoughts that had built up in my mind without PMO. It seems to have worked and I've got MO down to once a week, even to the point of not having to think about anything, like it was when I was in my early teens. I am now to a point where I feel as if I don't need to MO and am going to cut it right down, maybe to once a month, maybe even not at all.

GIRLS IN 'THE WILD' - At the end of the day we are mammals. We were put on the earth to reproduce and every woman we see is potentially a partner to reproduce with. Whether it be in the high street, the local pub, the dentist waiting room or the supermarket checkout, you will come into contact with members of the opposite sex and the natural urge is to think about sex and reproduction. Or at least it is if you are not PMOing. When I was PMOing, the girls that I saw in the wild were not seen as what they could do for me sexually and reproductively, but how they could be portrayed in porn or porn fantasy for my own masturbation pleasure. If I saw an attractive older woman all I could think about was if she would be up for doing MILF porn, if I saw a really hot girl who was wearing too much make-up and trying a bit too hard to be sexy I'd imagine her as a shemale with a cock and if I saw an attractive blonde who came across all prim and proper I'd be thinking what she'd look like in the middle of a dirty gangbang with 10 black men. Never would I actually think what sex would be like between me and her, it was all about me fantasising about them in porn scenarios. By cutting out PMO this has all vanished. I now look at girls in the wild and think about what it would be like to go out on a date with them or have one on one sex, just me and her, no fucked up shit, just normal sex between two human beings.

EX GIRLFRIENDS - While PMOing I thought about ex girlfriends very little. It was more the one night stands that I'd had that featured in my thoughts as these were the closest thing to porn in my mind. Meting a girl, having sex, then not seeing her again was the ideal scenario. That way I could get back to PMOing with no hassle. Now I think of ex-girlfriends with a feeling of guilt. The fact that I was PMOing all the time we were together makes me feel really angry that I wasn't putting all my sexual effort and energy into the relationship with them, instead I was splitting it between her and porn. It makes me really angry!

CURRENT GIRLFRIEND - While PMOing she was just a girlfriend, like all the rest were, sex now and again and plenty of PMO in between. Then PIED struck and my battle with quitting PMO started. It made the relationship difficult. Feelings of distance, wanting to walk away, wanting to have sex with other girls and wanting to start using porn again all fuck your head up. You ask yourself a million and one questions and still have no answers. I'm starting to get back on top of the relationship now. Christmas has come at a good time. We have spent lots of time together and have another week off to spend together. I'm still full of doubt but that's probably just my brain needing more time to heal. I need to start seeing my girlfriend as my new addiction and put all my energy and effort into her.

SEX - I could take it or leave it really while PMOing. I had plenty of sex but never as much as I could or should have had with girlfriends. I didn't know at the time how much porn was fucking me up. I just thought I was tired, I was actually sexually exhausted and it was all my own doing. Wasting energy and effort on PMO instead of actual sex with real girlfriends. I have not had sex with my girlfriend now for about 7 months. We have tried foreplay but still yet to achieve penetrative sex. This week could be the week to start trying again. If I don't start trying the fear and anxiety in me will build and build and I'll just end up with an irrational fear of sex. I need to train my brain to sex again.

MONOGAMY - What!!!!! You want me to just have sex with one girl at any one time? Hell no! I'm a supercharged sex machine high on a drug called porn and my need to have sex is greater than any man who walks the planet. I've seen so much hardcore porn my dick is on overload and ready to go with anyone. 3 or 4 women on the go at once for varied sex, see a shemale escort once a month for something a bit different, a one night stand every couple of weeks.......... What a load of fucking bollocks. That's what you keep telling yourself, that you're this supreme being with a wealth of sexual experience because ''you watch it on porn films''. In reality you're burning yourself out masturbating to pixels on a screen every fucking day of your life. You don't ever do any of the things you say or think because you're happy to just fantasise about them and MO to the nearest thing you can find on the internet. Stick with your wife, your girlfriend, your partner and get your act together. Sex with one person is enough if you haven't got porn poisoning your brain.

LIFE IN GENERAL - While PMOing I always had that ''I can do that later'' attitude. It made me really lazy, sluggish and lethargic. I'd rather waste 4 hours PMOing than do a task that would probably only take me 2 hours to complete. The more I put it off, the less I wanted to do it and the more I would PMO. Now I work harder to get things done and actually achieve things. I enjoy my work more, I make better use of my free time and my weekends are spent actually enjoying life. I look back at how much time I've wasted PMOing and it makes my fucking blood boil! All that wasted time that could have been put to better use.

Trust me guys, you need to get porn out of your life. It affects everything, not just what happens in the bedroom. I'm not saying it's the only factor but it's a fucking big one and without it you can start to focus on what you can really achieve from life.

by TREBOR

Link to my journal


I'm just a few days ahead of you, man. How's your PIED?

My girlfriend managed to M me to O a couple of weeks ago. I was hard all the time and I didn't have to think about anything else. I just let her do her thing. The big test will be when it comes to penetration. I'm hoping to give sex a go this week. I need to get over the psychological barrier of it not going to plan and tell myself that to heal myself I need to be having sex with my girlfriend.