Age 35 - Failure of relationships rooted in porn use

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  • This is my third "real" attempt at nofap. I am a male in my 30s. I made it to 23 days and 62 days on my longest streaks. I even thought I was going to fail because the latest venture just didn't feel right. I didn't crack.
  • All of my relationships, friends and girlfriends, that have failed were rooted in my addiction to fapping and porn. I would get irritable, clingy, socially awkward, and all around just not be myself. Finding a girl was the root to my world, the end to my means, and the purpose for living. Then when I found a girl, I suffocated her.
  • I was poor at letting go of relationships that were not working in fear that establishing a new relationship with anyone would result in failure. I was afraid to speak my mind for what I needed, easily made jealous, dismissive, and easily offended. I also didn't care to hear what anyone had to say. People didn't talk to me because I didn't care to hear their story.
  • Things have changed this time around. I know my triggers (tired, hungry, drunk, gluten intolerance, stress), and I know how to work through them (meditation, yoga, lifting, writing, self defense class, reading, talking them out). I don't suffocate people, and I don't try to fix people to make them fit my ego's view of the world. I let people live and make mistakes.
  • I learned to let relationships go. If it isn't working, a girl is playing games with you, a buddy never wants to hang out, a girl or friend is shady about plans, and someone is generally aloof, I let them do their thing and go do my thing. When they want to do something, they can contact me or I can find more people to have in my life. The world is a positive and abundant place; treat it as such. You never know who you will meet if you just give it a chance.
  • I speak my mind now. If I have to, I say what needs to be said in a kind fashion. If I feel like I am being slighted by someone, I mention that or ask for something I need. I have the mentality that I can overcome obstacles because I can control my own urges.
  • What changed my mind? It just seems to be happening as I am more aware of who I am, and less concerned with controlling situations to hide my shame or fear. I am reading How to Win Friends and Influence People, and it has helped me learn to be interested in other peoples' stories. I was at work function, and I was working with a woman that most people don't like. She can be difficult at times, but I work by her, so I am used to her. As soon as I arrived at my post, she walked over and started talking about her kids, her weekend, her friends, her kids, her kids, her kids. In self defense terms, it was a combo of jab-punch over and over and over again. It didn't stop for two hours. She wasn't interested in my life; she was interested in being interesting to talk to. She dominated the entire conversation. It made me realize that is how I had been for years. Had she walked up to me and said, "How is your nephew doing?" I would have told her some stories, and then asked about her kids. It wasn't a give and take; just a give or take from her (depending on how you see it).
  • Finally, one of my friends is "trying" nofap but doesn't fully understand it or care to understand it. He told me he reset not to long ago, and her reminds me of myself. He called me the other night complaining about how he didn't want a girlfriend, but then today is going out to dinner with a girl he likes (dinner is a bad choice for a first date, but it's his date to go on). I knew something was up in his life because he disappeared off the friend radar. His life goes into "pursue the girl mode" as soon as one is in his life again. He stops talking to friends, stops making plans do see friends, and generally waits around for her to call or go out with her. I have been that guy. It ends in disaster. Normally, I would give advice to him, but I am not going to try to fix anyone. The best thing about nofap is realizing that you need to always be the driver in the seat of your life. When you start letting someone else do that, you stop living. As Marcus Aurelius states, "It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live."
  • Share your story with me or comment on mine. The best part of the nofap community is hearing your point of view on my story or you sharing your own. Don't hesitate to comment.

LINK - How my perspective changed. I told my (long) story inside; please add yours or comment on mine

By MrGrnJns