Age 35 - 90 days: my drug counselor said "You're addicted to internet porn aren't you."

Printer-friendly version

Integrity compass

Last Halloween I attended a dance and the girls were in their outfits. I was with a friend of mine. As we stood awkwardly on the edge of the dance floor watching ladies dance, I leaned to my friend and asked, "What if a girl walked over and offered to blow you behind the speaker?"

He said, "Oh I'd be nervous."

"Yeah so would I." I hated my answer. I didn't know the next day would change my life forever.

November 1st my weekly drug test. At this point I was about 20 months clean and sober after spending 5 months in a treatment center so I knew a tiny bit about addiction recovery. The man who tests me has been sober over 30 years and we chat for half hour about my recovery. I told him my Halloween story.

He looked me in the eyes and said, "You're addicted to internet porn aren't you."

"No. No. Not really. Well ahh.. oh my god yes. Yes. I totally am. I look at porn every night and have so for decades."

You know how in the movies when a character has a revelation the camera zooms in on his face while the background pulls out? I had that moment in that office. He told me how my natural urges and desires for women were being satisfied by internet women. Why look for a girlfriend when I have a million on my computer? He told me I had to quit looking at Internet porn. I agreed. And No masturbating either.

"Whoa and no masturbating either? I don't know about that? For how long?"

"If you can quit booze and drugs you can do this. And it goes until you have sex with a real woman."

He was right. I had to do this and after going a few days, saw how hard this was going to be. Breaking up my hand and penis was like breaking up Romeo and Juliet. They were attached for years and were not taking the separation lightly. I would turn away for a second and there they were edging. To fap or not to fap. They'd rather die from poison then be apart. I was going to need help.

Around day five I came across the world of NoFap and watched YourBrainOnPorn. I found the help I needed. I read articles and became familiar with some of the terms and techniques and most importantly read forum posts daily . I couldn't believe I was not fapping. I was getting out more and staying busy.

Around day 25 I really had difficulty. Back in my drug days I would call up escorts. I was so horny I decided they counted as 'real sex'. Late at night I called one and got a price. I hung up the phone and my hands were shaking. Calling escorts caused some of my friends in recovery to relapse on drugs. What a battle this was. I read some NoFap stories and went to bed.

I saw the drug-test doctor again and told him about calling an escort. He gave me a 12 step sex addiction recovery work book. I changed all the questions from sex addiction to internet porn addiction. One of the questions read, 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years if you continue with your internet porn addiction.' This question hit me hard. I felt like Scrooge and the Ghosts of Fapping past had visited to show me my future and I saw myself sitting there alone in my room, door locked, unmarried, single, no children, depressed, slumped in a chair jerking off to disturbing porn. It was enough to get through another night of not fapping.

I started checking out girls in public. A lot. Scanning their bodies. It just didn't feel right. I told my sponsor about it. He told me I basically replaced internet women with women in public. I was objectifying them. In order for real growth to happen, I had to stop oogling women in public. Oh man that wasn't easy.

Neither was being constantly triggered by a few dating sites like Plentyoffish and apps like Tinder. I just wanted a girl to deposit in so bad. Around day 55 I made a decision. No dating sites. No dating apps. No fapping. No Internet porn. No edging. No oogling women in public. No booze. No drugs. Everything that I ever used for escape was gone. Just me and my feelings I had to sit with. Good.

I can say after day 60 the real positive changes started. I noticed that every time I had thoughts about women, I was able to quickly push them aside. It was like developing Jedi mind trick power. A nice calming feeling started to overcome me. And here today on day 90, it just continues to get better. Even just typing that I made it 90 days makes me feel so proud. I treat a fapping relapse as serious as a drug relapse. Maybe for some people its okay to look at porn and masturbate. I have a problem with it. So for me it's not okay.

This has gotten easier as it goes but I still remain careful and do what got me here. I could go on and on about what I went through in this journey. I'm very grateful to this community. I haven't had sex or been on a date... yet. I'm way less stressed about that and know it's going to happen.

I don't know much about the science of fapping or how you should work your recovery or anything in life really, but I do know one thing. I'm not going to fap tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll fap 20 times to make up for all this. But tomorrow hasn't come yet. Just tonight, I'm not going to fap that's it, that's all I know. And 90 days later...

LINK - 90 days!! And the Halloween dance that changed my life.

by Optimuswave

Comments

Thanks for posting this! It's very encouraging and I'm impressed that you were able to stop cold turkey. Keep up the good work! The "where do you see yourself 5 years from now" is a good thought experiment. I hope things continue to go well for you.