Age 35 - I was suffering from ED symptoms but did not realize it was due to porn addiction.

Printer-friendly version

I just want to share my experience with this subreddit. I have been PMO free for 30 days.

I am 35 years old. My first exposure to porn was when I was very young and I found my dad's dirty magazines under the bed. I was entranced by them, even then, but did not really know what to do with anything until I was 8 years old. I matured early and by 10 years old, masturbating was at least a daily activity. The internet exploded when I was 15 and the rest of that story is a nofap trope.

I am married and I enjoy sex with my wife. I did not initially start doing nofap due to ED. I was suffering from ED symptoms but did not realize it was due to porn addiction. It wasn't until I was away from porn for a while that I discovered my physical capabilities were being limited in the bedroom.

My first attempt at nofap was back in April. I started nofap because I felt disgusted with myself every time I used it. When you do something everyday by choice that disgusts you and repeat multiple times this can have damaging effects. It was this TedTalk that ultimately convinced me I needed a change. I did not realize that there was a chemical dependency on porn and that the constant assault of images was programming me into him.

I did well for the first few weeks. I did not look at porn and I did not masturbate. However there was an evening where I could not get a disturbing image out of my mind. I hadn't dealt with that image in a while and my solution before was to masturbate. I tossed and turned for hours and finally gave in to masturbating... but just that time. No, not really. That one release soon led to the justification of another fap, then some erotic literature, then finally porn. It only took a week or so and I was fapping multiple times per day in constant disgust with myself.

I kept trying to nofap again and the most success I had was 3 or 4 days until recently. The last 30 days has been tough. I would like to say that I've gained superpowers and that everything looks different but that's not entirely truthful. The truth is I've had some moments where the obsession to PMO was so powerful that I thought I was going insane. But I didn't PMO. And each time I haven't the next moment of great obsession was not easier, but it was more realistic. One of my biggest problems is that I don't like to be uncomfortable. The challenge for me, with nofap, is to be okay with being uncomfortable.

This in itself is a superpower. Its not a testosterone IV nor is it an untapped stream of energy, but it is the desire to see myself through a new challenge today. I get to make more eye contact. I get to read books that challenge me to make the tough decisions that most people ignore. I get to set daily goals that build up to yearly and lifetime goals.

I'm not saying I'm cured of my old ways but I do feel like I am in recovery from PMO addiction. The beautiful thing is that even when I get the obsession to PMO I don't want to do it. The further away I get from my last fap the higher the cost is. When I was 3 or 4 days in I couldn't see that, but once I bridged a week, I could sense focus being reassembled.

I'm not claiming to be a guru, but these are the things that have made the difference for me:

-Meditation. Meditation teaches me to be with myself and my thoughts. Sometimes I hit the 'gap', sometimes its monkey mind all the way. But when I sit down for a duration, I make sure I sit. This can be an exercise in being uncomfortable. In fact its most useful when it is. Meditation can bring great changes but its not all unicorns and rainbows. Good.

-Books that challenge me. I put down sci-fi/fantasy and picked books about money. I now had an extra few hours in my day and I needed something positive to do with it. I chose Robert Kiyosaki (Rich Dad series) and Tim Ferris (4 Hour Work Week). These books are not only helping me drive my financial ambitions, but they give me one less thing to feel insecure about: money.

-Working out. Lots in nofap about this already. If you don't work out, go do it. If you do work out, keep doing it.

-Honest vocabulary changes. 'I don't look at porn' as opposed to 'I'm not looking at porn right now'. 'I am a porn addict in recovery' as opposed to 'I'm not looking at porn for x number of days.' Be honest with yourself. If you PMO everyday, you are probably a porn addict. If you lose time from PMO, you are probably a porn addict. If you're nestled up to a fine nude specimen of the desired sex and you can't get it up, you're probably a porn addict. If you're browsing nofap regularly you are probably a porn addict. Change your vocabulary and be honest about what you are and what you intend to do about it.

Finally, I'd like to leave a quote that has helped me do the right thing on multiple occasions:

"The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching." John Wooden

Thanks for this community and keep fighting the good fight. Communities like this one are pioneering a new macho and I'm proud to be a part of it.

LINK - 30 Day Report

by BopCatan