Age 37 - ED cured, first girlfriend
June 4th, 2009
This is my first blog entry. I have recently decided to overcome my addiction to pornography and wanted to share my experience and hopefully gain the support of this online community. Right now I'm on day nine of my "sobriety". It has been a difficult week, but today seems very challenging.
A little history: I've been masturbating pretty regularly since I was in junior high, sometimes with porn. I'm now 34 and I've been single most of my life. The internet has not helped matters and now I almost depend on porn to get my "high". It has really gotten worse the last few months, as I recently changed jobs and I now work at home on the internet. However, I think my recent compulsiveness has gotten me to the point where I just want to quit.
I've had some physical withdrawal symptoms - soreness and jitters. But nothing compares right now to the psychological challenges I'm feeling. My resolve feels like it's shaking. I'm obsessing about this 18 year old girl I know. I'm feeling a little bit like an emotional wreck. I'm feeling angry, bitter, frightened, a whole host of feelings. At first I just felt emotionally vulnerable, moved to tears much more easily. I was okay with that. Now I'm feeling very raw and like I want to scream, like I'm very angry at the whole world. I'm feeling jealousy too - that some people are able to indulge their desires, but mine has mostly been placated with fantasy and now even that is gone.
So far, the reading of various articles on this web site, prayer, and meditation seem to be the most effective. I've tried some visualization too - it helps, but I find it more difficult to be consistent. I think my motivation to have a healthier sexuality and overcome my addiction is stronger than it ever has been before and has allowed to take things one day at a time. This time, unlike times in the past, I truly feel I could make a lasting change.
My goal is to remain "sober" for three month. After 90 days, then I'll think about how I want to express my sexuality - hopefully in a healthy loving relationship. I'm hoping people on this site can help support me and guide me. I'm realizing more and more how I need the support of others if I'm going to succeed. I don't feel safe enough now to reveal my addiction to friends or family, but I am considering an anonymous support group. We'll see.
Thank you for reading and any support or suggestions are appreciated.
July 30, 2012
So I have been on again, off again as far as PMO for the last three years, using the advise of this website. I managed to go over 180 days without porn, I've had real sex for the first time (I'm 37), and I've at least partially recovered from ED. Unfortunately, during my relationship, I started secretly looking at porn again. I'm no longer in that relationship, but I'm now 2 weeks PMO-free. I feel like I've been through a lot. Here are some things I feel I've gained so far.
* I feel like I've grown up by leaps and bounds in the last three years. Perhaps it's being PMO-free or the spiritual practices, or perhaps these things are symbiotic. Regardless, I'm much more patient, accepting, and selfless. I still have much to learn, but I no longer feel quite so self-centered. I feel like a different person.
* There are always gains to being PMO-free, regardless of the length of the time one manages. If a person relapses, one just has to get back on the bandwagon when he or she feels strong, convicted, or comfortable enough with it. I'm only two weeks free right now, but I feel I've gained so much the last three years. In some ways, whether to PMO or not gives a person the ability to choose how much he or she can handle emotionally at any given time. And feelings of guilt if one falls off the bandwagon are unnecessary, even counterproductive.
* Porn and sex seem unrelated. Porn is about imagery and lust; it's addictive. Sex is about touch and affection; although enjoyable, it doesn't seem quite as addictive.
That's a major overview. My journey is documented a lot in my blog. I'm looking forward to more growth in the months ahead.
April 9, 2013
So I've gone 96 days without porn and 5 days without masturbation or orgasm. I'm proud of myself for avoiding porn while going through a masturbation phase, but I must admit it has been a temptation. Erections are no problem. I'm getting them all the time. In fact, I wish I had someone to share them with. :) Luckily, I haven't had them in any embarrassing situations. For someone who used to have ED, I can definitely say that rebooting works! Avoiding porn if you happen to masturbate is also a good idea. Rebooting happens a lot faster.
Emotionally, I'm still working on things. I'm reading an excellent book on happiness by Martin Seligman. I have to admit though, when I'm feeling super horny (like right now), it's hard to feel happy. But life is still better all round without PMO. Even when I'm masturbating to orgasm on a regular basis, I feel groggy and depressed. Now I just feel frustrated and angry, which is better than depression. And I don't feel frustrated all the time, just specific moments when I feel the need for release.
Anyway, still looking for balance or the end of my singleness or both. But ruling out porn from your life is a good idea no matter what.