Age 35 - ED, got the habit of facing whatever I fear the most

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Age: 35 now, stcouple in bedarted rebooting when 34 and 1/2; single at that time and boner pill dependent.

  1. Time exposed to porn (high speed Internet or harsher) = 15 years ca
  2. Time since reboot started= First attempt with 2012 October NoFap, failed; joined YBR November 1 2012
  3. Any flatline symptoms= mostly during the daytime, especially the first 3 weeks and never more than 2-3 days in a row, as far I can remember 
  4. Successes so far= morning wood, lower voice pitch, feeling taller, better focus, stamina, better self-control in difficult social interaction, in the last month consistent and confident sex 
  5. Number of relapses= P= 0  M= 10-12  O= 7-8 (extra Ms were edging) 
  6. Current libido % compared to pre porn days= can't quantify but surely it's much more in control and linked to real life, not P images in my mind unless I am the protagonist

Tools

Meditation (look up online anapanasati)

Binaureal beats: they helped me sleeping during the initial sleep deprivation phase of the reboot

Books: Jim Allen, "You are not your brain" (Schwartz, Gladding), "The Flow" (Csikszentmihalyi)

Sport: crossfit in particular, but whatever works. I recommend consistency and determination.

Journaling: I tried to be regular in journaling my journey. Finding my pace and most importantly being authentic. I always took journaling like my way to send relevant messages to my future self. I must be honest, authentic, straightforward. And positive. I forced myself to write down 1 to 3 positive things at any post. I  had to keep record of what's good to remind myself that there is something pleasant in my life and to train myself to notice it.


Attitude that helped

Sleep deprivation was not the only evident withdrawal syndrome I got at the beginning. Food and/or alcohol binge were too. I forced myself to have no booze in my apartment or junk nutrition. I breathed a lot, "surfed the crave", at the beginning. Mixed results. I became comfortable with meditation: from 2-15 minutes everyday made me feel a difference. That allowed me to get comfy in growing new habit and actually I know enjoy create new healthy routine in my daily life.

Boredom is part of the deal. Boredom is your frontal cortex forcing the brain to build up more and newer D2 receptors. Boredom introduces you to learn to enjoy life in a new way. Something has worked if there is a dull phase. If I was bored during the day I believed that I have finally detached from some more unhealthy habit: instead of rolling back to that habit, I pushed myself into a new one or something I wanted to do for a long time. It was harsh only the first time. I guess it worked to ask myself "In 5 days, 1 month or 1 year, when I will recall this moment, what do I want to say?" .

But the best tool I found was socializing. I moved my feet and went out. Accepted that invitation from that person I actually did not find interesting. Invited out for drink or snack that person I was too lazy to get to know better. Put myself in compromising and uncomfortable situations. Time flies when I do that. Again your cortex gets involved in a way you can't imagine and get thick and proactive. This is the way I created the conditions that escalated and made me get a girl.


Attitude towards relapses

A relapse was only as big as I made it afterward. I accepted relapses and noticed that during them there was always a moment of rationality. I broke down my relapses in parameters and reduced/removed one or two at time.

That is, when I MOed I counted the times I edged, the overall duration of the session, the type of thoughts I was involved. If and when I MOed again, I reduced/remove at least one of the parameters: I MOed in half the time, allowed only a type of thoughts, no edging and so on. That allowed me to put back my willpower into a relapse and gain the control I wanted, not the one I submitted to. I am sure this created the momentum in the right direction and I became aware that MOing, among others, is just a choice.


Current Status

I am seeing someone now. She's gorgeous. More creative and independent than me. We fuck wild. I used the boner pill at the beginning and now only in special cases, when drunk. Fellas, although the first time I went natural with her it ended up well, I want to spend some words on the fear and concern of doing it dope-free. That fear, that angst was the same I had when starting the rebooting. Same ol' same. You don't know if you'll make it, what's next, if failing will make you weaker, if winning will be as expected. The same situation. Having rebooted made me more experienced. There was no novelty in "fighting a beast", so to speak. And it was wonderful.

Long story short, gents, if you are into this journey, if you already got the habit of facing what you fear the most….nothing in real life can stop you. Just go and get it.

As said, I use the boner pill only when I drank too much before sex. Well, I'm also reducing the drinking so I can drill her more regularly. Recently we had a sweet afternoon sex. I was so at ease that I even decided to go limp and enjoy the cuddles. I no longer fuck with my erection on my mind. I fuck trying to be "in the moment". The cock follows.


WHAT'S NEXT

As per the rest, my life sucks. I don't say it in a bad way. My life is in my hand. Not my dick. It's great. My future is a waterfall of opportunities: to improve, to get better, to feel alive, to overcome difficulties. There's nothing to avoid or escape from. On paper I still have to do so many things I wanted to do. Some very difficult, some easy, all worthy. There's no procrastination, no escapism towards useless internet browsing. There's me diving into what I want and enjoying the consequences.

I still looking for a sane fulfilling addiction to die for. I see successful men giving all they got into a passion: their work, family, hobby, whatever. That's what I want to become. In practice? I am still not sure: I have so many interests, maybe too many. But I'm convincing myself that this is not a weakness but a feature.

My Journal

by  Neuroplastic