Age 35 - I made it to 90 for the second and last time! (porn is dead to me)

Printer-friendly version

I am not one for a lot of words but I owe it to this community to say thank you! I think I am in the minority here. I have been married for over ten years and have 4 kids and have kept and still keep my addiction a secret.

My Story: I started fapping when I was probably 13 to JC Penny catalogs as we didn't even have a computer when I was that age. I continued that on. I did find a playboy magazine in a field once that I held on to and hid. I felt at the time and I still do that doing this was wrong. I was lusting over women (I know some are not religious but I am). I feel I was addicted to the dopamine rush from the start.

When I was about 18 I talked to a religious authority about my issue and felt I had the support and desire to quite. That probably lasted for about a year and a half.

When I was 21 I got my first computer (that seems so weird now). But that was in 1998. I only had dial up but I was now into a world of free porn (pictures only). My rush was through the roof.

I quit again when I was 23 for probably a good year. I was alway a much happier person when I didn't look at porn and honestly it has been so long that I don't know the specific reasons I went back. My guess is it was the ability to look at full blown videos.

I got married to my dream girl when I was 25. She is the most amazing person I have ever met. I do not keep anything from her EXCEPT for this one thing. I am too ashamed and I know it wouldn't sit well. We are both religious and believe it is a sin.

Time went by and here I am 10 years later. During that time I had 4 kids. My sexual relationship with my wife was not very good. It got worse as time went by. We didn't have sex often unless we were trying to have a kid. When we did, I unfortunately had to think of porn or a porn fantasy in my head. I know my wife felt I wasn't attracted to her. I always had to reinforce that I was. Truth is that I know she is beautiful but can't say I was getting turned on at the site of her naked (due to porn).

Anyway, One day I found your brain on porn. I knew porn was an addiction but didn't know what do do about it. Wow! what I learned from that website blew me away. For some reason just having the knowledge of why I did what I did gave me empowerment. From that I found nofapp. I had no idea there was a whole community with many of the same issues. This was last July. I was feeling so good. I hit the 90 day mark on hard mode (my wife just had a baby so it worked out well). Shortly after I did screw up. It happened slowly. I would look at some askreddit questions that were nsfw and from their slowly progressed to some of the nsfw picture reddits. And finally my self esteem was low enough again to say screw it, and I was watching videos again. I never did fap though.

This went on for a few weeks. I made a new years resolutions to never do it again. This time I learned from my mistakes. My resolve is even more strong. I left my counter going in nofap since I technically did not. I found pornfree and determined this is the core of it all and this is the counter that really counts for me.

Anyway, I am now free from my guilt. I know my wife can sense things have changed. When I have sex it is all about her. I do not have to think at porn at all. I feel like a new man!

I know there is a popular opinion that you need to tell your wife. If that is what you need to do to stop then do it (that is the most important thing). As for me, I have always felt that this would hurt her immensely. Yea you can back it up with science all you want but in the end I was more turned on by porn than her. I think every situation is different.

Anyway, I know this was long. I don't like typing up things all the time but I want to say thanks to everyone. It only makes us stronger to hear others successes and also to give support to their struggles. Though I don't participate often, I do visit this site everyday.

Signed, Rededicated Husband and Father!

LINK - I made it to 90 for the second and last time! (porn is dead to me)

by Ih8prn